Ego's journey with me

[Lija]

I'm bad at articulating myself in words and correct phrases in my own languages. Some words is all over the place example: from childhood i have connected thoughts with wrong or misleading words so i constantly lose myself in communication with voice or text

 

I gonna try to make my self understandable in text for my self and for others

 

Perfectionism kicks in every time I think about how to start and how to proceed with a journal. I get unsecure, re-wright, over-thinking. 

(just post your first text and get started and try organize as you proceed strong nervous feeling) 

 

[Lija]

Everything I write is what I believe and have connected with in small fragments here and there under a year to a gradually more clearly and bigger overview of how Egot guidning me. I'm aware self-deception can fool me(i have run into a few nasty Surprises )  If I keep exercise my mind in time it gonna show if its a big illusion or reinforces my current beliefs this spirit thing is so new and unreal

 

My life short version: a strange childhood raises my programs defense mechanics unnecessary high so ego tools to guide me gets locked permanently very early. So Egot can't learn and develop new tools

 

Whit Egos very little tool box that locked permanent (all new input must fit with current program to be accepted) 

 

Thoughts 

I think there's a few basic human behaviors i see and ego twist and bend and manipulate to fit my toolbox(program) but i have t connected on a deeper plan so i have no concept how it operates in other words emptiness/nothing no concept of a thing input from that source is nothing 

 

Thoughts

I think I perceive the reality (world view) with some sort of feeling(egots few basic tools mixed that I don't understand) super clear footprints from childhood to now mostly when something hurts me never changes. They are constant ex. I meet a person ego guide me thru some kind of feelings tone in voice body languages facial expressions 

 

Let's say 85% is feelings, 14% is for the emotions that ego guides me and 1% for words. When i use my first word towards that person ego have already done all calculations how i gonna act most words and sentences dont connect Egot have no concept of longer complex word combinations no input noting 

 

Ego's agenda what can that human do for me nothing leave a footprint that person really liked me but you to shallow for me enjoy my pressens bye

 

Thoughts 

In social situations if my ego stay to long in same environment other Ego's with a more  complex toolbox  measure my ego up and know  how to act and talk to really Hurt my ego 

 

And no one is aware everything plays out in the subconscious ego guide every second 

 

I have never have a friend in my whole life but i have many footprints of deep and loyal friends ships

 

I was addicted to computer games under Many years 10000+++ hours i only played 4-5 different games during all years i had footprint on those games footprint kill all interest for a new games ego is nasty judgmental and Critical to new games same for movies i have few movies with footprints im go back to. I have watch same movies for 15 years  thous footprint make new movies very Hard to catch my Ego's attention 

 

I wanna try to explain this  in a deeper more detail way and see if still make sense to myself when many footprints get words attached to them

[Lija]

I'm 47 years old 46 years of my life

Ego as an concept was non existing 

I had never heard the word Mindfulness and emotions smile (happy) smile down(sad angry scared) spiritualism was in same category as santa claus 

 

2021-12-24 

One of leo's beacons reach me on a deeper plane (what i mean for weeks Maby month i have listen now and then to an Clip where leo explain Ego's basic mechanics. Was unpleasant same time by something felt genuine) 

 

That day i start my first exercise for my mind i started with 3 minutes - exercise was thumb and index finger touching focus on pressure point between the fingers (reason prepare for meditation) 

 

I keep it going every day since then, testing Leo's different techniques back and forward and gradually increasing the time on exercise's. About two month ago i reached one hour a day with mind exercises (feels stable so far no crazy emotions that make me cut down the time) 

 

Current exercise's is 30 minuter meditation (trying different ones) 

 

20 minutes Mindful meditation (where you rotate seeing hearing feeling Inner and outer) 

 

Two 5 minutes thumb index finger pressure focus 

 

I have Hard time holding focus longer than 30 minutes story mode over take the exercise i cut in segments to keep it fun and going

 

[Lija]

Kindergarten age years old i have my first experience of a footprint some mental image that's just is there 

 

A strong feeling of humiliation and confusion from  a life lesson my father tried to teach me. Lesson ended with sharp aggressive tone and silence

 

Strange behaviors silence cold(show very few emotions in daily life) alcohol violence (father hit mother not hospital damage but black eye cracked lip and so on) between 4-18 years sometime less sometime more

 

No matter what father did to mother next day totally silence mother face busted and they act like an normal day not a single word about last night's drama (mother when toxicated and some physical contact happen feels like she over act and screams with a high piercing tone) 

 

Thoughts 

No talking, no attention, no feedback ex. when a child tried to show a drawing (one time a had drawn a tank on a paper and showed it to mother she exploded and just screamed at me something like NEVER EVER DRAW THINGS LIKE THAT.  then just  walk away no explanation why few seconds later like the mini trauma i just experience is handle with silence 

 

Thoughts

My parents' strange behaviors occur at random. A night with drama mother high screams should tend to a bruised face next day but she's normal sometime you Feel the presence of toxicated parents but no drama and next day mothers face busted 

 

Thoughts 

Ego has no situations that's complete. The writing code that

Happens every second to make this lifeform survival have no other options then to raise the defensive to face strong threats that's random no regulatory and no complete sequence of human behaviors

 

Thoughts 

From Kindergarten to 18 years ego used mostly one emotion fear to guide me: no words, just body language, voice tone facial expressions sounds my family even when toxicated very few words are used. Ego can't rely on voices to keep track of threats in a big apartment footsteps and sounds from walls ex. If toxicated  tend to have more contact with walls. 

 

No problem ego fix it short term and long term  programming of the mind to secure 100% survival of this lifeform all new input must be validated and work in harmony with current program 

 

Outside my secure and peaceful world(an apartment) 

Somethings is little different other programs (humans) uses a lot of words in long sequences ego fixes it as long it in harmony with Current program 

[Lija]

Around 6-8 month before the date 2012-12-24

Was the second time my ego try to murder me(planing and guide me to a suicide) the first time was about 17 years ago

 

(First murder attempt) No indirect search for help. It was planned maybe for 5-6 weeks the ego preppers me mentally created an illusion  remove all fear for die and to make sure I don't chicken out (if i cancel the plan i have nothing to return to) Egot drench my apartment in gasoline and everything i own was light on fire before heading to my car 

To really make sure I die ego is pouring a lot of vodka into me and has around 8-10 sleeping pills ready ego. Make it clear don't eat the pills to we arrive we don't wanna pass out on the way(lot of vodka and sleeping pills) destination very far away from anything that Could interrupt the agenda i was 30 years old

 

(something in there has shown me (some kind of  reward for all Hard work i spent looking inwards) why ego tries to murder me and how I survived two times. second murder attempt/plan was an even more bullet proof than the first try) 

 

Tiny random occurrence in the surrounding just enuff to derail Egos master plan(deeper explanation later) 

[Lija]

 

Ego whisper to me your fear is deep and all other emotions must be validated by fear 

 

Ego whisper to me you have felt it i controls when and how much you get access to my why of guiding you 

 

Ego whispered to me. Of all life I guided from start to finish, your life environment is the easiest to work in. I just need one tool: fear. 

 

Ego whispers to me Your body is burned out, your brain permanent damage. No matter how much you look inwards gonna change that

 

Ego whispers to me. I have seen lifeforms like Leo's many times but this is the first time I get my hands on some of those tools those strange ego'from have access to. I always get access to new communication tools first i customized to your slow and damage brain and fear

 

Egot whisper to me the vision u felt 

wasn't from me but i gonna guide you to the vision your system is permanent damage you gonna merge with something then i show you the last and final upgrades how i'm gonna murder you when you merge i just stop your heart 

[Lija]

Thoughts 

more or less everything in my world view i criticize in one way or another

In my mind

 

The journey when exercising the mind and and get more aware of this

 

Constantly criticizing everything makes you unhappy. With a higher awareness Suddenly the criticize connect on a deeper level ego reward you with happiness 

 

Thoughts 

If you stop all mind exercises at that phase rest of your life gonna Feel wonderful and meaningful compare how your life play out to this point

(there's no concept that you digging your own grave deeper Egot hide it in the subconscious) 

 

If forcing mind exercise's Egot fight you trick you make you Feel unhappy Maby for rest of you life

 

Unreal fear

Ego observing and monitoring everything Egot or something inside have made me Feel something that resembles fear but  stronger and more complex. Worst fear emotions  I experience I believe happened in dreams. This new thing operates outside of dreams and you fear you self

 

You can't force it ex. Go crazy with exercise. Ego just put a spell on you. You wake up a few weeks later when the spell vanishes. Few months later you get aware of a new severe addiction that's deep rooted. Many months later when trying to track your new addiction.  traces fragments(of visions) pile up and guide you to some time ago under a period of time. There something different like a wall stop you It's nothing (something happened when i try to force was one clue) 

 

Unreal fear

Under a long time(many years) ego has a plant footprints ( seeds ready to take root when needed). Inner voices 

I have never tried heavy drugs but I have heard a lot of stories. Heroin everyone who's tried it. saying there's nothing like it was my best/strongest experience of my life only reason i quit body's physical burned out. You have tried kill you self your body is burned. And you haven't even experience the body sensation of heroin

 

Footprint(anchor) 

Ego has made me scared (deep fear)  all my life of needles (blood samples  syringes) to connect me with heroin ego must remove fear from syringes somehow. New kind of footprint when needles no longer are scary some seed have taken root

 

Ego's world Leo's words law one(your mind is inherently self-deceptive) Unreal fear

 

[Lija]

Thoughts 

I think i idolize Leo and his words in some way. 

 

I don't know how many of Leo's words (concept) . That just merge with memories and make me feel like I understand(on a deeper plane) and make me Feel like my mind exercises doing progress

 

I have felt idolizing awareness is cut off and everything from that person makes sense and Suddenly i use the same words and defend the same beliefs as that person. But when I argue with my new knowledge. 

There's no connection, no understanding. I just remember and copy words. I can't elaborate for myself and make progress 

 

Try to appreciate some kind of awareness is involved 

[Lija]

Thoughts 

As long as I can remember every person I met. Footprint what can you do for me. If there's something I find interesting (in subconscious) ego, guide me(over Nice over pleasing) . That worked for 46 years

 

Thoughts 

Leo have a lot that's interesting me

 

Am I jealous? Is this journal to impress Leo in some way?  46 years of hard wired mind programming. How much can little mind exercise's change

 

 ego gonna punish me for this post

(Is this a joke to butter up Leo?) 

 

[Lija]

On 2022-12-21 at 1:20 AM, Lija said:

 

 

I gonna try to make my self understandable in text for my self and for others

 

Perfectionism kicks in every time I think about how to start and how to proceed with a journal. I get unsecure, re-wright, over-thinking. 

(just post your first text and get started and try organize as you proceed strong nervous feeling) 

 

On 2022-12-22 at 4:31 PM, Lija said:

(First suicide attempt ) 

2005 I was 30 years old after I set my apartment with everything I own on fire. I drove my car to a distant place in a harbor area. alcohol and sleeping pills to dull my fear. I drove in to the water (ca deepth 13 meter or 42 feet) 

 

Around halfway to bottom water pressure ruptured eardrum on one ear then next eardrum ruptured

(very strong pain in my ears properly kickstarted something inside i got out of the car swam up) then a long walk (both eardrums was damage dripping blood from my ears and nose) to a psychiatry reception 

 

(second suicide attempt) 

I lived at a treatment center in the Woods (was sent there after destroying a second apartment and everything I own. Strange feeling everything except my clothes was gone for a second time and two huge debts from two totally destroyed apartments ) three years at that treatment center. I managed to turn everyone  against myself. I was brutalt out frozen and disliked. I didn't understand the whole picture at the time(now I have experienced  collective Ego's in action. It's brutal how humans can behave. During my journey in many different psychiatric institutions. Psychiatric care systems are very special compared to the rest of society. Doctors have a lot of power and can do anything without consequences. Second suicide  same as first try Alchol and sleeping pills and faraway on  location in the Woods. When pills and alcohol have removed last fear this time I planned to hang my self in a way. It's painless. I toxicated myself and darkness came fast and temperatur sank.just waiting to drugs to kick in the time came my belt around tree and my throat was to short (must be placed in special position to be painless) pitchblack icecold belt to short i pass out(few days of totally calm fearless strong Inner peace or just dazed) 

 

 

 

 

2005 my first 3-4 years i was bouncing around in forensic psychiatric systems (i was prosecuted for arson convicted to psychological  care) then i  bounce around in adult psychiatric system to this day after second suicide  i figure this 16 years of rehabilitations and thousands of pills. Haven't change me very much 

 

Some time after that i found Leo's videos somehow 

He presented a different way to tackle mental illness

 

 

Thoughts 

Both my suicide  i was  drunk (alcohol) and sleeping pills and both time a was in a cold  begining of hyperthermia Maby the cold dazed the ego. And something deep inside  did it's thing

 

Thoughts 

Fewer/infection in body i believe really daze the ego

 

Same if i haven't slept in 24-48 hours ego get dazed

 

And cold daze ego(i play around with experimenting. Talking a cold shower before meditation micro daze the ego and Maybe alert the focus 

 

They are unpleasant bodily states/functions and don't last for very long. During this periods i feel distinct Inner peace (mind stop criticize and calm down) 

 

Thoughts 

Suicidal people need get introduced to Ego's basic mechanics in some way (as I understand it when the identity is badly treatment it override everything and ego have no concept of the body and identity must be secure. I had no clue how the mind operates in rough takes. 17 years in the psychiatry system no doctors or psychologist or anybody have mentioned spiritualism words like ego Mindfulness is non existing. 

 

Thoughts 

Mental health care doctors and psychologists are literally spiritual guides they are supposed to be gurus. Good luck trying to explain 1 year's meditation vs 17 years of pills to a doctor 

 

Thoughts 

My worldview is very little im asocial and totally in my mental room with more or less one emotion fear. Insane how ego can brutally play with congentiv dissonance. I criticize everyone harder and deeper the more time I spend with a person. I'm brutally toxic whit my actions in and out side my mind but Its hidden in subconscious 

 

Thoughts 

How I survive in social environments. I'm the athletic type above average. If some run faster than me. Then I play the strength card in my mind to raise myself above and often pity them. Ego has built a brutal identity. Ego uses specific footprint or templars to override social events. Exempel three people can bully and use me as a doormat to make a fool of me. I don't register the situation. One word or an act from a person creates a footprint (or mental image/map)  lot of energy activities to glorify my identity and that footprint becomes super clear and a permanent label binds to a people's items' environments. With no logic or reason. I'm overly kind, can't say no and very fast feel secure among people i feel superior to and try to be close to them. Secure outgoing people i believe ego active jealous against them very easy or Quick. Jealousy is like russian roulette. Anything can happen and it is very hard to detect on a deeper plane. 

 

My worldview (my truth) constantly changes my ground foundation(value) is all over the place this how i feel now

 

 

Thoughts 

As long as I can remember every person I met. Footprint what can you do for me. If there's something I find interesting (in subconscious) ego, guide me(over Nice over pleasing) . That worked for 46 years

2005 I was 30 years old after I set my apartment with everything I own on fire. I drove my car to a distant place in a harbor area. White alcohol and sleeping pills to dull my fear. I drove in to the water (ca deepth 13 meter or 42 feet) 

 

Around halfway to bottom water pressure ruptured eardrum on one ear then next eardrum ruptured

(very strong pain in my ears properly kickstarted something inside i got out of the car swam up) then i walked to a psychiatry reception 

 

2005 my first 3-4 years i was bouncing around in forensic psychiatric systems then i bouncing around in adult psychiatric system to this day after second suicide  i figure this 16 years of rehabilitations and thousands of pills. Haven't change me very much 

 

Some time after i found Leo somehow 

He presented a different way to tackle mental illness