9 Personal Insights from a 7 day solo retreat.

[Realms of Wonder]

Hi Actualizing crew!

 

Context of solo retreat: Alone in an Airbnb in rural Idaho, no internet, no phone, laptop used as a word processer (commonplace book,) and my camera for recording insights.

 

Here is a list of insights that I feel are important to communicate. 

 

Visioning.

• One of the reasons creating an authentic, emotionally compelling vision for my Life has been so difficult is because I haven't had the life experience to know what is meaningful to me, what is emotionally compelling, or what I really want.
• On top of that, never before have I spend so much time reflecting, thinking, compiling and stitching together so many diverse threads into one "cohesive" vision.
• For my vision to be authentic, it has to be mine and no one else's, yes there may be parts of it similar to others, or even direct copies IF it is in alignment with my values and my authentic self. One of the reasons it hasn’t felt emotional is because up until this articulation, it has just been "a" vision, not MY vision.
• The more specific I am with what I want in life, the more motivated I become to put in the effort to actualize it.

All parts welcome.

• During the retreat  there were 3 different DMT sessions, one of which, I was reflecting on a mistake I had made, and a part said, "we'll just keep some parts hidden," another part spoke up and said, "why not let them all out?" As soon as I said that, I felt this part of me that felt 4 maybe 5 years old, and raging mad, he was so full of the rage that he wasn’t allowed to be mad as a kid, and was surprised to be out in the open, loved and welcomed as a part of the whole.

My Why.

• I love Simon Sinek, his perspective on branding, a just cause, life purpose and a WHY, really resonates with me.
• It's been almost exactly 4 years since I started the life purpose course for the first time (LOL.) During those years, I have taken it 4 maybe 5 more times and have yet to finish it. Each time however I gained more clarity, and more understanding of WHY I am alive, and what I really believe the world needs.
• Somewhere during this retreat it clicked, my why is a vision of the future, "I imagine a world full of people that love themselves unconditionally, and make choices to live in alignment with their values and Vision." my mission statement then becomes, "To Play music that articulates the wisdom of Self-Love and Authenticity."
• I fully recognize this isn't something I will see fully actualized in my human lifetime, there's a lot more people in the world then I can impact in one life, that’s okay.
• There will be further iterations of both this vision and my mission statement, and that is awesome! For now, this is the most authentic it has ever been.

I think much too small. (Yet I am still worthy of love.)

• During this retreat there were moments when it felt like my mind was getting blown up like a balloon, expanding, allowing bigger, more expansive thoughts into my consciousness. It doesn't feel like "I" was having these ideas, it felt like it was happening, and I was witnessing it.. So maybe I was having these thoughts… unclear
• An example of this is the impact I want to have on the world. Much too small. I have been thinking of the impact I want to have on people in my generation, boys and girls raised Christian, born between '97 and '04, trained to be closed minded, etc.. Now I am realizing that if I actualize my life purpose to the degree I am capable of, the ones directly impact by my work will go on to mature, live authentic lives and learn to love themselves unconditionally, AND have children of their own, that they will raise with those values, these children will go on to be world changers and evolutionaries, imagine the second, third, fourth generation!  The ripple effect of my life purpose is limited only by me and my mind.
• Realizing this and writing it out during the retreat was stream of consciousness, my mind was thinking, "holy shit, that is so cool, imagine that, IMAGINE THAT!!!" and Reality is sitting there with a cosmic grin.

I love ME.

• I have been denying who I am for most of my life, which is why I value Authenticity and Self-Love so fucking much. I spent so much of my life from 7/8-20 rejecting myself, being inauthentic, people pleasing, sacrificing my own values and vision to make others "happy."
• During this retreat there was a deep connection between Paul, the identity, and whatever is "with" that identity, being with it, watching and observing, always close. And it was beautiful to see, and be.
• I love being myself, I am tired of needing be different to love myself, fuck that, I love myself now, as I am, from the size of my nose to my beautiful crooked smile, to my eyes and my ears, to my personality and my weaknesses, the parts still hidden in shadow, the unconsciousness and consciousness. All of it, worthy of love as is.
• "I AM with you, as YOU are"

Spiritual cleansing.

• I got a palpable sense of how much cleansing my ego must go through to access deeper levels of reality. It's not that they aren't there now, it's more that my mind is too rigid to fathom it, my mind is too locked up to allow it in.
• This is not a judgement of myself, I am here now, I am supposed to be here now, if I was meant to be fully awakened now, I would be, I am not. Which is heartbreaking and super exciting.

Time alone means…

• Time to think about my life, where it is going, where it has been, what I have done well, what I can improve, vision, and dream.
• Puzzle pieces to fall into place and connect: It feels like so many little nuggets fell into place this retreat. Reminded me of Leo's 6th Blog post. "Sometimes learning a fact is enough to make an entire series of corroborating details, previously unrecognized, fall into place." — Jorge Luis Borges
• Being bored, detaching from stimulus
• Growth

Falling off track.

• I already know there will be an ego backlash when I re-enter my normal life, and I am aware that I will probably lose touch with the concentrated, focused state I am in now, and that is okay, to me this was the second bite of a delicious appetizer. The full meal will be in 3-5 years when I can take 2-4 of these a year.
• I realize that the habits I do have in place, are the baseline I will fall to, so even when I do "fall off the horse," there is "padding" to stop me from hitting ground bottom.

 

All in all, fuck being inauthentic, Be True.

Edited January 2, 2023 by Realms of Wonder
Name change

[Human Mint]

Great post.

[Ampresus]

Awesome post man.