Helping An Alcoholic

[Michael569]

My mom has developed an alcohol problem some time ago. Of course as all alcoholics, she will not admit it. We had family interventions, she stopped for a while but than got back to it even more. Not only is it making her fat and destroying her self esteem but there is also all the negative effects of alcohol and emotional instability. 

Having watched Leo's addiction video helped me work on my PC gaming addiction however to an unconscious person like my mom seeing world black and white, an idea such as contemplation or meditation is so so far out there. Sometimes it is like teaching a toddler to use calculus. 

If I were to dig deeper, I'd say it has to do with her having no purpose of life. She stopped working years ago and nowadays spends time around the family house mostly. Also the divorce of my parents didn't help. 

 

So my question to whoever would read this is:

How would you approach a person who is super easily offended, does not realise that she has problem, is very emotional and would not want to do any high consciousness work. How would you soften the mind of this person to be a bit more open-minded to potential solutions that do not necessarily lie out there but within? 

 

Thanks a lot for any advice

 

 

 

[Nahm]

Take her somewhere.

Somewhere she see's physically what you want her to see mentally.

 

[Evilwave Heddy]

Introduce her to weed.  When she is stoned and barely responsive, put on a video about consciousness or some shit.

[Bodhi123]

@Michael569 It is important for you to remember the saying, "You can't help those who won't help themselves." It is a hard saying to accept but it is the truth.

5 hours ago, Michael569 said:

How would you soften the mind of this person to be a bit more open-minded to potential solutions that do not necessarily lie out there but within? 

Approach your mom from a place of compassion. If she feels like she is being judged or attacked she will resist what you say. If she feels like you care for her and have her best intentions in mind then she will be more receptive to what you say.

Do your best to help your mom but remember your limitations. Also remember to take care of yourself.

[Venus]

Show her how much it affects you. Don't tell her, show her. Break down into tears because it's affecting your everyday life. Let her see how upset it makes you. She'll listen when she sees you upset. Then tell her how her negativity towards her life rubs off on you because she's your mum. If there's anything anyone would do anything for, it would be their children. So if you show your mum that the way she is being is massively effecting your life in a bad way and that it will only get worse if she doesn't get herself help, she will have so much motivation to start getting help. Of course it will take time after that, but her heart will be in it then because she'll be doing it for someone she truly loves.

Just make sure you make it clear it's not her fault and that it's just bad circumstances that need to be fixed. Show her your love so she can let hers for you motivate her.

My mum's been an alcoholic all my life, with super low self esteem and no motivation. She's never had a proper job in my life and believes she's worthless and that no one would ever want to like her. It seems the only thing that's keeping her in her marriage is that they both have children that they don't want to have separated parents. 

When I broke down to my mum the other week telling her how her hatred for herself wore off on me since she's the one I'm meant to look up to in life; how her low self esteem causes my low self esteem and my struggles with friendships and relationships and happiness, simply because she's my mother and I will naturally copy her, when I did that she changed. She opened up and accepted that she needed help for the first time. She told me how she felt about her self and was okay with the idea of getting help. She's also put in lots of effort everyday to be more cheerful and positive. She's not been like this once in the 17 years I've been alive and it had only happened because I truly showed her how much it affected me. It never worked when my dad tried because he wasn't her child.

She still drinks. But we haven't been to get the help yet. This is the beginning of a long track ahead of fixing problems, but the hardest part was breaking through the barrier of getting her to accept her problem and wanting to help herself. Just like @Bodhi123 said, "you can't help those who won't  help themselves". This was what changed her from not caring, to truly wanting to help herself.

You are your mum's child. She will help herself for you.

[ajasatya]

@Michael569 open up with her. tell her your difficulties, your sufferings. she might do the same.

alcoholism is never the cause of the problem. it's something else.

[Toby]

The first step for you has to be to be at peace how she is without any judgements. That is the best way to support anyone.

[Michael569]

Thank you all for valuable suggestions, much appreciated ! 

These gave me a lot of perspective. 

 

Cheers

[Venus]

I agree with @ajasatya. The alcohol is just there as a distraction for her from the real problem. Remove the problem and the alcoholism will fade too.

[Guest Annetta]

She might need a community and a sense of responsibility, AA can provide both of those things.

Do you know what the root of the issues are that are causing this alcoholism?
I might suggest over a period of time listening to what the causes could be, sort of inquiring in a very quiet way when conversation leans in that direction, and a little bit at a time over a period of time so that your mother doesn't feel like you're playing detective or judging her.
Get a good picture of what the root of this addiction is, and then do some research on other people who have similar life stories and how they handle their lives while currently addicted.  Look into what some of them have done to conquer their addictions/fears - the struggles they faced - the steps they took to get there.
Maybe go to some AA meetings as well to get a really deep understanding of the disease from all angles.

From there you'll have a clearer idea on what would trigger her in conversation, where those triggers come from, the appropriate response to take when that happens and how to move her in the right direction.

Do the best you can, but if she doesn't want to change you can't make her.  
You will have to come from a place of no resistance/reaction on your part, because if she is all resistance then any from you will create that rubber-band snap effect.  
So assume through all of this that she most likely won't change, and that's ok too.
Prepare for that outcome as well.  Look at it from every angle that you can.
And accept her for who she is right now.

[Michael569]

@Whywolf thanks for suggestions. 

I have identified several causes. First of all it is the lack of purpose in life. She does not work and has not worked for year. Of course she is frightened even by thought about going back...became very complacent. Its is a shame because she has a degree in two languages , both of which she is still fluent after all years of low usage.

Another might be that our dad found another woman and left her , went living to Denmark. Me and my sister have made peace with him considering that my parents' marriage was rubbish for many years. She can't and has very very hard time forgiving people who wronged her. 

And lastly she has very victim mentality. She feels like the world is hurting her and that nobody cares about her and that world isn't fair. I tried to explain it to her in a soft way that she is causing all her problems but that results in her getting offended....so it's a challenge. 

Her addiction is just a way of her dealing with anxiety and victim thinking. 

I agree with what has been said that the person needs to want to be helped first and presently she is definitely not in that state of mind. 

I'll try to have a talk with her and show her how it is hurting all of us as @Venus suggested. 

 

Thanks folks, it is good  to be a part of a like-minded community

 

[Arman]

Don't be discouraged if trying to talk to her directly about it does not work. I'm not saying it won't. It depends on where she is at.

Higher teachings are ineffective and abrasive depending on where a person is at. For example, trying to help your mother find her life purpose would be fruitless right now, depending on what her base level is.  One simply does not have the energy to focus on life purpose when they are not yet meeting basic needs and do not have any reserve of self love, and are not taking basic care of their body. 

Trying to help her look at her way of thinking, mind states, and encouraging her to do consciousness work have the possibility to be ineffective and create more tension. Think of how willing or unwilling we ourselves can become when we are having a bad day - then consider what it would be to be stuck at those levels chronically. 

When people are in particular low states, sometimes we must meet them closer to where they're at. I do not have much experience with helping people in very low states so I can't offer much advice specifically, but what I can suggest is that while we hope for and perhaps even expect certain LEAPS of growth with our ideas and intentions, leaps of growth are the exception when it comes to healing. Most growth happens incrementally. 

The best way to help her shift is to love her more. Judge her less, and be more practical and down to earth about uplifting.

When she slowly improves and shifts level to level, then and only then will higher techniques become effective. Until then, things like having a cleaner household, having positive casual conversations, hugging her, holding her hand, inviting her to activities and calling her more will likely have more effectiveness in "raising her vibration" than an intervention would. Again, the specifics of what would help her are outside of my scope of knowledge. Perhaps suggestions from a social worker or those who have experience with AA may be helpful. I hope you understand the main point I am trying to make, which is that the highest and purest 'teaching' and technique is not always going to be the most effective, in fact it can be completely ineffective. Something that is true at a higher level is simply not true for her.  Higher and more direct is not necessarily better. What is better is meeting people closer to where they're at with consistent effort, love, and willingness to dedicate ourselves and not aim higher than what the moment demands. Thank you for your willingness to help your mother.

EDIT:

On a side note, I want you to really consider this approach and its implications

4 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I'll try to have a talk with her and show her how it is hurting all of us as @Venus suggested. 

Changing for our loved one's can be a motivator and leverage for change, but this again requires a baseline of energy and courage. If she does not have this energy, then you are simply saying 'who you are is hurting us' 

but then, is that really a statement coming from a place of love, or is it turning it back to you? 

if she feels unable to change with this motivation, it is like a kind of emotional blackmail, and compounding the negativity of her state

"if you do not change, we will suffer"

this has some energy potential to uplift, but this is but one of many approaches, there are many different levels of statements, each with varying levels of energy, effectiveness, relevance.

"if you do not change, we will suffer"
"if you do not change, things won't improve"
"if you do not change, things may not improve" 
"if you change, maybe you will feel better"
"if you change, you will feel better"
"I hope you change"
"I hope you shift, because I like to see you happy"
"I love you, even though it sometimes hurts me to see you this way" 
"I love you, and I want you to be happy"
"I love you as you are, may you be happy"

Can you feel into the difference each statement has? It is not that any statement is better or worse than another, It is simply up to you to calibrate relative to where you and her are to decide what is most effective. Speaking reflexively based on your own emotions may do more harm than good unless you can do it very consciously. 

Finally, do not make the mistake of thinking that loving someone as they are will keep them as they are. In fact, resisting who they are will keep them as they are. This is energetic law. Discover it experientially. 

 

Edited February 28, 2017 by Arman

[Michael569]

@Arman  that's an amazing perspective, thank you. 

[Toby]

The problem is that you cannot go to someone with the agenda to be different than they are and then expect them to be open and receptive to what you have to say. You can only speak from total acceptance how she is at the given moment. Otherwise, if you go into blaming, judging and shaming it might even contribute to the problem. And remember, it's not just a psychological addiction - there is also a physical component to it. I mean, I heard of a case that two heroin addicts dropped the addiction instantly after accidently visiting a satsang, so anything is possible but you could look at your own addictions first to develop compassion how hard it maybe is to break a habit.