Inner resistance to positive change

[Pharion]

I've recently done a lot self-observation. I've made proggress, and I'm now at a point where I have the wisdom, tools, knowledge, experience, capacity to grow in lasting ways in regards to my health, inner world / spirituality, life purpose, and just generally how I operate in life. I've also learned through expierence that egoic pleasure seeking / pain avoidance activities always backfire and never work in the long term. 

That said... as I take steps to create positive changes, there's a self-destructive / ego preserving tendency that arises. I could try to describe it as fatalism, nihlism, a negative self-image or feeling that I don't deserve health or success in my highest goals, but it's really just a feeling, or inner proccess that I'm aware of. It seems to be a resistance to self-actualization. It's like my mind's ideal state is to be making a little bit of proggress, but not too much. Maybe there's a fear that the real thing won't be what I imagined, or that I'll get depressed once I succeed, or maybe it's just a resistance to self limitation, knowing what I'll have to sacrifice and give up to get there - even though I think I want to make those sacrifices.

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this resistance or inner sensation that keeps them from life-changing growth. I guess the ego just resists change by nature, and a significant identity change is threatening to it, but I've built my ego up as an identity that sincerely wants to grow and change for the better. 

The current next step I'm planning is a psychedelic trip and focus on just investigating and asking myself: "What do I truly want?" And really make that clear in all levels of my mind and contemplate that, and hopefully find where exactly the resistance is. 

I'm open to any advice or thoughts on this. 

 

[Cathal]

just let go of it, why is that a problem? it's just a habit you have of self-defeating so you don't have to face the feeling of being a failure and remain in the comfort of a limited belief system. you state you've learned through enough experience that egoic pain avoidance activies always backfire and never work in the long term, so there you go. just embrace it and let it arise and pass away, observe it and understand it's just an old habit coming up, be gentle and understanding about it, no need to trip to contemplate it. just understand

an intention to do something with an unpredictable outcome > the habit to avoid potential unpleasant emotions appears > identification as 'mine/I/me' dictates whether or not the action of following through with said intention or falling back into old habit patterns.

just keep being mindful and let it go, resistance is normal, it's okay, we love being miserable and complaining so we don't have to do difficult things

[Pharion]

Thank you. Appreciate your wisdom.  My mind's like an elephant who was whipped as a child if it tried to break its chain to escape. Now, it's grown older, wiser, and maybe grown strong enough to break the chain if it tried with all its strength, but learned helplessness dictates that pulling hard leads to suffering, so the mind sabotages the attempt to become free. 

[Cathal]

@Pharion nurture yourself more. you are safe now, in this moment, that reality no longer exists, it's not real

[VeganAwake]

@Pharion What your describing is often referred to as ego backlash....yes totally normal!

Just like a dog with bad habits you have to retrain.

But remember it's not denying how you truly feel. It's about recognizing those inner resistance patterns that no longer serve you.... kind of like becoming your own psychologist.

Start with something that causes a little bit of resistance and watch those conditioned reactions arise. Then start implementing in the more desirable reactions...... at first they will feel totally out of place...... which is also completely normal.

Turn the whole thing into a game and make it fun!

Everybody's conditioning is different so there's not really a one-way fits all method to this kind of thing.

♥ 

[Breakingthewall]

In my opinion it is essential to do field work. get out of your comfort zone over and over again, each time more intensely. in short: fight. you have to break the conditionings that keep you bound. it is not enough to do self-inquiry work, meditation and psychedelics. you have to go out in the arena and fight. think that ultimately you are also what is outside of you. Thinking that you can ignore the outside and only work on the inside is a mistake. there is no outside and inside

[Razard86]

On 12/30/2022 at 3:39 AM, Pharion said:

I've recently done a lot self-observation. I've made proggress, and I'm now at a point where I have the wisdom, tools, knowledge, experience, capacity to grow in lasting ways in regards to my health, inner world / spirituality, life purpose, and just generally how I operate in life. I've also learned through expierence that egoic pleasure seeking / pain avoidance activities always backfire and never work in the long term. 

That said... as I take steps to create positive changes, there's a self-destructive / ego preserving tendency that arises. I could try to describe it as fatalism, nihlism, a negative self-image or feeling that I don't deserve health or success in my highest goals, but it's really just a feeling, or inner proccess that I'm aware of. It seems to be a resistance to self-actualization. It's like my mind's ideal state is to be making a little bit of proggress, but not too much. Maybe there's a fear that the real thing won't be what I imagined, or that I'll get depressed once I succeed, or maybe it's just a resistance to self limitation, knowing what I'll have to sacrifice and give up to get there - even though I think I want to make those sacrifices.

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this resistance or inner sensation that keeps them from life-changing growth. I guess the ego just resists change by nature, and a significant identity change is threatening to it, but I've built my ego up as an identity that sincerely wants to grow and change for the better. 

The current next step I'm planning is a psychedelic trip and focus on just investigating and asking myself: "What do I truly want?" And really make that clear in all levels of my mind and contemplate that, and hopefully find where exactly the resistance is. 

I'm open to any advice or thoughts on this. 

 

The solution is simple, realize that your ego desire comfort, so seek discomfort whenever discomfort is between you and a desired goal. Got paperwork to do and you think it is boring? GREAT!! A perfect opportunity to learn to face boredom. The mind loves to conceptualize things and as a result you never really experience things. If you think boredom is bad, that means you have never experienced boredom just your interpretation of it, which is just an energetic expression.

When you realize your entire life is just you judging the different sensations that arise and you tricked into them NOT being energy by them taking the form of color, shape, sound, mind chatter, and emotion then you realize what type of game is actually being played here. For example the issue isn't the paperwork, its your conceptualization of it, and the energy that gets expressed as a result of that conceptualization. So all you need to do to meet all goals is to not conceptualize about things you need to do and just do them and if you happen to conceptualize realize that conceptualization is never the actual experience. Conceptualization about something is actually prejudice, so this should let you know by their very nature egos are prejudiced. GOOD LUCK!!

Edited January 1, 2023 by Razard86