Dealing With Loneliness Due To...

[Peter123]

Hi guys,

I am a 23 years old college student, been interested in personal development for about 4 years now and I became in love with learning. If you met me you would never assume I am fighting with the following issue.

I am sitting here wondering how should I put previous 23 years of my life into few sentences and to make the point very clear.

So my story is (OR the story I am telling myself?!) that I feel like I have no family whatsoever and even though I am working hard and changing things extremely slowly, this one issue is like taking pointless ten-ton bag around with me. Basically I come from a very disfunctional family, my parents hate each other (literally) and they live together (you can imagine) and my sister is long gone in a different country. As I said if you met me you would never say I deal with this issue, among people I am very social and fine, however when I come home, and not only when I come home, I can get extreme feelings of loneliness.. especially when I see all the people hanging out with family doing this and that... and even though I am working hard on my self-reliance and made significant improvement, this one is still one of my BIGGEST fears - of loneliness - because I basically have no place, no home, that if something went wrong I can safely get back to (yes, we have a house, but I feel very disconnected from my parents). I started taking life extremely seriously because I have to change it, I believe this situation can teach me something very unique  and I think I deserve more from life, however I am strugling with this issue very hard.

Its very hard to get the point across obviously, and as I re-read it,  its like 1/1000 of what else I would like to mention too, but its extremly difficult as you can imagine.

Tl,dr is that I feel strong loneliness due to disconnection with my family.

I dont even know what is my question, perhaps do you have any tips on dealing with this?
 

Thanks.

[jse]

@Peter123 , my heart goes out to you.  I came from a very dysfunctional "family" myself, and had no choice but to leave home at 16 or face life-threatening consequences.

If you really look around what is happening around the world today (eg, Syria), you will always find people (and animals) that are worse off than you are.  This can help put your life into some perspective, and take away some of that pain.

 

Edited February 26, 2017 by jse

[clytaemnestra]

I have the exact feeling. My father died, my mother is a toxic person that was an alcoholic, all others are or abroad or dead.

I accepted the situation in a way it is and I built my alternative way of living. For example, people for Christmas gather with their family and celebrate together - I go traveling and spend it with another familyless travelers. Traveling fulfills me and I feel happy when doing it. It's the same with every aspect of your life, you find for yourself an alternative solution.

I'm an introvert and I find it very hard to connect with people and make friendships. Thus, instead of expanding my social circle to 3493958 people, I just accepted it that I have one real friend, few acquaintances for occasional meetings and hobbies together and that's all. I occupy myself with work, hobbies, so I don't have a feeling of loneliness. Of course, it happens sometimes, but I try to fulfill it with another activities. 

Home is for me a place where I feel myself comfortable. You'll leave your home anyways. I'll soon be moving abroad and my aim is to build up a life in a place I'd call a home. Of course, it's hard to move abroad alone (I did already) and start everything from the very beginning in a country which language you don't speak and you don't know anyone, but when you invest your effort, it comes with a time, I guess. 

[Spiral]

If possible move to a student accommodation, preferably student dormitory.  Had a similar problem and moving really helped

Edited February 26, 2017 by Spiral
grammar

[Loreena]

Moving out really helps. Be practical. Look at everything practically and not emotionally. Be strong and get out of the rut. Don't give up. It's not loneliness, it's deprivation. Make friends and engage with people. Add humour to your life to forget the dysfunction. Love yourself and heal yourself. Once you begin to love yourself, your loneliness will fly out the window. Take care.

[Peter123]

Thank you guys for your words.

I do not want to sound like I own world problems. There sure are people way, way worse off than I am. I pretty much made huge improvement, I, although not as specificly, but roughly know my purpose, have vision of my ideal life, know what I want..

But this is the biggest challenge for me I think right now. Also I am at home only on weekends or around holidays since I do live in student dormitory (and indeed it is super helpful), but this is one of the issues as well. I have been like this since highschool and pretty much lost every friend in my hometown so when I get there I am 90% of the time at home with parents, although its just two days I always get back with so much negativity.

Its very hard to explain and I pretty much know what I need to do, it is just that these feelings of loneliness are eating me alive. 

I have been improving my relationship skills too  - and I still have problems to connect with people on a more deeper level. It might be part of that I live in different city etc. or maybe I just tell this to myself. OH I wish I knew, theres lots to be learned. But again I feel like this disconnection from family is the bottom line here.

Anyways I wont solve this here online so maybe I am just asking for advice from people who can relate - how do you cope when moments of loneliness arise.

And by the way, I am not native english speaker so please apologize my grammar mistakes.

[Peter123]

6 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Moving out really helps. Be practical. Look at everything practically and not emotionally. Be strong and get out of the rut. Don't give up. It's not loneliness, it's deprivation. Make friends and engage with people. Add humour to your life to forget the dysfunction. Love yourself and heal yourself. Once you begin to love yourself, your loneliness will fly out the window. Take care.

This is very well said thank you Loreena for helping out  

[jse]

 

[Hsinav]

23 hours ago, Peter123 said:

Anyways I wont solve this here online so maybe I am just asking for advice from people who can relate - how do you cope when moments of loneliness arise.

My experience is that these moments of loneliness are painful but also an opportunity for growth. When I finally accepted my loneliness, in some magic way I started to attract other people and friends. 

Edited February 27, 2017 by Vanish

[Shin]

Quote

Anyways I wont solve this here online so maybe I am just asking for advice from people who can relate - how do you cope when moments of loneliness arise.

Do nothing and observe your feelings/thoughts.

This is extremely difficult to do, but this is also the most effective process.

 

[clytaemnestra]

4 hours ago, Vanish said:

When I finally excepted my loneliness

You did you excepted like excluded from your life? Can you say a bit more how? Or you wanted to say accepted?

[Hsinav]

1 hour ago, clytaemnestra said:

You did you excepted like excluded from your life? Can you say a bit more how? Or you wanted to say accepted?

Sorry, accepted!!

[MsNobody]

Hey Peter, I feel you, I have a similar story, I had a crazy childhood and I left my country because of a crazy ex bf, I started my life from zero in USA, I worked my ass off to move out and live by myself.

I'm 27 now and until a couple months ago I was still having negatives thoughts about my past, it was still impacting me, my whole life changed after Leo's video "how to let go of the past and taking 100% responsibility of your life" this is really powerful, I took responsibility about all things that happened in my past, even things I didn't choose, it wasn't my fault, everything, everything! I only look at my past now to see how it made me the person I'm, how it gave me strength, that's all, what matters is how you REACT in the present moment, since we ONLY have the now and you are already working on yourself, building yourself up, from now on your life will only have positive outcomes! 

Its just a phase you are going through, try to meditate and connect with yourself, you won't feel loneliness anymore and will give you the strength to get out of this situation.

 

[Peter123]

Hi Laisa, I am sorry to hear that but much respect for putting the time in and turning sh.t into something more valuable. I always look up to people who go through the-not-so-pretty-things and make it out even stronger. Maybe sometimes I just feel way too sorry for myself? I am trying to be as honest as possible with myself but its hard to say. Anyway those feelings sometimes sucks.

I will check the video and I agree with your opinion on the past. All these things take time but it will be worth it.

All the best to you

[Gladius]

Hi Peter,

I also come from a toxic family and have (very) sad stories to tell. When I realized this I left home as soon as I could and took distance. That helped a lot, but after more years I learned I had to forgive them (even if they didn't apologize). Then I became more aware, assertive, communicative and, to sum up, "actualized", and they somehow also grew and we have now an OK relationship. This process took several years (I'm 32 now) but I learned a lot, gained some skills that are unique and very useful in my creative career, and I can look back proud of myself.

All tips given here by these guys are really good. Just keep growing and meditating and you'll be fine.

All the best!