Request for help

[reboota]

Hi, my name is Alex and I’m from Russia and I need practical help.

 

What I’m going to write next doesn’t come easy to me. I’m currently in Nepal and I find myself in the middle of a very dire situation. To keep things straightforward, I was in Turkey last year before Russian-Ukrainian war started, and I was during serious many-hours-pre day meditation practice, which did a number on my perception of reality, and I remember the day precisely- it was 23 of February - when I watched Leos video about solipsism which he deleted but which popped up without me even searching for it in the way of sound-only youtube video someone else recorded and did put out. I remember walking on a beach in Izmir listening to it and feeling really strange, and then the next day the war started, which was interpreted by me as a confirmation that it is my personal dream, and it made me disconnect from other people because I stopped seeing any point of living a life in my personal dream where such things as this war happen, and I lost the will to survive, because I didn’t see any point in connecting with people which aren’t even real.

 

That’s a big reason why I’m posting this here. I stayed with Leo and did practices suggested by him for the last 3 or 4 years, and I hold him partially responsible for my current situation. If solipsism in my case is actually true as he said in his deleted video and he is just a figment of my imagination, then it’s only fair for me to ask for help here, if on the other hand other people in my reality have inner lives of their own, which I feel right now is actually more probable, then putting up that video was highly irresponsible of him, given that there are quite a few suicidal people on this forum. He must have understood that and removed his video shortly after posting it, but I think it’s really no excuse given past history with people being actively suicidal here, there is no love in telling potentially suicidal people that their nightmarish reality is just a dream and basically pushing them towards suicide, because it removes incentive to connect with other people by perceiving them as unreal and it removes incentive to go on for loved ones because I started, for some time, perceiving them as non-existant, and felt extremely empty, and I’m sure I’m not alone here. 

 

So I stayed in Turkey until about 3 months ago, meditating a lot and wanting to achieve liberation from this world, and at very least from the feeling of chronic unease and tension which was with me since my childhood. I didn’t see any point in continuing to live in a dreamworld in which I was feeling this chronic tension. I tried to get some jobs in the summer and earned a little money, but feeling of chronic pointless of surviving and non-ending aversion toward the word I lived in, which was more and more perceived by me as not real prevented me from committing to survival for the good of my loved ones and finding ways to earn money. 

 

So about 3 months ago my money was running out and I went to nepal where I though I’ll get some job, but I got a local dengue fever, I was incapacitated and got psychotic and cut my hand with a knife. Then I went to the hospital and they patched me, but I probably some neurological complications and not really able to function right now. My money is running out and I can’t go back to Russia, because they will probably draft me and have me to kill myself because I don’t want to go to their stupid pointless war and kill other people. 

 

I’m very tired of I didn’t check the rules but I in large part expect this to be removed, despite that it will be very painful to me because it took me over 3 weeks to find resolve to post this here because I am not used to asking for help. But I leave it up to you now, basically it’s maybe my first and last plea for help. I need some money to survive, and I need about $400 per month to survive here, including food and housing. I’m not used for such money for me to be a problem because I have a decade of experience in system engineering, but I have neurological complications which prevent me from functioning which prevent me from taking a job in the industry right now and it’s what makes difference between living or dying right now. So I’m asking you to put up some fund and help me with some money to survive for next several months until I’ll be able to get back on my feet. I’m not sure I deserve help, but I don’t think I deserve to die either. I don’t really have anyone else to ask, because my parents are my only family which I’m in contact with and they are old and in Russia and don’t have money to support me, and I can’t go back to Russia because they will probably kill me by drafting in the army and sending to my death.

 

Honestly, I want to repeat that I write this here because of the impact of the Solipsim video be Leo, and I think it’s only fair for me to try to get help this way. In any case, it’s really painful and hard for me to write this because it’s hard for me to ask for help, but I’m also doing this action so that god might know my situation and find a way to help me.

 

I can provide required verification via zoom to moderators or other people of my story by telling it in person showing my documents and the recent knife scar. With all the talk about god Leo did over the years, I leave it up to god manifested as you to decide my fate, because I’m apparently helpless right now.

[TheNovice]

Maybe you can earn money by tutoring system engineering online/ finding low-skilled remote jobs like a call center rep/ or just a random local job.

Putting up fundraising might be a good idea, but it should not be that hard to do on your own.

Also, try to lower your living expenses, maybe you can go live at a hostel while you get better. 

 

As for your spiritual and emotional problems, I don't know what is right for you.

Maybe you are going through something the dark night of the soul, which is something that's necessary to go through. 

Or maybe you should try to forget about spirituality for a while, and focus on just getting by. 

 

Spirituality itself is a dangerous thing, no one person deserves the blame. 

 

https://www.gofundme.com/s?q=russia

https://www.varsitytutors.com/tutor-application?&v=variant

https://youarerad.org/

[r0ckyreed]

On 11/10/2022 at 0:36 AM, reboota said:

Honestly, I want to repeat that I write this here because of the impact of the Solipsim video be Leo

No. It isn't one video on YouTube that caused you to end up in your current situation, it is because of Putin's Damn War!!

By the way, you were warned many times, by the title of the video and by many warnings in that video that if you are suffering mentally to turn it off.  It was deleted for a reason.  This isn't what you wanna hear, but in the end, nobody is responsible for how you feel and what you do, but you.  You have free will to choice how to act, think, feel, and how to perceive reality.  You can act/perceive/think/feel in helpful or unhelpful ways.  

It is so amazing how many people destroy their lives through clinging to one idea and one philosophy.  I think you and many people here give Leo too much authority over truth.  Listen or not listen to whoever you want, but the main person you need to listen to is yourself and to think for yourself about what is really true.  

I wish you all the best.  I believe in you.  But more importantly, you gotta believe in you.  Take a deep breath, meditate, and connect with your inner-wisdom and inner-peace.  Let that be your guide to give you all the solutions you need.  Solipsism isn't the problem, it is the ego.  It is all about how you perceive, act, feel, and think.

Keep Going!!

Much Love,  <3 

Rocky

Edited November 11, 2022 by r0ckyreed