Is my intuition right?

[Farnaby]

Hi!

A few months ago I broke up with my ex girlfriend and I've been reflecting a lot on how I often abandoned myself in the relationship. For example, when I saw her feeling sad or we had recently had an argument and there was unresolved tension I forced myself to stay with her trying to solve the problem and feel connected to each other again. This sometimes worked but it was a pattern that made me not meet my friends quite often when I actually wanted to be with them (because I felt guilty for leaving her alone at home). 

I think my intuition is telling me that I should allow myself to follow what makes me feel lighter and not take on so much responsibility for fixing things. But I read so many posts about how it's inmature and narcissistic to "abandon" your partner when they aren't feeling good that I get confused. I don't think that really apllies to me because in my relationships I always try to communicate and don't like sweeping problems under the rug. But when you try and the other person is non-receptive I think it's unhealthy for me to keep trying to get the communication flowing. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

[Cocolove]

Had a similar situation where she always wanted to put things under the rug and never come back to them. 

"I forced myself to stay with her trying to solve the problem and feel connected to each other again" this too

 

You will build up resentment and ruin things over time if you don't do what you need and you end up giving and sacrificing more in unreciprocated efforts.

[Farnaby]

Thanks for answering. Yeah, that's what I'm starting to realize. 

She didn't always sweep things under the rug but she often needed a lot of time before being able to talk about it (or she would be able to just let it go after a while and I, on the other hand, needed to talk it through). Waiting too long to rebuild that connection felt detrimental for my own health, which is when I would feel that spending time with my friends would be a better use of my time than staying in that tense environment. 

I think you're right. I need to do what I need to do so I don't harm myself. If such a situation happens again, for me that would look like trying to talk it through and if the other person isn't open to that I think it's better that I go somewhere that feels lighter for a while. 

Thanks again!

 

[Eyowey]

Don't let girls use sadness as an excuse to treat you badly. It's a very sneaky deception. It makes you feel bad for them while in reality you are the one who's being screwed. 

[universe]

Fuck what other say you should or shouldn't do.

I'm confused as to why you stayed with her instead of going to see friends.

If you really go deep into why you did. Was it because others said its immature, was it because she wanted it, was it because you wanted to feel harmony, that you didn't like the tension or was it the fear of loosing her. Was it because you felt you did something wrong, was it because you felt like she misunderstood you?

[Farnaby]

4 hours ago, universe said:

Fuck what other say you should or shouldn't do.

I'm confused as to why you stayed with her instead of going to see friends.

If you really go deep into why you did. Was it because others said its immature, was it because she wanted it, was it because you wanted to feel harmony, that you didn't like the tension or was it the fear of loosing her. Was it because you felt you did something wrong, was it because you felt like she misunderstood you?

What resonates most is wanting to feel harmony and the fear of losing her and both seem to be two sides of the same coin. 

[universe]

On 23.11.2022 at 2:35 PM, Farnaby said:

What resonates most is wanting to feel harmony and the fear of losing her and both seem to be two sides of the same coin. 

So you ditch your friends and try to keep the conversation flowing because you fear losing her and because you want to feel harmony again.

Does that sound correct?

[Farnaby]

@blueberries thank you. I agree with your perspective. There were many good things in this relationship, but I definitely abandoned myself too much and there was a big incompatibility around having children.

@universe pretty much, except that I didn't ditch them. It was more that sometimes I wouldn't join them even though I wanted to. When I'm single I'm also more on the introverted side so I don't hang out with them as often as they do (also because they are very into drinking and stuff which I don't like to do as often). But I definitely stayed at home when I actually didn't want to be around that negative energym which I think is a mistake.