Toxic & Narcissistic Zoomers In University Classes & Culture Of Narcissists

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't like posting about this, although I've experienced tremendous growth it's still not easy for me to walk the path of personal development. When I meet Zoomers younger generation people they behave very ignorant and are very narcisstic in terms of their demands and projections. 

https://paminy.com/book-summary-surrounded-narcissists-effectively-recognize-avoid-defend-toxic-lose-mind/

I left class today again, as I could not sit there and when I interact with them I become so distracted and a lot of these interests in Kanye West and Andrew Tate seemingly and pop-culture as well as the homogenous aspect of them makes it difficult. Also with many immigrants from other countries I have never been treated so disrespectfully from immigrants and first-third generation people, in a while it's abnormal. It's like when I focus on what I really want and don't deny my needs I long for a less biased and ethnocentric social discourse, yet people like Andrew Tate & Kanye West do not make it easy for me as a person of color in a country where the idea of people of color does not even really exists, within the social spectrum very much. This is Germany, a lot of gaslighting in a social/racial construct is happening and I notice how excessive this has become to simply blame others and a culture of compassion is missing, as it's just narcissist.

For others it's fun and for me I don't have a reference experience.  

It's almost like I can't attend a single class and have to study from home, I have never been so sensetive, yet a lot of personal development work has opened up my emotions and feeling body, and often others say to me it's intense. I feel like the Professors have my back besides my chinese teacher and it's good to know and feel that through indirect gestures and such. I just have issues in relationships when it comes to connecting, as I have thanks to an injury as well as thanks to a larger scare issues connection to my whole body at times. 

A lot of young people and I am also still very young ask me do and say to me the following things:

• You are handsome and good-looking.
• I like you and you are sympathic
• Where are you from? 
• You are so smart( toxic)
• You're memory is so bad (toxic) 
• Why don't you remember x topic I said t you (toxic)
• Blame and complain with me about stuff where I think we could also just be more positive
• Are scared of me and don't interact at all and just have this scared look on their face
• Create an outgroup dynamic and shun me out as I am more mysterious and secretive apparently
• Give slight remakres about IQ either stupid or very high
• Ask me about my IQ and intelligence and either or question it - either very high or very low and binary questioning
• Give me remarks as if I am not attentive and stuff like this 
• Talk briefly and go back to their in-group
• I get a message about my jawline looking like the guy who bullied me here on actualized.org
• A guy legit catcalled me 
• Total ignorance and color blindness we are all the same
• Very superficial statements I could dress even cleaner and I would get billions of compliments and women, simply because of status
• Toxic feminity because I look very masculine and my body language must seem very masculine with this I mean negative energy, toxicity a lot of starring, manipulation attempts from medicore looking women with emotional wounds I have. 
• Overprojecting of skills and super masculine almost hostile traits like I speak 10 languages & I am aggressive and creative. 

I found ways to meet new people as there are a lot more events and I changed my schedule as I do have an authentic desire to get to know other human beigns. I also love and like science which has been repressed in my family and I still have issues talking about science without beign moralistic and judgemental as I see their bullshit also sort of.

I can stay at home of course and study, as these in-group&out-group dynmaics are often very toxic and the ones who are more clean are also often individuals. I can often see some of them are drug addicted as well as take a lot of drugs and then blame it on the person who is black, and become stereotypical in their body language etc. I feel gaslight by my chinese teacher as she questions my memory and acts like my mother does in terms of gaslighting.

I am just unsure who to even call human and interact with as so many are narccisitc and bad conversationalists. It's like Yes, but yata yata yatal. Next time again Yes, but yata yata yata. 

What can I do to deal with this I keep with a society that becomes more narccistic? I started to value hardwork and I get bad looks for questions that are seemingly, obvious yet these students also can't answer properly. I feel like Richard Feynman with a higher IQ. Again a professor made a compliment that I am intelligent and hardworking even when I don't have the scientific background as deeply as others I am learning a lot. 

It's like I am angry and somehow thanks to me beign so sensetive and having VGP a lot of people pick up on my emotions positively and or negatively and it's very painful to deal with such a unique experience, it's like I have 10 years of foresight and I am still blocked by all of this emotional encumbrance of affecting others. I can see it positively and see the silver-lining.

It's just abnormal how hard especially people who are not from larger countries can project stereotypes. I feel like it's 100 if not 200x harder for me to exist, especially as there is not a single black community here. Just turkish and arabic.

Online-classes are way way better for me to not be pulled into this toxic cycle of good guy/good girl because you are black and angry you are not good subconscious processing from NPC's it's just unfun at times. 

Any discussion around this and solutions? People somehow seem to like me and give positive energy when I accept it they become sort of gaslighting I am just baffled at times at how ignorant they are. My life purpose also involves trauma a lot I've noticed and I found ways to deal with it for me this is also financially super, I have a lot more internal feelings of freedoom and lucidity, when I have money in my bank account aswell as when I just see numbers even during mathematical classes. I just feel free, I don't know why. 

What can I do it's not easy to get into healing and it's not easy to find time to do it actively with a busy schedule, and it's a back and forth with priorities and my life purpose, which is impacting others with the highest level of consciouness possible and also through my work with aritifical intelligence. 
I've been gaslight around the topics of mathematics a lot even though I was quiet good at it, sure I get a lot of it in terms of just asking for some validity, yet a lot of these things I questioned since I was very little. What is even intelligence? What is nature? In a more philosophical manner etc. Not having answers hurts and having phyiscal injuries hurts, also beign very conformists hurts my core, I don't have anything against a conservative approach, yet I notice a lot of toxic backlash mostly from very right-winged and very-left winged people. 

My entire physiology is different I would love to have a scientist even research my genetics, I frankly don't even care that much, it's just my body my brain my existence is so different. It's not easy for me to be around others who don't have integrity etc as well as where I feel robbed of mental health. I focus on healthy topics and perspectives as well as possible, yet socializing with zoomers, I would basically just talk flattery and ask them about very superficial things, it's fun I just notice how unfair the projection of beign black.beign framed from minorities as a minority and even the lower minority! As disgusting, I've never been so disgusted at how harsh these gaslighting experiences are.
It's like I am not allowed to feel myself, I am very careful of who I let into my life and who I am hanging out with, if I get bad as well as fearful vibes I will not interact with the person. I loose precious study time as I don't find someone to interact with only one person so far and I have a lot of stuff to learn. 

It's so painful to get to know others and be happy for them as they don't have any health issues mostly it's not cool. Beign highly-open and "conservatice/hardworking" seems to be for many a counter-balance, as well a a lot of narccisitc traits come up when I interact with some people. Any ideas on what to do and implement for this? I found some people yet when I feel into my body I notice the culture of narccism blocking topics such as vulnerabillity and compassion, which fosters strength and self-love as well as resilliances which are key parts of success. 

I've started saying random stuff openly, as I find it crazy how others are behaving around me I can practically only focus when I am at home listening to music and feel myself authentically, the professors are great, the issue is the other students are so narccistic it causes a lot of pressure. I thought about writting an apology to the professor as he really does care and helps a lot and explains a lot. 

It's just a lot of this masculine right-wing ideas are toxic, I study the best alone even when it's painful and no system was ever design for me I notice. I love to study things in depth! Ironically.... a lot of good things keep happening I just notice this and I feel a lot of sensetivity around this subject and I get a lot of backlash of just beign in the process of integration and sometimes not having the proper perception. It's like I have frenemies all over when I am a bit more systemically critical about aspects I've studied a bit, and I feel this myopia of academia, where I get a lot of blue/red projections. Like I am forced to be a systemetized rebel almost.

When I get to the root cause of these feelings a lot of traumatic memory is evoked from childhood upbrigning etc. and I first can take shamanic breathing sessions in February/March this year. Taking care of mental health is not easy. It's often insecure people attacking secure and healthy self-esteem and abusing compassion from me, and the over-externalization and lack of going inside etc. To learn and reflect etc. Any thoughts, sorry for the long post, I wanted to get this of my chest as I am sick of the identity hidding and not expressing and games a lot of "bi-racial" people play with culture and mannerism, while I am very authentic about it. 

Any ideas and similar compliments & experiences with narcism in our current culture? How to deal with dreamkillers?

 

Edited December 14, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[Nilsi]

If you can't beat em, join em.

[How to be wise]

@ValiantSalvatore Take ownership for your happiness. If you rely on the perfect external conditions to be happy, you’ll never be happy. I recommend doing the work of Byron Katie, and reading her book ‘Loving What Is’. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

46 minutes ago, blueberries said:

From what I understand, your core issue is that you can't connect with anyone around you and you're losing touch with your authentic self due to a mixture of:

• Your race
• Your physical disabilities
• Some people seeing you as very clever and others seeing you as very stupid
• The system of academia not suiting you
• Others having toxic backlash against left-wing or right-wing ideas instead of feeling the full picture
• Everyone else wanting small talk instead of in-depth conversations
• A lack of compassion from others

Which is making you feel gaslit and your mental health is suffering.

Yes, this is true, although race is a social invention even technical if it's account for that 99.9% of human genom is identical as far as I know and even between species there exists a larger variation in genom expression as between two individuals of different as far as I know. The system of academia is fine, it's mostly students and individuals ironically it's not the professor it's more the culture of the students that does not suit me and would give me a to strong liberal vibe. It's a social construct. Most don't realize that and enforce this identity also, of course you can research the 0.01% of differences. 
I never met a system that suited me tbh, the more chaotic it is usually the more I feel at home, when it's very structured and ordered it's fine as long as there is no strict punishment and reward incentive. The in-depth conversation is mostly over their head, and not many are interested in spiral dynamics/psychdelics/meditation. I've attempted before I lost all friends not a single one remains. It's just interest in technical minuta, which is not wrong, yet very rigid and slow& most likely does not even get the work done...

I often feel gaslit around the topic of compassion as I feel helpless at times and I prefer asking for help and not beign helped because I am seen as a minority, when I basically have a double citizenship from America&Germany, which makes this idea so cognitive dissonant to me. That I often start to dominate. I often feel like I have to shuff my d*ck down their throat to express myself a bit violently, so they realize I don't and I can't perceive them as higher as me, just based on how most people even perceive the "hierachy" of countries and origin of birth. I've found this laughable, although this social ranking is quiet real. This is also observable in animals. 

Imagine I meditate and erase thoughts and ideas that include race/nation, yet spiral dynamics for sure is a spiral upwards and downwards, I feel like I am being taken for granted and I can't relate to American culture as there are no Americans here, and I feel a larger "full picture" feeling when considering issues and problems that stem from America and not specifically Germany, I hate most Germans quiet frankly because of how "discriminatory" their public&private discourse can be and I've witnessed this first-hand. 

I am more happy with superficial relationships and brief and small very superficial interactions as most can't fathom the depth anymore some can, and I can intutively spot it although most then resits getting to know mentioned topics above, so I am stuck at the "fun house". What are we doing where are we going? 

I just feel a lot and especially lower stages of development of minorities projecting their issues onto "black alone solo individuals" while a white guy when he is alone will be completely left alone, there is 0 awareness about collective projections and issues. Making social cohesion very difficult. 

39 minutes ago, Nilsi said:

If you can't beat em, join em.

I did I became majorly depressed and I feel heavily gaslit, I also find it difficult to relate because of eurocentric classism and the steady references to occupation/abillity/skill there is no proper small talk, I swear I would even talk about the weather. After doing PD for like 7 years now I have a lot of influence and I know how to get what I want mostly, of course there are failures and feedback. It's the mental health and physical health that is suffering and also a lot of self-sabotage. I general keep of people who are overly toxic and instantly give me a bad vibe. If I join them I feel like I loose close to 99.9% of my integrity some are okay, it's more like we both meet talk about our worlds and go. That is all I can due to not suffer to immensely from this gasliting super homogenous stereotypes and seeing these as determinism.

Some are more open, yet it's only the digital space that allows for this online classes are awesome, in-person classes are hell practically with all of the amount of stereotype projection etc. and having no other black fellow students. I don't get my needs meet of love&belongingness very well besides hanging out in online chatrooms and occasionally visitng a class. 

In more international classes I feel better usually. There is only so much I can do. At one point I don't know I just want to get my studies done and move to America at this point, I frankly dislike Europe and I can't relate to this culture at all and I find it disturbing very disturbing at times, because of social ranking and 0 awareness around black culture that fits also with American history etc. 

I can't even properly talk about it as there is 0 interest. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

@How to be wise 

18 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

Take ownership for your happiness. If you rely on the perfect external conditions to be happy, you’ll never be happy. I recommend doing the work of Byron Katie, and reading her book ‘Loving What Is’. 

This has nothing to-do with basic happiness this is more mental health and stabillity. I am quiet happy without these people surrounding me. Happiness will never be achieved as long as I have an ego. That is impossible, there are way higher emotional states as "simple" happiness. 

"Acceptance" does not help me. Accepting abusive behaviour is the definition of dysfunction 100%, I am not dealing with narccistics, I take so much responsibillity already, it's not easy at times, to be an "empathc" and have these types of humans relate to you. 

I've read all books on happiness on Leo's booklist and integrate advice from these. I don't think Byron Katie, can help thanks for the advice. Survival is very very real. 

[Epikur]

Which kind of school do you go? Normally at the gymnasium the students should be a bit better than at the other schools.

[Leo Gura]

Why are you even talking to people in class?

I don't remember talking to anyone in Uni. I went to lectures and then went home.

Edited December 14, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Matt23]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Why are you even talking to people in class?

I don't remember talking to anyone in Uni. I went to lectures and then went home.

Most people need more socialization than you.  

You've said you've pretty much figured out human psychology yet the comment above indicates a radical misunderstanding of human psychology; the misunderstanding being, or lack of integrating/accepting/loving, that people can have radically different needs and psychologies, in this case, socializing needs and desires.

[Chives99]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Why are you even talking to people in class?

I don't remember talking to anyone in Uni. I went to lectures and then went home.

Thats not very social, their might be a cute  girl in his class

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Epikur It's a masters degree lol. At almost an German Ivy leauge university. I already have a bachelors degree. 

20 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Why are you even talking to people in class?

I don't remember talking to anyone in Uni. I went to lectures and then went home.

I don't talk with others during class about stuff, I focus on studies, yet as I was in a more interdisciplinary field, the field narrowed down to a more narrow interdisciplinary field, completely eliminating design etc. It was my choice and basically a dream come true, there are so many options to ask questions and get understanding about technical stuff, I just am in fear of beign ridiculed because of gaslighting experiences, and often afterwards people asking me about IQ and such, so I feel hampered even starting to study. I practically do the same, yet to give a paradigm how it feels to walk with HSP(highly sensetive) and VGP(volitional generated piloerection there are 4 papers of this condition) and physical nerve impigments, because of a tumour that was removed at birth at my hip. I am leaving classes as they are pointless in the middle of the lecture, as I can't study in the enviroment if they talk to much, it's like they can't adjust and pest the room with toxic energy at times and I just have to leave, I usually feel stronger, yet this diagnosis with athrosis is just to much at one point. People compliment me all live about health and look at me as the pinnacle of fitness, while I knew since birth this is a huge hoax, and has a superwide-spread moral implications, especially considering history, and the classes I am taking even. With genetic algorithms and such. I feel so much guilt asking very simple questions and I then can guilt trip myself because I get into this spiral of trauma because of narccicism within my family and now I see the hardcore social spectrum and I just get unconsciously triggered. It does not leave a very good picture, neither can I care to much about it. I feel more happy beign rebelling naturally it's 

I panic and I prefer the online-lectures, if I had a better physical health condition I could easily do game and just would go with the crazyness as I am so used to this type of phenomena of projection and did years of more "shallow" shadow work, yet I notice the deeper ends of trauma associated very closely to my life purpose. I question if lectures are even worth it in person it's basically as we just discuss our homework, and I had so many organsiational issues, I had to work from my phone was unsure what to do. Received a subway ticket late etc. etc. Like conditions where I don't have that much influence and say in, as far as I can recall. I was so suprised that they took me, I just basically saw this as more "higher intuition and went" as they had the perfect legit perfect lectures of interests and all of the professor are super-fine in a sense. It's just some narcisitc behaviour and low spiral development that is very triggering. Most of the stage orange people don't even show up. 

Also from reading a couple of books about what are the most effective approachs to become a straight a-student, I notice some strategies are not working out for me in terms of attending classes. Sometimes I just notice not going there and studying on my own gives me more time and preperation to understand and learn the material more deeply. In class I can ask questions, yet I am bothered as I there are other like organisational issues, for example I have to do maths2 next semester and there are a lot of mathematical concepts, so people get angry at times mostly immature younger students who are insecure and I am this "super masculine" guy in their "mamalian brian" and I get a shit ton of emotional snipping that I just feel with HSP, like I don't do this on purpose. It's just they are such a huge distraction at times. I don't know what is better beign there feeling gaslit. Also even online women give me huge looks and guys even send me compliments at times (I study at home with camera on in a gamfied way that worked the best so far), it's so annoying to be framed in this sexual way, I sometimes feel at one point I should just let my d*ck hang on someones shoulder to let them know at one point I will really do it if this does not stop. Also I can't masturbate for hours like I don't have time for that and dating did not work out all to well, I just want to get the operation done and be more stable mentally. 

People also told me I have a dark and very stringent energy, that I usually get rid of with very intense exercises that I can't do anymore like hardcore sprints and HIT movements and calisthentic type stuff. I can do a little and I do a little. 

I said so much toxic sutff openly as I question their sanity at times and the impost syndrom and feelings are also quiet real, I've never witnessed how insane that is, there are also uni politics with shooting rampages and I saw security for the first-time because there was a message writtin that it will happen. This was even on some newspaper. I for example as (american military kid) said I wish I had an M-16 open in class nobody said anything I thought this is surreal. A guy legit cat-called me because my "butt" is larger then 99.9% of the women that I see outside of the gym. I did not believe my eyes. Like cmon I can't be that handsome even online like it's such a delusion I appreciate it truely, yet it's such a delusion also, and then the reverse "race perception of ugly" omfg. I stare people back into their eyes just to let them know I just saw what you saw. For me these ideas are so normalized I have to laugh, as I was greeted with M-16 since I was 4 or so, I sometimes can't believe how naive people are, yet this somehow causes also less terror ironically, when there is freedom of expresion...

Especially as self-studies with occasional check-ins work the best with mentors and peers who are more serious, because I am practically beign gaslit in class, Leo you have to sort of imgaine how toxic this really is as there are no other black people the darker they are the sooner they are out of the classes, because of this *lusting* type of behaviour and projections, they are all gone. Europe is deeply very deeply biased and just looks to America and then I get American projections like I am Andrew Tate and then I either own it etc. Then I am to femnisits (looking type women) start hissing towards me and act oddly in terms of body language a lot of white men don't get that at all.

I had to adjust also for lecturs and buy stuff, I still don't own a tablet and I keep meta-thinking about improvments it's so obsessive at times, I don't know how to stop it. As this is the only way I can legit survive at times, so I ask a a lot of questions around this. 

I just don't really find a serious person who keeps me accountable and can deal with the intense emotions I have. I don't have any mental conditions and I get a lot of projectins in terms of borderline/adhd where others have similar symptoms and just project out of fear. A lot of these "dovetail" also with giftedness, so yeah it's hell at times. 

Sorry for digressing and writting so much I wonder at times how others can't notice humans unconsciouness so much. It's like they smell weak and attack like in the book from the booklist from your's our inner ape. It's incredible how primitive humans can be when I contemplate group dynamics and mating behaviour like omg. I am happy game has more class in a sense. 

49 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

Most people need more socialization than you.  

You've said you've pretty much figured out human psychology yet the comment above indicates a radical misunderstanding of human psychology; the misunderstanding being, or lack of integrating/accepting/loving, that people can have radically different needs and psychologies, in this case, socializing needs and desires.

I also need it and I crave it mostly also in an intellectual way, when I feel more of my primal needs for example considering maslow. I certainly did not figure out human psychology as it's evolving all the time, I just know a good deal about it I know they have radically different needs, yet I don't get mine met. This is a serious issue, I am not some fluffy little thing that strongly coheres to the social norms of a group. I am mostly stastically indpendent if I'd speak more mathematically. I enjoy socializing a lot mostly in silence though and more in a mentor type of relationship as well as very highly highly open diverse groups. So I also find more success in international enviroments, I don't know why I am just used to meeting a lot of different cultures.

I also meet so many diverse groups of people I sometimes just get bored unconsciously and don't even interact. I like to get to know people especially through media and games, and I still crave social relationships, yet I can't do all to much. I am certainly not integrating the desire of love&connection&belonging regularly in a non-digital way, that I certainly need. Even bi-weekly etc. I just don't somehow find that. There are more social opportunities then I noticed, so I cut ties now even with my mother which hurts me a lot, as I worked a lot on that relationship as 2 very important beigns... died in my life in the last two years, and I am not very much over it. It just hits me at times and I have to basically cry at the beauty of it. I've never been so emotionally open and rigied at the sametime, it's odd people notice so much. It's at times not fun I give me best beign my own cheerleader and even for others, as I enjoy inspiring others as this is part of my life purpose. I waste a lot of time not finding connections it the biggest issues I have even going thorugh health books have the most issues with love & relationships, as I am a super-social and super-introverted creature I have no idea how to meet these needs, if I can't use my body that fast.

I get that others have it I just don't know how to meet mine at times, I've become so dominant it scares me I just talk and talk and talk. Because it hurts as an empath to listen to so much suffering like people just connect to me with their issues, can we not talk about something more neutral or in the present moment? It seems quiet difficult for people to talk in the present and they just mostly complain and frame me as the negative one, I am so happy alone at times. I laugh at needing others, yet I need others it's not easy. 

I just don't know how to deal with this should I date now again? Focus on my studies? Studies has priority then I need interactions with others which is rarely nowadays a part where I listen. There is so much other stuff. i can be an excellent listener, I just stopped because people keep associating then with the "negative role" somehow of me and not the positive one. I like upliftment etc more... sorry for writting such complex stuff. 

Most people also act like such adults, and I am very open about insecurities etc. It's so strange to them it's obnoxious and they attack and I think like well I could go to American and earn a couple of millions there we have it and it's silent... it's so odd....



 

[Leo Gura]

A balance is obviously needed.

But if your socialization is of such a low-grade as you describe, then little is lost in skipping out on it.

Either socialize less or find better people to socialize with. Quality over quantity.

[ValiantSalvatore]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

A balance is obviously needed.

But if your socialization is of such a low-grade as you describe, then little is lost in skipping out on it.

Either socialize less or find better people to socialize with. Quality over quantity.

There are a lot of offers that provide consciouness work, yet I could not take it because of financial struggles and focus on very very needed practical things like a washing machine a new phone etc. With this new schedule I am going to find more suitable beigns to hang-out with, it just stands in contraposition to my life purpose, at times and the goals I've set this year. It sucks to be injured as I could have higher quality and healthier relationships, now it's like magically very broken people feel attracted to me, when I feel vulnerable and practically am healing myself with positive, energy, self-acceptance etc. I agree I found at least one person, yet I do have to attend some meet-ups and events in order to find quality friends at best also in courses. This is something I can tackle first next semester and then attend more casual events. Although I find it not easy to strike up conversations even though I do randomly at times, as I can be overly empathic and this stuff can get very much under my skin.

With less injuries I would crave and feel more control, yet I don't know how to deal with this stuff yet I have plans I am waiting till the financial support of the state arrives, otherwise I can't heal some serious trauma. I frankly don't know what quality is anymore. I am just looking for an enjoyable experience. 

I just don't know if I should attend class, I made some friends right at the beginning, I never felt mentally so instable, and this is very often so if I can't exercise and move my body and it's an organisational nightmare currently, because of the financial situation I feel so paralyzed at times, then other stuff where I want to move countries as I was accused of stealing and don't have good experience working in Germany small jobs etc. So I am looking for something highly strategic and I need skill etc. It feels nice to be popular etc. 

I can keep in mind that little is lost, although it's still not easy mentally to see so many others easily join and socialize as they have the same experience and are very homogenous groups. It feels very isolating and I see the whole spectrum of majority priviledge etc. and quite frankly it sucks. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

4 hours ago, blueberries said:

Yeah I can relate to you there, it's so hard to find people in real life who are interested in the types of topics discussed on this forum. That's something I crave and struggle with too, it feels like I'm always repressing an important side of myself. I think the best we can do is just look for some form of belonging, even if it's not what we're really looking for in the long run.

Are there no groups at your university? Mine in the UK had societies for things like philosophy, yoga, etc? Or if you need to get out of the university bubble because it's too toxic, are there not any communities or activities of things you'd vaguely enjoy in your city? I've done a bit of salsa dancing and for whatever reason it seems to attract quite a diverse crowd in terms of nationalities/ethnicities, and most cities offer it. There must be other activities that draw in more of an international group.

And then once you find some people that aren't so toxic/low down the spiral, I guess you just have to make the extra effort to communicate and connect with them, finding something you like about them - even if they're not necessarily the people you'd ideally be spending time with

I would do so much, yet I am injured I can't do much I am very sporty. It's just not possible anymore and this causes massive depression at times (now not so much because I can do some of it) I can't do stuff I dreamed of and this has been a pattern in my life that is very hostile. I might be able to do kundalin yoga next semester that seems a good thing to do. 

I would do so many activites like:

• Judo
• Soccer
• Calisthetnics
• Basketball (even)
• Swimming
• Running
• Gym
• Watersports etc.

I can practically only do swimming and I have a friend for this, yet he had an operation so he won't go swimming and I prefer the gym. The philosophy idea is great! I might check that out and see if I can coincide this with the meditation classes etc. There are new ideas I practically have billions of them I feel stiffled at times. These re-orientations take a lot of time and I notice healing is becoming a larger part of my life thanks to childhood trauma and narcissism. 

I am just annoyed at the ignorance of liberal politics being overly focused on feminism and disparaging healty male identies and role models it's odd to describe. 

4 hours ago, blueberries said:

Oh I totally agree that it's a social construct - I was just echoing you as you used the word "racial" a few times and a lot of your writing is focused on that. I can use ethnicity or say "race" in quotation marks if you prefer ?

Ethnicity is way better of a term that gives leeway into so many topics without moral judgement. It's just not a good thing to say "Volk" in German rings the wrong bells mostly... there are a lot of moral implications when I think in German it's not easy to walk this road etc.

4 hours ago, blueberries said:

Yeah I have met a lot of third-culture kids here in the UK and very similar issues here. You might not be personally around many people in a similar situation to you, but there are definitely a LOT of people in the same situation elsewhere. I've noticed that Facebook has a lot of very niche groups, have you tried looking somewhere like that for a group of people you can vent? I know there's a "Mexicans in the UK" one from someone else so assuming there must be an "Americans in Germany" one? Obviously sticking to the digital space isn't ideal but it might be enough to make you feel a bit better if you combine it with a more surface-level community in real life?

For example I have a friend who is involved in this: https://www.instagram.com/mixedracefaces/ where people get to share their struggles with some of the issues you've mentioned. I don't know if you're "mixed-race" but it's just an example that there are things like this popping up.

And hopefully once you have everything else in place, you might have an easier time blocking out the people from your university.

It does seem like you can't necessarily "solve" your problem - you can just make it marginally better for yourself. 

I need real life interaction facebook is a horror as this is the space where I could meet my american family and there are issues around this even by law it could cause me trouble. So I refrain from it especially when sutff becomes more digital. I don't really care about where someone is from I grew up in such diverse groups. I could check-out the group that is true! I have a new phone on my old phone instagram usage was close to impossible and mine is so filtered it's very inspiring. Thank you for the reminder!! This would definitely help for venting, although I would feel more at home in America as it's more part of the social discourse and not placed into this class type thinking which is very rigid imo. 

It takes a lot of time I notice to set things up. If I setup my instagram account, I will check-out the side. I also can connect way better to American society and black people in that way, I am just visually more motivated etc. etc. There is some biology I bet to this, when I see black successful men im contrast to some "random white" guy having success. Like it gives me a huge motivational boost I noticed in the gym etc. Seeing photos of black athletes inspired me more than seeing someone white, although I immediately contemplate and meditate about this notion. It's just I don't find honesty in the power of "homogenous" groups and i've practically never been in one. So yeah I want to move to a more diverse city like New York etc. 

I lived in London and it was not diverse enough imo. America is a country of migrants so there is more of an implicit notion I feel I just don't like living in Europe all to much if it would not be for festivals and events even if I attend none ironically. 

It's more of a financial struggle and survival issues, where I just was meet with unfortunate circumstances. I do the best despite all efforts failure does happen and it's normal...

[ValiantSalvatore]

It should be fine culture is somewhat advancing I don't know how to describe, yet there are other options it's just very local mostly and information can get lost. I found some other options. Thanks for replying! 

It's funny also seeing Leo on Insta . Thanks for the tip again, I forgot I used this consciously.  Even as an accountabillity structure etc.

Edited December 15, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[Basman]

I didn't read everything because it was kinda waffly to be frank, but I think you could benefit from practicing not taking things so personally. What others think and say to you is a reflection of themselves first and foremost. Treat it like it's their problem and that it has nothing to do with you.

If you are having issues, it might not be a bad idea to seek out some counseling. Schools usually offer inhouse counceling.

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Basman That is practically a from of gaslighting ironically. I know it's meant well, and ironically it's toxic and gaslighting. Please re-frain from commeting, I will instantly block gaslighters and people who overly display narcissistic tendencies. This is also a classic in spiritual circles. Also collectively in terms of the experience of "minorities" etc. This is hardcore toxic. I will not tolerate this, just to let you know directly I will block and mute you, if there are more comments similar to this. 

At best refrain from commeting. It's not easy to articulate complex emotions. I appreciate that and thank you. 

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/why-don-t-take-it-so-personally-is-the-ultimate-gaslighting-insult-according-to-psychology-experts?utm_source=pocket-newtab

I can get into trauma healing relatively soon, inhouse councelling is full. I appreciate the gesture, and I don't like this kind of communication currently. 

I am not a robot/soldier I am a human beign. 

Edited December 15, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[Kshantivadin]

On 14/12/2022 at 9:25 PM, Leo Gura said:

Why are you even talking to people in class?

I don't remember talking to anyone in Uni. I went to lectures and then went home.

Missed networking opportunities 

[Kshantivadin]

16 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

That is practically a from of gaslighting ironically. I know it's meant well, and ironically it's toxic and gaslighting. Please re-frain from commeting, I will instantly block gaslighters and people who overly display narcissistic tendencies.

Bro. You don't want to think like this. It's too painful. 

You can live taking full responsibility for whatever happens to you. It's much more fulfilling. Otherwise you're gonna be stuck. Being stuck sucks. 

may you find the power within ?

[ValiantSalvatore]

28 minutes ago, Kshantivadin said:

Bro. You don't want to think like this. It's too painful. 

You can live taking full responsibility for whatever happens to you. It's much more fulfilling. Otherwise you're gonna be stuck. Being stuck sucks. 

Thanks yo, I just don't see the point in beign gaslit and as creator I choose not to engage in this kind of broken dynamic I am very focused on being as holonic as possible. I just will not participate in this culture of narcissism.

[Kshantivadin]

@ValiantSalvatore I'm sure he was well-intentioned. I'll dare to say it was good advice. Consider the idea that only you can gaslight yourself into giving the power to others to gaslight you.

1love