A new level of sadness and hopelessness

[Blackhawk]

I have been depressed before but this is something else..

It feels like I'm getting pulled away from this world.

I'm really running out of strength.

[Roy]

What have you been doing lately? What does your average day look like?

[Blackhawk]

@Roy I work 4 nights per week. On my spare time during the work-week I just eat, sleep, masturbate, watch YouTube, browse the internet.

On my days off I do those things+play Second Life+drink.

[Roy]

Is there any way you can get some other shifts or change your schedule to days? I'm sure being up with the rest of the world would help your mood. I'm a nighthawk too and it can be peaceful, but I'll take days over evenings/nights every time.

[Tyler Robinson]

@Blackhawk you need a loyal girlfriend who will madly fall in love with you and be with you. 

Then you will rest. Your energy needs a partner. 

Sorry that's the truth. 

You have a love disorder. I suffer the same illness. 

People with love disorder usually talk the way you do because they lack a certain love in their lives. I'm aware of how you feel. 

Your heart, spirit and soul needs a peaceful place in the arms of your lover. But that's not possible because the world offers very little romantic love and people cheat all the time 

Hang in and hang on. Don't slip. You will be addicted to drinking and other things to compensate this deep need. But don't learn to love yourself, cultivate the essence of love in your life even if you don't get that romantic love. 

There's love in charity and in compassion. You can practice loving kindness meditation and give love to this world. 

You can adopt a dog and give your love to an animal. You need something someone to give love to. 

Till then you will be dissatisfied with life. Because you can't find that one thing you want to live for. 

Recognize this need and channel it into something that will help you feel like there is still love in life. 

People don't stay forever. But love stays forever. 

Love wins. 

 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Blackhawk]

4 hours ago, Roy said:

Is there any way you can get some other shifts or change your schedule to days? I'm sure being up with the rest of the world would help your mood. I'm a nighthawk too and it can be peaceful, but I'll take days over evenings/nights every time.

I think you are right, but no.. it would be hard to change to dayshift..

@Tyler Robinson Yes I need a loyal girlfriend. Thanks

[Roy]

16 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I think you are right, but no.. it would be hard to change to dayshift..

Hard, or not possible? If it would make a big shift (which I believe), it's worth trying for. The worst they can say is no, trust me.

Could you brainstorm some hobbies to replace the stuff you're bored with? Masturbating and youtube is fun, but it should be reserved to relaxation time, as in only a little bit every couple days.

Do you have enough time to get a 2nd job? Something casual to boost your income and give you more resources will help give you a sense of safety and accomplishment. Proving to yourself you can handle that part of your life will for sure give you more optimism about the future.

I think your strength is there, you just have a flawed perception of it.

[puporing]

On 19/12/2022 at 9:35 PM, Blackhawk said:

I have been depressed before but this is something else..

It feels like I'm getting pulled away from this world.

I'm really running out of strength.

I don't know what kind of medical system you have. But have you tried seeing a psychiatrist and getting a formal diagnosis? 

Edited December 21, 2022 by puporing

[Blackhawk]

On 2022-12-21 at 4:31 AM, Roy said:

Hard, or not possible? If it would make a big shift (which I believe), it's worth trying for. The worst they can say is no, trust me.

Could you brainstorm some hobbies to replace the stuff you're bored with? Masturbating and youtube is fun, but it should be reserved to relaxation time, as in only a little bit every couple days.

Do you have enough time to get a 2nd job? Something casual to boost your income and give you more resources will help give you a sense of safety and accomplishment. Proving to yourself you can handle that part of your life will for sure give you more optimism about the future.

I think your strength is there, you just have a flawed perception of it.

No.

On 2022-12-21 at 9:14 AM, puporing said:

I don't know what kind of medical system you have. But have you tried seeing a psychiatrist and getting a formal diagnosis? 

Waste of time and energy.

[Blackhawk]

I think I just got a insight.

Life is about not having what you want.

We all suffer from that.

And like a sign: when I wanted to come to the forum to write this, then of course I wasn't able to, because the forum was down.  See? I wanted something, but I couldn't have it. It was like Satan was mocking me/fucking with me, or maybe just to confirm my insight.

 

The most painful part about this is when I want a girl, but can't have her. And it also works the opposite way: girls who want me, I don't want them. It's so fucked up.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Blackhawk

[Tatyana]

5 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

Life is about not having what you want.

Or having what you want. Like, for example, I want my car rides to always be safe, efficient, and pleasant. When I get into a car, I always think what I want my ride to be like. And I always get it. Just one small example. Works with girls too

[FourCrossedWands]

You don't need to love someone else, you just need to love yourself, love your body.

Drinking and masturbating just depletes your life energy and makes you depressed and ill.

A couple of years ago. I wouldn't believe I could stop these two addictions. Yet I am now 100% alcohol and porn free.

[puporing]

16 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

No.

Waste of time and energy.

Hard to say for sure. Forum isn't the best place for getting help so I'm suggesting other options. Even if they don't understand the spiritual stuff or all of your struggles, there are people out there who are in the helping profession and try to support you/meet you where you're at (over here we do have some publicly funded therapists as well as psychiatrists which I now prefer over private counselling ones).

For me personally, a kind of cloud was lifted when I got a formal diagnosis recently. I'm still not sure about meds but I'm cautious about trying them to take the edge off. I'm sharing coz I can relate to some of what you're saying like not feeling really here anymore. I've read some anecdotal reports on people's opinions/experiences on meds and spiritual access and it seems like for some it helped them, and at the end of the day it's up to you to see if the "pros" outweigh the "cons" with such assistance. I think a big part of the reason my "symptoms" got worse lately was because I became even more sensitive due to spiritual work and sensing more energies around me/being more vulnerable to any "toxicities", sadly mostly it's been very heavy and hard on the body (manifesting as a kind of physical dread/pain) to feel what I feel all day so I needed some help.

Anyway, I understand if you're not receptive to this message right now, but I'm just planting some seeds. I had the fortune of being referred/encouraged by a private counselor as I had doubts about that too, and so far it's been helpful but you might have an entirely different experience.

Edited December 29, 2022 by puporing

[vladorion]

Have you tried therapy? If yes, what modalities?

[Blackhawk]

Oh God..

People are still giving the same useless advice..

I already heard all those things like 13 years ago or something.

But don't take it personally.

 

What a sad reality we live in. Everyone are the same, all girls dislike me, all people give the same useless advice, nothing ever changes, there is no hope whatsoever.

[Blackhawk]

The only one who came with good advice was Tyler Robinson earlier in the thread.

But of course the problem is that I can't get a partner. So there is no solution to my problem. I really don't want to live.

[FourCrossedWands]

Useless advice? All right maybe you should go to war and get killed like some 18 year olds do. Still more beneficial than suicide. Better? ?

[Blackhawk]

16 hours ago, FourCrossedWands said:

Useless advice? All right maybe you should go to war and get killed like some 18 year olds do. Still more beneficial than suicide. Better? ?

Yes, better.

[WalterM]

On 31/12/2022 at 4:10 AM, Blackhawk said:

Oh God..

People are still giving the same useless advice.

I already heard all those things like 13 years ago or something.

But don't take it personally.

Often the blatant advices work, we just have to start acting on them. There's no magic solution.

Therapy and changing some of your habits really seem like the best first steps.

I have depression, and talking to a therapist and practicing any kind of physical activity regularly really help to get my mental health in order.