Mental health and ego backlash

[Linda22]

Hi guys..

I am new here soo I hope I will not write something stupid lol

I just want to tell about me shortly. So I am just 18years old but I am not mentally strong. I have been practicing spirituality since I was 14. It really helped me beat my social anxiety, depression, I wasn’t addicted to cutting anymore and I became more loving which is ughh the best experience I have ever had. I attracted people after I stopped caring about their attention. Also I became more awakened because I started studying Buddhism and Hinduism, also Leo’s teachings were helping me A LOT!! so thanks ?  but at some point I got bored you know and I stopped practicing spirituality. I didn’t think I would get bored but it happened since I was not really enlightened. I was just more aware of reality but I didn’t experience a serious enlightenment and mental health problems appeared again. I suffer much more now. I am trying to focus on studies but it’s really hard. I was a very good student but now I can’t study for more than hour a day to be honest. Also my Social anxiety became crippling again. Sometimes I look so weak and it is really ashaming. I think everyone thinks that I am weak and I can’t stop these thoughts because I am addicted to them, also people don’t respect me anymore and they surely view me as a weak person. When I tell myself to go back to spirituality I can’t! Because I feel like I am using it as an escape! I want to first go back to studying and socialize and then focus on enlightenment but it seems impossible. It seems impossible to do any of them first. I don’t know I am stuck. 
I am forever glad if you read my boring story:)

[NoSelfSelf]

That's normal process,practicing spirituality makes it worse before it gets better there is no way around this...mentaly healthy people should think twice before barking on that door in my opinion if thats something they truly only want...

[Linda22]

Thanks for telling me that it’s the normal process! It gave me a huge hope really❤️

[Linda22]

@NoSelfSelf Thanks for telling me that it’s the normal process! It gave me a huge hope really❤️

[NoSelfSelf]

@Linda22 That's nice to hear...if you have any queastions regarding the path feel free to ask take care....

[Linda22]

@NoSelfSelf Aww..

thank you so much

?????

[Linda22]

@Tahuti I know, right?… I am not awake.

Even more, I am in so so much suffering for no reason at all. I know this only theoretically because I can’t concentrate on spirituality. When I meditate my thoughts attack me and I feel so so worthless. It’s like I can’t fight these self-sabotaging thoughts because I have been living with them for so long. Sometimes even when I stand outside I feel judged because I had a hard time gaining other’s approval since childhood. Parents were never satisfied even when I had good marks and behaved well. I was never popular or interesting and never knew how to respect myself. When I became more spiritual people actually viewed me differently because I had a self-discipline, my values and my goal. I got free from other’s opinions but now everything is worse. I stutter and many times freeze while talking with others because I am ashamed of who I am. Sometimes I deeply envy blind and deaf people, beggars and cancerous people. Even they love themselves more than I love myself…and the worst thing is that I am 18 and I am losing best years of my life because I am weak, selfish, pathetic and ungrateful human being.

Edited December 5, 2022 by Linda22

[Linda22]

“I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Fifty years I spent like that. And I came to realise it’s that fear that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. So…get up. Get out in the real world. And you kick that bastard (fear) as hard as you can right in the teeth”

Bryan Cranston 

film(?)

this is so true. Fear is killing me.

[Linda22]

LMAO sorry for being dramatic?

[Linda22]

@Judy2 Omg?..

like you guys are so loving?

 

Edited December 5, 2022 by Linda22

[Linda22]

@Tahuti OMG!! 
thank you for advices!

I really appreciate…

Edited December 11, 2022 by Linda22

[IAmReallyImportant]

On 1.12.2022 at 3:38 PM, Linda22 said:

Hi guys..

I am new here soo I hope I will not write something stupid lol

I just want to tell about me shortly. So I am just 18years old but I am not mentally strong. I have been practicing spirituality since I was 14. It really helped me beat my social anxiety, depression, I wasn’t addicted to cutting anymore and I became more loving which is ughh the best experience I have ever had. I attracted people after I stopped caring about their attention. Also I became more awakened because I started studying Buddhism and Hinduism, also Leo’s teachings were helping me A LOT!! so thanks ?  but at some point I got bored you know and I stopped practicing spirituality. I didn’t think I would get bored but it happened since I was not really enlightened. I was just more aware of reality but I didn’t experience a serious enlightenment and mental health problems appeared again. I suffer much more now. I am trying to focus on studies but it’s really hard. I was a very good student but now I can’t study for more than hour a day to be honest. Also my Social anxiety became crippling again. Sometimes I look so weak and it is really ashaming. I think everyone thinks that I am weak and I can’t stop these thoughts because I am addicted to them, also people don’t respect me anymore and they surely view me as a weak person. When I tell myself to go back to spirituality I can’t! Because I feel like I am using it as an escape! I want to first go back to studying and socialize and then focus on enlightenment but it seems impossible. It seems impossible to do any of them first. I don’t know I am stuck. 
I am forever glad if you read my boring story:)

Thanks for sharing your interesting story!

I think you are not stuck and it is amazingthat you are practicing spirituality since that young age!

[Cathal]

@Linda22 'we can wake up, but it's not enough to get out of bed' - an essential step in the way the Buddha taught anapanasati is called 'gladenning the mind' (or i like to see, conscious re-conditioning) where, when we are just aware, we can see many unwholesome states within us (our conditioned minds) and just sit and see it all, we are infact not really in a state of meditation at all and have not applied right effort, we are basically never reaping any fruits of our practice we just keep watching rotten yields come in over and over and over in the mind, it's quite dissatisfying to practice that kind of meditation someone who wants to feel better

right effort is introducing wholesome thoughts and relaxing bodily sensations that arise from unwholesomeness like anxiety. a certain thing in the world makes us anxious and our mind begins to reproduce the same old patterns and stories of 'I am in danger, there are threats outside', creating a state of anxiety within us that is very unpleasant, it's not enough to just bare witness but to actively gladden, relax our minds, we can literally control the way we feel through thoughts of 'i am safe, i am secure' over and over and over, we recondition ourselves, bringing ourself out of hindrance and into a deep relaxation or jhana.

a nice little CBT trick is instead 'Oh god I have to go for a walk with the dog' creates a state of resistance, but the 'I could' instead of 'I have to' literally makes us feel so much better about the situation.

The Buddha basically taught CBT 2500 years ago, and it's a moment to moment practice of that rewires years and years of the patterns of negativity within us our parents/society taught us

[Linda22]

@IAmReallyImportant Thanks for being kind!✨

[Linda22]

@Cathal ??

thank you for wise advices! I am better now, little bit better but I feel it. I can focus while meditating a bit bitter and it already helps me relax at least while I am asleep. Thanks for caring. Every advice means a lot me right now!

[Shane Hanlon]

Hey Linda, I am sorry that you are going through all of this again. It sounds really hard. And you sound so brave for taking on this challenge. <3

You also seem so kind and so loving. I see that in you. Your responses to others are so full of gratitude.

 

I also dealt with social anxiety in high school. One of the things that helped me was changing the paradigm I was coming from when I was interacting with others. I noticed that when I was anxious, I was always thinking about myself. How do I look? Do I look weak? What should I say? All sorts of thoughts and feelings about myself would come blasting into my mind.

I also noticed that in the brief moments I wasn't anxious, it was when I was thinking about making others happier and just flowing with the energy. I noticed if I changed my paradigm from "How do I look?" to "How can I make this person a little happier right now?" My social life changed. Instead of leading with fear, I was leading with love.

It took me a long time to fully implement this, and I am still working on it today. But being aware of my internal dialogue and purposefully changing it towards benefitting others was a social life saver for me. It helped me get out of my own head.

 

Thank you for sharing your story as I am sure so many people can relate to what you are dealing with. I love you and I wish the greatest blessing for you. You deserve it.

[Linda22]

@Shane Hanlon Thank you for giving me some helpful types, Shane! It feels awesome to know that strangers can understand you that deeply. You are right. I try to think less about myself and more about others, It helps. It’s just hard when you have a low self-esteem. When others compliment me I can’t take it and I never value my successes. I know I lose so much time in self-pity and it’s not necessary but maybe once I will forgive myself for being anxious for years and will start a new life. It’s what I need. Forgiveness and faith that everything can change doesn’t matter how much you fall back into old habits.

I am so so happy for you. You seem like a happy human. Maybe you won so many battles with anxiety. I hope you will never struggle while interacting with others because you also seem so kind and understanding. I wish you the best bro?
Thank you again, I will remember your advices and love you too!?

Edited December 22, 2022 by Linda22

[Shane Hanlon]

@Linda22 I can tell you have everything you need to make it through this. You have a strong heart.

[Linda22]

Thank you so so much!! How can I not try my best after these words??

I wish you the best really!