A Loving girlfriend

[Tyler Robinson]

Out of all the places. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I just can't live without this part of my life figured out. I'm a die hard romantic so everything about relationships is super attractive to me 

It's a world I simply can't live without. 

I had several boyfriends. Before...... 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

So my ex "Mr Something" at it again. 

I don't know why I don't block him. I have tried blocking him several times. My boundaries with him are getting stronger. Today I told him I'll report him if he makes me nervous. 

 

 

 

I was firm in establishing my boundaries. 

We had a toxic relationship. It was a disaster. 

He acts very rude and uncouth with me. 

The problem is that we shared a deep trauma bond. 

Its tough to block him because he is often suicidal. 

 

 

There are days when we have meaningful conversations and then days when he will be a total pig to me. 

He is my Norwegian ex boyfriend. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

This is what a toxic relationship looks like. We're no longer with each other. It's been two years since our Breakup and he still wants me back. But I don't like him anymore. I already moved on long ago. 

He thinks I should still love him. He can't get over me. 

What I want here is a friendship with him. A decent friendship. I tried explaining this to him. 

A few days ago he sent me this text confessing that he treated me really badly and I felt some empathy for him. He expressed guilt. 

 

I felt better after he acknowledged his abusive behavior. 

I have absolutely no clue why I forgot all of my ex boyfriends except this guy. 

I truly do not have feelings for him anymore. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

He is extremely manipulative, days when I avoid him, he will act like he is miserable and falling through cracks, he will wait for me to sympathize with him. 

And then other days he will actively try to hurt me. 

It's like a cycle. 

 

 

 

I'll never know why i just don't block him out for good. I did it for a good portion of the year, like 6×months. Then I received a friend request from him again. And I relented. 

I wanted to know if he was doing okay. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

This is the same guy who put me through tons of narcissistic abuse. 

In a way he taught me to be stronger. 

Sometimes I feel like I talk to him just to hurt him. Because there was so much trauma... That it's difficult to process and he is a part of it. And talking to him helps me feel empowered. Helps me feel like I can give back all that was given to me. 

Like I won't let him just get away with this. 

I want him to know how much it hurts

 

I rarely talk to him now. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I don't want him to just say "sorry" and just be done with it. Like it was nothing. Something that you can get over so easily with a simple "sorry." 

There's a part of me that wants revenge.

A part of me that wants him to realize what it means to degrade someone mentally over the course of 2 long years and not take full responsibility for it.

 

[Tyler Robinson]

He doesn't impact me that much anymore. 

I was depressed for 4×months after the breakup. It took me a long time to realize that it was all over. 

I had been there for him. I had cared for him. 

He had so swiftly manipulated my emotions. 

 

He would use his childhood trauma to manipulate me. 

Why was I so naive? 

Probably my autism. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I don't want to block him. I want to use him as a case study. A case study of why and how I fell for such an abusive man. 

I want to learn a lot more about what led me to this dynamic. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

And then as I reflect on my abusive past, a voice echoes through my head —

I was naive 

I was naive

I was naive 

I was naive

It was my fault 

It was my fault 

It was my fault 

I was autistic 

I was autistic 

I was autistic 

 

I was naive 

I was naive

I was naive 

I was naive

It was my fault 

It was my fault 

It was my fault 

I was autistic 

I was autistic 

I was autistic 

 

......... 

I am to blame 

I am to shame 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I was just naive. There's simply no other explanation.. 

 

I was raised in an abusive environment where my family put me through the same dynamic where it was okay to abuse me verbally. I got used to it. 

 

 

So his words wouldn't really raise red flags for me. 

Then there was his bipolar. 

 

He would often tell me it's his bipolar. That he didn't have his meds. And that's why he was being like that. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

A note to my ex —

I need closure. That's probably the only reason why I talk to you. 

You have given me many wounds and scars. I wish you could understand the depth of the harm you did to me. 

I understand that your childhood was abnormal and awful. What your mother did to you wasn't right. 

Yet. You cannot forever be using your childhood trauma, mental illness, your medical issues, your exes, your mother/father, the cult you joined, your neurosis and bipolar and all the unfair things that happened to you as a justification/license to abuse other people. 

You have a moral obligation and responsibility on the same level as other people. A few occasions can be forgiven as an outburst of your mental illness. 

But you have a responsibility to be a better person. 

Edited December 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[IAmReallyImportant]

You are such a cute loving couple : D

[Tyler Robinson]

I'm capable of self reflecting now and that's a road to well-being! 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

When you are incapable of loving yourself, you become a black hole and you disintegrate slowly slowly slowly. 

That's what happened to me. 

I was 16 and I used to come home and listen to angry music and I wanted to break things. I didn't know how to deal with things. 

I just knew there's was too much anger. 

Anger watching my dad not able to pull through.

Anger watching my mom acting abusive to my dad.

Anger knowing that I was helpless and born to suffer. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Self reflection and self awareness is the key to moving forward. 

And what blocks it?

Autism 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Being consciously nice is better than being unconsciously nice. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I don't have strong biases which is a good part of my character. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Autism and low cognitive development are reasons why someone can easily fall through the cracks. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I'm getting wiser and wiser. 

Any I finally believe in self love 

 

 

Yay.