Why am I distracting myself?

[Realms of Wonder]

Hi, Actualizing crew,

 

Lately I have noticed my mind really looking for and finding ways to distract myself, with shallow pointless YouTube videos, porn, watching more movies, and generally speaking, feeling  drawn to keep my mind busy. 

 

I am looking for perspective, higher level wisdom or personal experience to shed light on what could be happening, why my mind is trying to distract me, and what mindset shifts may need to happen to pass through this. 

 

For context I am

• Working 26-28 hours a week
• Going to school around 23-26 hours a week, (18 hours of class, 5-8 hours of study/homework.)
• Investing around 50-70 minutes into meditation, stretching, and going for walks as my morning routine
• Playing music around 3-6 hours a week

 

There are a few different perspectives I am recognizing/actions I could take.

 

1. To accept what I am doing, the behavior, and try to exhaust it.
2. To force myself to quit them all
3. To cut back on my time with those distractions and make more time for other, more productive and fulfilling things.
4. Judgment for not living up to my ideals, of filling my time 100% with productive and life purpose related things, meditating more, playing more music, etc..
5. Seeing it as a phase I am going through on my journey, not to freak out or take any drastic action, but to experience it and try to learn from it.
6. Question deeply why I am distracting myself, this one is scary and seems like a lot of work (especially in contrast to the high pleasure activities my mind is filling with.)
7. Look for the needs these behaviors are fulfilling, try and meet those needs in more conscious ways.

 

Big picture, its all good, I intuit that over the course of 5-20 years, it will become clear what stage this is, what to do or not do, and I will continue with my routines, and this path, curious to hear what you have to say!  

 

 

 

[caspex]

I am also in this phase and you seem so much better off than I do so don't sweat it. I just allow myself to distract myself and notice it consciously, and finally after a few months I am coming to a point where my craving for distraction is slowing down and I am even attracted to not distract myself. As if naturally wanting to do what's 'right'. I am not telling you to let yourself go in distraction but maybe consciously indulge in it when you do distract yourself.

[Holymoly]

You could do the force stop and see what comes up and work with that or it could be an ego backlash if your lifestyle hasn't been like this for long. 

I struggle with this too and for me its something i should probably develop discipline around, its not looking like theres any societal pressure so if u want to step up best get inspired. 

[flowboy]

On 30/11/2022 at 5:57 AM, Realms of Wonder said:

Lately I have noticed my mind really looking for and finding ways to distract myself, with shallow pointless YouTube videos, porn, watching more movies, and generally speaking, feeling  drawn to keep my mind busy. 

 

I am looking for perspective, higher level wisdom or personal experience to shed light on what could be happening, why my mind is trying to distract me, and what mindset shifts may need to happen to pass through this. 

@Realms of Wonder I also have found myself in this situation recently, looking for distraction a lot.

Here's what I did:

I got to the point of realizing that I am spending my time in a very unsatisfactory way, always trying to get away from something. I am going to die someday, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 50 years or more, but someday soon-ish.

So I experimented with not doing it, just living in silence, and seeing what it is that I'm actually trying to get away from.

Which is what I recommend you do.

I noticed a huge fear of failure, and also fears that I'll find out that I'm not cut out for what I set out to do, of having to face my flaws and limits and that being emotionally difficult.

Amongst other stuff.

Then, I did 2 things:

1. I started pushing through and confronting these fears, doing things that I know are the most important but scare the shit out of me every day first thing in the morning. That helped to feel more satisfied with how I'm spending my time. I already felt less need to distract myself, but there was still the lingering emotional fallout and anxiety from confronting all of that.
2. I started doing shadow work on that anxiety. Parts work in particular is helping me at the moment. That calmed me down and made me feel more integrated, courageous and powerful.

At this moment I am finding that I simply don't care about YouTube videos and podcasts so much anymore, I still click on them occasionally but then stop, because I feel it's a waste of my time and I would rather push through on my goal and fight the good fight, or read the books I want to read.

Your process may vary based on what it is you're distracting yourself from.

Don't try and quickly think about this, that's a waste of time.

To find out, you actually have to get uncomfortable and live a few days without distraction, to see what feelings you're distracting yourself from.

Then work with those feelings.

[Brandon Nankivell]

If you will, for a moment, drop all of the details about your life ("I intuit I will be at X in 5-20 years, I work 26 hours a week, I play music" etc...).

Find a quiet place.

Sit still.

Close your eyes.

Ask yourself: Why am I distracting myself?

Then remain quiet.

***

What comes up?

Often the first thing that comes up, the thing that comes up most, or the one you feel most in your heart/body/soul will lead you to an answer.

***

Possible follow-up questions (if needed):

When I ask why am I distracting myself, do I feel fear?

If so, what is that fear?

[Realms of Wonder]

On 11/30/2022 at 8:19 AM, Swarnim said:

I am also in this phase and you seem so much better off than I do so don't sweat it. I just allow myself to distract myself and notice it consciously, and finally after a few months I am coming to a point where my craving for distraction is slowing down and I am even attracted to not distract myself. As if naturally wanting to do what's 'right'. I am not telling you to let yourself go in distraction but maybe consciously indulge in it when you do distract yourself.

Thank you for sharing, since posting this thread I am slowly noticing a similar trend. Though still distracting myself, awareness of it is increasing during.

 

On 12/1/2022 at 1:49 PM, Holymoly said:

You could do the force stop and see what comes up and work with that or it could be an ego backlash if your lifestyle hasn't been like this for long. 

I struggle with this too and for me its something i should probably develop discipline around, its not looking like theres any societal pressure so if u want to step up best get inspired. 

I have force stopped in the past, and it works! short term at least but for me it also uses a lot of willpower, and can be draining. I want to see if there is another, more balanced way.

 

On 12/2/2022 at 3:01 AM, flowboy said:

@Realms of Wonder I also have found myself in this situation recently, looking for distraction a lot.

Here's what I did:

I got to the point of realizing that I am spending my time in a very unsatisfactory way, always trying to get away from something. I am going to die someday, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 50 years or more, but someday soon-ish.

So I experimented with not doing it, just living in silence, and seeing what it is that I'm actually trying to get away from.

Which is what I recommend you do.

I noticed a huge fear of failure, and also fears that I'll find out that I'm not cut out for what I set out to do, of having to face my flaws and limits and that being emotionally difficult.

Amongst other stuff.

Then, I did 2 things:

1. I started pushing through and confronting these fears, doing things that I know are the most important but scare the shit out of me every day first thing in the morning. That helped to feel more satisfied with how I'm spending my time. I already felt less need to distract myself, but there was still the lingering emotional fallout and anxiety from confronting all of that.
2. I started doing shadow work on that anxiety. Parts work in particular is helping me at the moment. That calmed me down and made me feel more integrated, courageous and powerful.

At this moment I am finding that I simply don't care about YouTube videos and podcasts so much anymore, I still click on them occasionally but then stop, because I feel it's a waste of my time and I would rather push through on my goal and fight the good fight, or read the books I want to read.

Your process may vary based on what it is you're distracting yourself from.

Don't try and quickly think about this, that's a waste of time.

To find out, you actually have to get uncomfortable and live a few days without distraction, to see what feelings you're distracting yourself from.

Then work with those feelings.

@flowboy Hey, thank you for this thoughtful reply!

 

I resonate a lot with those fears you described, one I would add is fear of succeeding, in school I have been doing better then I ever did in highschool, and its scary, it feels like resistance to doing the work to continue excelling. 

 

As for the approach, making time to be away from distraction intentionally, I love that, recently booked an 8 day solo retreat, that being one of the purposes of it. something tells me a solution is more likely to come through introspection and solitude. 

 

I find myself mostly distracting myself from playing music, writing songs, mixing or mastering already finished songs. That and studying, I do my homework, but I dont really study more then necessary to ace the test...

 

If past solo retreats are a barometer of how this one will go, I am excited for the clarity to come. 

On 12/3/2022 at 5:25 PM, Brandon Nankivell said:

If you will, for a moment, drop all of the details about your life ("I intuit I will be at X in 5-20 years, I work 26 hours a week, I play music" etc...).

Find a quiet place.

Sit still.

Close your eyes.

Ask yourself: Why am I distracting myself?

Then remain quiet.

***

What comes up?

Often the first thing that comes up, the thing that comes up most, or the one you feel most in your heart/body/soul will lead you to an answer.

***

Possible follow-up questions (if needed):

When I ask why am I distracting myself, do I feel fear?

If so, what is that fear?

Tried it, here's what happened.

 

Sitting, consciously let of of any details about myself that I could think of.

 

Then asked the question, "What am I distracting myself from?"

 

A few random thoughts, then... "Love." and with it came a visual of an orb with a prickly pointed surface, it was black and pulsating.  A slight fear was oozing out of it. Thoughts then come "What if it is too much for me to handle, what if its too big, what if I get crushed, what if I die if I let it in, what if its edges cut me, what if its as horrific and terrible as life can be.. etc..

 

very interesting.

 

"What is that fear?"

 

"Fear of changing, I am afraid because I am changing so fast, what if nothing of my old self remans? What if I cant recognize myself any more?"

 

Very very interesting..

 

Thank you

[Ulax]

@Realms of Wonder I think there are numerous possibilities.

However, to my mind, the distraction will be meeting some need or needs of yours.

Maybe note down the thoughts that come up when you are distracting yourself, or get the desire to distract yourself.

[flowboy]

6 hours ago, Realms of Wonder said:

"What is that fear?"

 

"Fear of changing, I am afraid because I am changing so fast, what if nothing of my old self remans? What if I cant recognize myself any more?"

Good work, but don't stop there.

I'd go into a parts work session here.

You could resolve this for real if you just go a bit deeper.

Part of your psyche is saying this stuff, I would find out where it's been hurt and what memories/evidence it's still dealing with that make it fear change.

[inFlow]

@Realms of Wonder You lack consciousness to actually grasp that you are distracting yourself. These days it just takes me a few moments to realize that what I'am doing right now is not worth the time and effort, even before doing the activity I already intuit that.

[puporing]

Just a little "blip" and detour before "returning home" .