Please help me

[Aakash Vijayan]

I am a 29 year old male currently in a relationship with an avoidant gf of 27 years of age. For the first five months of my relationship it was good we regularly-ish had dates and are in the honeymoon phase so things felt good. She now left my hometown for a duration of 2 months for a course and ever since she moved there she has met new friends and has a lot of fun with them. I have no friends and I get extremely jealous when she has fun. I start comparing the time she has with me with the time she has with her friends. She stays up late drinking with them and hanging with friends and having home parties and different guy friends' apartments. I feel left out. On a day where she said she was gonna go have drinks and hang out with her friends (both male and female) at her male friend's apartments I got triggered and I thought I should go out drinking alone. It didn't help and in a non conformational way I tried to call her and she said she's having fun so she'll call me later. So she did and I told her all of this and she didn't acknowledge and said she needed friends and what she has with me for her mental health and that she is happy. I mentioned about my attachment and abandonment wounds and she didn't acknowledge or understand them. I wanted to know if I am a priority to her and whether she has fun with me. Coz I feel in our time alone even if she has drinks with me she gets tired fast and wants to fall asleep. But with her friends she stays up all night long and even dances and stuff and I go into a spiral thinking how come I don't get her that excited that she wants to be that exuberant with me. She says she is emotionally attached to me butshe isn't vulnerable withe and ainfeel I can share emotional deep stuff with her. I feel out of touch with my masculinity as well. When I mentioned all this she said do I have problem with her hanging with male friends and I didn't know to answer. She said if it triggers me this she said said I should know that she doesn't see friends as male and femal and that sometimes if they get dunk a male friend can sometimes hug her or kiss her on the cheek in a platonic way and that they all pass out on the same bed with their bodies intertwined not knowing who is male and female and that she doesn't see anything. She says if someone touches her with a romantic intention she would know that. She says she knows her boundaries mentally so she is loyal to me. I asked her if she has lost attraction to me. And she answered no. But she said If ai keep bringing this up then she might.

 

I am not able to focus on work or focus on my "passions". I work a base line job of being a casualty doctor which aindomt like and I make music on the side. But despite it being a passion I dont put the regular work. I can't find friends of the same wavelength here. There are no random events or group activities that happen here for me to join. I feel like I need friends to get my emotional needs met which ai don't get to meet with her.I also feel I need this intense and physically intimate friendships just to one up her and thoughts like that. I have co dependent tendencies and want to stay in this relationship because of a sexual scarcity and finally having sex after a long dry spell. 

How do I stop getting jealous of my girlfriend hanging out with her friends and getting non sexually physically intimate with her male and female friends. It completely consumes me. How do I stop this constant comparing of whether she has more fun with friends and becoming more exuberant with her friends than she's with me. I feel really lonely. And I have started therapy. I'm finally beginning some mindfulness and guided meditation practices but all of this is a process that's going to take time. 

I need perspectives on this and some reassurance. Please help me

 

[Cathal]

i'm going to shoot you with some quick bullet points. kapow

• you did not emotionally develop from how your parents raised you but now you are being given the opportunity to do so if you take the time to reflect and stop getting identified with everything thinking you need to fix anything, because you don't, you already have what your mind is seeking, you don't need anyone or anything at all
• stop  grasping at the outside world in your states of loneliness if you want to actually change. because if you go on doing that you will be trapped in your insecurities, trapped in your need to secure it and go on conditioning your own co-dependent tendencies as you say
• you are out of touch with your masculinity because you have to depend on others to give you what you already have, as i said
• if you practice mindfulness correctly, you will be able to be observant of how your mind tends to cling onto certain objects to feel safe, but you already 'are' safe, you have to not only be mindfully aware but recognize, you are actually indeed safe right now, and believe that - this is called gladenning the mind in the practice of anapanasati (mindfulness of breathing). watch this - this is actually reconditioning ourselves out of these bad habits
• these are all habits, understand that, there is no permanent you trapped in this, emotionally it feels like that right now, and you are creating stories in your head about how you feel to be 'you', to be personal, but in reality that's not true and a good meditation practice will make you for yourself realize this and let go
• your jealously is just your own insecurities being reflected back to you, that you need to fix them by partaking in 'securing' them, but once you understand why you are feeling insecure, you just let go and you won't have to try or stop not caring, you just will not care
• you need to reflect on how your parent's raised you up, how you were a victim to the way they raised you up, and how you are no longer a victim and capable of developing a ground of being rooted in aloneness and not a scattered fragmented child rooted in his insecurities
• there's a difference between emotional needs and what you describe here, understand that - it's true you need food to survive right, but you don't need fish and chips to survive, that's what is going on here, you have a lot of things going on in your inner child that are not grounded in your reality but come from your childhood
• nurture yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself, you don't need other people to do that. let go of believing you need mom and dad to do that, because you can learn to do that yourself now.

[Blackhawk]

@Aakash Vijayan That's completely insane. I feel jealous and anxious just from hearing that.

I would leave her before she cheats on you (maybe she already does it), or before she leaves you for someone else.

There's also several signs that she doesn't love you that much.

I wonder if she would be fine with you partying with girls and then sleeping with them. Um I don't think so. Not if she truly wants you.

But this is just my opinion.

Edited December 20, 2022 by Blackhawk

[flowboy]

@Aakash Vijayan  My advice would be to seek out YouTube channels and podcasts that talk about avoidant/anxious dynamics, you may find some good specific tips there on how to deal with this together.

If she is avoidant attached and acknowledges that, then she may be up for working on the relationship together and seeing that you both have a part in this. I'm sure there's many relationship coaches that focus on this, and you could really benefit from a call with one, as a couple.

Then, you can use your current relationship for growth and it can last a long time.

If she's not willing to work on it, then you can still do your part to heal your attachment system, through therapy.

However, if she's truly avoidant and you would actually heal yourself towards a more secure attachment style, while she remains the same and doesn't work on it, then ultimately the relationship will probably not work out, because avoidants seek out anxious for a reason.

Avoidants end up with anxiously attached people because those are the only ones who will put up with their shit (becoming distant suddenly after moments of great connection, etc). No securely attached person will ultimately settle for that behavior.

So, if it's true that she's an avoidant and it's not just your projection, then you both will have to agree to heal simultaneously, through your individual therapy but also supporting each other and being incredibly patient.

In any case, what I would do is get a therapist who specializes in attachment, work with them, and hope for the best. It is for the best. It will either benefit your current relationship, or the next one.

@meadow what do you think?

Edited December 20, 2022 by flowboy

[Blackhawk]

15 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

@Aakash Vijayan That's completely insane. I feel jealous and anxious just from hearing that.

I would leave her before she cheats on you (maybe she already does it), or before she leaves you for someone else.

There's also several signs that she doesn't love you that much.

I wonder if she would be fine with you partying with girls and then sleeping with them. Um I don't think so. Not if she truly wants you.

But this is just my opinion.

Oh and also, why the hell doesn't she invite you to the party (borderlines to orgy party)?

She will cheat on you or leave you at any time. It will hurt less for you if you ditch her before it happens.

Edited December 20, 2022 by Blackhawk

[flowboy]

 

 

[Aakash Vijayan]

Thank you all for your replies. I spoke with another avoidant I mentioned with similiar dynics and I asked what her specific dynamics were and I realised they were real similiar. I just want to be with this person till a natural demise. Not looking for something long term. But all the advice all of you all gavee sounds very sound. 

 

But please I really do need multiple perspectives on this. So please do continue to post. Thank you soich for taking the time out to post your suggestions. I consider all of these with seriousness

[Aakash Vijayan]

@Blackhawk coz she's away for a course for 2 months at another place from my hometown

[flowboy]

Another thing I found helpful is to set boundaries, for what behavior (cuddling/kissing/partying with others) is okay with you.

And where you set the boundary, is where you can still be your best self.

So if she's doing something that is currently too much for you to handle, and you'll be all insecure and anxious all the time, that's not good, and you can ask her not to do that so that you can be reasonably chill.

Being anxious and in drama all the time is just not good for a relationship.

I know, because I'm currently still exploring my boundaries with that.

All of that is not to say that you can forbid her to do things. It's up to her to accept that or not. Maybe there's an incompatibility there, where she wants to be free and party and doesn't want to be patient with you. Maybe she does. Find out.

[Shane Hanlon]

Hey Aakash, Sorry you are feeling such a roller coaster of emotions. I have experienced something similar and it is not a fun time.

I am glad that you are so emotionally aware of what is going on though. It allows you to make a decision out of love and compassion even in the midst of such internal chaos.

 

My advice would be:

The first thing I'd say is to understand how important it is to prioritize your own well-being. No one else will make sure you are feeling safe and healthy. You must do this.

Secondly, I would say, out of love and compassion for your own well-being...

1.) Create strong clear boundaries with her. Make it known and clear that you feel unsafe in your relationship with her. Come up with boundaries that would make you feel safe and happy in the relationship. They could be "No hanging out with guys alone." or "No sleeping in the same bed with other guys." or anything that makes you feel safe. If she breaks these boundaries then you break up. They have to be strong. They have to be for your own well-being. They have to give you your joy and happiness back.

2.) Break up with her. Not because she is wrong or bad or anything. But simply because you will be happier not worrying about her all of the time. You can focus on your passions and the joy in your life. This will also give you the freedom to meet new people. There are others out there for you, if you look hard enough you will find them.

Again Aakash, sorry you are going through this. It is stressful, but I love you and wish you the best <3

[Aakash Vijayan]

@Shane Hanlon Thank you for your love and empathy. I'm touched by your reply. 

[A Fellow Lighter]

@Aakash Vijayan the thought of you needing therapy for this comes across ridiculous to me. 

I'm with @Blackhawk on this one. Clearly being with her is not making you happy. Break up with her. Find someone who will care about your feelings instead of treating this relationship like some sort of corporate contract. She needs to care about you as much as you care about her.

Plus, trust your intuition, bro. If you find her behaviour unsettling than chances are it's really not just in your head.

[Blackhawk]

1 hour ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

 

I'm with @Blackhawk on this one. Clearly being with her is not making you happy. Break up with her. Find someone who will care about your feelings instead of treating this relationship like some sort of corporate contract. She needs to care about you as much as you care about her.

Plus, trust your intuition, bro. If you find her behaviour unsettling than chances are it's really not just in your head.

@Aakash Vijayan My long-distance gf kinda dropped her male friends immediately after she knew how I felt, and I didn't even ask for it. That's how much she loves me and cares about my feelings.

Edited December 27, 2022 by Blackhawk

[Tyler Robinson]

6 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

@Aakash Vijayan My long-distance gf kinda dropped her male friends immediately after she knew how I felt, and I didn't even ask for it. That's how much she loves me and cares about my feelings.

I didn't know you had a gf. 

But you told me that you love me. 

 

[Blackhawk]

1 hour ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I didn't know you had a gf. 

But you told me that you love me. 

I don't love her that much, unfortunately.