Stroll & Scroll

[Gladius]

It's a perfect day to start this new chapter of my life.

My previous journal started setting some kind of rules to myself on social media use, and ended up unraveling so much stuff I wasn't even aware. Phew. What a journey.

Therefore, it has been proven useful to give an intention to this practice, even if it seems silly. My goal for this January is simply to delete the Facebook app from my phone and to stay away from it. That's it. Along the way, for sure there will be plenty of juicy insights, thoughts and awesomeness.

Cheers.

[Gladius]

Removing instant gratification sources is tough, and some unpleasant memories or emotions can bubble up in the following days without warning. Hopefully, there is a payoff. I assume that means more health or energy in some way, calmness and deep connection. 

Let's keep tracking that.

[Gladius]

It's difficult to believe that being nearly 40 years old, my emotional comfort zone is still expanding, which sometimes sucks. This becomes apparent with relationships. Maybe I took this "growth mindset" thing too seriously. Looking forward to relaxing a little bit with life. 

[Gladius]

This month there has been some recognition to my work. That brings even more validation to the feeling I already have that I'm getting back on track.

The goal for January, though, was not fulfilled. Apparently, I keep needing that cheap dopamine source which is a dating app. 

In February, I will set a simple one since I really want a taste of victory. I'll be turning my phone off at work. That's it.

 

 

 

[ElenaO]

Good luck with your goals. Dopamine is truly hard to avoid in our world of easily available pleasures.
The only way to get rid off it is consciously and consistently applying some rules that stick and work.

I am trying to fight with food overconsumption. And that's a relatively healthy food overconsumption. Yet, it is hard. 
 

[Gladius]

@ElenaO Thanks, it truly is an addiction, and it should be treated as one. It's all part of the process. Of course you can expect difficult emotions bubbling up when you abstain, but I'm confident it is worth it. Good luck to you as well!

[Gladius]

Lately, it feels like I'm reaching an optimal level of health. My nervous system is way more calm, which means my thoughts are not so intense anymore.

If I compare myself to a year ago, the progress is undeniable. My routine includes going to the gym 4-5 times a week, I barely drink and smoke, and my new career is definetely taking off. 

For the time being, I don't ask anything else from life. My eyes are open to see if I can find a partner but I won't chase it.

Steady as she goes.

[Gladius]

Despite the optimism of my last post, this week I did sense a lack of energy, caused mainly by working long hours. Actually, this led me to met someone who I might like as a partner, but I still feel I'm not 100% ready yet. Probably somewhere around 90%?

[Gladius]

February's goal has been accomplished. Forgetting about the phone is being extremely beneficial. I'll keep this habit from now on.

Wondering more atomic habits to integrate, avoiding alcohol might be a good one. Lately, I realised I'm enjoying it less and less, and I just ordered a cup in social settings for people pleasing purposes. 

Thus, during March I will avoid alcohol at all and see how it goes.

[Gladius]

These last weeks some relationships, both at family level and friendships, have been repaired. It's actually important to make an effort in that sense, if there is a will from both sides. As isolation comes to an end, there are still more and more layers of healing waiting to for their turn.

Hope this makes sense.

[Gladius]

It might be age, healing, or both, but as days go by I feel calmer, happier, and carefree. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to force (or avoid) situations, relationships or feelings, although I'm able to be more and more aware of that.

What else is life, anyways? Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.

[Gladius]

It's been a while since I didn't have an insight about my own life, maybe because I'm in a pretty good moment. However, I'm still too much of Mr Nice Guy. I kinda knew this but it didn't sink in. 

This is just a reminder that I can be a bit of an asshole. It has a lot to do with my masculinity, and my relationship with women. Let's be aware of that.

[Gladius]

It's all good. My intention now is getting closer to people because I have been quite isolated lately, but always in my terms. The goal for April is just to keep Insta deleted from my phone.

[Gladius]

There's something I barely posted here but it is the most ongoing feeling I had for the last few years, which is anger and resentment. I've been extremely pissed at people, whether it's family, friends or coworkers.

Of course, the ultimate person to blame is the guy typing this words for letting others cross boundaries over and over again, but that's a bitter pill to swallow. 

[Gladius]

It was a bit rash to close the previous journal considering I was fully healed. There has been a lot of progress, of course, but there is still a long way to go.

It feels like every time I try to make a step forward, like a real one, my body is shutting down. I assume it's learned helplessness doing its job. Emotions and experiences are still stored inside me, and some flashbacks come to the surface to say hello. I push forward to that but still I can spend a day barely moving from the couch. 

Let's track how often this is happening in the future.

[Gladius]

@Sidra khan Thank you so much.

[Gladius]

Again, I have the feeling I came across one more layer of healing in the form of an ultimate insight.

After getting rid of all "external bullies", I realised there is still one to go, which is myself. There is this constant voice nagging me all the time. Of course, due to all the work done over the last years, this internall bully is getting quieter and quieter. And that's the exact reason why it is becoming more difficult to identify. 

Being aware of this internal bully is huge. It's blocking downward spirals and brain fog I didn't even know they were there. 

[Gladius]

This is something I'm realising now. When I'm around people, I'm mostly unease, restless, anxious. Up until now, I had been studying myself during alone times, but I barely observed how was my body when being with someone else.

Alone time has ended, it's time to go out there and socialise

Edited May 24, 2023 by Gladius

[Gladius]

Insights from May:

- Pause and breathe before reacting. 

- Be aware of your inner bully.

- Trust. In yourself, in the future, in others.

My only goal for June is taking cafe of myself and make the most at work. 

[studentofthegame]

Hi mate. Good to catch up with your newer journal. Some real progress evident and a clear evolution in your thinking. Keep it up.