Ought a man be vulnerable with his girlfriend?

[Max_V]

I think I talked and asked about this before, but this time I want to make it a discussion instead of necessicarily a specific personal question.
In a man-woman relationship, as a man, should you be vunerable with your partner? I know on a forum like this where emotional maturity and spirituality is idealized, the obvious answer would be: yes, obviously. But I'm getting a lot of conflicting information. So much stories of guys who opened up to their girlfriend about something that they are struggling with and found that as a result the girl started losing attraction and interest. I really want to know the truth of the matter, the workings of girls, masculinity and femininity, how relationships and their dynamics really work.
What are you guys' thoughts on this?
Also, I am primarily talking about long term relationships where a connection already has been established.

Edited January 2, 2023 by Max_V

[Eyowey]

A girlfriend only cares about what she can get out of the relationship. If she enjoys giving affection and taking care of sad creatures then you can be vulnerable. You should already know if she's that type of girl or not.

[LastThursday]

You can also turn these things around, and say that you should only be with a girlfriend who you can be vulnerable with. If you get ditched because you open up, then you were with the wrong person: you should find the right person.

It all boils down to attachment and needs. Any solid relationship will have healthy attachments. Unhealthy attachments are to do with having your needs met by someone else, irrespective of who they are. Some of these needs are healthy, like intimacy and love and being cared for. Healthy attachments are about working together as a unit, tolerance and reciprocating.

A lot of relationships are unhealthy because each person has fixed ideas about what the other person should be. Cracks appear when one person doesn't live up to the other person's fantasy.

[Ulax]

@Max_V I think it would depend on her attachment style. If she is not secure, she might react adversely.

Also, I think it would depend on why you were being vulnerable. Are you sharing your vulnerabilities to build intimacy or are you trying to get her to fix you?

I think non violent communication could be a useful way to learn to be vulnerable.

That said, I lack direct experience in this area, so am drawing mostly from theory.

-----

Edit: Also, imo, at some point, you have to ask yourself what do you want from a relationship?

Edited January 2, 2023 by Ulax

[Globalcollective]

depends on the place its coming from if your being vulnerable in a way that is trying to get her to help or save you in some way then possibly she could loose attraction but if it is in a way where you are being honest and telling her the truth then it can actually been seen as a strength. Hiding emotions in a way to look masculine can also be seen as weakness. 

[Lyubov]

What does vulnerable mean exactly here though? 

 

[Max_V]

@Lyubov Crying, showing weakness, talking about something you're really struggling with, needing her love, etc. 

[Max_V]

45 minutes ago, Globalcollective said:

depends on the place its coming from if your being vulnerable in a way that is trying to get her to help or save you in some way then possibly she could loose attraction

I'm so curious though, why is this? 

@Ulax
Personally, this can be different for others of course, I want a relationship where you grow by being together. Sharing weaknesses and aiding each other in overcoming them is part of that.
 

4 hours ago, LastThursday said:

You can also turn these things around, and say that you should only be with a girlfriend who you can be vulnerable with. If you get ditched because you open up, then you were with the wrong person: you should find the right person.

That exactly has been my way of thinking as well, but the thought arises: is that going against 'nature'? If a girl loses interest when a man is vulnerable, could that simply be how man-women dynamics objectively work?

Edited January 2, 2023 by Max_V

[Roy]

If you can't open up to your partner then there was actually no relationship at all. You're just friendly acquaintances that have sex at that point.

If you ever get in a long term relationship with a girl and she loses attraction and drops you because you were vulnerable, be thankful you just dodged an alimony-seeking missle.

With that said don't dump your deepest darkest secrets on them willy nilly. Those issues are for a therapist, and might be way too much to put on your partner.

Edited January 2, 2023 by Roy

[Grateful Dead]

55 minutes ago, Max_V said:

If a girl loses interest when a man is vulnerable, could that simply be how man-women dynamics objectively work?

I do not think so. I've opened up to women and it turned them on, but as @Globalcollective said, it depends on where it's coming from.

[LastThursday]

6 hours ago, Max_V said:

is that going against 'nature'?

Forget nature. I think societal norms and stereotypes are a much bigger hurdle here. But people came in all sorts of shapes, sizes and outlooks; just find someone that matches yours. That could mean playing a numbers game, and that goes against societal norms, but hey...

[universe]

Agree with @LastThursday 

You set the standards for what works and what doesn't work for you.

That being said as a men it is attractive when you can be with your emotions.

Whatever comes up frustration, anger, sadness. Let it all out.

But you are comfortable with holding the emotion in your body.

Grounding the situation so to speak.

[Lyubov]

10 hours ago, Max_V said:

@Lyubov Crying, showing weakness, talking about something you're really struggling with, needing her love, etc. 

I will break this down simply. 

You (people) are the creator of your emotions. You are not the victim of them and they aren’t unfolding on their own terms. They are created through beliefs which people have the ability to choose.

Let’s not put the cart (emotions) before the horse (beliefs). 

So to become “vulnerable” is to basically share a belief system with another person. If the beliefs you share are such that where you are creating emotions such as fear and despair then chances are the person you are sharing them with can sometimes be put off by them because they have their own belief system about what a man should be like or they simple don’t like that this is what their man chooses to believe. Some women can’t handle to see that their man still has inner work to do. Women also have their own set of beliefs about men which may not fit with the person they are in a relationship with. 

creating appropriate emotions at the appropriate time is fine: I don’t think many women will mind if their man cries if someone they love has passed away for example. 

I would say we as men should strive to be as true to ourselves and not give away our power and let a woman determine our value based off how they think we should be. If you choose to create all sorts of emotions that have to do with feeling sad or weak, that is all on you to figure out why you do it and cease to do so.

Edited January 3, 2023 by Lyubov

[mr_engineer]

12 hours ago, Max_V said:

@Lyubov Crying, showing weakness, talking about something you're really struggling with, needing her love, etc. 

Crying is fine. Showing weakness is not. Talking about something you're really struggling with is not fine, that's showing weakness. Needing her love is fine, that is the point of having a girlfriend. 

Crying is an emotional release. So, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with crying. If she thinks there is, dump her. Showing weakness, however, is a huge disservice to her, because she entered the relationship thinking you're trustworthy. It will make her feel duped by you, in fact. 

I'm going to give you my definition of vulnerability. It's to express how you feel to her. 'I feel X'. That's vulnerability. And, crying can be an expression of that. The point of being vulnerable is to give her a role in your quest to create a happy life. If she knows how you feel, she can help you get there. This is something that will be encouraged by any woman who wants a proper relationship.