PD journey 2023/harsh truths

[Tyler Robinson]

The next year is going to be amazing 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

It's better to accept than fight. 

 

                  

God loves you Tyler. And that's the biggest truth 

 

I battled a lot of things in my life. Suicide, mental illness, medical issues, father's death, the loss of a pet, abusive relationships, childhood abuse and trauma, rape and sexual trauma. 

Despite all the suffering, a voice in me always wanted to live. Everyday.. 

When my father died, I promised him that no matter what, I will make it through. 

 

 

I'll remember that..... 

                                    

I'm so sick of this place. It always takes my energy two notches down. 

It's especially hard when some nagging conversation is going on on this forum 

 

I forgot. I can use the ignore option.

Just ignore a bunch of nonsensical pussies and move on. 

I'm getting increasingly tired of this forum and not wanting to be here. 

 

                       

I think I get it now. 

It's the toxic Masculine vibe of the forum that irks me.. I am used to seeing healthy forms of masculinity. 

I had a very hard working dad. 

I'm used to seeing men sweat it, not in the gym, but out in the fields, construction, mines. 

So when I see men arguing over a bunch of nonsense, it sends me in rage and triggers me. 

I don't like men who waste time, act like pussies, don't step up, play victim, aren't hard enough, aren't soft when it's required of them, play mind games, gaslight, manipulate too much, don't show moral integrity, show excessive attachment to religion or sky God, hate women, don't show passion, don't step in to help a woman but just watch, don't act assertive, don't take charge, take shit from a woman, engage in gossip, encourage bro culture, don't have lonewolf energy, can't handle things on their own, don't show anger in a healthy way, act too emotional when it's not called for. 

Nah..... That's not a man in my eyes. 

These things trigger me and get me angry at men who act like that. Abhorrent. 

                                  

This forum is definitely masculine, without doubt, but it's that insecure lame incel masculine, the type of masculine you can never admire. 

That's why it is triggering me so much because all my life I have always been appreciating and seeking healthy Masculinity

                           

I can never like or admire men who sit on the couch, play video games, watch porn all day, play shitty metal music, pump in the gym just for likes on FB, eat potato chips, smokes all day, complain about women, never have a vision in life 

 

That's a no.. I see these men as boys who never became men. 

I am not talking about building wealth. 

But it's nice to see a man having something to do with his life, making decent money, has his own space and dignity, doesn't get into fights, plays video games only in free time, has no alcohol/smoking addiction, works hard physically instead of going to gym and has a vision for the world, Something that he desires and wants. 

                                 

 

I'm going to kinda leave the forum today and just focus on journaling. 

I'm tired of the BS forum politics. I know I have said this many times but everytime I wake up I forget that I promised myself to leave the forum. I'm in a half sleepy state and unaware that I had said the same thing the previous day. 

The forum is too lame and toxic and my first step towards my own development should be to dissociate from the toxicity of this place. To get away from it and to not forget this that this is a lame ass place that serious people can never be too long in a place like this.. Everyone here is only for clout except a few serious journalers. 

Rest are bullshitters looking for a good time and they hate me because I don't give them that good time. 

 

                              

 

Augurge

 

 

                          

Edited December 10, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

                                   

I think my most important question concern or worry is this. 

                                 

Don't take life too literally. Take it as a learning. 

 

                         

Have you ever experienced deep pain and sorrow and like you were in a bottomless pit, then suddenly when you have hit rock bottom, everything comes flooding to you, all the love from your ancestors, from all the people who ever loved you and genuinely respected you, and they just hit you like a wave and give you all that love again and tell you to be strong and it's a watershed moment. 

                                

 

Edited December 10, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Finally my God I can breathe. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

What are the pillars for an insecure attachment style?

• Low-ego-awareness
• Low trauma awareness
• Low emotional literacy
• Low emotional self-regulation
• Higher in neuroticism and rumination
• Higher in disagreeableness
• Higher in submissiveness or extremes in either end  
• Higher in conformity, so give in to peer pressure, others manipulations, what another may say about your relationship, etc
• Low in communication ability 
• Low in dispute resolution ability 
• Low in desire for peace
• Low in desire to resolve conflict 
• Ego areas: low in self-honesty, self-connectedness and self-acceptance and a final interesting one, the ability to control and be controlled, as relationships require the health of this to some degree 
• Higher in selfishness 
• Higher in codependence
• Lower in impulse control 
• Higher in sex drive but lower impulse control
• Higher in trust issues especially around love
• Lower in sentimentality
• Lower in openness to experience

Lower in conscientiousness

Lower in honesty-humility 

Lower in extroversion of inner world 

Less educated, poorer diet and exercise

Lower in existential alignments from life purpose to otherwise

• Have any pre-existing mental illness, not that you’re wrong or bad for having it but as a minimum it’ll be difficult for someone to open up about it
• Have less good friends 
• Lower in critical thinking 
• Lower in long term planning
• Higher in drug and alcohol use (generally speaking)
• Lower in empathy - a person won’t even be able to properly empathize with why they need to change for another person and they won’t even choose the right person to help them through that 
• Unsupportive partner
• Unsupportive family/parents 
• Fixed mindset as opposed to a growth mindset 
• Live in a third world country or an area with either a higher crime rate or where lower social standards are tolerated 
• Have an addiction of some kind
• Use social media especially the more you use it - it’s designed after all to make someone feel insecure so they then use it more
• Be a caffeine drinker as opposed to say green teas 
• Be higher in interpersonal aggression, so in your close relationships. That needs to be changed if you got that by any degree. 
• Lower in patience or easily frustrated —- take up an activity that is going to train you here and in other points 
• You against the world. Be more antisocial, the more antisocial you try to be the more trust issues will manifest and the more safe insecurities will feel but the more imprisoned you’ll be by them. 
• Make excuses for either why you don’t have problems or why you do but can’t do anything about them 
• Blame other people more than simply appraising situations accurately, candidly and without the need to gain something in return outside of the knowledge of reality to those ends 
• Avoid responsibility including of your own emotions and the effect potential negative ones have on your personal well-being 
• Feel the need to be the victim in the relationship, for example the victim vs rescuer dynamic. Eventually for things to become secure, reality appraisal needs to occur where things become increasingly more interdependent with a natural symmetry in the masculine and feminine. This makes me think of Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne. Insecure dynamics and transactional styles that mirror this are repeated in the underlying fear of abandonment or dissolving of the relationship I.e if there is nothing to “fix”.
• A lack of awareness over what healthy relational styles and relationships actually look like. This lack of exposure makes you think your default is automatically right perhaps say simply because it’s given you results in the past but perhaps the partner doesn’t know how to carefully confront you about it because they know you or neither of you are equipped to handle the conflict that would result 
• Being secretive. In a relationship this just doesn’t really make sense, it means there’s other reasons why you’re in the relationship outside of interfacing with another like being to aid one another of say the progression of each other’s consciousness. For most it’s just bang each other and then mediation in between banging where there isn’t conflict as there isn’t very deep value discernment. Being secretive also points to the previous “antisocial”, trust issues and lack of healthy communication or at a minimum the space for it. Secretiveness equals a need to hide underlying insecurities by definition. At least I guess that’s what it seems like most of the time.
• Attention and validation seeking where it isn’t in a trusted, healing, growth oriented relationship. So many people are like that, they’ll treat the validation and approval of some random stranger just as valuable sometimes even more valuable than their intimate connection. It’s a massive red flag. The opinions of people outside of a  well trusted context shouldn’t matter. That’s the whole purpose of building a trusted context so that you can trust the person and not have to worry about other people especially randoms… or fandoms sometimes it’s them ha. If you’re attention and validation seeking at all it means you’re unable to self love and if you’re unable to seek that in the intimate connection that’s built on many healthy pillars it means you have an insecure attachment. For many people they may know they’re insecure and do this but they’re so insecure they’d rather not change and instead stick to that unhealthy dynamic even though the seeking of validation from the external like that undermines the basis for any genuine connection. Many pickup artists for example base their entire “game” around their ability to undermine a woman’s integrity in this way by figuring out how to get her to win the guys approval. Many pickup artists as well are playing the same game of trying to win approval by getting the attention of a woman they deem “hot”. This is what creates unhealthy dynamics for the women as well because then they treat themselves in that objectified way. Somewhere along the line they all forget they were just kids once playing around without a care in the world.
• Having online relationships but not able to convert those online relationships into real life connections as a part of keeping people at a healthy distance. 
• Insecure attachment style means that a person is going to do everything under the sun they care to that falls outside what looks like a healthy attachment. From manipulation to gaslighting to irrational fears and more and because it’s within their normality it’s what you have to put up with. If a person isn’t serious about working on their attachment style and becoming emotionally mature where they are able to recognise you in the same way you recognise their sovereignty you need to start questioning your own attachment style. So this one is two-fold. Low emotional maturity on the one hand and or you’re entertaining relationships with others where low emotional maturity is tolerated. We can have relationships of all kinds but the boundaries need to be clear and the discernment for those boundaries so they’re done in a healthy and introspective way are done intelligently.

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I'm feeling anxious again. I simply cannot deal with obsession because of my severe social anxiety. It sends me into total panic. 

I don't like someone talking about. 

Even in social settings in real life, I get up and leave when I find people talking about me. 

And mean words can really make me feel very uncomfortable and panicky. 

I was bullied all through my school years and my mother was biggest bully. 

It resurfaces my trauma. 

I get agitated, vexatious and uncomfortable when someone comes to close to me. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Thanks. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Taken from Edvardas journal - 

 

Medicine for enlightenment:

 

• Strong intention to remain aware throughout all daily activities.
• One to two one hour walks in nature per day. Pushups every morning. Stretching however feels natural.
•  No clubs, no parties. Only work-related activities around once per quarter. It's boring and dry. Suffer through it. The goal is juicy enough to make it worth it. Failure is not acceptable. 
• Diet - organic fruits, nuts, veggies, honey, vitamin D3, shitake, oyster, reishi shroom capsules, chlorella, spirulina.  No cheating, except when visiting family.
• Everything organic - toothpaste, shower gel, lip balm, etc. Mainly Dr.Bonners stuff. R/O water only. 
• Remain ecological in most areas.
• No more new clothes, except a CG coat - just upgraded all wardrobe, have enough for years. 
• No big purchases in general - all comfort levels are taken care of. Can upgrade the crib or buy a new one after enlightenment. Remain a minimalist. Remain financially independant. Never trust banks.
• All internet activities strictly prohibited, except what is needed for work and Spotify for sacral music. Cutting off this forum as well, even though I think it's the best place there is online for spiritual people to communicate.
• No more psychadelics - they served in motivating, opening my eyes to Truth and revealing what awaits, but failed to raise my baseline. They also tend to lead to bad decisions. Might use in the future for mind-blowing sex.
• Only have sex with pure souls. Self-respect. Also, sex might transfer karmic memory, be careful.
• Reduce contemplation and manifestation. Best time for manifestation is upon waking and before going to sleep. The deeper the samadhi, the stronger the will. Both of these are wonderful, but not when you want to wake up for good.  
• No more reading, it activates the intellect too much. An exception is made for ACIM.   
• In dealing with others - strictly no conflict. An exception is made for unavoidable physical confrontation - then let loose those hands, do not turn the other cheek.
• I saw clearly that 99.99% of people are fake and selfish, even those who say they are empathic. Introversion. Stay under the radar.
• Don't plan to teach ever - it activates the intellect, there is no one to teach and I do not enjoy it. I believe most in their final lifetimes do not teach. I might teach my soulmate if she is not enlightened when we meet. However, if life clearly shows that I should teach - I will not resist.

Execute.

 

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I like how he says - have sex with only pure souls. 

And how sex might transfer karmic memory. 

Yea it does feel that way sometimes. 

I had an intense karmic experience so i know what that means. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I want to see what's waiting for me in 2023.

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

My new year resolutions and goals 

• To get good sleep and cure my insomnia
• To work on my health and become fit again 
• Not waste time in relationships 
• Create a stable routine 
• Develop a strong self care regimen 
• Recover from my mental health problems 
• Look for community work
• Look for a new job.
• Learn how to deal with a narcissist or find an exit strategy 
• Connect with God 
• Implement my spirituality skills and techniques I learned over the last 4 years. 
• Develop a flair at writing 
•  

 

[Tyler Robinson]

2022 was wasted in dealing with a lot of crap. 

I was fine till mid 2021.

The Corona thing was making me very lonely. 

I weathered that somehow the same way other people did.

Then I fell in love and had a relationship for the latter half of 2021.

This continued into 2022 and I began to suffer depression. 

I got Covid twice in the early months of 2022. That had me bedridden for a few months. 

Following which I had a massive painful breakup that almost shook me and drained every ounce out of me. I was at my end. The next month I was diagnosed with bpd and it felt like one storm hitting after another. 

And then I fell in love again and this time it was just solid all consuming love. It was a huge emotional roller coaster. At the end of it I went into temporary insanity because I couldn't deal with back to back breakups. I was tired and suicidal during this time. The months were June, July and August and these were full of anxiety and frustration. 

October saw me recovering back to normal but it was still a difficult time for me. 

Too much stress from my family.

Finally it was December and there was some bullying going on on the forum 

I tried to recover my mental strength and I never had the chance to focus on my health. My family makes it difficult to get anything done. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

The breakup happened in the month of March 

I think for some reason I had to go through some terrible experiences last year and this year to figure out what love is and how worthless humanity is. I had to figure out self love and relationship abuse. 

Hitherto I had always believed that love existed and that I had to only find it and that my past mistakes prevented me from experiencing love. I guess I had to go all the way for the universe to teach me. So I went full circle with it. First it was a series of breakups that had me very scared and angry at men. I had begun to hate men due to those turbulent relationship experiences. 

Then came a temporary lull that lasted almost 10 months and gave me time to reflect on the narcissistic abuse I suffered. I did a lot of narcissistic abuse research during this time. I 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

After those 10 months had passed peacefully I was slowly getting back to my self. This was August 2021 and this was the first time I fell in love again, this time ready to trust someone after a long break. I thought the trail of abusive relationships in my life had come to an end. 

Little did I know.

My next relationship that lasted 6 months put me in a chokehold. My trust was betrayed. 

This period, although quite brutal taught me an awful lot about life, love, relationships and the world. It was painful, anxious, depressing yet the hardest lessons were learned during this time. 

Never to trust again unless someone is really invested in you. 

And that trust is the only commodity that should be given sparingly. 

I hope that the new year is tender on me. Tenderness is what I need now. 

I was pushed to my limit. 

-->  <--

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by Tyler Robinson