Stroll & Scroll

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame hey buddy, good to hear from you. Well, looking back, there are some relapses, but I'm positive to see some overall progress. Looking forward to your updates.

[Gladius]

After the last slump, I'm confident I leveled up once again. Seems some people or situations which I have avoided most of my life, are now triggering those repressed emotions. It is enough to observe, sit back and let it go.

Besides, my tolerance to stress is not as high as I had imagined. In the past, I just pretended I didn't care but it would take a toll in my body. Being aware of it allows me to find healthy ways to navigate stressful times.

Steady as she goes.

Edited June 8, 2023 by Gladius

[Gladius]

This week I was supposed to finally relax after a big stretch of work and then... covid struck. Definitely, when things go wrong my brain still looks for something to blame, even if I'm aware of it. Again, the only thing left to do is suck it up and move on.

[Gladius]

The course is over and a good 2 months stress-free break is ahead. The idea is to keep decompressing the nervous system, whatever that means.

I'll be aware of any triggers and self-sabotage that might occur.

Cheers.

[Gladius]

It doesn't matter whether there is work 24/7 or I have several weeks off ahead. My inner bully always finds the way to make me feel stressed, focusing in every minor problem around. 

We are now becoming friends though.

Somewhere deep inside my mind, I'm afraid to post here because, looking back, it looks too similar to my previous posts, even to my previous journal. On a daily basis I'm trying to convince myself that I'm making progress, but sometimes it is hard to believe. It is obvious for me in terms of health, because I just feel better. On the outside, things are moving at a slower pace, apparently.

However, I'm optimistic and I know that one, two or five years from now I will thank myself, the same way I'm doing it for my past self.

Edited July 22, 2023 by Gladius

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius hi mate. that's an interesting observation about an inner fear to post. I experienced it with my journal. I felt reluctant to write about setbacks, as it could appear that i was making no progress or wasting my time.

But, reading my old journal front to back, landmark progress is obvious to me, no matter how many set backs or resets with 'back to basics'.

What ive learned is that it's part of the human condition to slip up, or find yourself going off-course. The key is noticing it and making corrections. A bit like a space ship which is by default heading off-course and relies on constant correction. 

So, definitely for me, it's always enjoy the wins, and when there's a wobble then back to basics : )

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame hey buddy, glad to hear from you. As always I'm loving your metaphors  and I couldn't agree more. Sometimes I feel I'm being repetitive here, but as you say that's how we are wired, tending to behave in patterns, looking for the familiar, and breaking from with only awareness is not as easy as it might seem. Appreciate your reply, it's indeed helping me.

[Gladius]

It's been the longest stretch on holidays and outside the city in a really long time, and I'm feeling great. Now I'm back in the city and hope to protect this energy for a long time. From now on, my intention here will be focusing in the progress, and I think I did.

I've been in a rural area with family, and that "do nothing" rest was something I desperately needed. Firstly, being in touch with nature, having a bath in a freezing river every morning it has brought me so much life. Actually, that's the main takeaway from this summer. Getting used to cold water has been awesome, and the intention is to include a cold shower every morning.

By the way, also NoFap during all this time and ongoing. Forgetting about this (and women for the time being) was probably a good way to bring some strength back.

Besides, I have been dealing with some family members which I would have avoided in the past. I let some anger and rage out which is completely fine. This might seem far-fetched, but I'm positive some dynamics and roles within the family have changed due to my boundaries. That also makes me feel so much calmer and confident. 

Last but not least, being away and having time in my hands made me realise some people pleasing patterns, which I thought they were over, so there was growth in that area as well. 

The goal now is to keep being mindful in the city, and avoid as much as possible those things and people who make me slip back. 

PS. Also grabbed my old guitar and finally played some real music.

Edited August 26, 2023 by Gladius

[Gladius]

Being aware of your thoughts 24/7 can be exhausting, in particular if you are trying to set aside obsessive thinking loops. If you manage to do it, it means more energy and health for yourself.

It seems counterintuitive, but I stopped going to the gym for a while and focused in resting and get other aspects of my life together. I also started being mindful about my diet. It was already healthy, but I increased quantity and stopped being so strict with sugar and stuff. 

[Gladius]

Not much to add so far. Good vibes at work, which makes me so proud. Still, being aware of people-pleasing patterns and short term gratification. These are my greatest enemies at the moment, and at the same time trying to be not too strict on myself. However, compared to one year ago, the improvement is slow but undeniable. It does feel like a total rewiring of the brain until I can lead a "functional" life in al aspects. There is nothing else to do than keep going this way and enjoying the process.

Edited September 20, 2023 by Gladius

[Gladius]

These last weeks I had been feeling pretty strong. Somewhere deep in my mind I was curious whether anything else could knock me down. I know this could become some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. The answer came in form of a virus, which hit me hard for almost a week. At the same time, I had to break more expectations from my family. It seems they are still expecting me to behave like a doormat. When that is not happening, there is a huge backlash, and that takes some energy. 

However, I see all these obstacles as opportunities to become even stronger. At work things are getting better and better, so I'm sure I'm on the right path. It will take a few more years to be where I want to be, and that's fine.

As a side note, even my sexuality is changing. I used to have a little weird sex cravings over the last years, and now this is being naturally fixed.

Steady as she goes, mf.

Edited September 28, 2023 by Gladius

[Gladius]

The streak goes on. Again, my main challenge still is to be aware of people pleasing habits and avoid falling back into them. The more I'm aware of this, the better life gets, and my health and energy rises. It's that easy. 

[Gladius]

So it was that easy all along. The only thing needed to be happy was to tell people to go f themselves. Why no one told me a few decades ago??

Well, better late than never.

[Gladius]

Digging further and further into my people pleasing addiction, I realised even this journal is written in public hoping to find some external validation.

I guess it's not that bad, though.

[Gladius]

How important is breathing? Breathing deep for the first time in my life...

[Gladius]

Everything stays the same. The word "testosterone" has been living rent-free in my mind. I have the feeling I needed to get in touch with my masculine, which I had forgotten for a long time. I'm working on that by being really careful with my social interactions. Basically, avoiding ass-licking at all costs.

Throughout this process I have been so focused on myself I totally forgot about people around me. Lately, I'm noticing how I am strong enough to care about others and help them one way or another. This time, though, from a position of strength, not a doormat.

Steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

By the end of last year, a coach told me that I was a "baby" in terms of considering myself equal to everyone else, as opposed to being inferior.

It's sad that it took me so much time to process and behave according to that information. The change, though, is being amazing.

[Gladius]

Still feeling strong and confident. Every day is 0,001% better than the previous one, since a couple years ago. Therefore, I'm optimistic about the future. I've done tons of work to overcome my worst insecurities and it is starting to pay off. There is still a long way to go, but I know how to walk.

I just need to remind myself to keep this mindset, and I'm sure everything will be fine.

Steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

This weekend I've been beating myself up like in good old times. I slipped back hanging out with the wrong people. I thought that a night out could be a good distraction and I ended up hitting my emotional rock bottom. 

Therefore, this is just a reminder that everything will be fine and back to normal. It might take a few days to recover from this one. 

Another insight I have is that I need to remember at all times, whether I like it or not, I am an extremely sensitive person, so I need to be really careful with my energy.

[Gladius]

This year is finishing with good news careerwise. In terms of healing, I learned I'm still a huge people pleaser, although I have been saying no quite a lot.

I'm feeling more energetic and enthusiastic than I can remember, significantly better that one year ago: Joking with colleagues and students, hiking on my own, playing the guitar, and keeping the house (more or less) clean and tidy. Therefore, hopes are high for 2024. Steady as she goes.

If anyone reading, happy holidays!

Edited December 16, 2023 by Gladius