Honestly… yes, I hate myself

[Linda22]

Hi everyone?

I feel very bad today. I don’t want to tell my story and share my feelings, I don’t think it’s necessary. I just want to say that I discovered how much I hate myself. It’s what makes me unavailable to live lately. I was much more productive and loving. So long story short, should I forget about myself as much as I can? Maybe almost completely if it’s possible? Will it be right to meditate all day and night and just forget about my responsibilities as an ego for sometime? I really don’t know what to decide because I can’t love myself as a human being no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I think Judas didn’t hate himself as much as I hate myself. I know that’s stupid, I am neither a serial killer nor I r*pe people but I r*pe myself lol. Yup, there’s no way I can function as a human being right now. I just want to escape my ego completely. Should I try it? I know ego is still necessary for survival but please tell me that I should let it go as much as I can if it suffers me that much. 
thank you for reading.

[AndylizedAAY]

@Linda22If you're just getting started, then why do you feel bad about yourself? Are you living not to lose or are you living to win?

[Linda22]

@AndylizedAAY I am so sorry?
I don’t understand what you mean but yeah I feel bad about myself and so guilty. I have a terrible social anxiety and I feel like I am a failure in everyone’s eyes. I wasn’t like this always, for sometime I got so much better that I was giving others advices but now everyone left me because I am a loser and I don’t even want to leave house. I think I have agoraphobia because sometimes I am scared that everyone is looking at me at transport and they think I am crazy because I look so anxious. Yup I am stupid and paranoid but seriously, I want to become a monk lolz. I am really tired of caring about my place in society.

sorry I am not a native English speaker. I hope you understood well.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Linda22

[nhoktinvt]

linda22 i think you're gonna be ok just keep calm and enjoy your pains, failures they're there to grow you make you stronger smarter better !

-your online guru

[Linda22]

@nhoktinvt Ughh, thank you so much. I really want to throw my ego but thanks. For universe it doesn’t matter in what condition I live right?  I really want to think about higher self. What if I awaken and then become strong enough to love my ego? I really want to forget about my life and don’t worry about my future. I just want someone experienced to tell me that it’s fine if I let go my ego because I also hurt my family members. I am indifferent to them and don’t care about them as much as I did in past. I lost friends because of my shyness and hurt on of my friend so badly because I was angry and toxic. I want to let go of my ego so badly and I don’t understand what’s bad about it? I am a human right but I think it’s completely normal to forget about it until you are ready to function as a person again.

[Carl-Richard]

Nothing wrong with meditating a little to gain some distance and sort your thoughts. The problem would be if you start using it consistently to avoid solving your problems. If you intend to solve your problems, then it's only good.

[Linda22]

I am really grateful that  people like you exist. Thank you so much for supporting me!!?

I feel better now because I literally forced myself SO SO SOO HARD to go out and be social and normal. I was so bullied in school that I lost all faith in me. Also my dad used to physically hurt me but I don’t really want to blame anyone for my difficult situation… anyways, I forced myself going out. I left house and went to university after a long time. I got on a faculty which is the hardest one to be accepted on in Georgia but I stopped studying after anxiety made me go “insane”. Today I told myself that no matter how embarrassing my past situations were, no matter how badly I was bullied, no matter how much pain was I feeling I just needed to go. I did it cause I have done that in past when I felt more awakened. This experience made me gain so much friends even though I didn’t care about friends and life generally lolz.
So when entered the room, I felt so much fear but again I forced myself to stay positive and it was so uncomfortable but I did it!! And everyone in my university were so loving to me, suddenly my anxiety left me and I thought that it was a miracle. I wanted to cry honestly because I haven’t felt so calm for a decade. It was a bliss. We had a great time!!
Few times I embarrassed myself because I don’t remember social skills so well right now  but still we got closer. I posted something on Instagram and so many of them liked it lolzz.

I also met my neighbor and she told me oh you look so great and different today!!

I saw my university lecturer too and was a little bit scared to talk to him but I still said hi and had a conversation with him. Turned out he was a shy person too. 
I am so happy and grateful
Thank you for always being there for me when I post and thanks God!
I will never forget this day because it gave me so much faith.

I can’t believe!!
All the way back home I was crying
I did something I thought I could not do anymore 

(Btw for those of you who are interested I am 18years old)

Edited December 28, 2022 by Linda22

[Linda22]

I want to add that I still feel so anxious of course  but it’s like.. I sometimes get free from it. I feel like I can do it one day. I hope soon but it will be hard since it suffers me all day and night, when I am asleep too.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Linda22

[Hojo]

You do not forget the things you hate. You understand why you hate them and then expose yourself to that reason you found and accept it.

Edited December 29, 2022 by Hojo

[Linda22]

@Hojo yes I agree with you. I just want it super hard to make choices in life right now. I still want to forget life and my ego and run in India lolz but I don’t know I feel like it will irresponsible to leave everyone and everything so easily.

[Yimpa]

 

[WelcometoReality]

@Linda22 As someone with social anxiety myself and someone who tried to get rid of it for 15 years.. One of the best things I did was accepting that I had it. When I was trying to get rid of it I was pushing myself really hard to be something that I wasn't and that was exhausting. Also it made me even more uncomfortable in social situations than I already were. 

I think a better approach to it is try to relax in those situations and be yourself. Even though that can make the social anxiety feel worse in the short term because it feels like you're really vulnerable at first. In the long term though you feel comfortable and grounded.

At least that's what worked for me. Hopefully I'm making some sense. ?

 

[Linda22]

@Yimpa Self-compassion??

So important❤️

[Linda22]

@WelcometoReality Yes, That’s right! But social anxiety isn’t only problem I have unfortunately. I don’t think socially anxious people are worse than anyone else. It’s just.. I feel too much pressure right now.

I feel better rn but I don’t know? I force myself so much and feel much more energetic and happy. I am scared I am bipolar too because my mood changes so quickly lately. Thank you so much for advice and I am so so happy to meet someone with the same issue I have!!?

[SamC]

On 2022-12-28 at 9:11 AM, Linda22 said:

Hi everyone?

I feel very bad today. I don’t want to tell my story and share my feelings, I don’t think it’s necessary. I just want to say that I discovered how much I hate myself. It’s what makes me unavailable to live lately. I was much more productive and loving. So long story short, should I forget about myself as much as I can? Maybe almost completely if it’s possible? Will it be right to meditate all day and night and just forget about my responsibilities as an ego for sometime? I really don’t know what to decide because I can’t love myself as a human being no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I think Judas didn’t hate himself as much as I hate myself. I know that’s stupid, I am neither a serial killer nor I r*pe people but I r*pe myself lol. Yup, there’s no way I can function as a human being right now. I just want to escape my ego completely. Should I try it? I know ego is still necessary for survival but please tell me that I should let it go as much as I can if it suffers me that much. 
thank you for reading.

Its a part of a process. I come to the realisation that I hate myself all the time and then I am like ughhhhh, I hate myself I don't want to hate myself I just want to let go And be someone else.

^^

This is normal And I would honestly say it's good. I understand it's tough but try to observe what's happening as much as possible. You are not it, eventhough you are in the mist of it right now.

Do what makes you feel good. If you want to let go of your ego, it's something you could strive towards and do. If you don't want to do that, that's also fine. 

Foucs on yourself and give yourself what you most want in this hard time right now. You deserve it!

[IDressMyDog]

[Hojo]

13 hours ago, Linda22 said:

@Hojo yes I agree with you. I just want it super hard to make choices in life right now. I still want to forget life and my ego and run in India lolz but I don’t know I feel like it will irresponsible to leave everyone and everything so easily.

How responsible have you been during your lifetime maybe being a little irresponsible will be good for you

[roopepa]

On 28.12.2022 at 10:11 AM, Linda22 said:

I feel very bad today. I don’t want to tell my story and share my feelings, I don’t think it’s necessary.

That's alright, though be sure to talk about it with someone you feel safe to open up to / journal. It might not seem like it at first, but opening up / expression is super helpful.

On 28.12.2022 at 10:11 AM, Linda22 said:

I just want to say that I discovered how much I hate myself. It’s what makes me unavailable to live lately. I was much more productive and loving. So long story short, should I forget about myself as much as I can? Maybe almost completely if it’s possible?

You don't really hate yourself. You are focusing / believing thoughts about a self and feeling the thoughts.

On 28.12.2022 at 10:11 AM, Linda22 said:

I know ego is still necessary for survival but please tell me that I should let it go as much as I can if it suffers me that much. 

No, the ego is not necessary for survival. Rather, "survival" is believing a thought / concept, which is what the ego is.

Let it go simply by acknowledging that you're experiencing suffering (which is what this thread is already about btw) and hunting down what thoughts / beliefs feel bad.

Keep a journal or your phone's notes-app handy, and write down any beliefs or thoughts you spot in the moment. Do a list for example. That's pretty much all that's needed. Clarity comes naturally as suffering is acknowledged and beliefs spotted.

[Linda22]

@SamC ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Linda22]

@Hojo haha, maybe:))