Turning Away From "this"

[alyra]

I have always been a person who pursues self-improvement and that will never change. And I find Leo's work and similar videos inspiring, and will continue to both practice mindfulness, self-reflection, and youtube as a resource, for increasing my capabilities in life. 

 

But I don't find there to be much merit in the pursuit of direct meditation habit, searching for enlightenment, nonduality, or Leo's idea of authenticity and self-actualization, not for me. I'm looking for some people to respond to my thought on it. 

 

Basically, I've found a loss of meaning in what is done - whether I find enlightenment many ways, or am a person who is trapped in the lower self, nothing about the universe or existence itself changes in anyway. it is only a change in perspective - and this change in perspective is not something I really want. it's nice Leo's video of the 10 things you want but don't know it - but I just don't really find much meaning in "Wanting" or "desires" and whenever I say that I "want" a thing it is always just a decision. I want to relax, aka, I will now take the day off. Sure there are emotional drives that I notice - but in the end I always am making a conscious decision in these acts. What I intend to pursue regarding those is cultivating my focus and my mindfulness in the moment. Some times I may meditate as a way to increase these, but the habit I will form regarding meditation is mindfulness in the moment, or short breaks of self-observation or meditation, or a short break of a kind of intuitive release. something in a video I saw about allowing the mind to wander. so I will be using meditation as-needed, not as a habit. most often I will just lay down and nap, or if I'm on the work, take a walk outside. these are not "meditation" lol! but there is a way to make them like meditation, and that's what I'd be working on. 

 

The thing about nonduality and the authentic self - chasing that accomplishes what, enlightenment? I trust that enlightenment would be a great thing, and maybe later in life I will pursue it. but now - there are more pressing things in my life - and that is the thing. even in nonduality there is duality. (and even in duality there is nonduality) I was thinking about this before, and I've self-observed minimally, the other day. And as I sat in self-observation this morning I noticed a curious thing - when my eyes are open I see rich imagery, and when my eyes are closed I see no imagery at all. I do not fabricate images when my eyes are closed. this is something I always knew but - the point is, even if I find the enlightened perspective of how I really understand how all things are as one, infinity, nothingness, however you wish to call it. We go on living life as normal, just with a new perspective. Pursuing that is necessarily an endeavor of ego and duality! and even if we had a perfectly nondual perspective, there is necessarily a vibration of energy however way we theorize it which creates the illusions of duality and that won't change. I will not in my life find a situation where I'm a monk meditating all day in order to be as authentic as possible - in fact if I wished to be as authentic as possible I would just decopose as quickly as possible - but I do not do that because the splash of dual existence is nothing in comparison to infinity, that the true authentic path is to allow my splash to naturally unfold. our duality is itself the authentic nature of existence. and my splash does not follow a path towards monk-dom, and now I find it does not seek enlightenment.

 

I do not really know what the ego is - in my perspective, ego and duality are one and the same. after all, all things are nondual in the end - the duality is just the illusion - right? but even that cannot be known. it's advised that nonduality can be directly experienced and witnessed - but so can the duality. I heard recently a person say, "what is "Real" in meaning? it is just an honorary title." and he said something about how in quantum mechanics, we call one thing or the other thing real but both realities are equally valid. This falls the same with duality v nonduality. both are valid. and if I were to fully pursue nonduality to be as nondual as possible - I would be discarding the dual existence that it so convincing. as I've mentioned before in this post - my perspective at hand is that in infinity my splash on the "consciousness field" so to speak is irrelevant - the perspective shifts create flow and being - and I can work on those without needing to dump my efforts into nonduality and enlightenment. through mindfulness, and being. It is not necessary for me to sit and contemplate enlightenment and nonduality, in order to exercise my ability to be present and aware. and in my limited life I will not reach the level of enlightenment of a monk - I will have significant dual existence, and it is more to my merit to work on making my dual existence one in the present moment, strategic, and aware. 

 

Sometimes I will meditate. sometimes I will self-observe. sometimes I will contemplate existence. but mostly I will practice mindfulness in the active moments. I will work on flow and focus and strategy, and work on negotiating my emotions so that they are no more than an experience, and not a tide which consumes my being. I will work on my practical skills beyond these - my skills of cooking, minimal lifestyle, employment. not in the immediate moment and future, but I will find life purpose both in work and in casual pursuit - maybe they will even tie into each other or be one and the same - but right now my "life purpose" is becoming self-sustainable within the next five years - not a 20-year goal - but it is what motivates me. 

 

I may be focusing my current efforts on picking myself out of my chair. walking to a new place. laying my hands upon some object. and manipulating in. this is what I've found to get me moving in an effective way - along with the various paradigm shifts which allowed me to focus on my work in this way. but by no means is this an enlightened decision. by no means is this "the final shift" by no means do I think I will stop self-improving, and self-actualization completely, just because I found a certain perspective that leads to this decision. But the path I am following is not the path of enlightenment and nonduality. it is a path of duality. and this is the path I follow.

 

I feel that I have always been more in touch with intuition than the others around me. I do not know for sure what "intuition" means or how to truly tell that my ideas come from intuition instead of logic. and IMO - intuition and logic are like yin and yang - one cannot exist without the other. but I feel as if I am following intuition on several levels. and I know that logic is a part of my decision. But I do not feel that this is a decision of Ego. well - like I said - it is because ego is really just all of duality. but I have in the past been strongly swayed by my ego, but in this moment - I am swayed by intuition. maybe it is an intuitive response to a logical clinging onto duality. but I cannot just up and discard my duality - which means I will have restricted resources, or even wither away and die, if I try to focus on nonduality in my present life situation. I need to improve my dual existence first before it can even be worth pursuing enlightenment and nonduality - and I won't even pretend to carry on the assumption that that "will" happen later - that would be holding onto ego

 

 

 

Thank you for allowing me to type this out. speaking and righting is another form of thinking and processing. I also look forward to any and all responses to my expressions here. and while I will minimize my forum use both here and elsewhere in the future - they consume me with ego, forums. I find it too distracting and too much of an influence on my emotional consumption -which is something I am working to minimize. so be it. but I will not kill my forum use outright - after all, expressing is a form of thinking, and the dual experience of the Other is an extension of my self that I must not sever off

 

Edited February 25, 2017 by aryberry

[Loreena]

34 minutes ago, aryberry said:

Thank you for allowing me to type this out. speaking and righting is another form of thinking and processing. I also look forward to any and all responses to my expressions here. and while I will minimize my forum use both here and elsewhere in the future - they consume me with ego, forums. I find it too distracting and too much of an influence on my emotional consumption -which is something I am working to minimize. so be it. but I will not kill my forum use outright - after all, expressing is a form of thinking, and the dual experience of the Other is an extension of my self that I must not sever off

 

You are a cool guy(guy or girl idk)..I am planning the same   bye bye ?

Edited February 25, 2017 by Loreena

[Hsinav]

@aryberry

So how would you describe the essence of this in one or two sentences?

[Nahm]

@aryberry A place a lot of people get to is the discovery of what the ego is, and transcending it. 

I place few people get to is the understanding of what The Uncertainty Principle revealed about reality 100 years ago - and then actually implementing it in the rest of their life. This is pure liberation that many who teach transcendence oriented paths still don't understand, which is the very thing that motivates them to continue teaching, unbeknownst to them. No action is unmotivated. It's good to understand one's  motivation. Until a teacher understands this, they continue to see it as ego in others. Only when they reveal this to themselves can they recognize it in others.

 

Edited February 25, 2017 by Nahm

[Principium Nexus]

I find that too much thinking and learning can be quite exhaustive and doesn't always make the quality better in the short term. It's important to find the right balance in self-actualization, creating big picture and just living life without it. The main reason why I think that there are less women on these forum in general is because your nature is closer to feeling and these things can be sometimes too abstract indeed.

It's important to get a good basic understanding what it means to self-actualize and what a big picture is but the fine details can be worked out throught your life. You will confront things when necessary anyway and might come back to learn and deal with it.

I think it's a good choice to follow your intuition and feelings. Come back when you feel you need it and don't let the ego tell you this is the only way to liberation. I love to discuss things from time to time, and also like to withdrawl and relax

[alyra]

2 hours ago, Loreena said:

You are a cool guy(guy or girl idk)..I am planning the same   bye bye ?

Thanks! It's nice seeing you and some others I recognize posting around. I'll still post and ponder, just... I'm making a move to shift the focus and frequency of that study and contemplation. I removed my avatar because I'm working on focusing on my existence rather than my identity. The purpose of this thread's posting was half for the sake of me "feeling" the finality of a decisional shift, but also to get my thoughts on the forum so anyone who is interested in hearing the perspective has an opportunity to be a critic

tbh my presence on the net will be more noticed on the other sites I frequent moreover than on this one. I dunno how often I've been posting here but I will still visit this site once in a day or in two at least, but for less time and with less posting. but I couldn't express my purpose in this shift on the other sites and like I said. I enjoy thinking through conversation

2 hours ago, Vanish said:

@aryberry

So how would you describe the essence of this in one or two sentences?

pondering existence as if we can know it, or as if our experience of it can become better or more true. 

 

1 hour ago, Snick said:

No matter what we do, no matter what perspective we have on things. it's ONLY the ever present screen that is present.

Strictly speaking, there is no were to go! Nothing you can do or change on fundamental level. 

mmhm yea this I suppose this concept has many facets to it  and I've found a new one. I was at first thinking "wow lookit this I can find authenticity and tell my ego to go away and find new ways to more often and more fullly see existence as infinite and without self and I can ponder who "I" am 

but then I realized - oh. There is no self, but perception. there is no infinity, but that which I cannot know. These things are the yin and yang. as long as I see one, the other is there too. I do not need to find the other, because all finding it reveals is that the one I see now is no more untrue than the one I cannot see. but the duality will always be an inherent necessity in the nonduality. 

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@aryberryNo action is unmotivated. It's good to understand one's  motivation. Until a teacher understands this, they continue to see it as ego in others.

I think this is along the line of my thinking - that I was trying to be just like Leo. I wanted to be like him - even though I continued on knowing that I was "me" and not him on anyone else here - I wanted to follow Leo's path and follow the path others have laid out. And now I see the path that lies before me, which is not their path, and is not a copy of their path. it is not "mine" per se so much as it is the steps I am taking. 

it's so weird saying "I" and "me" and "mine" lol. The understanding of these words I hold in my head, but it does not get held in the word itself. 

[Nahm]

@aryberry That's not what I meant there. I meant ego is tricky in this way. When someone see's someone who has recently shed their ego, the peace of mind is obvious. When someone sees someone who shed their ego long ago, and has been living the life they have been choosing, and are fulfilled and content and living in the now, it can appear to to someone else who believes in their own enlightenment, but has not created their reality, that the person has never undergone any processes or transformation to begin with. 

[YaNanNallari]

I'm not bothered to read the whole thing, but remember enlightenment isn't the only thing that comes with meditation. Awareness is a big deal

[Shin]

Make sure you're not bullshitting yourself, because that's a lot of text, and a lot of justifications and rationalizations.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Shin

[alyra]

I do not throw away a tool just because there is a better one.

Edited February 28, 2017 by aryberry

[Guest Annetta]

Good luck!  Do whatever you feel is right for you.