Letting Go Of A Crush So That I Can Focus On Growth

[Meretagh]

So I fell in love with this girl in my class (I’m 17). It’s been around 8 months now, and it only grew stronger with time. It started when we kind of emotinally connected and since then we communicated not often and not very straightforward, but sort of intensly. A while back I asked her to meet up and talk about it and after a while she finally said she doesn’t want to. For some reason that response made me feel like our communication ended there and it felt like I won’t ever heal again. I felt that way before but this time it was way stronger, at moments it hurt so much I thought I’m going to die. There I realized, that since the beginning I never gave up the possibility, that we would be together in the end. And now seeing, that in the end we wouldn’t, just really hurt. But at the same time I still absolutely didn’t give up wanting her, even after the pain. Now I don’t want to necessarily stop loving her, but my need to get her really directs my whole life subconsciously and I obviously don’t want that.

One of the reasons I got so attached to her is, that I have problems with girls in general. I never had a girlfriend, I’m not shy, I just can’t communicate with them very well (e.g., casual conversations and interactions absolutely don't come naturally from me). I did try to get better at it by just forcing myself (for a few months, just before I fell in love with this girl) and it did really help but at the same time it sent me more into deppression about being bad at it and ultimately I ended up in the same place with girls, just gaining more self-confidence.

So I have some questions, but while answering them, please consider these things:
Since we’re classmates, I see her almost everyday and that’ll continue for another year and a half. I have meditated daily for around two years but I don’t do anything with enlightment yet, so spirituality probably isn’t the way for me to solve this. Also I don’t have my life purpose figured yet, so my life is a little hollow in general. I constantly try to manipulate people (especially girls I like) by them seeing me in some extremely positive way (which one of the reasons why wanting someone in my class is so destructive for me). Anyway…

Do you have anything to say to this?

Is there something I might not be seeing?

Should I even be focusing on this issue? If yes, then what could be a right balance between working on my problems with girls/this specific girl vs. life-purpose and personal development?

Could there be a way to face my issues with girls besides socializing in school (which showed rather bad results for me)?

Is there a way to stop having/wanting to have hopes about getting this girl? Because that’s probably what keeps the whole thing alive.

[Shin]

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I never had a girlfriend, I’m not shy, I just can’t communicate with them very well (e.g., casual conversations and interactions absolutely don't come naturally from me).

Try harder, or it will fuck your life, just like it fucked mine until I had 26.

You won't believe me yet, but keep that in mind, that no matter how much intelligent/sweet/affectionate/beautiful/sexy/sex godess she is, she won't make you happy in the long run.

The only way for you to overcome your anxiety is not to get a girlfriend, it is by realizing that having a girlfriend isn't the solution.

Just like being rich, popular, successful, physically attractive, a sex god, powerful (status and strenght), isn't gonna make you happy.

Quote

I have meditated daily for around two years but I don’t do anything with enlightment yet, so spirituality probably isn’t the way for me to solve this.

Spirituality will solve every psychological trauma you have, because all your problem stems from your ego, from your false sense of identity, from the illusions created by your mind.

Yes you will still suck at picking up women, you will still suck at socializing, but you know what ?

All these issues are irrelevant when you genuinely don't care anymore.

Paradoxically it will make way easier for you to grow, because trying to do something when you don't care if it will work or not, is generally when you have the best results.

 

You're young, you should appreciate the fact you've discovered the spiritual world this early, it will save you many decades of suffering if you seriously invest your time and energy in it.

If you are seriously open to the fact that your mind could be fucked up and that a higher realm of reality is at play in the background, oh man, you're one in a million ...

 

Edited February 22, 2017 by Shin

[Toby]

Ignore her at best as you can. Don't talk to her, if you don't have to. Delete/block anything that you have of her: number, messages or profiles social media, any picture of her. And then focus on you and what you feel. Even if it hurts. Things will get better.

[YaNanNallari]

Even if you don't know your life purpose you can still figure out some things you value and enjoy, or what you think that others enjoy. Trying to be aligned with those can help forget her, although it still will be hard at least at the start. I'm not sure if this can work, but I'd try.

[Sevi]

@Meretagh

Hi.. You are so young❤ and so sweet..

First of all, everything heals in life, no matter what and free from the causes.. and you grow stronger each time (and I am not talking about toughening up, you grow out of the clarity and wisdom you gain)

Well, if she is yours: then she is yours. Nothing in this world can take away your belongings from you. We are all tenants here, aren't we? Till the moment of your death the things which are supposed to be around you will be there. Actually it is so out of question.

There is Carl Jung's theory of Synchronicity: there are some lab tests about it: when an atom's particles start to rotate in a direction, they observe one another's does it the same way at the same time too. It is most likely that she is experiencing the same emotions, probably same way.

You have communicated so well here, I don't think it's your issue. Being in love and socialising with girls are too different things. It's like swimming: you can do whatever exercises out of the sea which will help you a bit but none of them will simulate the real situation and environment. When you open your heart like this, it's impossible not to love you for a girl especially if you are sensing a connection. You might have been done something wrong but you will be forgiven; because it's clear that you care and give a shit; girls are connected to emotions, she will see that.

So, what to "do" ? When you meditate, what do you do? You sit there and let go of the control, isn't it? If you say: I don't want this desire to control my life, most likely you'll try to stop it or try to "do" something about it; then you'll be connecting to the desire more. Not easy but: accept the situation and if you can enjoy the situation: people die without having a little glimpse of love and connection; if you got the chance to feel such deep emotions,  can't we say that it's a lucky thing that you are experiencing life in depth in such young age? So let her be, she'll come around. Meanwhile your emotions will clear up. 

About life purpose: sometimes you work on it, you dictate; sometimes life has got something to tell you: (generally experienced like enforces the conditions on you) in that case: as in a Sufi's way: you say a warm welcome to them no matter what, because they are sent from 'The Lover' and those periods of time you go along with the flow. You pay attention to the signs and continue to live your life with your best genuine effort: so stay humble keep working on the things occurring in front of you. Keep your heart loving and open, the ones who can love, never loses any games. Ignorance is the major reason of all the wrongness we created on the world don't go down that path. You will be loved and appreciated.

??

[Meretagh]

@Shin

Thanks for sharing your story! I will try to question more deeply how happy having her would actually make me. Of course spirituality goes way further than this and will hopefully help me one day, I just meant, that it obviously can't provide any short term solution for me to move on in life. But I guess I could start appreciating that I even got to know about the existence of these things behind scenes.

@Toby

Thanks, I haven’t really considered this approach. Since I already tried my best with communiacting with her, I might as well do the opposite now. Surely I can delete our messages, just don’t know, if I can block her from our class... 

@Sevi

Thank you, a really beautiful response! I’m a little bit resistant to what you wrote, cause I’m afraid of having hopes and thus pain all over again – but at the same time it’s really inspiring and I love it! Definitely will try to open to your suggestions and bring them into my life. 

[Sevi]

@Meretagh

Well, darling we grow though pain and we all are afraid; but only the ones who dare to be hopeful and capable of holding a positive attitude and expectations toward life can reach out to those unique stages that not everyone can.. If Edison would have given up after his 872nd trial, today you and me couldn't be reaching out to each other; and probably he had some frustrations too, probably many of them: you are chasing after something which is not even existing yet; but he didn't quit and every night his determination lights your house.

Sometimes big pains can be seeds of such unusual things, you never know.. Keep swimming?

 

[electroBeam]

@Meretagh

Hey man, story sounds do similar to me.

Be careful about saying that you aren't shy. Just because you can walk up and talk to someone, doesn't mean that you arent shy, it just means that you have the guts to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

 

I was just like that in high school, still am to a degree, I couldn't communicate well with girls. I felt like i was boring them, talking about 'nice guy' stuff, etc. And i felt unattractive.

 

And the thing is I was unattractive

But not because there was inherently something wrong with me, but because what we believe about ourselves affects the way that we act.

If you keep telling yourself that you are bad at communicating with girls, what thoughts are gonna pop up when you start talking with girls?(hint its in this paragraph). 

Do you see how that would affect the way you talk about girls?

 

I had deep social anxiety, so I use to push myself into social situations that no one else would put themselves into, in a way of trying to liberate myself from the negative thoughts I had a bout myself. 

Did that help me much? Nope.

Because being exposed to your fears, doesnt change the beliefs about you, if you dont work on them specifically.

 

Whenever you start talking to girls, start believing that you are the greatest gift women could ever possibly find, because honestly while the law of attraction sounds airy fairy and lofty, theres some deep truth to it.

Your not the problem, but your beliefs are.

[egoeimai]

I was on a similar path,once. I won't stay to analyze things,but feel free to send p.m. If you ever want 'advice' lol or you want to express your feelings anonymously ofc. (I have done it a lot in the past on this subject which called 'crush')

Im only going to post here 1 quote that may lighten your way! 

 

[Sidi]

Hi 

I have been in the same position some months ago. I'm 17 too. My ex-crush also is I'n my school. I still feel a bit uncomfortable when I see her. But i realized something. Everytime I was thinking about her and felt bad, I was struggling to accept my current situation. Accept that she is gone. Than I take a deep breath and say to myself "can't change it", and finally let go, and then go back to my path in life. Try to practice this as much as you can in your meditation "accepting and opening your heart to reality". What you are going through happens to everyone of us . It is normal, and you will discover that it is a very beautiful feeling being back to center, grounded and dominating your path again, and being thankful that you got through all this.   good luck mate.

[abgespaced]

In addition to the great advice given in this thread, I would like to add the following warning:

If you ignore her and focus on yourself and your mission, as you should, she may begin to show interest in you. Do not be fooled by this change of behaviour; it is not genuine. She will just do it to allay her anxieties and regain her power over you. Any further effort you spend on her will be wasted.

Stay strong.

[Dragallur]

@Meretagh I do not really have a an idea for short term solution.. but from my experience after few months of self-inquiry my whole approach to girls and other attachments completely changed, every day life became so relaxed and some things stopped to matter so much. I have no idea if this would work for you too since I do not know how much in love you are with her. Also you could try to meet some new people, new girls so that your attention would diverge a bit and you would maybe find out that this person was not actually what you wanted and needed. Good luck Meretagh

[egoeimai]

13 minutes ago, Dragallur said:

@Meretagh I do not really have a an idea for short term solution.. but from my experience after few months of self-inquiry my whole approach to girls and other attachments completely changed, every day life became so relaxed and some things stopped to matter so much.  

Great advice but....

Quote

I do not know how much in love you are with her. Also you could try to meet some new people, new girls so that your attention would diverge a bit and you would maybe find out that this person was not actually what you wanted and needed. Good luck Meretagh

This is not good advice in my opinion. New girls/current girl,are irrelevant factors. Him finding new girls aint gonna solve his "problem". Its all in the mind.

Edited May 1, 2017 by egoeimai
save,solve*

[Dragallur]

@egoeimai Yes you are right that was more of a short term solution and those are only short termed, these things take a long time to solve and are complicated. From my view the problem is so big because the girl is in his class, I have been through something similar and it really fucks you up when you see the person everyday.. aka can not forget about her.

[egoeimai]

Just now, Dragallur said:

@egoeimai Yes you are right that was more of a short term solution and those are only short termed, these things take a long time to solve and are complicated. From my view the problem is so big because the girl is in his class, I have been through something similar and it really fucks you up when you see the person everyday.. aka can not forget about her.

Haha It seems a lot of people have experienced similar shit. 

To be honest,seeing someone or not seeing them,doesnt make ANY difference imo because,that which you have in mind/heart is there because is there.And you decide you let it go, or you keep holding on to that. Its all about a choice. Ive had a similar experience before! 

It will pass! 

[Loreena]

Be cool brother. In life, there are lot of things to experience. Don't take too serious. it's just  crush. I have had many, have had my heart broken several times. Don't give a fuck now. This happens. But your life is important, not some girl who won't be in your life forever. Focus more on self development Forget her because she doesn't matter anymore.

Ignore her completely.

When you're ready to have an awesome relationship(and this once your life is on track ) , you can start looking for that wonderful soulmate of your life.

Till then, it'll be wiser for you to focus on yourself,

[Loreena]

3 hours ago, Dead_Mouse said:

This sounds like a good idea. It's wise to focus on self-actualization and not let the pursuit of a potential "romantic" relationship get you sidetracked. If it is meant to be, all that other stuff will work itself out later.

But while on the road of self-actualization don't you think it's okay to be friends with others who are also on the same road as you can help each other out? If the friend happens to be of the opposite sex it seems this would be incidental as long as both people don't have expectations and just "go with the flow".

Well if that is the case,then it's really good. It is good as long as they don't get distracted from the real goal. 

[Meretagh]

Well thanks for all the advice... wasn't able to see how spirituality would help me with it yet, but maybe it would have been worse without it. But on one week long holiday in which I intensivly applied the ideas of The Power of Now I did get into peace and maybe more importantly, when the holiday was ending and I started to see myself getting back into the story of "my tragedy with her", it seemed really ridiculous... but also very tempting, and after the first day in school I got into it again.

Right now it seems that I need to just sit down and let the negativity come to me, after that I feel like nothin matters, so why not pursue the little stuff that makes me glad. That I'm not able to do everyday, though... I feel like I should. It's maybe one of the best spiritual practices I could have in a way at this moment. Also going on the journey of life purpose and spirituality, as opposed to being in the sad paralysis, gives me the sense of power again.

The most surprising thing right now from this is that I thought I would somehow solve this, by doing inner work, by socializing, by working on myself - but no, it probably won't just go away.

[egoeimai]

@Meretagh  neediness has deep roots mostly by childhood.but be here.be in the present moment! Is this actually happening around you? No.it is only in your mind.all these feelings...come and go. You feel needy then u forget about it and you dont,then again feelings come. Not a big deal. Living with it is just a challenge of the mind not so important as u think it is. The most wise thing is to allow the feeling if neediness. This or that,you cant escape even If u wanted to.accept it and all is well. ? when u accept it,peace will come and the solution BAM !

[egoeimai]

Actually it is very very silly If the needy person believes that neediness comes because of the type of the person he has to deal with (crush) .Its not about them. Never ever. It is inside u. They have nothing special.but youve built this ideal image in your mind.thats all.thats why when u meet the crush the dreams fade...expectations vs reality. Loool. But it is okay, its okay.! 

Just some mind games that's all! 

But If someone is immature on this (I used to be) I did believe it was about him her or whatever I was just trying to escape from it in all aspects. Not only avoiding the fact of letting him know,but not wanting to lose this dream. And it was this dream that I wouldnt let go of because whenever I was in an uncomfortable place in my mind I always had the "crush" to think about so I will let my mind travel into this beautiful places and it was actually a solution to any anxiety aka a coping mechanism of the mind,an escape!an illusion. So sometimrs u want to have a crush and the idea of it you hold on to so that it can help u with other issues. Just like conditional love and shallow relationships.ppl do create some of those in their lives so they make time an effort to have a pitty relationship and this situation makes them believe that with "love" they can face problems easier. With relationship,having the other person. Anyways.