Feeling like Not Doing Enough (Vent Post)

[Ayham]

This is just a vent post, nothing useful here, it's more like a cringey journal entry. 

 

Today I met someone at school who makes me feel like a useless loser, I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile.

He is very smart, ranked the first in an IQ test we took. 

His hobby is studying college physics for fun (since he was 11). 

He plays the violin. 

Knows 2 programming languages. 

Speaks English fluently. 

He is an extremely charismatic introvert, who's very calm and mature, and has high levels of self esteem and he's a leader when he wants to be. 

and that's only the stuff I asked him about, he probably has other stuff. 

 

While I, have nothing to show for myself, yes I read books, I meditate, I eat healthy and exercise, but all of these are soft skills, not helpful for the "real world", and my personality is just me being goofy 24/7, opposite of being mature. 

I have been struggling to even find my life purpose, I think it's about contributing wisdom to the world somehow, but I am not clear on the domain of mastery, but then again, I have been interested in self actualization topics since I was 12, so I don't know if this is a sign that it's true to me, or a sign that I haven't tried enough stuff to choose. 

 

Next year will be my senior year in high school, my goal currently is to learn web development so I can support myself to study abroad since I don't wanna remain in my country (Iraq), yet my parents are against this and want me to stay and support them since this is the norm here. 

I have had the illusion of doing good for a long time, I needed the awakening that I am not doing enough

If I fail to learn web development, I am fucked, I will have to go the hard way to be able to get out of Iraq. 

Yet there is also school that's taking so much of my time. 

I think I just need to focus on knowing my life purpose and programming. 

 

My life purpose is similar to leo's (even before leo showed his in the course), so  maybe I am influenced by him and its not my authentic thing, but maybe it is, I really haven't tried other fields than this, but I have been inclined towards it since I was 12, and I don't have to time to try other stuff right now. 

For fuck's sake why is this so hard. 

I am just scared I will fuck up in life and won't be able to live an actualized life, a passionate life and will instead become a wage slave, I want to develop myself to highest degrees possible and I don't want to miss out on that. 

I think I will have to go with this as my life purpose, and it might change over time, problem is I can't even choose a domain of mastery and its very counter productive to keep changing your domain of mastery.

Well then, yes, I will put "seeking understanding to make people wise" as my life purpose, will put my ideal medium as writing (not sure again) and figure out a domain of mastery somehow. 

For now, I will put all my effort into learning programming, and if I do this successfully, it will make everything so much easier. 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by Ayham

[CameronsExploring]

https://youtu.be/ubOlsCr13q4

[Gesundheit2]

[Ayham]

@CameronsExploring nice video! motivating. 

@Gesundheit2@Gesundheit2

i like this photo, nice symbolism. how are you doing btw, i remember you a lot, you were the only person who read my journal here on the forum when i had one, can't help but feel a connection with you lol. 

[Gesundheit2]

@Ayham I'm doing great! Hope you are as well.

I've learned it the hard way that the best way to improve is to focus on myself. The healthiest comparison that you could make is with yourself and who you were yesterday. If you improve only by 0.1% everyday, you will be 36.5% better by the next year. Comparing yourself with others is invalid, unfair, and unhelpful. There are countless factors that make everyone's lives different than yours, and all of those factors are ignored when you compare yourself with others. I mean it's good to see how and what others are doing, but just as an interesting input for your own joy, creativity, and motivation.

I've learned that excessive focus on the outside world causes me to lose touch with my authentic self, and it only serves to create a poor experience overall. If you compare yourself with people who are doing better than you, you will feel less and inferior, your self-esteem will suffer, and you will become powerless or resentful. On the other hand, if you compare yourself with people who are doing worse, you will become lazy, arrogant, and cruel. Of course, there can be degrees of severity to how bad this can get, but in either cases, you won't get anywhere positive. It's just a downward spiral and really one of the biggest traps in life, and the smartest move is to move out of it entirely instantly.

Keep us updated on your web dev journey, though. I'm excited to see you breaking all the barriers that might seem unbreakable right now 

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Ayham]

@Gesundheit2 well i can understand this intellectually and see the wisdom in it, but how can i actually embody this and stop comparing?

and thanks for your godly motivation, will definitely update you my friend! 

[Gesundheit2]

@Ayham Every step closer to wisdom is a step further from ignorance. Put your focus on improving yourself and comparing yourself today with yourself yesterday, and when you catch yourself comparing with others, just observe your thoughts mindfully and ask: Is this helping me or anyone? What can I do today to improve my life tomorrow?

[Ayham]

@Gesundheit2alrighty, now i am excited, thank you so much. 

 

[Gesundheit2]

@Ayham ??

[Bob Seeker]

@Ayham https://www.actualityofbeing.com/dreamboard-1

dude, the dream board makes things so easy. Trying to figure out your life at 18 or so is not possible by definition unless you are Sri Ramana Maharshi and you want to sit on a hill for the rest of your life.

[Ayham]

@Bob Seeker yo wtf that this thing seems like hacking lol.  i like the idea, its very new, now i just have to go through the cringe of having a board that i put my dreams on infront of everyone, then it should be easy.

and yes, it has been difficult trying to figure it out, even though i am sure of my zone of genius and my impact statement, but i am stuck on the domain of mastery and the ideal mediun.
i will need to experiment with more stuff.

thank you sir for the dreamboard thing 

[Bob Seeker]

@Ayham dream board is magic. If u run into questions about it u can dm me maybe I could help.

Edited December 31, 2022 by Bob Seeker

[Ayham]

@Bob Seekerwill do