Reflecting on my next steps

[Ves]

Hi. I'm typing this as a forum post because it would be nice to have some input or wisdom from other people. I'll try to keep it relatively concise, though I fear it might evolve into an oversharing blog post.

Some background: I'm 23. I have one semester left in my university studies. My home life didn't exactly set me up for anything—my dad has a traumatic brain injury and my mom has autism. They both work low-level jobs like call centers or at Walmart. I was able to move out at 18, work a lot while going to community college for math, save up a lot of money, then somehow get accepted to the University of Texas (in mathematics); with a full ride, due to the fact that my parents are poor. Moreover, my two roommates and I bought a house together in Austin, immediately before Elon declared he was building his cybertruck factory here (it has since appreciated in value considerably, but the profit will be split between the three of us).

Since I began community college at 19, I thought that I wanted to go to graduate school and do my PhD in math. I was able to get into an undergraduate research program (in geometric group theory) last summer, and our preprint has recently been accepted for publication. At this REU, I met a girl and we have since fallen in love. She is a double major in compsci and math and graduates at the same time as me, she has a 6-figures programming job lined up after graduation. We are currently in a long-distance relationship as the REU was deliberately comprised of people from all over the nation.

The Uncertainty: As I did more math, it started to get substantially less meaningful to me. It very quickly gets so abstract that you can no longer talk about it with anybody in a meaningful way; during my last semester, in my graduate course, it began to feel highly contrived and disconnected from anything helpful to society. Moreover, during this time in university, I spontaneously developed insomnia for almost two years and got seriously burnt out (it has just recently improved a lot).

I no longer want to go to graduate school—it would require 6 more years of my life dedicated to problems that feel ridiculously contrived, followed by a lengthy time trying to climb the academia ladder. From my time at the REU, I learned there are people much younger, smarter, and better than me at math. I would not be a luminary academic or anything. I have a strong internal sense that I could spend six years in a better way. Yet, I have no idea what to do in absence of this, other than planning to move in with my girlfriend as soon as I can (this is where I fully noticed the downside of buying a house with 2 other people: if you want to leave, they have to have an alternative living situation lined up. Regardless, I think it will work out fairly well, and I can be out around this time next year).

I really hate the idea of working a desk job. I had a desk job as my first job when I was 18, and it was so miserably depressing that I quit after 6 weeks—it caused my back to constantly hurt from all the sitting and it was generally soulless. This makes all programming jobs very unappealing to me, despite the fact that with half a year of training, I could probably land a pretty good one. Though if I was going to go this route, I would get my masters in Data Science.

My girlfriend has offered to simply be the sole breadwinner for us both, as she makes so much, but this idea is very unnerving to me. At the same time, she is an unreasonably good partner, and so it might not actually be so damaging to the relationship (I am highly confident that she means this when she says it). In any case, I could still work a small amount to pay rent, and not be completely dependent on her. This additionally has the advantage of being completely able to focus on my own pursuits (which are, as of yet, undetermined).

Uncertainty tl;dr: Basically, I would like to do something that I have some passion for but that doesn't completely abandon my past accomplishments: I should have a BSc in Math with a 4.0 GPA after next semester, a publication, and probably $30k-50k in profit from selling my house. It feels like all industry pursuits for mathematicians are desk jobs in some way. Also, I would have to simply work for a company, which sounds very unappealing to me.

Maybe the best option is just to get a high-paying programming job, work it for 5 years and save all of my money, then leave.

[Devin]

work, working for others, desk jobs(get a desk that will move to standing position), is not bad. Once you figure out the job it becomes the cathartic part of your day and week, it becomes like a break from your adventurous weekends, as odd as it sounds it's relieving to take a break from your personal venture and go to work.

don't think your work is your life

just don't get an overtime job, 40 hrs is fine. Hire someone to mow the grass, a house cleaner once in a while if need be, etc... don't blow your money and you'll have all the time you need for everything you want to do.

Edited December 8, 2022 by Devin

[Ves]

11 hours ago, Devin said:

work, working for others, desk jobs(get a desk that will move to standing position), is not bad. Once you figure out the job it becomes the cathartic part of your day and week, it becomes like a break from your adventurous weekends, as odd as it sounds it's relieving to take a break from your personal venture and go to work.

don't think your work is your life

just don't get an overtime job, 40 hrs is fine. Hire someone to mow the grass, a house cleaner once in a while if need be, etc... don't blow your money and you'll have all the time you need for everything you want to do.

You have a good point, I think. Especially if I can do a work-from-home type job, which are increasingly more common.

However, I feel a strong internal sense to start something on my own as well. It’s just hard to know whether I should attempt to do it now, or whether I should work until I’m, say, near 30 first.

[Devin]

@Ves well, in your first post you mentioned your personal pursuits are yet to be determined, so i imagine this feeling to do your own thing is from feeling social pressure like most people in this generation to be some superstar at something; if you had some grand passion i would encourage you to go for it, but I think the 'superstar' thing is a 'trap'.

Enjoy life Ves, every little thing, live now, not for some trophyesque pursuit, living now instead will actually be what get's you the most grand 'trophy'(actually realizing you already have it), as counter as it is to what society compels us to believe, and will wind up still being a superstar life. *But also, by live now i do not mean travelling, partying, .... type of shallow 'live now'; your career, the desk job, enjoy that life, appreciate the small things, learn and grow, but have your cake and eat it too

i recommend contemplating about why you feel that 'internal sense', and if you feel any other 'internal senses', and meditate a little bit before and after. Preferably having eaten well that day or fasted if you do that, and having done some yoga, to have a clearer mind.

Edited December 8, 2022 by Devin

[Verg0]

Sounds like Leo's life purpose course could provide some value to gain some clarity

[Ves]

2 hours ago, Devin said:

@Ves well, in your first post you mentioned your personal pursuits are yet to be determined, so i imagine this feeling to do your own thing is from feeling social pressure like most people in this generation to be some superstar at something; if you had some grand passion i would encourage you to go for it, but I think the 'superstar' thing is a 'trap'.

I guess that's the thing. At one point, I did have a grand passion. I spent all of my time for several years doing pure math and became pretty good at it as a result. Good enough to publish as an undergrad, at least. Now that I realize how much of my life would be eaten up by struggling to comprehend increasingly meaningless complex abstractions if I go into academia, I am less interested in it. Thus, the passion has collapsed, but there is nothing left in its wake and so I feel sort of directionless. Of course, I am still going to college so it's not as if I am actually directionless, yet. I just don't know what comes next and I have no grander vision like I used to.

11 minutes ago, Verg0 said:

Sounds like Leo's life purpose course could provide some value to gain some clarity

Maybe you're right. I think it's reasonably expensive though. I've slowly depleted my savings over the years of going to college because math at university is so difficult that I can only work 15 hours a week—just enough to pay my bills. I'll keep this in mind for the future, though.

[Devin]

@Ves I'd look for a good job you could get with your education, that at least has a little interest to you. Your job is not your life though, in my opinion it is of small consequence.

i have a friend that is a statistician; math job, just masters degree

Edited December 8, 2022 by Devin

[Ves]

1 hour ago, Devin said:

@Ves I'd look for a good job you could get with your education, that at least has a little interest to you. Your job is not your life though, in my opinion it is of small consequence.

i have a friend that is a statistician; math job, just masters degree

This is probably what I'll end up doing. I do want to start some sort of business or independent venture of my own at some point, though. It's just hard to know 1) specifically what I should do, as well as 2) when to do it. I have an idea in my mind of creating youtube content. Perhaps I can do that on the side, even if I have a job.

It probably makes the most sense at this point to work a job with good pay for awhile, and acquire a lot of capital/financial independence.

Edited December 8, 2022 by Ves

[Devin]

@Ves don't sell your life though for that 'a lot of capital/financial independence', i would avoid long term overtime jobs. I added to my second post if you didn't see, it fits in here also.

Edited December 8, 2022 by Devin

[Ves]

5 hours ago, Devin said:

@Ves don't sell your life though for that 'a lot of capital/financial independence', i would avoid long term overtime jobs. I added to my second post if you didn't see, it fits in here also.

Well, in some sense, getting a full-time job to do some math-related work for an arbitrary company already feels like selling my life. I will avoid working overtime, though, considering I already don't want to work full-time.

[Devin]

57 minutes ago, Ves said:

Well, in some sense, getting a full-time job to do some math-related work for an arbitrary company already feels like selling my life. I will avoid working overtime, though, considering I already don't want to work full-time.

i suggest you contemplate why you think that's selling your life, i think that's some social programming that's been going around.

 

[flowboy]

@Ves  Sounds like neither your childhood nor your academic pursuits have left you much time or freedom to find out what you're actually passionate about.

Time to reclaim that.

Life purpose course?

If you need/want to work now, then maybe joining a startup is better, since you're closer to the mission, and if it's a mission you can get behind, you'll feel more passionate.