I got raped 2 months ago

[SuicidalBug]

Hi. Two months ago I got raped by a stranger at 4 am in a park. When I feel good, I can see all the sense in what happened and I don’t feel anger towards myself and not even towards my attacker. I’m a strong opponent of sending people to jail, since I know it only makes things worse when that someone comes out. And from the very little things I know about this man, I know that prison didn’t do him any good the first time he was in there. I can see all the things that changed for the best after this happened, I know that I would’ve done the same thing if I was in exactly that sort of situation, and by me I don’t think I mean this man that’s writing this right now.

When I’m not doing good, like right now, it chokes me to realized all the things I could’ve done to get the police to catch him. I could’ve called 911 right after it happened, I could’ve had the courage to follow him and find out where he lives and then call the police (the day after my rape I was horribly messed up and I still went out of the house and started looking for him. I got a lead but it turned out to be nothing). 
 

For fuck’s sake, I could’ve not spent so much time wandering the city like a ghost after the rape was over at 5am, and instead went directly to the hospital I went to where they checked me up and did a rape kit. He’s being looked for now by the criminal police here in Germany, but I’m usually at peace with the fact that they’ll never find him.

During the rape, I actually asked him why he was doing this to me and he raised his voice and there was grief and desperation to be heard. He said “Because of love”. 
 

How can I accept and understand this kind of love when it makes me want to hammer nails into my head? How can I accept it when it pulls me apart at the seames and makes me scream and cry so hard that it gets people so worried, they talk to me about going to the psych ward? And I know it’s love, because I know everything is love, but it hurts so much that I can’t even begin to be at peace when the pain hits.

 

And I’m realizing that if you look through my posts, you’ll mostly see depressing shit about me torturing myself and driving myself crazy. This is not all I am, I am so much more than this and I’m sure almost everyone that reads this would enjoy spending some time with me, which I would also enjoy truly, yet I feel a bit ashamed that this is the only facette of myself that I show here.

 

I seem to find some peace and understanding and acceptance of grief in this song. It helps me realize that sometimes things happen that seem just senseless and violent, and that we have to fight through them to create a meaning of our own. I want to get out of this knowing more about love and about myself. Learn how to love even those who treated me so bad, and how to make decisions that bring the best outcomes for everyone.

When I listen to this I can’t help but see the memory of my rapist walking up the steep grassy road in the dark, out through a tiny entrace in the park and into the streetlights for a couple of seconds, after which it was like he just disappeared, while I was staring still in shock peeing behind a tree, after which I ran as fast as I could to try to reach some light, some life, anything.

There were some people out when I got back to the center of the city. A lot of them stared at me with worry on their faces. I probably looked completely spent, as if I would’ve been pushed around in a moshpit all night until I fell unconscious for a second, being woken up by someone stomping on my hand.

I don’t mean to sound so literary, but as a writer this is my main coping mechanism to distance myself.

So I think what I’m asking is: How do I stop beating myself up? How do I cultivate understanding for this man, so that I stop wanting to see him imprisoned and in agony?

Thanking you already for the beautiful responses that I’m going to get, as usual.

[Tyler Robinson]

Press charges. 

I forgot to press charges when I was raped. 

 

Edited December 25, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[SuicidalBug]

I already did, but I don’t expect anything coming out of it, and I’m looking for ways to deal with this fact and to let go. I’m extremely sorry that this happened to you too, I hope your recovery is going well and that you have enough support in your life.

@Tyler Robinson

Edited December 25, 2022 by SuicidalBug

[Tyler Robinson]

@SuicidalBug @SuicidalBug I hope you recover as well. It can be a debilitating experience. It took me months to get over it. I'm doing okay now. 

I hope you heal completely. Take care. 

 

 

[SuicidalBug]

@Lila9 Thank you so much for the very detailed and compassionate answer, and I’m sorry you had to survive a similar experience. You’re right, I think it’s best I focus on my own healing and not so much on understanding and accepting him. He doesn’t deserve that, and I don’t have the mental power at the moment. Thankfully I’m in therapy with a trauma-focused therapist and I have a lot of support from my girlfriend, friends, family, social workers. I feel very lucky to have all this, and to have met two very compassionate policewomen who have been there for me even when I called while hysterical at 3am and one of them spent more than an hour that night to help me feel better. Thank you again, wishing you a good time!

[SuicidalBug]

@TheGreekSeeker I appreciate your advice greatly! I can do some of the things you recommended and thankfully I’m already seeing a good therapist. What’s clear for me now through the help of the replies I got, is that I need to focus myself on my healing a lot more and need to show love to myself before (if) I try to understand and show love to someone who hurt me.

[Linda22]

I think you should tell police even though 2months have passed  because I am 99% percent sure he will r*pe someone again.

sorry for saying this but I do think so.