Communication

[Loreena]

listening skills (good for marriage situations)

 The Disarming Technique: Seek and find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair to you.

2. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his/her eyes.

a. Feeling empathy – Acknowledge how he/she is probably feeling. For example, (husband speaking), "So then the clerk told me to go to the end of the line and that was about all I could take." (wife speaking) "It sounds like that must have made you really angry."

b. Thought empathy – Paraphrase the other person’s words. For example, (wife speaking), "I have fourteen things to do that all have to get done by noon today, so I would love to have some help with some of this!" (husband speaking) "You have a lot of things to do today, and you could use my help right now. Is that right?"

3. Inquiry: Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

self-expression skills

4. "I Feel" Statements: Use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset," rather that "you" statements, such as "You’re wrong!", or "You’re making me furious!"

5. Stroking: Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. Doing so conveys an attitude of respect, even though you may feel very angry with the other person at the moment.

[Nahm]

This typically breaks down because people can't do what you describe when they are angry. What about liberating from anger, so you don't have this classic perpetual marriage dilemma? 

[FindingPeace]

The key to communication is being open and honest. But I don't just mean from the 'speaker's' point of view. I mean that the listener has to be capable of hearing the open and honest communication without judgment, criticism or reacting.

Communication is ony difficult because people can't be accepting of what they hear. Instead they compare to their own self-interests, values and beliefs and pass judgment on the information.

Imagine how much better communication would be if both the speaker and the listener could engage in complete honesty without judgement. Then you would 'hear' what was being said and can respond in a more reasonable way.

Communication becomes a problem only because differences of opinions create conflict. So it becomes a conflict rather than a discussion. What communication should really be, is a presentation of one's subjective experience. Without the conflict.

Imagine communicating the honest truth knowing that it will be totally accepted without fear of judgment, criticism or negative reaction. How much more constructive would it be?

When communicating, leave your own self-interests, values and beliefs to the side for a moment and just listen. And appreciate that the other person has their own self-interests, values and beliefs. Then look at what needs to be done to find some constructive way forward.