Radical approaches to dealing with extreme emotional pain

[5-D - L O V E]

As a person, I've been struggling with intense types of internal pain, anger, rage, self-destructive thoughts... almost all my life.

I grew up with a very fragile ego due to the family and society situation I grew up in, I feel like I have been dealt a bad hand in that regard to say the least.

At the same time, that same situation was the biggest catalyst for spirituality and reaching  very deep states of consciousness. These states are where I feel at home, mainly non-dual or very deep flow states where everything is inter-connected, but understanding aside, I don't get transformative energetic states to stay after my trips, and I fall into my default mode which is a mess to say the least...

 

I have "verified" non-duality more times than I can recall, I've seen and experienced Truth, I've talked with Truth... But for some reason, all the promises than fall upon me about my fully realized potential and how the whole unsiverse is gonna help me/conspire to make that a reality don't get carried on with... and I don't feel it's my fault at this point...

 

Instead of having the dark night of soul lifted after I learn what I had to learn through it, I feel like my whole life was dark night after dark night without any sense of resolution, 

 

Has anyone in here gone through the same situation and had it resolved? 

I don't feel like any experience can fully heal me at this point... call it lack of faith, but I'd rather be truthful with my deepest feeling than carry a false (forced) sense of faith and confidence...

 

Intuitively I know that full awakening (i.e 5meo becoming infinite) can deal with it, but that is full dissolution that I don't wanna carry on with right now (nor can I do it even if I wanted to), but I'd rather go with a "non-spiritual" solution (knowing that everything is spiritual...), to deal with my karma but it feels that I'm held back by my emotional baggage...

 

What approach should I take? is there a way to radically recontextualize all of this in a direction I'm missing?

 

Sorry for my messy posts but I always try to touch on what's the most relevant to me

Edited January 1, 2023 by 5-D - L O V E

[vladorion]

Quote

Intuitively I know that full awakening (i.e 5meo becoming infinite) can deal with it, but that is full dissolution that I don't wanna carry on with right now (nor can I do it even if I wanted to), but I'd rather go with a "non-spiritual" solution (knowing that everything is spiritual...), to deal with my karma but it feels that I'm held back by my emotional baggage...

Unfortunately, it can't. There is not one single (or even multiple) experience that will dissolve your trauma. Especially if you take substances which help you temporarily transcend (i.e. escape) your human condition.

If you're looking for a non-spiritual solution, then psychotherapy is an obvious one. IFS / Somatic Experiencing. 

Another interesting option is mdma which doesn't take you so much into transpersonal realms and puts you in a state where it's much easier to love and embrace parts of yourself that are hurting. There's a free book by the Castalia Foundation entirely dedicated to mdma solo route.

[Breakingthewall]

7 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

Intuitively I know that full awakening (i.e 5meo becoming infinite) can deal with it

awakening can help with your problem, of course, but you are not going to get it with 5 meo so easily.  after do, you are finite again and all your ego problems will still be there. It become memory, so ego Imo. Almost useless. but it can happen, if it's the right moment, that a chain reaction begins that recontextualizes your way of understanding reality and makes you stop perceiving a distortion between what is and what should be.

what is is exactly what should be. When they fit perfectly, your problems will be over. there is no magic pill that will do this for you. It is a path that includes many facets, including perhaps taking that pill but also many others. you have to bend yourself until there is no distortion. to get perfect harmony (in "yourself" i include everything). you have to get all your intuition, your art, your will, everything that is in you. But in some point, it could happen spontaneously 

Non spiritual solution is just a patch in my opinion. You have to get the whole thing, or your life would be misery, like its usual, but more intense since your circumstances are what you explained 

 

Edited January 1, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[5-D - L O V E]

@vladorion I don't believe in neither IFS or somatic experiencing, I've tried so many healing modalities that I've lost faith in all of them, including things as powerful as IFS, I don't fully get the hang of it, but from what I've learned and tried, it won't help me heal my deepest wounds.

As far as single experiences go, I think that a radical state if mainted enough can do it, the only times I've felt everything reconciled at an energetic/somatic level were all on transcended states of consciousness.

 

Radically changing my life, living the lifestyle my shadow wants to manifest can do it (I believe, intuitively) but I can't reach that state because of said wounds, it's a strange loop kind of thing that I can't seem to break to make it happen.

[5-D - L O V E]

@Breakingthewall I've reached deep states of oneness on large doses of LSD before, and I've had deep non-dual states on meditations with and without psychedelics. I "know" enough that I feel like I can reach radical states of consciousness with the help of 5meo... of course I know that god is in control of it all, so I can't force any experience...

 

Deep down in my ego, I feel a sort of grudge towards god/relality, I've asked so much for it to be reconciled but I don't know why it's still there... Sometimes I feel that the ego can never love god unconditionally, of course god loves the ego unconditionally... I don't want to let go of my ego fully but I still want the "power" that comes from fully losing the ego... if that makes sense, I want to manifest godly/miraculous "things" from the ego with the will of god, such are my deepest "shadow" desires, wants and (percieved) needs.

[Breakingthewall]

15 minutes ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

Deep down in my ego, I feel a sort of grudge towards god/relality, I've asked so much for it to be reconciled but I don't know why it's still there

I had that feeling for long time. In fact, I thought it would be impossible for me to stop having hateful feelings towards part of my family, but the fact is that I no longer have them and I have reached an equanimity that I thought would be impossible. this has come through the understanding of what this experience is. and my understanding is far from complete right now, but it was in a moment.  You just have to surrender your ego. Sure you already know that.

I remember few weeks ago that I had a complete liberation, become infinite, with 5meo. The next day I had a dream, I dreamed that my life was lacking in love. deficient, petty, miserable human love. I went back to sleep and in another dream I became infinite exactly the same as with 5meo, and this reality: all love, without reservations, was available to me. I was that. the glass was full, to the brim. These realizations never leave you. The next 5 days i had total reactivations, and 2 days later, i broke my leg....and now im in bed with 8 screws in my bone , with a really difficult business stopped, waiting....but i ve zero anger. I still understand beyond words what this experience is. Let's see in the future 

Edited January 1, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[Razard86]

Devotion, the path of devotion will heal you. Based on your posts you are still too focused on your self, the only way to feel love in this instance is to give the love to others that you wish you could have received. Maybe you could try volunteering to help those who don't have the bare necessities we often take for granted. Before I found spirituality early in my life I was very devotional to those in my life and that was what prevented me from being angry at the world all the time. 

Your rage can subside when you see you can lift others up around you, that you can make an impact. Additionally by being surrounded by so many giving people who volunteer their time and efforts to lift others up it will show you how many loving people there are in the world. This is something you should see as it can help change the paradigm you currently have going on in your head. 

[Proserpina]

@Razard86 Your words really hold a punch (in a good way).  Sometimes you remind me of my mum before she passed on.  She transcended her ego during brain cancer.  Her whole demeanor and mannerisms changed to become like I see in you.  It's like serious crisis can change a person and their worldview and you can sense that in their energy.  I can't really explain it.  Gentle, convicting, beautiful energy. 

[Razard86]

6 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

@Razard86 Your words really hold a punch (in a good way).  Sometimes you remind me of my mum before she passed on.  She transcended her ego during brain cancer.  Her whole demeanor and mannerisms changed to become like I see in you.  It's like serious crisis can change a person and their worldview and you can sense that in their energy.  I can't really explain it.  Gentle, convicting, beautiful energy. 

Wow that's a powerful post!! If you don't mind sharing more in a separate post I would be honored to hear about that story. I was fortunate in a lot of ways. If my family wasn't deep into Christianity (even though my Dad didn't really full live it in his life) I wouldn't have the world view I have. The character model of Jesus is very powerful. There was a certain level of strength I saw in Jesus in subconscious level that at the time I couldn't understand but now thanks to Leo and other spiritual teachings it all makes sense now. But even before I came across Spirituality I was noticing that love was the answer but I had doubts so I stuck to rationality with a focus on logical models but the moment Leo went Infinity and talked about how he became God and love and truth are one....I was like OF COURSE!!! 

So it was like every event in my life had to happen the way it did to teach me the power of love and truth. I only know the importance of love and truth through pure raw experience. Also there are a lot of devotional tireless people I have come across who humble the hell out of me. They take a lot of time out of their busy schedules to give back. But notice we can only see how beautiful that act is, with the contrast of so much rampant selfishness. 

Its funny its easy to be grateful for rare things, but when something is common place we take it for granted. If world peace ever became a norm, the generation born into that world would think it normal and have no clue all the trials and tribulations that led up to it.

[Proserpina]

@Razard86 Sure. My mum suffered from serious brain cancer (Glioblastoma) for two years.  Her personality changed almost immediately to a very sweet and beautiful disposition.  I cried immensely when it happened, it broke me to see her change so drastically as my ego couldn't stand the sudden shift.  It's like her ego immediately gave way in the crisis.  My mum was always a highly intelligent and capable woman and knew how to adapt to any circumstance and its almost like she knew that to adapt to this meant to let go of her ego.  In exchange for her no ego disposition the universe seemingly decided it was a fitting exchange to remove her most prized egoic possession which was her intelligence.  For some reason the energies between you and her align.  Like your soul knew to let go at some point to adapt as well.  That's what my intuition is picking up on.  It was a sudden shift, like my mum.  You have the same beautiful soul.  It's like walking down memory lane. 

[PeaceOut96]

All suffering is illussory. With that said I emphasize with you. But in Truth we are the cause of our own suffering. You need to understand yourself on a personal level. When you become conscious of yourself totally you have the key. The mind is not built for self trancendence you have to understand that. There isn't a "you" that gets to decide wether you trancend or not. Life is playing out if you identify with the "you" inside your mind than you get lost in delusion. The harder your thoughts and emotions bother you the more urgent it is to let go. Awakening is total peace and love. Where can you find it? In the vast emptiness that is Life itself. With that said take care of yourself, your body and life. But just realize it is just as it is. No worries, no useless and endless thinking. Just be as you truly are. 

[PeaceOut96]

2 hours ago, Razard86 said:

Devotion, the path of devotion will heal you. Based on your posts you are still too focused on your self, the only way to feel love in this instance is to give the love to others that you wish you could have received. Maybe you could try volunteering to help those who don't have the bare necessities we often take for granted. Before I found spirituality early in my life I was very devotional to those in my life and that was what prevented me from being angry at the world all the time. 

Your rage can subside when you see you can lift others up around you, that you can make an impact. Additionally by being surrounded by so many giving people who volunteer their time and efforts to lift others up it will show you how many loving people there are in the world. This is something you should see as it can help change the paradigm you currently have going on in your head. 

Doesn't always work. It depends on your ego structure. Some are just filled up with to much emotional bagage that selfless action won't cut trough the all the negative energy. The best way is to awaken as much as possible in ones life, when one reaches though a certain point one is more effective in being selfless. 

[5-D - L O V E]

@Razard86

On 02/01/2023 at 3:02 AM, Razard86 said:

Devotion, the path of devotion will heal you. Based on your posts you are still too focused on your self, the only way to feel love in this instance is to give the love to others that you wish you could have received. Maybe you could try volunteering to help those who don't have the bare necessities we often take for granted. Before I found spirituality early in my life I was very devotional to those in my life and that was what prevented me from being angry at the world all the time. 

Your rage can subside when you see you can lift others up around you, that you can make an impact. Additionally by being surrounded by so many giving people who volunteer their time and efforts to lift others up it will show you how many loving people there are in the world. This is something you should see as it can help change the paradigm you currently have going on in your head. 

I agree with you, and it all makes sense on an intellectual level, but energetically I feel off when I'm around people since I always perceive that I'm the only one "practicing" unconditional-love while everyone else is lost in delusion.

And I often get attacked and ridiculed for speaking my truth... So in a way I lost faith in "others" (I know everyone is me...) I lost faith in all Egos (including "mine"). I've done my share of volunteering in the past and I've come to know that it's not for me, I get into flow states when I'm teaching someone something I'm pationate about but then again, people don't trust me or my methods... Just because of the jugement they materialize from the energy I give off.

So I don't what to love, or why love, even the intuition of fully loving myself selfishly I seem I cannot carry on with.

I'm lost because of (lack of) love.

 

[puporing]

@5-D - L O V E Highly recommend Matt Kahn's work if you haven't been following yet. A living embodiment of the Absolute with a focus on healing - which is intricately related to integrating your ego. It can take some time and many iterations of shedding the old conditioned self especially if you have a lot of baggage to work through so don't beat yourself up. A fully realized and healed/embodied being is extremely rare still but is a catalyst for all. There're a lot of inner shifts that need to happen and it's very hard to do on your own without a guide that knows what they're talking about... 

That and I do find the occasional anti-depressant (which isn't how it's supposed to be used but how I found most helpful) has helped me get out of a "dark night of the soul" situation relatively quickly (particularly when it's energetic in nature), you can prob get similar results with things like ketamine but I haven't tried that myself.

Keep in mind also that trauma is not just from this particular life time, most obviously is our immediate family's, and then things we absorb from the environment, and culture and/or collective, and so some of us are dealt a heavy hand. And you might feel like energetically it seems quite vast and more than you can handle.. because there were a lot of imprints as consciousness is all interconnected. Similarly when you heal you are also indirectly healing others (where the "self-love" becomes "Self-Love" ). If you're very sensitive to other people's energies it's good to learn boundary-setting (both externally and internally) and noticing how much you can tolerate so as to keep your level of consciousness relatively unaffected.

It may not seem like it, but you are making progress, just not in the way we typically "measure" it. Surrendering works similarly as on psychedelics in this case, there's a similar experience of "dying" as you expand your sober state of consciousness. Eventually the peace and love will be the pre-dominant experience and shadows are more like little blips. Getting there can feel like eating glass at times though.

Edited January 4, 2023 by puporing

[Buba]

Go to psychoanalysis.