Thoughts Like "i Am Better Then Him/her"

[bazera]

Hey, 

I have noticed that I judge a lot of people unconsciously. As soon as I got the idea of "personal development", and as soon as I set self-actualization path for me, I kind of started looking at people differently. I have no control of the thoughts, but I notice them, and I know that they are not healthy, but I can't help the fact that I am thinking them. Like when I look at somebody scrolling Facebook for hours, I immediately think something like: "Oh, look at him, he is wasting his precious time on scrolling useless stuff, I have already deactivated my account, so I am somehow better then him!"

And after I realize what's going on in my head, I start to feel that something is not right, that I am doing a complete opposite thing to what I should be doing and should be learning about. 

I know that Leo said in his videos that we can use these kind of people as mirrors, and reminders of what we shouldn't be doing and what we may be doing in other areas of our lives. I also know that judging others will backfire me with judging myself (from the above example, I may scroll Facebook some day again, and I will immediately label myself with something negative) 

But in spite of all that, I still can't help the fact that I am thinking that way. I am clearly thinking, before even realizing, things like: I am better in this, I am better in that...

Do you have any suggestions to help me overcome this problem?

[Sarah Marie]

Instead of approaching it as I am better than him, consider buying into the idea that everyone is exactly where they need to be on their own journey. If you can really grasp this idea, you will learn to respect everyone. Everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be in their own journey, just as you were before you picked this path. 

 

[Stef]

 

Watched this yesterday. I suggest you do the same.

Really powerful message, do the exercise and you'll be astonished by the ammount of judging you do constantly. It will certainly help.

[Thomas]

I've been struggling with superiority complex (actually false self-esteem perception) for years and I would lie if I said I'm done with it completely, but I reduced it and what's more important - became aware of it so I can manage it.

What helped me is better understanding of what self-esteem is and what it's not, provided by Nathaniel Branden in his book "The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem" or more in-depth "The Psychology of Self-Esteem".

Before I read it, my mind was constantly playing a psychological game of non-stop competition and comparing with others which resulted into workaholism and trying to outsmart, outperform everyone in my surroundings - very neurotic behavior.

Long story short - I ended up with chronic depression and beating myself up for every single imperfect action I made.

Meditating also helped extremely.

[Avi]

A lot of amazing points have been made on this thread already. I would like to add also, be careful of the judgments you make on your judgments as they can be equally harmful. 

[bazera]

@Sarah_Flagg Yes you are right, everyone is exactly where they need to be, I am exactly where I need to be too, and if I was able to get on the right path, everyone is able to do the same, it's just a matter of time. Everyone may have something that I dont't have yet, and with my ego's "logic", they can be better then me too, but I must see how stupid is the idea of comparing so much generally..@Pinocchio Then what I have to do is continue being aware, and continue working on my awareness more and more. Eventually time will show me what will be neseccary for the next step.

@Neuroticon I have seen that couple of times, but again, my ego is so fucking strong, that I opened up this thread to ask for your support, because I couldn't handle it my own.

@Thomas Your story is like mine, and thanks for sharing those titles, will definetely check out.

[bazera]

@Avi What do you think about the judgment that I make on my judgments? (towards people). Amn't I supposed to think of them as unhealthy thoughts? 

[Avi]

8 minutes ago, bazera said:

@Avi What do you think about the judgment that I make on my judgments? (towards people). Amn't I supposed to think of them as unhealthy thoughts? 

No thought is "healthy" or "unhealthy", a thought is just a thought, nothing more and nothing less. As you practice becoming aware of your judgments you will start to just let them come and go. Awareness is the mighty tool for becoming less judgmental. 

[Damir Elezi]

Personally, I have experienced the same thing but I have noticed an improvement since I started meditating on a regular basis and let go of some extremely strict goals. Often, when people judge other people too much, they tend to be dissatisfied with their own lives in general. Try to cultivate a feeling of sympathy and connection towards other human beings (There are meditation techniques, which are designed for this. For example the buddhist technique of Metta Bhavana).

If you want a more logical view on things, ask yourself what exactly makes you better than these people? Personal development improves your enjoyment of life, but it does not make you a better person in any way, does it? Its all a matter of perspective. You can be as smart, as strong, as beautiful as you want, in the end we are all going to die, just as any living being on this planet. You improve your life quality - good for you, but that should lead to a feeling of sympathy for others who have not found their paths in life. Not a feeling of superiority. Maybe you should try to show the people you tend to judge some of your routines a.s.o., they may also create a better life for themselves. And who knows, maybe they can teach you something as well.

[Pav]

3 hours ago, Avi said:

No thought is "healthy" or "unhealthy", a thought is just a thought, nothing more and nothing less. As you practice becoming aware of your judgments you will start to just let them come and go. Awareness is the mighty tool for becoming less judgmental. 

Thoughts have accompanying emotions and behaviours, they are interrelated. 

If you have a habit of judgement, when someone does something wrong you will probably have an automatic thought condemning them. When this happens notice this, bring your awareness to the fact that you had this automatic thought and counter it with a realistic thought. For example, when someone does something wrong you may think 'he/she is a bad person,' this judgement is illogical, counter it with a more realistic thought such as 'he/she fucked up but that doesn't make them a bad person, we've all make mistakes since no one perfectly moral, I'm sure there has been many times where they've done good things.' When you counter distorted thoughts like this with realistic thoughts, eventually (a few weeks) your automatic thoughts be replaced by more realistic and less judgemental ones. In this way you can become completely non-judgemental. This can of cause work on judgements you make toward yourself;  'I'm a failure,' can be countered with 'I didn't do very well on this particular task but that doesn't mean I'm a "failure," there have been many times in the past where I've done work I'm proud of, the fact that I didn't succeed this time gives me opportunity to learn from my mistakes and improve myself.' It is important that your thoughts are realistic and congruent with your behaviour, if you counter it with things you know aren't true (eg 'I'm great at everything I do') it will cause further neuroses.

Awareness is vital, but it's not the whole picture. A change in cognition is required, or all you will end up doing is becoming aware of how judgemental you are.

[Guest]

This is a form of trying to get external validation. Do not base your self-esteem on external factors. An important part of being satisfied in life is being able to maximize internal validation while minimizing internal.

[Lee]

I think it's one of the hardest things, not to judge or compare yourself against others, when I see a parent screaming and swearing at there child in a public place, it still makes me judge, and I think thing like if they are like this in public what's that poor child in for later. But in reality I have know idea of the situation, there could be many reasons for their irrational behavior, stress makes people act out of character all the time, and this person could be going through their own personal hell right then and they have no clue how to control it and are probably oblivious to self actualization skills, meditations etc. The point is it is very easy to judge, but it is also very easy to turn your negative thoughts around and give people the benefit of the doubt. Even people who seem nasty, aggressive, were not born this way. Life can crush and destroy all belief in yourself, and a defense mechanism people have is to fight back but in a negative way. They feel let down by the system degraded, humiliated and if they don't have a guide to lead them out, they go deeper in the rabbit hole. We are the lucky one, we have found a guiding light. Try being that light for others.

[Ramu]

On 2/12/2016 at 3:02 PM, bazera said:

Hey, 

I have noticed that I judge a lot of people unconsciously. As soon as I got the idea of "personal development", and as soon as I set self-actualization path for me, I kind of started looking at people differently. I have no control of the thoughts, but I notice them, and I know that they are not healthy, but I can't help the fact that I am thinking them. Like when I look at somebody scrolling Facebook for hours, I immediately think something like: "Oh, look at him, he is wasting his precious time on scrolling useless stuff, I have already deactivated my account, so I am somehow better then him!"

And after I realize what's going on in my head, I start to feel that something is not right, that I am doing a complete opposite thing to what I should be doing and should be learning about. 

I know that Leo said in his videos that we can use these kind of people as mirrors, and reminders of what we shouldn't be doing and what we may be doing in other areas of our lives. I also know that judging others will backfire me with judging myself (from the above example, I may scroll Facebook some day again, and I will immediately label myself with something negative) 

But in spite of all that, I still can't help the fact that I am thinking that way. I am clearly thinking, before even realizing, things like: I am better in this, I am better in that...

Do you have any suggestions to help me overcome this problem?

Hi there.  I really liked your post because I have the same issue.  Actually its not as bad as it used to be but at times it rears its ugly head.  What's rearing its head?  Ego is rearing its head.  Why ego?  Because ego notices differences in an attempt to solidify its identity in form.  Ego thrives on having a separate superior identity but fails because its ultimately threatened by what it perceives itself to be superior to.  Fear is what drives ego.  You have great insight into this however because you are NOTICING this behavior in yourself.  That's the first and probably the most important step in Spiritual Awakening.  The Witness in you (your True Self), is observing the thoughts of your mind.  After awhile you will not identify yourself with your mind because YOU are not your thoughts or emotions.  The True Self is the Witness of Mind.  There is a lot more about this in the Spirituality/Consciousness section of this forum.  I wholeheartedly recommend that you read The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.  You won't be the same afterwards (but much better)!!!

[bazera]

@Ramu Thanks so much for the recommendation my friend, will definitely read it

[Ramu]

18 minutes ago, bazera said:

@Ramu Thanks so much for the recommendation my friend, will definitely read it

I think you will enjoy the book.  Keep in mind however that a lot of people, myself included have read the book twice over.  It's actually such a great read that I gave it to someone who I thought could benefit from reading it.  After that book I read Eckart Tolle's A New Earth.  Another good book that although written years after Singer's essentially talks about the same things from a slightly different perspective.  Enjoy!  By the way I'm on this forum a lot so let's keep in touch.

[bazera]

@Ramu Feel free to message me any time you want this forum has become a daily thing for me too. It's kind of a new habbit.