I'm feeling suicidal

[Tyler Robinson]

It's my father's death anniversary. I'm dealing with a lot in my fucking life. I can't handle internet abuse. I'm serious I'm going to end my life. I like journaling. I don't like intrusion. It impacts me mentally. The journaling helps me heal mentally everyday and that's why I do it. I am severely mentally ill. I'm very depressed. The journaling acts as a therapy for me. 

I simply cannot deal with cyberbullying. I'm seriously going to kill myself because I have no other solution other than journaling my troubles and seek relief. 

The people who run this website don't understand how important this is for mentally ill people like me.. 

I'm terribly frustrated with this website's policy that doesn't allow any privacy to journal. Anybody can comment in journals and it drives me nuts. Because for people like me, intrusion impacts us mentally. We like to be left alone 

 

I'm Hyper sensitive for fucks sake. I am paranoid 24/7 that somebody will comment on my journal. It makes me uncomfortable to the point of suicide. I'm not like other people. And I hate how this sensitivity is constantly being preyed on. 

Why can't this website stop people from commenting on journals and make journals inaccessible to Commenters. Why isn't the owner of the website doing something? 

It is a huge frustration for me because I use the journaling mainly for my trauma therapy and I cannot afford someone intruding in it

It drives me insane with fear, anxiety and insecurity, distress. 

Last 2 days I've been crying all day long feeling paranoid that someone will try to abuse me in my journals. When repeated disclaimers are given to not comment. Why is this never taken seriously? 

This was the only place that made me feel safe. And I constantly feel my space being invaded 

I want this website to really do something seriously about this. I'm going insane with paranoid fear. 

I have anxiety and panic disorder. I go into panic mode and panic attacks when I see a comment in my journal. 

And there are other users who feel similar ways. 

This has to stop. I've been fighting against this for so long. 

This website encourages cyberbullying of vulnerable people. I'm also planning to leave the forum and just stick to journals because I can't take this blatant abuse anymore. 

I'm seriously tired and suicidal. 

I'm begging for help. Mods and Leo have to do something about this 

 I'm sick of feeling fear/anxiety all the time. 

 

[Eyowey]

16 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I'm sick of feeling fear/anxiety all the time.

You might want to quit caffeine if you haven't already. Without caffeine you can sleep like a corpse every day and wake up. The best of both worlds. Sleep is like death but less permanent. 

 

[Someone here]

@Tyler Robinson hi .I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it's terrible. Let me try to shed some light on your situation so that you have an idea what's going on.

The reason you are having a lot of negative thoughts is because your mind is idle.

The reason your mind is idle is because you don't have energy to do anything.

The reason you don't have energy to do anything is because you are channeling the bulk of your energy into suppressing your emotions, as a result of your negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts -> negative emotions -> use energy to suppress emotions -> no energy to do anything else -> mind is idle -> more negative thoughts

The fear that you will not be normal is one such negative thought. It's all connected, but it can be hard to see when you're in the thick of it. It's all one big haze, one neverending cloud of darkness.

The first thing to realise is that you cannot trust your own thoughts.

That's scary, I know.

But when you're in the midst of a depressive episode, you cannot trust your own mind. That means some of the things that your mind thinks are real, some are not, and you are unable to differentiate which is which.

In such times when you can't even trust your own mind, who can you trust?

your parents

your best friends

your therapist

Pick one or two, and trust that person’s words over your own, against your better judgement because during these times, your judgement is impaired.

The second thing to do is to reduce the number of thoughts that come to mind. Remember, the reason you have so many is because your mind is idle. Give your mind something to do.

I highly encourage going out into the sun and doing some vigorous exercise. Sunlight and exercise and great ways to lift the cloud of darkness around you, for physiological reasons.

Also try serious meditation retreats .or just meditation I'm home . Can make you feel present and in touch with the real world .

Call a suicide prevention hotline ASAP if you feel you can't take it anymore. 

I hope others will give you something useful if mine wasn't useful for you .

Can't much comment on the journal thing .because I'm not part of the staff here. 

I wish you to live a long happy life with peace in your heart . I hope you get better soon .

[Tyler Robinson]

Just now, Eyowey said:

You might want to quit caffeine if you haven't already. Without caffeine you can sleep like a corpse every day and wake up. The best of both worlds. Sleep is like death but less permanent. 

 

I quit caffeine months ago 

My problem is social anxiety. 

And I become Hyper anxious when someone tries to talk to me who I do not wish to talk to. 

I become avoidant and paranoid and feel intruded on. I feel like someone is watching me. It drives me sick with fear. 

I don't like this feeling that someone is obsessed with me when they enter my private world. 

I feel stalked and then I feel like ending my life 

 

I have fucking trauma.. Why doesn't someone understand that traumatized people need care, empathy and space and like to be left alone. 

 

[thepixelmonk]

Why not simply use a private journal?

[Tyler Robinson]

@Judy2 I don't like private journaling because I feel like I am talking to a wall and it makes the whole journaling useless to me.. No healing happens. I don't feel like I vented. I feel like I simply wrote words on paper, it doesn't impact my emotions at all. Private journaling makes me uncomfortable, it gives me the opposite feeling as though I have suppressed/repressed my emotions instead of expressed. 

But when I do public journaling, it gives me an illusion that I'm putting my feelings out there for the world and it actually feels like venting and healing, as though I spoke loud about my troubles and feelings, it feels like I put it out there and I feel like someone heard me, the world heard me, I don't feel repressed/suppressed, I feel like I expressed and got it off my chest and then I begin to feel better. 

Private journaling makes me feel anxious, stressed out and suppressed. 

Because my trauma is mainly related to repression of feelings 

So the more I do public expression the better I feel. 

The downside is that it allows people to pick on me and pick me apart and use my personal details to bully me. The right kind of people who are empathetic understand and don't interfere. The abusive people, they take advantage of this and try to prey on my weaknesses when I want space. I only want to be heard. I don't want to be told because it instantly creates fear in me. It's like a psychologist who is constantly arguing with you instead of patiently listening. This will generate fear response instead of relief 

 

I don't like the feeling that someone is keeping a tab on what I'm writing. I feel spied and stalked. I want to feel heard without anyone interfering into my world. 

It's just a small thing that this website can do is to afford some privacy to journalers. 

 

Just Leo or mods announcing that nobody should comment on journals will be such a huge favor for those who want to feel peace while journaling. I don't know why this is such a big deal. 

It's ridiculous that they can't make such a small change for the benefit of mentally ill people. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I'm seriously tired of how nobody gives a fuck about mentally ill people here

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

50 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

if the mods know that you are struggling so much, maybe they can agree to simply remove all the intrusive comments you report without it being that big of a deal every single time?

This is good idea. Since we cannot stop someone from commenting, we can simply request to remove any Intrusive comments from journals. That's that much relief. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Judy2 no I don't have anyone. My family is extremely abusive. That's why I come online. I have zero friends because nobody has time to listen to someone's trauma 24/7.

Even therapists get tired and most therapists are useless anyway. Plus I'm autistic and anxious. So I never feel comfortable enough to open up to a therapist. I just shut down and become completely blank in front of therapists. 

My only solution is to write down my thoughts and feelings, that's the only time I'm not feeling stressed out or anxious and that's the reason why I need journaling so badly, especially public journaling. 

I'm protected from degrading mentally when I journal.. 

My family is worried that I'll commit suicide at some point. Although they are not going to do anything about it because they don't really give a damn. They think of me as a loser 

They just pretend like they care. They are abusive too. 

So I'm left with little option. 

Today I felt like cutting myself. I even feel like killing some people on this forum because they are driving me so insane. I feel like snatching the keyboard from them because they are abusive and misuse their freedom to type online to abuse vulnerable people like me who feel helpless in stopping them

I feel like there should be a cyber bullying crime center on the internet. Because people with abusive families come online to seek help and feel better. And these abusive sharks are sitting everywhere to prey on vulnerable people by bullying them constantly. They know that they are able to get away with it. That drives me mad with anger. Because they can use words to hurt others but nothing will happen to them, they will never have to face consequences. The internet will never be a safe place 

I wish there was an online center where you could complain about such online abuse and they would quickly disconnect the internet of such trolls and abusers so that they won't be able to misuse their freedoms and privileges to abuse others freely. 

If you walk into a park and if someone verbally or physically assaults you, you can immediately call the cops and get the person arrested. I don't know why this can't be done online. Why online abuse is simply neglected? 

You know how many people kill themselves every year due to cyber bullying.

Nothing will ever be done about it unless more and more people die out of frustration and suffering. 

Then maybe someday people will wake up and there will be stricter measures and policies on internet protocol and finally maybe something serious will happen and we will actually be able to deal with online abuse/harassment and put an end to it. Till then many people will have to commit suicide for some awareness to actually spread and knock sense into people that any kind of abuse is abuse, offline or online. And it's not simple as logging off. The internet resources are needed especially for vulnerable people but abusers get there first and start preying. 

I wish there were safer websites that took online bullying very seriously and put measures so nobody can get away with using their keyboard anyhow they want. 

This website is definitely not one of those. 

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[John Paul]

Here’s the cold truth for you @Tyler Robinson :

nobody in the world gives a rat’s ass about our mental illness. It hurts but it’s just true. This message is about the most anyone could offer you. 

You have to be the one to dig deep and hang on. Just keep hanging on and find a way through life. You can do it. I’m right here with you thinking about doing horrible things right now.

[Tyler Robinson]

@Judy2 when I say I feel nervous tension, these are the kind of conversations that are driving me anxious. 

These kind of persistent aggressive behavior from some users who don't stop despite frequently requesting. They have zero respect for others boundaries. And keep defending themselves endlessly. 

Watch the conversation. 

 

[Thought Art]

Hey Tyler, 

 

Writing out our thoughts is beautiful and healing. I believe we should journal everyday as It can help us gain clarity. Taking time to play some relaxing music, sitting down with an e-ink tablet or journal to just write out my thoughts. When I journal in my reMarkable tablet I can write whatever I want and I feel safe to explore my own mind. I can create documents, lists, archives, plans, ideas, poems, contemplations, anything I want without anyone bothering me. It’s important to have a contemplation space where no one else can possibly bother you. Still engage on the forum. But, plant that seed of having your own commonplace book to contemplate in. I think that will help you. 
 

Then, also learning to just lay down away from the screen and relaxing your entire body laying down. That can help. Eat well and get rested. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by Thought Art

[Tyler Robinson]

@Thought Art my problem is not about resting. 

My problem is that I just don't wish to be bothered on this forum, especially in my journal. 

That is all I request for. Thanks. 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Tahuti said:

Call me. I am serious. 

Do not post your number. It is against forum guidelines. 

And please stop stalking me. I don't like talking to you you are the reason I made the thread. 

You have zero empathy for me. You are driving me insane with anxiety. 

Leave me alone please. I'm feeling stalked. 

I don't want to talk to you. 

 

[Thought Art]

@Tyler Robinson Hi Tyler, 

You are wanting an entire public forum to not engage with your journals. This is a public space. I think it’s unfortunate people comment in them. But you can’t control them. If you want a personal journal… you should just learn to keep a personal journal. Then, no one will bother you. 
 

what can you do to start feeling better? What do you enjoy doing in life? Why does this forum feel so important to you? Are you willing to change to feel better? Are you willing to see the possibility of creating some healthy distance between you and the forum? Can you see how that would give you a greater sense of being grounded?

Edited December 18, 2022 by Thought Art

[Tyler Robinson]

3 minutes ago, Tahuti said:

And I will do anything you wish.

The only thing I wish is that you should stop communicating with me on the forum and you're not doing that. You are not giving me that assurance. 

That is making me feel threatened. 

You're not having good intentions towards me.. 

You're constantly gaslighting me. This is psychological abuse.. 

You're purposely playing games with my mind. Leave me 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@Tyler Robinson Hi Tyler, 

You are wanting an entire public forum to not engage with your journals. This is a public space. I think it’s unfortunate people comment in them. But you can’t control them. If you want a personal journal… you should just learn to keep a personal journal. Then, no one will bother you. 
 

what can you do to start feeling better? What do you enjoy doing in life? Why does this forum feel so important to you?

I'm not having a problem with the entire forum as most people are empathetic, they care, they listen, they understand and then they immediately leave when requested. 

It's some stubborn persistent users whose behavior is very alarming and obsessive. 

Any normal human being might feel anxious by such obsession. Even normal folks complain about stalking. 

Here I'm mentally ill, obviously I'm going to feel much more panicky than normal folks.

This is a spiritual forum. Spiritual folks are expected to show empathy and care. 

That's why I come here. I don't have problems with 99% of the people, just few users who I feel like are being very aggressive and insensitive to me. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

5 minutes ago, Tahuti said:

1. I have made no threats

2. I write counter-arguments.

3. I am told to never respond to her. That is impossible. I will not comment on her journals but live-threads, it's fair-game.

4. Please call her and help her to understand your policies. Thank you.

It's one thing to argue with someone or make counter arguments and it's completely different to constantly follow a person's every post and keep sending negativity and moral judgement their way. 

The forum guidelines also does not allow constant criticism. Remember that. 

You're engaging in constant destructive criticism and it's impacting me mentally. 

You're not acting normal. Why am I not complaining about others? Why only you? 

Please reflect on your behavior. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Tahuti I'm not asking you to leave the forum. You can enjoy talking to others. Just leave me out. Thanks. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

4 minutes ago, Tahuti said:

Doesn't matter anymore. This account is deleted now ;). Hope you are happy. I am gone forever with actualized.org or anything related to it.

 

Hope you all awaken!

 Doesn't matter anymore. This account is deleted now . Hope you are happy.  I am gone forever with actualized.org or anything related to it.

Hope you all awaken!

Please stop with the emotional blackmail 

 

I only asked you to leave me alone. I did not ask you to leave the forum. 

This is where I said I have a problem with your communication. You're constantly engaging in some form of psychological manipulative behavior to set me up and make me look like a bad person. 

That's what is making me anxious. 

You don't speak from good faith and cry victim when I raise a genuine concern 

The level of emotional aggression you're displaying towards me is just tremendously high and I can't handle it. 

Your behavior is out of line and abnormal. 

 

You need psychological help. Please seek treatment. I wish you the best. 

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson