Family: Mom threatening to kill herself over me not marrying

[assx95]

I had posted last month but it just got serious. My mom keeps having health complications, and is getting louder and more teary eyed, not in a good way.  In the sense, that she is like- Parents have certain expectations of their children, and if you're going to keep me unhappy by not marrying, then I'll suffer and die, and if i get some health complication, I will not get myself treated and just die. Basically, threatening suicide in a non conventional sense. 

She's unwilling to listen to any other point of view. I'm 27 M. I get the feeling she's trying to control my life. And complains that I don't listen to her. While she herself is unwilling to listen to me. I'm trying to take responsibility here. Will moving out further sour our relationship? I also feel like she doesn't even acknowledge my stance on my own life. And keeps comparing me to what people normally do. I feel like she held me responsible for the emotionally torturious life she'll lead if i don't marry. 

It's crazy how some people try to control others as their own puppets. Like they don't even acknowledge, forget respecting the independence of another life. Any suggestions? 

[Roy]

As brutal as it will be for you and her, you must gain independence and move out, and have the space and financial ability to set some hard boundaries. You have to honor your own life, not waste precious years in fear under her threats, stubbornness, and manipulations.

While we should be grateful and respectful of our parents, do not fall in the trap of trying to appease her whims. Especially toxic ones. It's one thing to have certain expectations and wishes for the kind of life you want your child to have, but that can easily spiral into an unhealthy form of control as you now know. I see this a lot with people. They fail to self-actualize and live the life they might have wanted for themselves, so they take the easy road and default to having kids as a form of "life purpose", and try to mold that person into who THEY wanted to be. A twisted second chance at life, so to speak.

You need to learn how to become radically individualistic, to the point of selfishness at times. Do not try to save her, some people can't be saved. Even family. The best you can do is try to be kind in helping her with her health issues, but work on your own life and serve as an example of love and contentment. If you are happy and healthy and living the life you want, maybe she will see that and start to change her perspective.

I'll share something a little personal. My dad was an alcoholic growing up. Picture any terrible scenario you can imagine with alcoholism, and that happened on at least one occasion in my life with him. I spent a lot of years growing up crying and spending so much energy trying to help him and get him to change, or quit. It never worked. It took me so long to realize I can only truly control myself. He can barely drink anymore because his health finally caught up with him, it is actually dangerous for him and makes him sick because of the various medications he needs to take. What the whole experience did was influence me to make myself into the person that was healthier, and the opposite of what I saw. I am a sober person that helps people for a living and doesn't get involved in all the nonsense alcohol brings. I made myself into someone he can be proud, which hopefully brings some light into his life.

You can also make yourself into someone your mother is proud of, and that can pierce through the cloud that's over her right now.

Hope any of this helps.

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by Roy

[integral]

Counterintuitively I think it’s healthier for you guys to be living separately.

When people are living in the same house together, especially when they’re unhealthy, just the fact that your there triggers there neuroticism to nag you about everything and demand things.

Living separately will give you guys room to breathe and form a better relationship.

Especially if they’re lonely.

Edited November 7, 2022 by integral

[thepixelmonk]

You're gonna get the same advice as last thread. Don't give in and just move out.

[assx95]

Yes, I will move out. Makes sense. It is harder to convey this though to my parents. 

[Federico del pueblo]

@assx95 That all sounds terrible.

But yes, it seems like there's no other option. Move out and live life on your terms.

It seems like your mom is dealing with serious psychological issues, what she's doing to you is highly abusive.

Don't feel any guilt. Your mom is coping and trying to transfer her own issues on to you. You are alright the way you are.

[StarStruck]

The dynamics in the relationships need to change and this won’t happen without a shit show because you allowed them to steam roll you for so long. You basically need to develop your own vision for your life and stay true to your own vision. They won’t agree but you need to put your foot down and be a man. If you don’t she will be there during your honey moon trying to put your dick in your newlywed wife who you probably don’t even want to fuck. Overbearing mothers are especially destructive to young men. It is not your fault. It is your fathers fault for letting this happen.

 

[Byun Sean]

"Marriage is my own decision not yours. I love you and I want you to be well but this is my decision to make.

I am here to support you but you are ultimately responsible for your own life and happiness."