Should I pursue pick up while feeling lonely?

[Ampresus]

Not sure whether this belongs in this subforum or the one about dating, but for now I'll leave it here.

Recently my girlfriend from uni broke up with me and it hit me hard that besides her I really had no one else I considered a friend there. In a way I used our relationship to cope with my loneliness. I remember vividly when she asked me what I wanted out of our relationship and I simply told her ''I want to stop feeling alone'' whereas she said ''I want somebody that I can improve and he can improve me''.

As heartbroken as I was and still am, I know now that no girl can satisfy that inner craving. I have been to parties, done pick up before and am now considering hitting the bars again alone this weekend. This loneliness hit me hard enough that I even approached a girl I had huge feelings for (but didn't work out, she didn't feel the same way) because I was so alone and wanted someone to talk to. She made me realize there could never be one girl that could fulfil that for me. Even her, someone I consider perfect for me, can't fix my loneliness. What is the point of going out for then? Just meaningless sex and upping my body count? What is the point of going into another relationship when I know it won't fulfil me? I feel like no amount of partying, sex and even ''meaningful'' relationships can help me with this. Everything about going to a bar, socializing with drunks and getting phone numbers feels so shallow to me. The best thing that can happen, and did happen with my ex, was that I get a girlfriend and I still feel lonely. Solves nothing except horny issues. Might as well fap from time to time or pay hookers if I am feeling really horny.

I watched Leo's videos about loneliness and started doing his ''satisfaction'' meditation daily. So far that is the only step I feel somewhat works. No amount of socializing can make me feel at peace as much as just sitting there. I am pretty sure I was close to my first awakening just a few days ago, but I don't want to hype my spiritual ego up too much.

I guess what I am asking is what should I do? Hit that bar anyway? Push through? Get maybe a few phone numbers, best case get laid and proceed like my loneliness isn't there? I feel like at this point no amount of girls, sex, booze, psychedelics or socializing in general can help me. My other option really is doing a little retreat in my own home where I will cut off all electronics and just meditate for at least one full day. Maybe multiple days if I can keep it up.

Any thoughts/suggestions are welcome.

[Grateful Dead]

Turning off all electronics and just sitting with yourself for a day is a good idea I think.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIsy_HSHkKo

 

[flowboy]

@Ampresus  I empathize. I've had times where I felt so lonely/alone that I chased every girl away with it. I vividly remember how a girl I was sleeping with who was really into me, instantly stopped responding to me when I begged her to come over because I felt alone.

Pickup will be an uphill battle from this state, and won't solve that feeling either.

I discovered later that my lonely feeling was part due to repressed pain from my childhood. Never fitting in, getting bullied, getting left alone with people who scared me, stuff like that.

I worked on that (and still do at times) using shadow work and also worked with a professional trauma therapist, Primal therapy works best for me.

Also, I started exploring myself, new interests I hadn't dared go into, took acting classes, improv classes, public speaking, tantra workshops, and I gathered a solid tribe from all of those things.

Having good deep friendships helps a lot.

Then you have a life that a girl would want to be part of.

 

To summarize:

• Lasting, debilitating negative emotional states rarely only have to do with the present situation, there's usually resonance with the past that is an opportunity for healing and lightening the load
• I found shadow work and different forms of emotional healing work helpful, and also finding my tribe through pursuing new interests was helpful. My life was more complete and it was easier to not depend on a girl for emotional well-being, which made me a more attractive choice and I knew it.
• I still did sporadic approaches and online dating. There's nothing wrong with it. Some girls would just really like me and date me or sleep with me even though they could see I wasn't "complete" within myself. And that was nice. But making my own life more fun and complete, with passions and friendships, made all of that a lot easier.

[Tyler Robinson]

3 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Ampresus  I empathize. I've had times where I felt so lonely/alone that I chased every girl away with it. I vividly remember how a girl I was sleeping with who was really into me, instantly stopped responding to me when I begged her to come over because I felt alone.

Pickup will be an uphill battle from this state, and won't solve that feeling either.

I discovered later that my lonely feeling was part due to repressed pain from my childhood. Never fitting in, getting bullied, getting left alone with people who scared me, stuff like that.

I worked on that (and still do at times) using shadow work and also worked with a professional trauma therapist, Primal therapy works best for me.

Also, I started exploring myself, new interests I hadn't dared go into, took acting classes, improv classes, public speaking, tantra workshops, and I gathered a solid tribe from all of those things.

Having good deep friendships helps a lot.

Then you have a life that a girl would want to be part of.

 

To summarize:

• Lasting, debilitating negative emotional states rarely only have to do with the present situation, there's usually resonance with the past that is an opportunity for healing and lightening the load
• I found shadow work and different forms of emotional healing work helpful, and also finding my tribe through pursuing new interests was helpful. My life was more complete and it was easier to not depend on a girl for emotional well-being, which made me a more attractive choice and I knew it.
• I still did sporadic approaches and online dating. There's nothing wrong with it. Some girls would just really like me and date me or sleep with me even though they could see I wasn't "complete" within myself. And that was nice. But making my own life more fun and complete, with passions and friendships, made all of that a lot easier.

Seems like you put in a lot of effort. 

 

[Hugo Oliveira]

I was in a very similar phase recently. And the amount of effort I put into solving shit by force took me to a really bad scenario. 

About relationships, based on my own experience, I would advise: slow down and take care. It is very easy to hurt yourself and even retraumatize if you look hard for external love while feeling bad about yourself. 

What I recommend is contemplating day after day what can bring you to a higher frequency and better feelings. Consider your talents, knowledge, potential, and creativity, and do your best efforts to move into a more elevated "lifestyle" little by little. 

People will be attracted to you. 

Even if it is not easy to find sometimes, love and enthusiasm should be your guide. Not shame and guilt. Be careful with the idea of healing yourself by brute force. I went down that road many times and it is not only painful but can delay your path a lot. 

DM me if you need it!