Anxious Preoccupied Male

[Aakash Vijayan]

Hey so I have a Fearful Avoidant Girlfriend and have been in a relationship with her for 7 months. Despite having this attachment style I've tried my level best to not act out in the typical way of my attachment style and always respected her space and freedom. But lately my anxiety has been on hyperdrive and been feeling like I'm not loved or wanted or not a priority to this person. Currently she's away in another city pursuing a 2 month course and I feel extremely jealous when she has fun with male and female friends. I end up feeling like I can't provide that kind of stimulation for her myself etc. I have no friends and have been actively trying to "get a life" and start trying to have a social life. I have started therapy.     On to my question. So in a non confrontational manner I mentioned to her what's been bothering me and and I wanted some emotional closeness etc. She listened to it patiently. But then I asked her if she thought I was emotionally weak or if she has lost respect for me just because I brought this up and communicated to her and she said no. But I can't help feeling that she has lost attraction for me and that I am not a masculine man because I am of this energy. Masculine people are usually stoic and emotionally grounded and I currently am not this things. Am I not masculine for bringing this conversation up and mentioning my needs and struggles? Eager for a male perspective here. You can be blunt yet compassionate. Thank you

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Establish intimacy with your gf through regular communication 

[Ulax]

@Aakash Vijayan Hey dude, I think you have some great beginnings of self awareness, with regards to understanding your and your girlfriends attachment style.

To my understanding, fearful avoidant attachment styles are otherwise known as disorganised attachment styles, and are often the most traumatised attachment style. So, my understanding is that it will likely cause repeated complications in the relational dynamic between you, especially as you do not have a secure attachment as well. My understanding is that there will be a lot of push-pull dynamics at play, which can be rather confusing. So, I would imagine masculinity is not the key theme to focus on here atm but the attachment dynamics that are at play. Also, imo, a lot of masculinity is really in the avoidant attachment style territory which isn't the healthiest either, secure attachment is the holy grail.

I think going to therapy is great. However, I think its important to get into some depth psychotherapy (I.e. internal family systems therapy, or psychodynamic therapy), if youre not already in it, to get your attachment style closer to and eventually into the secure category. I don't think something like CBT or mindfulness is going to help all that much with changing your attachment style.

I'd also see if your gf is doing any deep inner work of her own, i.e. depth psychotherapy. Again with her i don't think something like cbt or meditation is going to be all that helpful. Imo, deep inner work is going to be needed for her to work through her traumas and get her into a healthier relational dynamic, i.e. into avoidant/ anxious attachment style and then into secure. If she isn't doing that, then I think you gotta ask yourself the question of whether you are prepared to deal with the relational dynamics of someone with a disorganised attachment style.

Also, I think the book 'Non Violent communication' could be a useful book for understanding a higher consciousness way of communicating with each other. I recommend checking it out and seeing if its something your both interested.

Edited December 17, 2022 by Ulax

[Aakash Vijayan]

@Ulax Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes avoidant types like my girlfriend are very averse to therapy. They believe they're psychologically independent af. To be frank I'm very jealous of that and I wish I possessed that quality too. I regret not handling my life well and working on poor self esteem and neediness and on my passions and social life. So I'm definitely coming from a place of lack and I know the repercussions of that. So I'm working on myself hard. But now with this anxiety in the picture it consumes me and I cant place my mind on any other aspect of my life. I'm also working a slightly minimum wage job and don't have much going on. I feel like she'll get attracted to someone who's more grounded and provide her with the kind of novelty that she's like. How do I get over this feeling? The anxiety sometimes takes over me. I feel not masculine at all and I want to fix it 

[Aakash Vijayan]

@Tyler Robinson I will try to. But the fearful Avoidant types well sometimes avoid deep emotional stuff coz they have the fear of being trapped and a sense of loss of freedom. Am I less of a man for communicating the way I have?

[Ulax]

1 minute ago, Aakash Vijayan said:

@Ulax Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes avoidant types like my girlfriend are very averse to therapy. They believe they're psychologically independent af. To be frank I'm very jealous of that and I wish I possessed that quality too. I regret not handling my life well and working on poor self esteem and neediness and on my passions and social life. So I'm definitely coming from a place of lack and I know the repercussions of that. So I'm working on myself hard. But now with this anxiety in the picture it consumes me and I cant place my mind on any other aspect of my life. I'm also working a slightly minimum wage job and don't have much going on. I feel like she'll get attracted to someone who's more grounded and provide her with the kind of novelty that she's like. How do I get over this feeling? The anxiety sometimes takes over me. I feel not masculine at all and I want to fix it 

@Aakash Vijayan You're welcome mate.

I note you said your gf is avoidant in this comment and that she is 'fearful avoidant' in your original post. I believe they are quite different in their relationships. I think it might be worth clarifying what her specific style is.

I think i understand that your finding the anxiety is causing quite a bit of stress in your life.

My advice for getting over that feeling would be to do deeper inner work like depth psychotherapy. Also, imo, something you can do at home is exercises from the book '6 pillars of self esteem'.

 

[Aakash Vijayan]

@Ulax You're right about the excercise. I've owned a copy and read it multiple times and never did the excercise. I do have an unhealthy habit of hoarding theory but not putting it into practice. What I meant by avoidant is getting triggered into the avoidant side of the fearful avoidant style. 

[Tyler Robinson]

You have to understand male containment. Read Teal Swan on male containment. 

A woman with fearful attachment style is probably traumatized. Their trust levels are significantly lower(than other females and the rest of the population) . 

They're very complicated to deal with. They hide their scars out of shame. They are wounded people. 

To have a proper relationship with them is going to be a 24/7 job. This does not mean that you can't be happy with them. But you have to put in extra hard work to reach a happy state with them. They will not express themselves openly. You will have to be extremely extremely extremely gentle with your communication with them and significantly lower your own inhibition and biases. Be extremely non judgemental with them. Cultivate trust. Extreme trust. You have to keep a solid bond. 

Such a relationship comes with huge responsibility. Since you cultivate such an enormously solid bond with that woman, you are automatically placed with the moral responsibility of not betraying the person or abusing this trust in any way. Not following this obligation can actually drive that person suicidal or insane because they are going to be totally dependent on you. 

They are going to be like emotional parasites and for you it will be an exhausting experience. But since you sign on the dotted line, you must take full responsibility going into a relationship with such a person. 

You have to be somewhat of a therapist along with being a partner to such people. If you aren't fully ready for such risk, then politely leave them. 

These are emotionally broken individuals. They are fearful, paranoid and neurotic. Either you help them all the way or simply leave them to their condition to deal on their own. But don't break trust and leave midway. It will do them more harm. 

A lot of men are attracted to broken emotional women. For valid reasons. It gives a sense of heroism and purpose to a man. It activates the man's saviour or protector instinct. 

Actually most men aren't able to handle such women but they find them very attractive. It does the woman disservice. She feels trapped because she is not getting what she exactly wants and yet she can't leave a guy she is addicted to 

My advice is that if there is no harmony in the relationship, it's best to leave, such relationships don't serve anyone and does the woman a lot of harm. 

Either put a ton of hard work in establishing proper communication with her or just dump her so that she can be liberated from the mess. 

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[mr_engineer]

Teal Swan is the woman you should watch. She is an expert on this stuff. 

Her completion-process is the best when it comes to inner-child work and trauma-work. Which is something you should be doing if you're facing this situation. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by mr_engineer

[Aakash Vijayan]

I had a conversation with this about her and I haven't asked her to change. But sheentioned something that triggered me. She said she was out with her female and male friends and they hug and kiss each other on the cheeks and even sleep on the same bed. But to her loyalty is mental and that she is loyal to me. Part of me is triggered and part of me feels I should be okay with that. She says she's happy with the way things are going in this semi committed way and so far she hasn't lost her attraction for me. But if I keep asking her for reassurances then she will surely leave me. She says I'm a priority for her after her parents and a couple of her best friends but with my anxious attachment style it feels like she's my priority. I can't focus on my passions and work because of this and I feel I can keep her around by not telling her all this and seeing if I can work on myself individually. Any advice would be helpful guys

Edited December 18, 2022 by Aakash Vijayan

[Aakash Vijayan]

I come from a small town and from a place of emotional and sexual scarcity 

[something_else]

3 hours ago, Aakash Vijayan said:

But to her loyalty is mental and that she is loyal to me

What did she mean by that?

[Aakash Vijayan]

She says that she clearly know her boundaries. She knows when someone touches her intimately or if someone is being friendly/ sibling like. If she feels the intention is pure then she has no issue