How to maintain a social state

[Jannes]

My problem is this. I have pretty good social skills when I am used to socializing. But because I have a tendency to isolate myself because socializing is very energy draining to me I often go days and sometimes weeks without socializing. I rarely even text message with people. And after some alone time it always feels rough to get into socializing again. I feel awkward and boring and I can’t do a good conversation. I realized that this is something that I can’t allow to happen anymore because I loose so many opportunities to date, pick up, find friends, .. because I just don’t feel in my power. 

Even though the answer is probably really straight forward „Just integrate more social situations in your week bro“ because I think this is a very common problem that many people have I thought that some of you have a more nuanced/in depth answers/strategies to deal with this.

 

[max duewel]

There is no way around socializing if you want to feel more comfortable socially. You can integrate a hobby into your week that forces you to have human contacts like a dance class, sport, or club. 

[Jannes]

4 minutes ago, max duewel said:

There is no way around socializing if you want to feel more comfortable socially. You can integrate a hobby into your week that forces you to have human contacts like a dance class, sport, or club. 

You can learn to be funny by yourself. You can do daily affirmations. Maybe you can also learn to hypnotize yourself to be extroverted on command. 
I go to the theatre where I practice once a week for 1.5 hours but it’s def not enough. 

[LastThursday]

There's no definite answer.

You're not losing social skills just because of a break of a few weeks, so it's not that. If you're anything like me, sometimes you're just not in the mood to be social. In other words you have to be mentally prepared to be social and it takes effort. Such is the life of an introvert.

As for feeling awkward and boring, just let it happen and don't fight it, even if it's uncomfortable feeling. Socialising is not about performing well, it's about communication and connection and having a shared experience and expressing yourself. 

From experience, socialising is about directing all your attention to the other person and being delighted with them. The flow (of love) should be from you to the other person, not the other way around. You feel awkward and boring because the flow is the wrong way, you're basing your experience on your performance and your expectation, instead of just directing your attention outwards away from yourself.

 

[Jannes]

8 hours ago, Judy2 said:

Hm to be honest this doesn't sound like a good solution. To me this seems like it's a bit too forceful.

From what I understood we already hypnotize ourself all the time. If activate a social state through effort in myself that is already hypnosis. At least that’s what I think with my limited knowledge. Haven’t dived deep into the subject of hypnosis yet. 

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It might be more gentle to actually allow your system to feel and be introverted. You can find people that can accept these introverted feelings and that don't need you to act all high energy all the time.

Even when you socialise and put on an act to be more extroverted, always check with your body and your emotional needs.

I try to love myself to the best of my ability when I am the one quit guy in the group but honestly I do feel a bit guilty about it and feel that I don’t contribute anything to the group/ drag the fun down. 
 

Edited December 14, 2022 by Jannes

[Jannes]

10 hours ago, LastThursday said:

There's no definite answer.

You're not losing social skills just because of a break of a few weeks, so it's not that. If you're anything like me, sometimes you're just not in the mood to be social. In other words you have to be mentally prepared to be social and it takes effort. Such is the life of an introvert.

What I sometimes fade out is what is going on internally like how I feel about myself and how that is connected to the present moment. Years ago I often had social anxiety from playing a lot of video games because I used it to hide from life challenges. And then I remember me after school graduation allowing myself to play video games one week straight. There was not a single bit of insecurity and I felt completely fine because I completely allowed myself to do it and didn’t feel bad about it while in other times that would have put me in a deep rut. How we talk to ourselves is so important. 
I am kind of lost in life right now, don’t know what direction to go and feel a bit like a looser. I probably underestimate how much that drags me down. 

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As for feeling awkward and boring, just let it happen and don't fight it, even if it's uncomfortable feeling. Socialising is not about performing well, it's about communication and connection and having a shared experience and expressing yourself. 

From experience, socialising is about directing all your attention to the other person and being delighted with them. The flow (of love) should be from you to the other person, not the other way around. You feel awkward and boring because the flow is the wrong way, you're basing your experience on your performance and your expectation, instead of just directing your attention outwards away from yourself.

 

That’s a good point. 

Edited December 14, 2022 by Jannes

[aurum]

10 hours ago, Jannes said:

I thought that some of you have a more nuanced/in depth answers/strategies to deal with this.

Not really.

At some point you just have to do the thing.

The more you socialize, the more natural it will feel. Which will inspire you to want to keep socializing.

You could consider getting a job that requires more socializing.That would force you into a new pattern.

[LastThursday]

@Jannes how would you feel about gamifying your experience?

Here's my game strategy for you: one week of socialising non-stop (have a schedule and contact a different friend each day - make lots of plans to meet up), one week of complete isolation (be an introvert, recharge, play games etc.). Keep alternating for two months. Review on here at the end.

[max duewel]

You are definitely making this too complicated. Throw yourself into social situations. Learn and adjust with the techniques and knowledge you have at home. But leave your house even though you sometimes don't feel like it.

[universe]

Do you want more social interactions during the week?

[John Paul]

I like exercising. The problem is I exercise and even eat healthy a few times a week for some time.. then I fall off. When I start again I’m fat and dehydrated and my knee hurts because i didn’t get healthy. Everyone is telling me I need to workout every week but that’s stupid, I need a more nuanced answer.

Sorry if it comes off sarcastic.. best of luck with the emotional barriers. Im struggling too.

[Leo Gura]

There is no way around building and maintaining momentum.

Going out consistently keeps you sharp. If you stop going out, you will get dull.

I know professional pickup coaches who have slept with 500+ girls, but if they stop going out for a few months, they will lose their momentum and their game will not be great until they build the momentum back up.

But as you get better, you will be able to build up your momentum faster.

Edited December 15, 2022 by Leo Gura

[StarStruck]

See social situations as opportunities, not as threats. Because when I read your thread you say things like "I loose so many opportunities to date, pick up, find friends, .. because I just don’t feel in my power."...

If you see things as threats you have a closed off energy. Try starting with the being, not with the doing. Your inner reality (your vibe) should match the outer reality (social life) you desire. Otherwise you will be like a dog chasing its own tail.

There are some free letting go videos by Julien RSD which will help you with the being by letting go of negative energy. Because you are fucking up because of this negative energy that makes things awkward and difficult:

 

[Jannes]

On 14.12.2022 at 10:53 PM, aurum said:

The more you socialize, the more natural it will feel. Which will inspire you to want to keep socializing.

That’s true. It’s been some time since socializing felt natural for me. I kind of forgot that you can get to that point. I will take it as a motivation. 

 

On 14.12.2022 at 10:53 PM, aurum said:

You could consider getting a job that requires more socializing.That would force you into a new pattern.

Do you have anything specific in mind? There are these jobs where you have to speak to approach people on the street to talk them into donating for some good cause. I don’t really like that approach, BUT it’s basically paid pick up training. 
 

 

On 14.12.2022 at 11:53 PM, LastThursday said:

@Jannes how would you feel about gamifying your experience?

Here's my game strategy for you: one week of socialising non-stop (have a schedule and contact a different friend each day - make lots of plans to meet up), one week of complete isolation (be an introvert, recharge, play games etc.). Keep alternating for two months. Review on here at the end.

To figure out if slacking off isn’t bad for your social confidence as long as you don’t feel guilty about it?

I love the idea but I don’t have enough friends to make plans for an entire week and it would also be stressful to isolate myself an entire week as well. Too much costs unfortunately.

 

On 15.12.2022 at 4:13 AM, universe said:

Do you want more social interactions during the week?

Yes.

 

On 15.12.2022 at 4:17 AM, John Paul said:

I like exercising. The problem is I exercise and even eat healthy a few times a week for some time.. then I fall off. When I start again I’m fat and dehydrated and my knee hurts because i didn’t get healthy. Everyone is telling me I need to workout every week but that’s stupid, I need a more nuanced answer.

Sorry if it comes off sarcastic.. best of luck with the emotional barriers. Im struggling too.

No, maybe you didn’t want to make a point but I think it’s a perfect analogy actually.
I trained hard and learned a whole lot about nutrition for many years and for the past two years I just maintained my muscle mass with two workout days a week and eat healthy automatically. It’s probably the same with socializing. At the beginning you have to build up all the skills but then it’s easy to maintain them. 
 

@StarStruck I often experience a lot of emotions I don’t feel like are acceptable or like to be seen like loneliness, sadness, frustration, .. There is a guy in the theatre that I go to and I recently just saw him crying outside and a girl just hugged him all the way through. He always expresses himself however he wants without holding back. Its amazing I want to be like that guy. But the thing is that guy is also super confident. Maybe he can allow himself to express himself however he likes because he has enough inner strength. I still have to work on that.

 

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, Jannes said:

I love the idea but I don’t have enough friends to make plans for an entire week and it would also be stressful to isolate myself an entire week as well. Too much costs unfortunately.

Yeah no pressure. Sometimes to get an answer to a question, nobody can give it to you, you just need to experiment and try something different out; that is the meta-strategy. If you want to change then you need to... change, something.

[hyruga]

Just drop the thought and just interact with people. If there's something you want to say, just say it. Most of the time, it's okay. If it's not, just apologise. Be energetic.

[universe]

On 16/12/2022 at 4:32 PM, Jannes said:

It’s probably the same with socializing. At the beginning you have to build up all the skills but then it’s easy to maintain them. 

It's precisely this. It's like playing a game on hard when you never played a game in your life.

Not very entertaining at first. But once you start to understand what is going on and what the game wants you to do you can have fun with it.

Even when you switch to another game you will still know the basics about gaming and you will figure stuff out quite quickly.

 

First step is figuring out why socializing is draining for you and not for others.

If Joe Shmoe can do it, then why can't you?

[Jannes]

9 minutes ago, universe said:

It's precisely this. It's like playing a game on hard when you never played a game in your life.

Not very entertaining at first. But once you start to understand what is going on and what the game wants you to do you can have fun with it.

Even when you switch to another game you will still know the basics about gaming and you will figure stuff out quite quickly.

Thanks that’s really motivating. 

9 minutes ago, universe said:

First step is figuring out why socializing is draining for you and not for others.

If Joe Shmoe can do it, then why can't you?

I had intense negative social experiences in early childhood and school. I didn’t learn in early childhood how people naturally connect with each other so now I either overwhelm other people or I am very distant. I have concentration problems which cause me to miss information which often bring me into embarrassing situations. I was never accepted in a group. Subconsciously I believe that I am a looser, weird, an outcast because I played these roles for so long. I also have very little knowledge when it comes to common things people talk about like films, music, stars,.. I just don’t give a damn. 

I know that one way I can heal myself is if I have a gf who accepts me for who I am because that already happened before for a short time. 

[Zion]

Learn to understand yourself, find out how you like to socialize, what exactly you enjoy socializing about. What excites you? What insights you? What grows you? Become more self-aware & you will find what you seek & better understand why you seek it. 

MY PERSPECTIVE:

Once you see sociability as a part of you, as appose to something you need to attach yourself to & force yourself to do, you will socialize with ease. It sounds to me just that you lack both experience & perhaps effective strategy. Your strategy that you use to socialize now, clearly isn't getting you where you want to be socially. So change it up, find out why you feel awkward & need a build-up, because clearly that is just simply your mindset, not true actuality. Try out new social tactics, read books on conversational skills. For me personally, I've found that it significantly helps to understand & be self-aware of why I'm socializing in the first place. Ask yourself "Why am I socializing in this moment?" Become more self-aware of why you have this desire to socialize as frequently as you say you want to.

Is it because you want to improve social skills in general? Then experience, strategy, & patience is all you lack. And all that can be found within you. Give it time & dedication, & you will find that it becomes second-nature to you.

If you are socializing just to improve your long-term sociability & therefore your general social skills throughout life, I find that all you need is a clear awareness & understanding of how you speak/socialize with yourself. If you are isolating yourself often, you will find difficulty in being social for too long because you are so used to experiencing comfort by yourself. You may find it difficult to be comfortable socializing for a long while, as it is not as comfortable as your isolated state. This is where experience is important. Learn to be comfortable in whatever it is you are trying to grow in, be willing to be comfortable during discomfort for the sake of self-growth. Adaptability in combination with self-awareness (therefore understanding of personal standards & boundaries) is key. This will help you understand why you socialize the way you do, why you struggle at times, & why you kill it at times. Self-awareness will provide you with the understanding as to why you socialize as you do, & why yours & other's sociability is perceived by you to be more or less valuable/effective. If you understand these things, you'll understand what you seek to improve on and why. 

One thing I'll add; I notice one of the reasons you listed for why you want to improve is partly because of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Seek-to & learn to understand why you fear this. Why do you fear missing out? What is it you feel you'll be missing out on? What is it you don't have now that you are missing? Can you enjoy something as it is without needing it to be the same or different in the future, just as it is right now? What is it you feel you are missing now? Find out what that missing piece is, become aware of why it is missing, learn ways of permanently filling in that missing piece if necessary. So long has you have FOMO, so long you will always be looking for the next best thing & never truly in love with what is right in front of you. 

Good luck

[meta_male]

@Zion Dude, that was impressive.