Panic Attacks And Self-sabotage

[h inandout]

I've suffered a lot of accumulated and supressed trauma, and have been living in fight or flight mode for the past 8 years.  My Dad just happens to have a great oportunity to live with him in the jungle in Peru and teach science to little girls (yes my Spanish is almost good enough).  I've applied for similar jobs in the same area before but I keep getting rejected, so quite honestly this is so perfect and serendipitous because I might be able to win back a little self esteem and do something ridiculously cool.  But I keep having hard core panic attacks, even when I am on some level completely able to embrace the opportunity.   I try to express my trust issues and lack of confidence to my Dad for the sake of working it out, but it just turns into me lashing out at him.  I akin it to vibrational theory, where people in very low vibrational states for some reason are held back from skipping to the highest levels of being.  Should I get a hypnotherapist or put this project off or reject it all together?  How can I finally break though this awful barrier I've been trapped under for so many years?

Edited February 25, 2017 by MissMiki
Typo

[Nahm]

Go to Peru. That much is obvious.

Realize you don't need anything from your dad unless you keep believing you do.

Counseling wouldn't hurt.

How many days in a row, up to today, have you meditated?

Perhaps you are having panic attacks and not doing shit for yourself at all.

Maybe I'm totally wrong.

 

[h inandout]

Yes, thank you for your advice.  I meditate maybe too much.  Sometimes I start to get neurotic about my neuroses, and can never find a way out.  But just speaking about this is giving me a few different ideas about how to calm down first.  Maybe I will find a different therapist (that doesn't remind me of my mom) while I'm still state side.  I know this is all supposed to be easy, but I also am too familiar with the dark subtlety of self-sabotage.  Maybe not this time though?  

[h inandout]

Okay, you know, sometimes I get sucidal because I feel so trapped.  I think I may even have a toxic relationship with my Dad.  We are so out of sink with each other.  I wish just once one of my 3 parents would have literally just uttered the words I believe in you, but that's okay because I know their parents didn't say it to them.  So I believe in me.  I FUCKING BELIEVE IN ME.  Do I need to build a science education program for girls in my second language and basically from scratch with little support.  OK. It's not actually that hard.  Life is easy.  It is so fucking easy, and I'm tired of being dragged around in the dirt because I just didn't know how to take ahold of my own life.  If an opportunity calls.  I will be there!  No problem, no stress, just gonna do it.