Why Suffering Was The Love I Most Needed In My Life

[Razard86]

When I was small my next door neighbor was a young guy named Antonio. Antonio was about 3 years older than me and a big guy. This guy made fun of me everyday. In the neighborhood, at the bus stop, on the bus (even had the bus driver laughing). When I went to school, I got made fun of in the classroom as well. Then get on the bus made fun of there until I got home. I have a twin brother, we are not close. Why? Because my Dad pitted us against each other and my twin brother actually took it seriously. Anyway this type of life continued for me. I got into fights in almost every grade, always a bully would attack me and I defend myself. This happened until the 11th grade when I met my first real friend in my entire life (still friends to this day) and got to experience what it was like to have a friend.

Why was this suffering the best thing ever? One it taught me the depths of emotional pain one was capable of feeling. I've felt the lowest of the low, I know exactly what it feels like to feel that you are all alone, that nobody cares about you, that it was better had you never been born! This is why I laugh on the forums when many ignorantly assume I don't know suffering. I didn't have my first real friend until I was 16 years old. I was bullied and fought every year, my own twin brother didn't accept me, and my Dad constantly told me I was stupid and treated me like he regretted me being born. Through all this I always had a desire to NEVER be like the people who treated me like this. 

Through this I had a desire and curiosity to find out WHY people acted like this. I became an observer, I got into history, sociology, psychology, and every event from those tough days is what led me to who I am today. Because of my suffering I was forced to be alone. Because of my suffering I never tried to fit in. It turned me into an individual, it taught me to think for myself, and most of all it taught me to love myself when I felt nobody else did. YOU SEE? You see how my suffering was my greatest blessing? It taught me to love myself when nobody else did!!! How is that not the greatest love? 

So think again when you throw accusations of "You don't know my pain, or you haven't suffered!" I was told I was an unwanted presence for the first 16 years of my life. I have been in over 20 fights, and I have been jumped twice! When I got jumped two guys I thought I was cool with... WATCHED AND DID NOTHING!!! I've loaned a ridiculous amount of money to people, never to have them pay me back. I have every reason under the sun to hate people, to be resentful, and fearful. I'm not saying this to be self-righteous, I'm saying what I discovered through my suffering....is that love conquers all. 

One day you might learn why suffering happens, if you pay attention to the lesson it is trying to teach you. I have some other dark stories...I may share later on who knows. But love is so wonderful, its why I wake up everyday truly content and at peace.

[Breakingthewall]

that father you had was a tough teacher. I also had a very crazy one. It is he who has guided you to the gates of real mysticism. loving him is difficult, but it is possible. He's you...you know that in your mind, but it's hard to really accept. it is a factor of separation, of hate. There are so many layers, it's hard to uncover them all. The good thing is that in a case like this it is a necessity, and underneath all of them is the great void that is alive. so your father was probably the best father possible

[Tristan12]

"It is God's loving kindness to terrify you in order to lead you to his kingdom of safety." - Rumi

I totally resonate with this post. Thanks for sharing  

[Razard86]

 

15 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

that father you had was a tough teacher. I also had a very crazy one. It is he who has guided you to the gates of real mysticism. loving him is difficult, but it is possible. He's you...you know that in your mind, but it's hard to really accept. it is a factor of separation, of hate. There are so many layers, it's hard to uncover them all. The good thing is that in a case like this it is a necessity, and underneath all of them is the great void that is alive. so your father was probably the best father possible

 I agree, it is because of my Dad that I don't seek authority figures or put others on pedestals. For a large part of my life I seeked the approval of my Dad. It wasn't until my mid 20's when I realized that no matter what I did he would never love me or completely accept me and that was okay. When I released my desire for his approval it was like a weight was released off my shoulders. I had a close friend who let me vent about it a couple years ago and I was able to get those feelings out. I saw my Dad recently a couple weeks ago, the man doesn't even look me in the eye. I don't resent him at all, but for some reason he seems to resent me.

But yes my Father is a huge reason for my desire to be loving and kind and you should see my siblings!! Because of my Dad they all have a desire to be as loving and kind as possible to their children. So my Dad's actions had the opposite effect on his children!! My Mom was loving but she worked a lot and was usually too tired to intervene a lot. He has inserted a lot of pain in my immediate family. Now this isn't to demonize him, he has done some good things too but a lot of people in my family don't like him. Also when my grandfather (his father) was on his death bed he refused to speak to him because my grandfather once told my Dad to be nice to me and he took it personally and made a vow to never speak to him. My Dad does that. If he gets mad at you he just won't speak to you, for years. Kind of crazy to me, but it is what it is.

[Breakingthewall]

2 hours ago, Razard86 said:

. So my Dad's actions had the opposite effect on his children

Don't underestimate the effect that such a guy can have in the psyche of a child. there are many layers of hidden trauma, and it's hidden for a reason. unearthing all that is not easy. imo what works amazing is mushrooms. They will make you see things that were there in front of you but you did not see them. You will see how subtle your mind is, its great concealment tricks. I am not saying that you have not done the work, I am saying that the work is very deep. a child hides emotional pain in order to keep moving forward. the adult has the ability to face it but the concealment mechanisms are still active, as if it were a spell

 

[Razard86]

9 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

Don't underestimate the effect that such a guy can have in the psyche of a child. there are many layers of hidden trauma, and it's hidden for a reason. unearthing all that is not easy. imo what works amazing is mushrooms. They will make you see things that were there in front of you but you did not see them. You will see how subtle your mind is, its great concealment tricks. I am not saying that you have not done the work, I am saying that the work is very deep. a child hides emotional pain in order to keep moving forward. the adult has the ability to face it but the concealment mechanisms are still active, as if it were a spell

 

I'm aware of this, I've studied this stuff for over 10 years. I could write a book about it if I wanted too. Since we are dealing with infinity...the layers of concealment...are so deep and complex...it could take millennia to unearth how his interactions influence something as simple as a migraine from them watching a commercial episode or hearing certain music lyrics. 

So yeah I know about that whole ordeal, but the point I'm making is that suffering teaches the recipient why kindness is a virtue by having you experience what it feels like to be treated unkindly. Obviously one would have to work through their fear and judgment to be able to not spread suffering to others, but the lesson has been learned. Its literally been branded into your being.

[Breakingthewall]

48 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

but the point I'm making is that suffering teaches the recipient why kindness is a virtue by having you experience what it feels like to be treated unkindly

 

In my experience, suffering is not a problem. we can endure tons of suffering, and we will be proud of it and forget it when it is over. the real trauma is shame. that is what remains, the deep feeling of being unworthy. That feeling in unbearable for a kid and that's why use to be hidden.  

the point is that all humans have suffered from lack of love and shame and have hidden it. It's a good thing that the shame has been overwhelming, so cover-up tactics aren't effective and suffering seeps in everywhere, forcing you to take action. when you see that neither works, only radical deconstruction remains. at least this has been my experience

 

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

 

In my experience, suffering is not a problem. we can endure tons of suffering, and we will be proud of it and forget it when it is over. the real trauma is shame. that is what remains, the deep feeling of being unworthy. That feeling in unbearable for a kid and that's why use to be hidden.  

the point is that all humans have suffered from lack of love and shame and have hidden it. It's a good thing that the shame has been overwhelming, so cover-up tactics aren't effective and suffering seeps in everywhere, forcing you to take action. when you see that neither works, only radical deconstruction remains. at least this has been my experience

 

Well I would say the symbol of shame = Clothes. Humans wear clothes obviously partially because of temperature control but also because of shame. Babies run around naked because they have not yet been indoctrinated with shame. I'm not advocating for us to get rid of clothes obviously, but many people cannot bear to look at their own naked bodies, and the judgments they have of themselves they just project vomit it onto other people.

Also suffering is the only problem, you can only suffer if you feel unworthy. All pain= unworthy and this even is true for physical pain. Why do we run from pain? Because it doesn't feel good, it hurts, and we do not feel we are strong enough to bare it. This means we believe pain is stronger than us and thus we run. So you cannot create a distinction between suffering and unworthiness. If you felt capable to bare anything, then you wouldn't have fear, you wouldn't have shame, and you wouldn't suffer. All shame, suffering is an acknowledgment that something is superior to you.

Of course there is nothing wrong with any of this...it is what it is.

[Breakingthewall]

imo shame = death. As a human you need the human collective to survive, if the tribe kicks you out of the cave, you're dead. If your parents reject you, you're dead. If women don't accept you, you don't reproduce and your genes are dead. then very soon something very powerful happens in you: I need to be accepted, it is vital.

I perceive that I am not completely accepted, or that I will not be if others realize certain things. my feeling towards it is deep panic. I will hide those things so as not to be unworthy and thus be accepted. paradise is the acceptance of the tribe. hell, the rejection. That's shame.

So I'm going to open an Instagram account so everyone can see how cool I am. and then I'm going to become spiritual and I'm going to show everyone that acceptance doesn't matter to me since I'm above all that and in this way feel accepted by a creation of the mind called "god".  Spiritual ego. 

The maze is tricky, the only way out is the total deconstruction 

 

Edited November 29, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Breakingthewall]

When you break all the barriers, what's left? obviously, without barriers, there are no limits. the unfathomable void Infinity. and you realize that your heart was imprisoned. If the doors of perception were opened, everything would show itself as it is: infinite. but the human has locked himself in the four walls of his cave. infinity is god, and it is you. you. you with a free heart, exploding in total freedom in an infinite explosion, which we call love

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

imo shame = death. As a human you need the human collective to survive, if the tribe kicks you out of the cave, you're dead. If your parents reject you, you're dead. If women don't accept you, you don't reproduce and your genes are dead. then very soon something very powerful happens in you: I need to be accepted, it is vital.

I perceive that I am not completely accepted, or that I will not be if others realize certain things. my feeling towards it is deep panic. I will hide those things so as not to be unworthy and thus be accepted. paradise is the acceptance of the tribe. hell, the rejection. That's shame.

So I'm going to open an Instagram account so everyone can see how cool I am. and then I'm going to become spiritual and I'm going to show everyone that acceptance doesn't matter to me since I'm above all that and in this way feel accepted by a creation of the mind called "god".  Spiritual ego. 

The maze is tricky, the only way out is the total deconstruction 

 

The maze is only tricky because the ego is trying to make sense of an infinity. If you are in a world of infinite identities, then there is no ground, especially if  new identities are constantly being formed in each moment. Reality is an infinite perspective and the ego cannot grasp that. The solution is to give up trying to grasp anything. 

 

2 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

When you break all the barriers, what's left? obviously, without barriers, there are no limits. the unfathomable void Infinity. and you realize that your heart was imprisoned. If the doors of perception were opened, everything would show itself as it is: infinite. but the human has locked himself in the four walls of his cave. infinity is god, and it is you. you. you with a free heart, exploding in total freedom in an infinite explosion, which we call love

I agree the heart was imprisoned, but only by judgment. The way out is to be free of judgment, free of criticism of any kind. All criticism is judgment. Only egos criticize, and the moment you criticize you are playing an egoic game. Because all egos are literally the same character with a different point of view.