Autistic diaries

[Chives99]

This is a monologue to get everything out of my head and to look at it from a bit of distance from whatever emotions are being stirred up at the time of the thought process. I'm trying to get to the end of searching but, I'm not done yet. I'm 26 years old and I didn't really start socialising properly until i was 18 back in 2014 when i went to college and then  university. The same year I discovered this channel and fell in love with it. This channel came to me when I needed it the most, when I was 17 I didn't want to live anymore I was so isolated, felt miserable constantly , had to structure to my day or vision for anything I didn't think life  was inherently not worth living, but that my life was pointless I had nothing going on and no-one to talk to. I did have my family which is brought me back from taking my own life , i had no social life but a really loving family.

I realised I didnt really want to die when I put a plan into motion so the option was to get on with life and try have a go at it. just before moving away for college I discovered this channel In august 2014 I was searching for something like how to socialise or something and a bald guy with a catchy title was close to the top. Leo gave great advice which i followed partially, but since my brain is too logical and self focused it can only help so much, my brain loves models, but models don't work so well with socialising as people act based on feeling not based on procedures and rules, to neurotypicals, rules are just guidelines, they will break them if is unproductive, but i need to know whats going on and whats happening next so i clung close to those procedues which would frustrate people as following the rule and impose on people and breach social cues.

Luckily i found a tribe that accepted me and put up with my awkwardness. I got some sexual experience with escorts so I would know about each act when it came down to having sex not transanctionally, people may judge me for that but i did the right thing, being a virgin meant I would be out of the loop and would further alienated my ability to relate to women, I just dont delve into my sexual past when they ask ignorance is bliss as they say I certainly dont want to know whos shes been with.

Another problem with autism is lack of empathy or struggling with it, with autism theres more of a self focus and you think about whats practical for you rather than how other people think and feel about the situation, its not narcissism where you think you're more important than them but, more a self focus so you misread peoples social cues about what they're really communicating or what they expect from you, my autism wasnt so bad that people totally rejected me but I understand there frustration at me. I had very little girl experience at 18, kissed a couple of girls at school and had crushes, but i never really chatted and flirted with them properly, I was mostly in my head day dreaming about the cosmos and philosophy. When I first started college a girl from our friendship group must have found me cute has she dm'd me on facebook with kissess asking what i was up to but i gave the most friendliest response I was completely oblivious. I wasn't interested in her anyway thats probably why i didn't pick up on it, I don't tend to notice unless i like them as well.

I'd say I don't really get interested in a girl until she shows me interest, BUT when she does show interest my logical brain concludes 'the deal is done' and I should start making a 10 step action plan to get to know them and make it work, but thats not how it works attraction is more  of a sliding scale you can gain attraction, you can loose attraction its not one or the other, so being overly concerned with the action plan made me come across as too needy as I was more focused on that than being fun and letting them fall for me, so when they lost attraction I would forget about them as they are no longer showing interest which would make them interested in me again as now I've forgotten about the action plan and gone back to my normal goofball self, but then when shes shows interest again my logical brain goes back to the action and destroys the attraction again, at this point shes not going to try another time. My brain is like LOOK LADY U EITHER LIKE ME OR NOT , DAFUQ IS GOING ON HERE" . I suppose since men like a girls looks and general vibe getting to know them isnt so much as an interest but for women it is, they want to fall in love, they want a deep connection of someone they feel really bonded to. I suppose the autistic brain being heavily self focused just is just oblivious to the females agenda and thinks of her agenda as the same as his.

I had my first girlfriend at 18 which last about a month, we never had sex, she had learning difficulties as well not sure what, possibly autism, but she was on learning support at college so on a lower level than everyone else suppose its more like high school what she was doing, she couldn't make eye contact which was something I never really struggled with. At the end of the day we just weren't compatible but logical brain felt like a failure for not making it work and that it was my fault, when she backed away I thought I would be romantic and surprise visit her which just frustrated her as i was picking up on social cue that she was backing away, but my logical brain was like Ill just try a bit harder and try and do things better, I suppose you could class it as mild stalking , but that wan't my intention I was just socially cluesless and without experience. I suppose the same goes for friendships as well you either gel or you dont no about of trying to make things work or strategizing with get you a friendship, I suppose i didnt want sex and intimacy from my friends so I wasn't so bothered about that not working, I want some i gel with for a friend, but I'd try it with any woman as I had to get the experience points and be  established. I feel if society didnt put so much pressure on guys to have sex this wouldn't be so much of a problem, everyone makes fun of the looser male virgin and now we have an incel crisis. 

 

I would say thats the biggest lesson I've learnt you either gel or you don't , stratergising doesnt work and if they have the hots for you and you have great convo then she will do her part as you will yours, just like how you make friends but in more of  a romantic a sexual way, mother nature does all of the heavy lifting.

 

My final issue would be unwiring unhealthy social conditioning, when I was at school the incelphere was just coming about I couldn't fathom what it would be like to be at school now  with the likes of andrew tate being endlessly shared on social media with isolate individuals, its not even about how to pick up women its just pure hatred , hatred for its own sake destroy the enemy just because i'm not included in society. I grew up in the countryside  and being autistic ( although I didnt get diaginosed until 21 , i never fitted in, my friends left me behind at seconadary school as that is when you start socialising properly, I hung around with a few outcast kids , but i fell out with them as they fired at me with bb guns and with autism having a greater sense of senisitvity that quite upset me where as it wouldn't so much for  a neuro typical, i was embarrased that it upset me so it just withdrew completely socially at 14, and discovered reddit, i developed quite cosmopolitan  and left wing views since i never fitted in, i say that is a blessing in a sense since that drew me away from the racist backwards small minded farming community that I lived in. If i was neuro- typical id be some intollerant people hating farmer , the farming community dont like anyone thats not themselves , they're very tribal in that regard , its not just hating on foreign and not white people, they also hate city and town folk for not understanding and belong to their farming culture, so I'm glad my autism saved me from that.

 

I didn't know about autism at school I got diagnosed at 21 after a college friend mentioned he just recently got his diagnosis after his father spotted the signs, I was much more social than him, i'd put it down to my obsession with sex, you need to socialise to have sex, but I  also wanted to be a part of something so i was motivated to get male friends as well. Me not understanding why i was ostracized as i didnt know about autism brought me into hate filled communities on reddit, i suspect most of them are on the spectrum as well, when you dont understand something its easy just to blame people, they aren't accepting me so they are whats at fault, I remember in the mens right subreddit when there was some clip of some quiet kid being picked on for not following a social norm people would be like  "this is why mass shootings happen" this was pretty much the hive mind and its epidemic, I'm glad i got out of those echo chambers and made some real friends.

 

I GOT A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE

[Chives99]

Dont get too nerdy around your interests at meetups you can chat a little bit but dont get too carried away you were good at the start when you mentioned about going to zen meditation and psychedelic society but not delving in too far, its good to have deep conversation with other guys but make it light with girls and playful. Good when you mentioned belting out tunes at work and people saying you needed a microphone.

[Chives99]

met some good people at meeting one girl invited me out with her friend to another meeting (karaoke) at different group I'd said I wanted to go she gave me a playful kiss on cheek

[Chives99]

I'm ready to throw my social rule book out the window,

yes be smart about what you do, but people really do just want you to read and mirror there body language, another girl added me on socials after 2nd meet, flirty girl that engaged in physical contact and kissed me on the cheek again is in a long term relationship according to  facebook  i snooped at so who knows what the fuck her game is but it doesnt look good.

[Chives99]

Its time to make a move with work colleague I think she would be a good match i over heard her saying "he needs to hurry up and make a move" that could have been about me, but it seems like she makes an effort for me to over hear. I can't deal with overly confident women as they are total hotties and have 10 guys after them which makes them a bit wild and flirting with every guy in my experience kinda like a female player,  women that are too quiet are no good either as im a social guy and love to get out and quiet women arent very approachable and make it hard work to build rapport they just expect you to read their mind constantly and wont do any mirroring, I mean im good at flirting , im very witty and have a quirky unique sense of humour , but if youre not mirroring on the same level id feel id  be harassing you, i like this girl at work, im going to try and get my flirt on and see if i she will mirror because she does to an extent but its like she will look over at me or ask me directly about stuff but wont make the jump to flirt , this doesnt happen with non shy girls since they know the dynamics of flirting and are confident with it. I will ask her about her plans outside of  work to show interest and see how she reciprocates and if she will flirt a bit and then i could chat of fb then ask her out. The only bad thing would be a rejection but atleast id know.

[Chives99]

can half jokingly say " we should hang sometime and see how she reacts" can inbox her and ask her how shes been etc,  doesnt look like i'd have the time for a propper good convo since we are always busy, but i got to shoot my shot i like her and find her attractive, we have some good laughs so i think its worth it.

 

find something you both feel comfortable doing

 

explore group meets vs 1 on 1 people vary differently, inbox first then in person

Edited April 28, 2023 by Chives99

[Chives99]

I'm ready, chat ,flirt, add on facebook, chat and flirt on facebook shortly after you add them, chat and flirt get too know, if you feel like you've done something to come on too strong you can apologise and say thats not what you intended. after you've gotten to know them a bit, ask them out for some informal date to get to know, continue to date . Talk to lots of girls, you can do this. I believe in myself, giving up is not an option ive come so far and I believe I can find somebody thats right for me a really good deep connection i can do this.

[Chives99]

Cracked at the end as I really wanted to be part of that conversation, let go of that need, if an opportunity presents itself to be part of a conversation engage, but dont need it, let go, go talk to other people. You were doing so well, just need to further do this and let go of needing to join a conversation just do it, let go of that need to join the conversation, only join if the opportunity presents itself. The next one is let go of the need be in a conversation if you find an opening to join ( think abbie and dominos) or if someone is giving you eye contact then you can. You did so well last night keep going. We banished the belief that people dont like you, they love you.

Edited May 3, 2023 by Chives99

[Chives99]

let go of rules and logic in regards to socialising , instead vibe and body language , harnass intution 

[Chives99]

no you're not the person i thought you were, i guess my black and white thinking saw you to be a kind and decent person, and never saw your petty judgemental , two faced side