The existential root of mental illness

[trenton]

I suffer deeply because of my struggle with understanding reality. I think many people in this sub forum may have a similar issue. We go to actualized.org because we are attempting to fill a void with spirituality, enlightenment, and so forth. Nevertheless, there may be a lingering discomfort throughout the rest of our lives and it may manifest in many ways. I will share my personal experience with existential problems and the consequences.

A early example could be having a crush on someone. Sometimes we use others as a psychological crutch so that we can live for each other. This idealized romance is meant to give us a sense of meaning and belonging, and thus cope with the deeper existential problems we face. Thinking about this person can make us happy while keeping the mind busy and away from questions like "why do I exist and why does anything exist? What is the point of anything?" It makes me feel like I know nothing.

Sometimes existential problems make us crave drama. I remember when I was in high school and my mother had an abusive boyfriend who punched her in the face and stole money for drugs. Dad fled the state to avoid paying child support and was now making partial payments through drug deals. Dad and his dad wanted me to be different and change the date of the family. This was a lot of pressure, but I played along because it gave a sense of meaning. Although the goal of saving mom's life and the lives of my endangered siblings felt hollow on some level, it gave me a purpose. This sense of purpose drove me to considering killing my step father. The existential struggle can ultimately drive people to murder. In my case I moved out and eventually did a presentation in front of approximately 100 people. I explained how I considered killing my step father and I felt that reaching out for help was often futile. This entire narrative and drama is fundamentally driven by a struggle to find meaning. I am finding means to get my mind to run with something rather than face questions like why do I exist. I never seen to have an answer to this because I know nothing.

I create all kinds of internal dramas because of this. For example, I have some moral OCD. In a sense I must be this way because it gives my mind something to latch onto so that I can bring in the narrative of personal development and self improvement. In the process of trying to understand myself I create a lot of internal pressure. My mind makes all kinds of evaluations about itself even though they are always partial and very often wrong. I have this desire to understand myself so that I can be at peace. Lately I have been surrendering this desire to know myself. I often get very self absorbed and it makes me less interested in other people. This can lead to not listening to others when I simply don't care. I don't mean to be rude, but my mind is constantly in a different world. Part of it may be due to autism, but this deep existential confusion has been present since I was very young.

I have been drawn to things like religion and politics for as long as I can remember. I sense that ideology provides people with a sense of meaning as they cloud themselves from discovering deeper truths. These existential problems seem to be at the root of harsh ideological divides in political ideals that feel completely hollow to us. My interest is to see what truth lies beyond ideology. Spirituality may be a vehicle to help uncover it, but most of us struggle constantly only to make gains over a long stretch of time. I filled up a couple of journals over the past year or so and it took a while to start getting serious breakthroughs that reshape how I see the world. Sometimes I think maybe psychedelics can be life transforming like I hear from other people, but I don't have this as an option yet.

Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts because I felt like I was wasting my potential. I work at a grocery store rather than doing anything significant which requires creativity. I am more creative than most people, but it feels wasted. I am like a cog in a machine which can easily be replaced. At this job I see that other people feel the same way. They are unwilling to talk about it because the meaninglessness makes them feel depressed. I refuse to hide these feelings. If the deeper issue can be solved then I will not ignore it. What is the point of surviving for survival sakes? There is no point to just working until you die just to constantly struggle to get enough money. Many of my co-workers feel like they cannot change the situation they find themselves in and so ignore it. I want to change the situation, and others tell me not to beat myself up for not doing what I want in life and living a more meaningful life. I am doing my best to improve because personal development provides a sense of direction, but it is also a terrible idea to spend my entire life's saving just to move down the street to work full time and exhaust myself constantly.

These existential problems influence every relationship, every narrative, every ideology, and many serious mental issues. It may be the reason that many people on this forum have suicidal tendencies. At the root of my psychological patterns seems to be an existential problem. I am taking pills for racing thoughts that helps me sleep, but it is a bandaid. It does not solve the root of the issue. This is a void I attempt to fill with actualized, spirituality, enlightenment, and so on. My mind will constantly latch onto something including this entire narrative I just wrote out. It too is partial and incomplete.

All my life I have had this existential problem. People often choose not to think about these things because it causes so much suffering. I think about these things because I want to understand myself and the world. It seems the best I can do is let go of wanting to understand myself as my mind struggles with partial success over the years. it is sometimes painful to watch the struggle, but I know it is done in the name of love.

I wish for nothing but the best for anyone reading.

[LastThursday]

I totally resonate with this.

It's like once you've seen through the superficial veneer of busy-ness you can't unsee it. There's a cold stark reality of, I don't even know the word: absurdity, meaninglessness, incredulity? For example I find it completely absurd how every day passes and I do all this "stuff" and yet it's just completely bizarre. It's not that I'm shitting on being alive, I'm not, it's just that it's all patently ridiculous and I can't trick myself into seeing or feeling about it any other way.

In a strange way it's given me a certain amount of courage I didn't used have. Because most of the things I do are forgotten about or just make absolutely no difference to anything. I can't even remember what I ate a few days ago.  So why be worried about the consequences of things when most of the time they're of no consequence?

But you're right this sort of existential angst is not good for mental health in general. It seems like we're wired to ignore this existential stuff (for the sake of our mental health), until at some point the flame is lit and the existential moths are attracted to it. Once you start to question your existence and so on, it's hard to stop.

Really the existential stuff is always there just beneath the surface. I think nearly everyone suffers from it now and then. You're standing in the queue for coffee and then suddenly poof: "WTF am I doing?". Then you quickly try and gloss over it just in case you fall into a hole you can't get out of. But you're right existentialism is the driver of our lot of our behaviours. Not least of which is the biggest one of all: how much do I really need to survive? Most people are so scared shitless of losing everything that they contort themselves in absurdity just to avoid it. However, the bigger fear is losing everything but somehow still surviving and having to endure the pain indefinitely - that's existential angst.

Society is a completely made up fairy tale and reality is an absurd dream.

[trenton]

@LastThursday thank you for responding.

You have done a good job of explaining what I am trying to point to. I see people at work who are so scared of these existential issues and they wallpaper over these topics constantly. There is the front of being busy, but what's the point? If these existential questions and issues are not properly addressed, then it can create all kinds of mental health problems. I see how being busy is a coping mechanism for these problems.

One thing worth considering is the psychological benefits of religion. Many people who go to church are very happy because their beliefs and their faith make them feel like God can be trusted with their deep existential problems. There are limits to this as well and The existential problems come back once you start questioning holy texts. People must cling to These beliefs because the psychological benefits of religion place a band aid over our deep existential confusion which may be linked to mental illness. Existential angst might even explain other excesses of religion like dogmatism because certainty comforts out psyche just like staying busy at my job without thinking too deeply about these issues.

In the past few centuries religion has been in decline in terms of its authority. The separation of church and state, the separation of science and religion, and the massive outrage at the sex scandals have all served to undermine this authority. Many of us are now left with an existential void. We don't count on religion to answer our existential questions because there are so many problems with it. More and more people are resulting to alternative forms of spirituality such as this website to try to resolve this underlying existential angst. If religion declines in authority, then it makes sense that there would be more mental illnesses linked to this sense of meaninglessness and pointlessness. Safety and security in our worldview and beliefs are sacrificed once religion is questioned.

like you, I see so many people trying to trick themselves by staying busy. This has become another coping mechanism for our existential problems aside from religious affiliation. Other coping mechanisms can be to find some other ideological ideal in politics even if it feels hollow. Having other people who think like us is comforting because it makes us feel validated whereas people who strongly disagree can undermine our sense of being validated.

Rising above these coping mechanisms is a tall order. So many people are afraid to even discuss these things because they are too busy coping through a sense of certainty. I want to do more than just cope with it. As paradoxical as it sounds, I want to be empowered by this hollowness and meaninglessness, not be crippled by it and afraid of it. I'm not sure exactly how to word it, but I'm sure it's possible to be empowered by rather than defeated by these difficult questions. This attitude is needed to come to terms with existential angst in a powerful way, so it can be more than wall papering over our true feelings, attitudes, intuitions and so forth. People want to be drones and cogs who are told what to do because they are afraid to think deeply, but I will not bow to this fear.

[LastThursday]

The way I see it (Abrahamic) religions gives us explanations for our existence and why things are what they are, but devolves that origination to a being that is like us, but different and powerful enough that it could conceivably have done the job of creation. All religions are carried by narrative and this use of narrative appears to be the antidote to bad mental health. If you're a replaceable cog in the machine of society, then the narrative of constant hope is what keeps you mentally healthy: I will earn more, live better, be happier; for the religious there is salvation and the afterlife to look forward to, or the end of suffering through letting go.

The same use of narrative is seen in ideology and its use as a cohesive force when belonging to a group: you endure the same hardships together against a common foe, have the same stories of triumph against adversity. The more simplistic, emotionally driven and repeated the narrative is, the stronger its power. The use of simplistic collective narrative is completely counter to individual nuanced contemplation. Investigation into existential matters is seen as dangerous because there is the potential to veer away from convential narrative and norms - and anyway religion has it covered, no need to re-invent the wheel eh? We give away our responsibilities for answers to other authorities.

I agree that killing religion has left a lot of us in a bit of a no-mans-land with regards to existentialism. Science itself has poked many holes into the narrative of religions, but it's not wholly to blame, the church itself is responsible for the split away of science from religion in the first place. We rely on science and politics as the new religions instead. They have brilliant narratives and science has a great creation story of its own, but it doesn't have a patch on religion in the existential realm - electrons and photons are just not the same as almighty God. All this leaves us like inexperienced kids groping around with lots of questions but no comforting answers.

Why do people avoid existential investigation? Mostly because it contradicts the narrative of society and so is potentially damaging. Also because it appears to have no direct utility in every day life. For example, how does contemplating our inner natures help with being more productive at work? We are actively discouraged from investigating it's just not part of our cultures. When a kid asks their mum: "where do I go when I sleep?" the parent is so inexperienced with existential matters, that they don't have a proper answer. We are never encouraged or instructed in existential investigation.

All this leaves us with a fear of even thinking about existential things. It's a fear of the unknown and complete inexperience. But it's like knowing you're gay and having to behave straight. Everyone feels existential questions and problems arise, but tries to pretend they don't exist and constantly have to distract themselves as a facade. Drama, hard work and hardship make for very good distractions and good narratives to get behind and share. Really, meaning and hope is driven by narrative. When you start poking holes in the narrative of distraction by contemplating existence deeply, you're attacking your identity and attachment to society. People avoid this for obvious reasons.

I think some suicidal ideation comes about not because of existentialism or lack of it but because of the friction between what we're allowed to do (work and distract ourselves) and what we're not allowed to do (introspect reality). Being a cog in the machinery of capitalism is ultimately empty and unsatisfying because we know that we're being made to behave like a character in a story (that we have no control over), but deep down also we know we're much more mysterious and expansive than that. It's a deep potentially depressing dissonance.

Edited November 17, 2022 by LastThursday

[trenton]

@LastThursday

You raise a lot of interesting points. It seems that a lot of people are shallow because they must be. If they think too deeply about these matters then it can easily turn destructive. There are so many traps that people can fall into and none of them know what they are. Society is deeply unaware that these existential matters may play a very significant role in underlying depression.

I can see friction between existentialism and my work. I am a very creative person and it is hard to put this creativity to use. I have a lot of ideas, but I don't know what to do with them. Most jobs don't value creativity because they are made for people who don't want to think and just do as they are told. Other people notice this creativity, but I rarely make it real. It makes me feel like I have a lot of wasted potential. This leads to my creativity becoming destructive when I feel stuck. My greatest gift becomes harmful in this context. I can't stand to stick my head in the sand and let this life go to waste. I have a hard time shifting my perspective to "I expect too much out life and I should just accept what I have."

sometimes suicidal ideation starts to emerge out of this for me. It is not as powerful as it used to be, but it comes up sometimes. I don't think the pills my doctor gave me will be enough to solve the root of this issue. I have combined this with meditation and writing in a journal, so I have become more peaceful. I have a narrative that is supposed to be inspiring, but it does not correspond to my experience and thus becomes toxics as if I am hurt.

[LastThursday]

Society - the Western based ones, which is most of the world now - is missing a trick by not persuing existentialism more widely. If we were able to connect a lot more deeply with reality as a collective, then a lot of things would naturally fall out of that. The main one is a much richer connection to reality: we would stop behaving in such brutal and shortsighted ways. We would naturally recognise each other as being one, and stop hating, enslaving and hurting each other. Well, that's what I would hope for - that and world peace (sorry Miss World joke, you have to be old enough).

I don't know what's harder, having no choice or having choice but not being able to exercise it. Us first worlders are constantly told we have choice, but the reality is that exercising that choice is either very hard or impossible in a lot of circumstances. This leaves us with a bitter taste in our mouths. What are we supposed to do if we can't "get sex" or "be creative" or "be authentic" or "be loved", and yet we see others not so different from us getting those things? For some the torture of being teased by the ghost of choice is too much (sorry for the flowery language I'm exercising my creativity) and pulling the rip cord on living is tempting. Personally, when I repeatedly depressed about topping myself, in the end I came to the conclusion that I wasn't actually willing to do it at which point I simply gave up on the suicidal ideation, it was simply too wearing and idiotic (in my case) a thing to continue desiring. But this is what resonates for me about what you wrote, my depression was ultimately existential. In my case I also feel like I'm running out of runway because of my age, either I take off now or I hurtle into god knows what - anyway I digress.

Talking to you as I would talk to myself, my advice would be simply to face things head on. If you're in your twenties or thirties then you have plenty of runway left. Don't be too rigid in how your express your creativity, hedge your bets. Society does actually provide you with a huge playground of avenues to explore - some will excite you enough that you will know what to do with your ideas. I don't know what turns you on, if it's art or chess (I think I've seen you mention) or a million other possible things, go do it, master it! If you feel you're not in a position of choice (real or apparent) then get yourself into that position, you still have time. If you need money to express yourself, strategise and then do the short-term grind to get there (trust me in hindsight it will seem short). Pragmatism and taking action can be very good for mental health - and you can create narratives which do match your reality.

But. Also continue to do the existential investigation and master this side of things. Why not even start at "suicide" and investigate it, think about it deeply? There's nothing more existential than the threat of death itself. After all WTF is death anyway?

Some Camus quotes about death:

https://www.azquotes.com/author/2398-Albert_Camus/tag/death