Social Anxiety

[Olafur Thorsteinsson]

Here is a good idea to get rid of social anxiety

Take paper and pen and start righting down all the things that you find hard to do in social situation.

Now these became your goals to do in social situations.

You are now going to rank eatch one of them from 1 to 10 of difficulty for you.

Next you make a list that is like a stair. You right the easyest on the top of your page, next the secont most easyest, and you will right the most difficould on the bottom.

And now it's preactice time. You start accomplishing the easiest and then the secont most easiest, until you have accomlish them all.

Next you create a new list and accomplis that list until you have gotten rid of all of you social anxiety fears.

- Óli

 

[Olafur Thorsteinsson]

Here is exsample:

• I am afraid of the clubs. 2
• I am afraid of talking to Jane in school. What if she dose not like me? 7
• I am afraid of what other people think of me if I dance. 3
• I am afraid of people thinking that I am a jerk. 8
• I am afraid that my frend will think that I am stuppid if I tell them that I am meditating. 4
• I am afraid that my parents will dislike me if I tell them that I don't believe in god. 5
• I am afraid of what other people think of me. 9
• I am afraid of having convertations with strangers. 6
• I am afraid of other people thinking that I am weird. 8
• I am afraid of what other people think of me if I tell them what I feel and why. 9
• I am afraid of what that other people won't like me for me being me. 10

Next wright them down in order:

• I am afraid of the clubs. 2
• I am afraid of what other people think of me if I dance. 3
• I am afraid that my frend will think that I am stuppid if I tell them that I am meditating. 4
• I am afraid that my parents will dislike me if I tell them that I don't believe in god. 5
• I am afraid of having convertations with strangers. 6
• I am afraid of talking to Jane in school. What if she dose not like me? 7
• I am afraid of people thinking that I am a jerk. 8
• I am afraid of other people thinking that I am weird. 8
• I am afraid of what other people judging me bad. 9
• I am afraid of what other people think of me if I tell them what I feel and why. 9
• I am afraid of what that other people won't like me for me being me. 10

Next is coming up with a plan:

• I am afraid of the clubs: I will go with my friends to the clubs friday and sunday this week
• I am afraid of what other people think of me if I dance: This week when I go to the clubs with my friends than I am going to danse a little bit on the friday, and I am going to danse more on the sunday
• I am afraid that my frend will think that I am stuppid if I tell them that I am meditating. I am going to tell my friend that I am meditatiing and telling them from all of the benifits of meditation
• I am afraid that my parents will dislike me if I tell them that I don't believe in god: sit down with my parents alone when there is a good mood in them and tell them that I don't believe in god and why
• I am afraid of having convertations with strangers: next time whe I go to the clubs with my friends,  than I will approatch some strangers and start taking to them and having fun with them
• I am afraid of talking to Jane in school. What if she dose not like me?: I am going to talk to Jane at school and ask her out with me
• I am afraid of other people thinking that I am weird. go to some starbucs and when it is time for me to order my coffy, then I am going to stand there  as long as I can looking at the list of things they have and make every body get anoyed of me
• I am afraid of what other people judging me bad: next time when I go to the clubs with my friends than I will talk to strangers and once in a while I will make a animal sound while I am having a convertation with them
• I am afraid of what other people think of me if I tell them what I feel and why: if I am feeling angry, than I tell somebody from it and why, and I do not try to hide it. If I fell depresst, then I tell somebody from it and why. If I feel happy, than I tell somebody from it with a smile on my face, and why I feel so damm happy.
• I am afraid of what that other people won't like me for me being me: I am going to tell people the truth about me. I am going to tell the truth to everyone that I have ever lied to. I am going to tell people from the things that I find interestin and funny, not what I think they find interesting and funny. if somebody asks me a personal question, then I am going to answer it honestly. I am going to become honest and congruent person.

If people like me, good. If people don't like me, good.

heads I win. Tails I win.

Now go and do your home work. You know that you will grow from it and that this is just what you want.

P.S. It would be great if you would share your goals here

 

 

[Mooders]

This is a great excersise but for me I find it hard to write a list like this. I have had social anxiety and anxiety in general for almost half of my time alive and a good rule of thumb i have is if i come across something that makes me anxious I should just do it anyway. At first it was really hard and i had to force myself to do it but before long it became my immediate reaction to anything that made me anxious until i began to associate the feeling of anxiousness with progress and now when something makes me anxious i get satisfaction from the feeling at the same time. 

Its wierd but hey, keep at it  

[cena655]

Thank you, man! I was planning to start this method recently, but I wasn't sure if it would work out for me.

But you completely motivated me to try it out.

 

[BHL_20]

On 2/7/2016 at 11:21 PM, Ólafur Tryggvi Þorsteinsso said:

• I am afraid of other people thinking that I am weird. go to some starbucs and when it is time for me to order my coffy, then I am going to stand there  as long as I can looking at the list of things they have and make every body get anoyed of me
• I am afraid of what other people judging me bad: next time when I go to the clubs with my friends than I will talk to strangers and once in a while I will make a animal sound while I am having a convertation with them

Those were my favourite.  

Do people here find that the anxiety eventually goes away when you do things like this? A few times when I tried doing weird things just for the sake of overcoming my anxiety, I was just embarrassed of them afterwards.

[Olafur Thorsteinsson]

7 hours ago, BHL_20 said:

Those were my favourite.  

Do people here find that the anxiety eventually goes away when you do things like this? A few times when I tried doing weird things just for the sake of overcoming my anxiety, I was just embarrassed of them afterwards.

hahahaha

I know that it is a littel bit of embarrassed the first time you do it.

The point with excercises like these is to prove to yourself that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you can be yourself. just think about it for a moment. You are nerwous about being yourself, so you fake it and you trying to make people like you with saying or doing things that you think they like. If you exacly can be okay with doing weird stuff in crowded palces, if you do stuff that makes you more nerwous to do than being yourself, than in the end it will not be a problem for you to be yourself.

it's like jumping into the wild ocean and trying to learn to swim there while people are pushing you around, than after learning to swim in the ocean, it will be easy for him to jump in the swiming pool. He will feel like he is pleying around in the kids pool.

Maybe you know it logically that it is not important what other people are thinking about you, but still it some how matters to you, until you have gaind the reference experience of that it is not improtant what those apes think of you.

When you reach the point where it does not matter to you what other people are thinking about you. Only then you can do what you want to do, and say what you want to say, without thinking "what do they think of me if I do this, or if I say this, maybe they will like it more if I say it this way". It is awsome experience to be able to be youself with out other people affecting you, even if you get a negative criticism. This is high self-esteem.

I still am on my journey of reaching higher self-esstem

[Olafur Thorsteinsson]

Another cool exercise to release social anxiety and to become more social skilled.

1. Wright down all your limiting believes in social situation that you can find
2. Wright down all the believes that the ideal human being/"you" has in social situations
3. Make goals to to become that Ideal you

Example from me personally:

My limiting believes in social situation:

• What I have to say has to be perfect
• Every body needs to give me approval in order for me to feel happy
• For me it is really important to get approval (it feels like that)
• If some cool kid sees me talking to the weird kids than he will think that I am a weirdo
• I am not very funny
• I feel like I need to impress other people
• I am not that interesting because I do a lot of weird stuff that the other kids do not do. Things like meditation, yoga, learning personal development, pick up.

The believes of my ideal self:

• I am funny
• I am interesting
• I am here to give my opinion, not to impress others
• Trying to hard to fit in with the cool kids is a low conscious  behavior
• I can have fun with anyone 
• I don't judge people as cool or weird
• I say thins that I find fun. I say thins that I find interesting
• I am attractive
• If they like me, good. if they don't like me, good. heads, I win. tails, I win.
• I am here to have fun and talk about things that I find funny and interesting
• I love socializing

Goals to become my ideal self:

• watch the video on "how to be funny" from Leo and do the exercises. When I am socializing with people, I am always trying to find the funny things to say or do, and don't take yourself seriously. Important: "Find things that I find funny". (Trying to find funny things for other people to lough at is a form of people pleasing mentality)
• I only talk about things that I find interesting, even if I know that other people might think I am weird for doing it or will not except me. (I can do stair goals for this goal). 
• I am going to be open and tell the truth to everyone. watch the video "How you lie" and read the book "radical openhandedness" and do the exercises. (I can do stair goals for this goal). This is a good exercise to gain reference experiences to "it doesn't matter what other people think of me". 
• Tell your friends that have social anxiety too from that they can improve socially. I f they do not want to improve themselves, then spent less time with them and find friends that are doing personal development. (you tend to be the average of the 5 people that you hangout the most with). 
• Stop judging people of being cool or weird, and start talk to everyone and have fun with everyone. "You don't have to be on the cool table to have fun, you can be on what ever table that is there and have as much fun there as you would have with the cool kids" because you know you are funny interesting and cool. Whats the video "how to stop judging yourself" from Leo and do the exercises. 
• Gaining reference experiences of "it doesn't matter what other people think of me". Go to Club and do some weird shit there. (in general, people don't care what you do in club, because it is a fucking club and that's why it is the best place to practice this.
• Think about your death. You know that you life is short and do you really want to be living your life this way? do I really want to be living my life  in fear of what other people think of me when I got this short time to live? (what other people thought of me when I will be in my grave will not be important then because I will already be dead which means that what other people think of me now is not important) 

Now rank each goal on how important to you it is and wright it in the order of importance.

1. watch the video on "how to be funny" from Leo and do the exercises. When I am socializing with people, I am always trying to find the funny things to say or do, and don't take yourself seriously. Important: "Find things that I find funny". (Trying to find funny things for other people to lough at is a form of people pleasing mentality)
2. I am going to be open and tell the truth to everyone. watch the video "How you lie" and read the book "radical openhandedness" and do the exercises. (I can do stair goals for this goal). This is a good exercise to gain reference experiences to "it doesn't matter what other people think of me".
3. Gaining reference experiences of "it doesn't matter what other people think of me". Go to Club and do some weird shit there. (in general, people don't care what you do in club, because it is a fucking club and that's why it is the best place to practice this.
4. Tell your friends that have social anxiety too from that they can improve socially. I f they do not want to improve themselves, then spent less time with them and find friends that are doing personal development. (you tend to be the average of the 5 people that you hangout the most with). 
5. I only talk about things that I find interesting, even if I know that other people might think I am weird for doing it or will not except me. (I can do stair goals for this goal). 
6. Stop judging people of being cool or weird, and start talk to everyone and have fun with everyone. "You don't have to be on the cool table to have fun, you can be on what ever table that is there and have as much fun there as you would have with the cool kids" because you know you are funny interesting and cool. Whats the video "how to stop judging yourself" from Leo and do the exercises. 
7. Think about your death. You know that you life is short and do you really want to be living your life this way? do I really want to be living my life  in fear of what other people think of me when I got this short time to live? (what other people thought of me when I will be in my grave will not be important then because I will already be dead which means that what other people think of me now is not important) 

 

The golden rule: Telling other people from things that you find interesting, other people tend to get interest into it also. Telling other people something you find funny, than other people tend to lough at it too.

Tip 1: We are always looking outside into our environment on other people and specially on the most assertive and the most dominant people, what they think, what they do, what they believe, and we tend to think, do, and believe the same things. When someone finds something really interesting, then we tend to be interested into it too. When someone find something really funny, than we tend to find it funny too because we are always looking outside into the environment.

This is way it is so important for you to handout with people that are doing personal development and not with you friends that have social fears and do not want to work on them.

Tip 2: Knowing this now, you can impact others in more powerful way then before. "It is about how you say it, not what you say". When you are telling someone from something funny thing that you find funny, then explain it to him in a funny way, but some energy into it, but your voice into it, and your body, and lough like it is the funniest think ever. The same think when you are telling something from a thing that you find interesting, like meditation. You tell him from it in a interesting way and you are putting your voice into it, your body, and he will tend to find it meditation interesting thing. If he does not find meditation interesting, than he will become weird to you in a way, and now you know that you won't be spending much time with him, because he is not interesting to you. 

[Jelly_Shades]

Over these past years in my life, I have had this problem where I have a lot of trouble connecting to people. I have social anxiety on top of this, which is getting better with time and I have seen a major improvement with this in this past year. However, as my fear of social situation is vanishing, I am still left with a problem which is that I have a hard time talking to most people. It could be caused by habits in my mind which are left behind due to living with anxiety for a long time, but I am speculating that it might just be because I do not share enough interests with the common person. Small talk is difficult most of the time and I never really feel myself wanting to hop inside an ongoing conversation, I always have to force it. 

But when people are talking about deeper things, such as psychological subjects, I really feel like I want to be a part and add my own views and experiences and hear what other people think. 

Because of this, I end up being the very distant one. I feel very alone on this. The school I'm going to, and the many before, everyone seem to be able to make a connection to someone. People share hugs, laughs, jokes cause they are able to engage with each other more naturally than me. I feel like I don't know how to do this, I can't engage with them, and in return they do not engage with me. I cannot get this two way street to work correctly. 

It could just be something else that's going to dissolve over time as I get better and more assertive, but I was wondering if anyone else was dealing with this?

[Olafur Thorsteinsson]

@Jelly_Shades

Yes, I am dealing with this too. I have seen big growth in my socializing the past 1 year when I went to Brazil as an Exchange student. It was a great experience and from there I got the biggest growth that I have gotten in my life.

I can tell you one thing buddy, I was for years like this, trying to get conection from the cool kids and get them to approve of me so I could get the labble "cool kide" on myself.

Now I am doing my best to not judg people, cool or weird, I will interact with everyone the same whay, be myself, be authentic, talk about things that I find interesting, and things that I find funny. That's how I get real connection is having the goal of being myself, tell people my opinions, my jokes, what I find funny, and I am not caring about impress nobody, or geting there approval. That's how Í find real conection with people that I really conect with, I don't try to connect with other people, or changes myself to conect with them. I simply am the way I am, and I am not afraid to expres myself the way I am, even though I find somethings interesting that most other people find weird, or if I say a joke that other people find dirty, and that means that they do not conect with me.

When you are neurotic about geting the conection and holding it, that is the strategy of highest percent to fail. If you are cool about how you are, expresing yourself, and you are not trying to conect with other people, then you will feel other people so desperate to conect with you because you look so cool to them and they will probably adopt things that you find interesting and funny.

I am still working on this, I am not perfect, but I am doing my best to feel happy about life and myself without alowing other people to come into my life and interrupting my happyness.

[Empty]

Just now, Olafur Thorsteinsson said:

@Jelly_Shades

Yes, I am dealing with this too. I have seen big growth in my socializing the past 1 year when I went to Brazil as an Exchange student. It was a great experience and from there I got the biggest growth that I have gotten in my life.

I can tell you one thing buddy, I was for years like this, trying to get conection from the cool kids and get them to approve of me so I could get the labble "cool kide" on myself.

Now I am doing my best to not judg people, cool or weird, I will interact with everyone the same whay, be myself, be authentic, talk about things that I find interesting, and things that I find funny. That's how I get real connection is having the goal of being myself, tell people my opinions, my jokes, what I find funny, and I am not caring about impress nobody, or geting there approval. That's how Í find real conection with people that I really conect with, I don't try to connect with other people, or changes myself to conect with them. I simply am the way I am, and I am not afraid to expres myself the way I am, even though I find somethings interesting that most other people find weird, or if I say a joke that other people find dirty, and that means that they do not conect with me.

When you are neurotic about geting the conection and holding it, that is the strategy of highest percent to fail. If you are cool about how you are, expresing yourself, and you are not trying to conect with other people, then you will feel other people so desperate to conect with you because you look so cool to them and they will probably adopt things that you find interesting and funny.

I am still working on this, I am not perfect, but I am doing my best to feel happy about life and myself without alowing other people to come into my life and interrupting my happyness.

Thanks a lot man. I am using all your tips.This is exaclty what I needed. They are helpfull indeed

Greetings from Morocoo!

Edited February 13, 2016 by An actualizer

[Olafur Thorsteinsson]

@Pankaj Gehloach  Your wlecome. Btw thanks for the books recomentation. 

I got most of mine handled, but I still got a good journey left to eliminate my anxiety's problems.

I will keep on going until I die, and I hope you also got that attitude.