Gaslighting Mother - Trauma&Toxic Behaviour In Family&Dating

[ValiantSalvatore]

I thought I write about this and show a little bit of insight and detail and there is more to it on a more collective and even "racial" scale. I Googled examples of gaslighting as I felt gaslit by the current chinese teacher that I had as well as partially the psychologist I worked with for two years, and there is this relationship pattern that I observed since I was 12-14 as well as even earlier of repression and denial as well as the corresponding falsehoods. 

Practically my mother has been gaslighting me since I was 12-14 with statements and sentences such as examples of what she said and what is gaslighting:
https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/gaslighting-examples
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/examples-of-gaslighting

Ex1: "I'm sorry you think that I hurt you."

When I tell her that I feel hurt and vulnerable and attacked by her remarks and inabillity to use language to express emotions and she starts feeling helpless and acts in silence and then again I feel gaslight. As I can't believe at thimes this is a mother. I tell her even I am disappointed in her as a human beign as I can't fathom at times how much trauma this pattern caused me when I get into trauma accidently either as well as actively. (exercise/trauma work/meditation)

Ex2: When I example confront her very consciously with a conversation and a lot of women do this, they start shifting blame I've consumed new material about conscious communication for simplicities sake, and it's almost as if I need to start to talk about the collective unconsciouness from women. As they keep shifting blame in an super unnatural way at times. I do have to say I was bombared with this energy since I was little as I did not grew up with a father and both have been gaslighting me, yet this is a constant pattern. Things have changed.

Shifting blame&Deflection: Example I show her examples of gaslighting present studies of discrimination as well as personal examples and she either denies and deflects to a point where I am questioning the accuracy of my memory. Starts saying you did this and that, you are name-calling when I am just not name calling in any sense and keeps iterating about the past in a toxic manner. 

Ex3: "You know I'd never intentionally hurt you."
Is also a denial and shifting blame statement she does not really know what she feels and knocks her nervous system out with 7-9 coffees a day and drank a lot of alcohol and denied her behaviour, that it has a causal relationship with me.

Ex4: "You're too sensitive./Don't be so sensetive"

Is something she said so often when I confronted her and asked her about topics where I felt discriminated in school and even in university from this stage orange behaviour mostly and colorblind racism. Completely invalidating the emotions 

Ex5: "It's not that bad. Other people have it much worse."

That is almost her classic, she can't accept how sensetive I am to reality and feels overburdened by the perceptions that I have and making up these cases is not of help. Also she keeps enjoying the level of vulnerabllity I can display with a level of glee, at times where it's quiet inhumane and says the following as an example: "You can't take a joke right?" Then HiHi's away with a lack of responsibillity from a 60 year old women, where I am baffled. Then I can hear stories about children in africa & smtth. where she is clearly behaving internally and externally like a privilged white eurocentric women. Then shuts down all interactions and continues this gaslighting cycle. 

Ex6: "I never said that."

Is something she says constantly and as soon as I get an accurate memory (as I can be wrong surely) she suddenly forgets and I feel gaslit to the extreme.
- - - - - - - 
There is way more for me this is quiet traumatic, as I notice when I do trauma work as well as get deeper into my body it's this kind of denial and repression that she and partially my father has been displaying. 

No, I don't live with them yet my family is very small and practically almost half dead... as I can't converse with anyone practically and a lot of conversations are so unhealthy and toxic, I just started talking otherwise they are put into a toxic space. For example again:

• Never using I statements consistently making it about the other person, saying: "You are XYZ.../ You're doing XYZ to me... / You are making XYZ to me"/ Is a lack of responsibility and this sort of behaviour caused me a lot of suicidal feelings.
• Consistently saying Yes.. but denies the input of the other person. 

Another example I confront her yesterday with examples she starts diverging of the topic and threatens me:

• You are the only one you can call at this time anyway in an emotional snipping tone. (This is super hardcore gaslighting, like it enforces the notion of co-dependence)
• You are the one name-calling me and I will tell you what you are doing. You are doing this YOu are doing that. When I clearly did nothing of it for the last several of weeks and she just disrupts evidence and makes one question ones own sanity.
• She diverges of the topic so often and starts using negative terminilogy in relationships such as blaming: You are always. You are always doing this. You are always searching into the past. etc.

This is not even true, and she is the person who consistently speaks about the past so I am conditioned often to speak about the past in the present.

I watched so many teal swan videos and did shadow work as well as worked with psychotherapists, she clearly is very toxic and damaging and a lot of sucidial perceptions stem from this kind of trauma, is something I observed. I am very sensetive, so what? The purpose of this thread is.

How to deal and confront&gaslighters and the likes this happens also with minorities from other countries who are seeing paradoxically me as a minority because of skin color, and play a hierachical game that does not hold any groundtruth whatsoever. 

She also starts completely withdrawing affection and attention when I confrot her about this and to be frank. She did this when I was 12-14 and it takes so long for her to work and recognize these emotions, that I don't like to interact with her anymore, yet I am financially dependent as I am in so many unique situations it's not normal in a sense, and I also need guidance and reassurance at times from a family member. 

Yes, she consistently says she supports me financially, yet she is a gaslighting expert and very very toxic as she does this unconsciously and semi-consciously and does not see her behaviour. It's like Eckhart Tolle's pain-body she keeps enjoying this pain-body to a level that is inhumane and does not notice it.

What can I do? I need to wait for the new psychotherapist as I will receive money from the state for studying, yet the proposal will take till Janurary. My family is almost dead entirely and it makes me sad to be so young... and have nobody to relate to as family since I was 4 or so, as they gaslight manipulat & die legitametlly. 

I have one or two friends that I can call, yet for a lot of 

I practically can only write down these incidents and then report it to the student council and explain the situation, as I don't know how to deal with it. As I am beign gaslit a lot with evidence! How does that make me a victim when I confront the person? Is this not a sign of strength?

Basically she denies affection, shifts blame on to me and I am there sitting and crying at the despair of the emotional damage she has caused, when I own the emotions the attacks even continue I find her psychopathic and narccisstic. She does not pick up the phone willingly and starts shifting blame and gives me a silent treatment.

I am so alone since I was 4 as my parents divorced and my father was never available my mother is quiet secure in relationships, yet the dynamic is so toxic and lowbrow, I am not all to interested in interacting with her. There are patterns I explain to her objectively and she has a negative anti-growth mindset, that makes interacting with her in a critical manner very difficult.

Any advice? Besides leaving the relationship, it's partially impossible as I rely on her in a normal dependent relationship about some usual stuff, a son would ask a mother/father. 


 

Edited December 14, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[NoSelfSelf]

They all do this because they are insecure..

[Tyler Robinson]

Yea that's how pretty much gaslighting works. I have dealt with this. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Thanks for the feedback since the Ukraine war started I received tons of social projections that are very difficult to stomach, it's almost close to destiny, I wanted to even change my name because of how German people use the English language and a lot of immigrants. I notice a lot of social projections and at one point just to find a solutions for all of this is a gigantic issue.

I can't tell what people really think, yet it's not nice anymore to notice how disparagingly and ignorant young Zoomers and Gen-Y's are many of them are quiet toxic. I just left the class again, because I feel a lot of social projections where I am beign practically gaslight to the amusment of many minorities which are not part of the minority I am with. I decided to cut ties 100% with my mother and to focus on the digital space and use the internet as means of communication. I am very empathic towards the suffering of other people and I just don't quiet know how to deal and cope with this, besides leaving, confronting the manipulator and working on my own. 

The more I do personal development I do I notice how even more vulnerable I need to be it's like I am in this odd spectrum of beign super-empathic and then shutting down and meeting narcissists.

4 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

They all do this because they are insecure..

Yes, and then they come to me and share their insecurity ever since the Ukranian war seemingly slightly weak is such a tricky concept. There are so many young narrccistic people and billions of projections where I notice empathy and compassion thanks to the digital space is lacking. 

It's like there are a few good human beigns outthere, yet 90% of them are just narccistically gaslighting others. Abusing weakness, and they even mean well I just notice this blame game, and if it would not be for the professors I would be doomed. 

I cut ties now with my mother, as she can't give me the strength I need in a relationship from an emotional mature partner. 

I love my studies I might study slower because I study deeper and incoperate principles and then they start bullying etc. I just read about narccisitcs and imposter with blinkist and they explain how for example a young women was seen as sensetive and not smart also, and having this both/and perspective is already the solution. I just find myself in an odd space, as people treat me at times like a dog ever since I have this injury and I feel a little weak. 

A lot of asian people that come here and immigrant children ask me gaslighting type questions and make gaslighting type statements and put me into this underdog category. How far am I supposed to isolate myself? As there is not much I can do besides moving again, I am not living in a space with so many toxic turkish and arabic people, and this is a general complaint I've heared about this region.

It's like 90% of people are narccisitcs use me a scapegoat for narccisitc tendencies as I do have some sure, they are all within the healthy range as far as I can tell. I'll open a new thread, this is just not good. 

This should spread some awareness, it's like they are searching for evidence and attacking me and it's close to 80-90% I interact with.

49 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Yea that's how pretty much gaslighting works. I have dealt with this. 

How did you find a solution for this? Besides giving oneself space in that sense and to focus on the positive side of things and leave the manipulator etc.? I found new strategies to implement, yet a lot of these are like sub-conscious attacks and snipping it's not easy to deal with this.

[Tyler Robinson]

6 minutes ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

How did you find a solution for this? Besides giving oneself space in that sense and to focus on the positive side of things and leave the manipulator etc.? I found new strategies to implement, yet a lot of these are like sub-conscious attacks and snipping it's not easy to deal with this.

You need to empower yourself to not be discouraged by the people who do that to you. It takes a lot of internal strength. Not pay focus or attention to it. Always tell yourself the opposite of what they are saying. Build your own confidence. Your own confidence is your shield for your life. Don't rely on them for support. Depend on your own self for life. 

Basically it comes down to self building, self love, self empowerment and self compassion. 

The more you keep loving yourself the less impact others will have on you. 

This is a process not a destination and it takes a lot of effort but it's worth it in the end. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

12 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Basically it comes down to self building, self love, self empowerment and self compassion. 

Thanks for the encouragement! Yes, this is 100% it it's just odd, as I am naturally more confident as many others and willing to be open and loving, I also attract during dates and in friendships (true friendships) very open and loveing human beigns. I will soon do a shamanic breathing therapy sessions and finally work out these kinks. 

This is actually very strong advice and helpful thank you for that! I really feel it!

For me it'sthe more I keep loving myself the more I am at the brink of sanity as these emotions are so powerful it is like I am stepping into the divine, and others sense this a lot and become skeptical and abrasive. 

Thanks this will definitely help the meditation visualizations in terms of seeing the more positive side of things, it's very painful at times.