Journal about problems in my relationship

[infinitenrgy]

 I have gotten myself into a pickle I don’t know how to get out of. I don’t know what to do with my relationship with girlfriend. I feel so alone, I have nobody I can turn to with this. I feel stupid for even having the feelings I am feeling and I feel like it's my fault, but that also doesn't feel like I'm being fair enough to myself.

She promised me things were going to change when we moved out of my moms and that’s all she needed in order to finally get her shit together and start doing better. She is depressed, negative and anxious more of the time then not. She is also extremely needy. Every weekend I find myself stuck in the apartment half of the day until she finally goes to work because she doesn't want me to leave. It never usually gets voiced out loud but last night she said that she wants there to be a rule where I can't leave until she does if we are both home when she has to work. 

This completely destroys my productivity on weekends. Even once she leaves I feel so annoyed, irritated and drained that I still can't motivate myself to get right up and go to work. I feel so resentful towards her. Half the time I'm being passive aggressive and she doesn't know why and this probably adds onto her problems and makes them even worse then they already are. But its hard not to be passive aggressive when I feel used and unsupported. I feel unloved in return. I feel like she needs so much from me that it ruins my mindset for the whole day sometimes and it just doesn't feel fair to me anymore at all. 

This kind of stuff has been eating me up since we moved and I feel so deeply involved and attached to this that I can't escape and I have nobody I can go to for help.

I have been having so much anxiety on my own that suicidal thoughts are a daily thing for me now. I know that’s something I would never do, but I get so depressed that it starts becoming the only thing I can think about as an option. I want to be there for her and I do love her. Some days it is easy for me to deal with all this and I do great but other days I feel like I deserve so much more and I'm not sure if I am ever going to get it from her.

I feel like I could never express these feelings to her because it would just make her feel way worse then she already does and put serious pressure on her shoulders that I don’t think she could handle. I need someone who supports me. I need someone who see's what I want out of this life and see's what I am trying to do in this world and someone who motivates me to keep going and accomplish my goals. 

At certain times this is her, but usually only once I've gotten so low that it’s completely obvious to her that I am in no position to keep helping her that it flips around and she starts to help me. I let her help me and tell her its just my own depression and bad thoughts when deep down I really know that it's coming from the dynamic of our relationship. 

Most of the time I am holding so much in trying to stay strong for her as long as possible and even when I do show her how upset I am I never actually voice to her why. How do you tell someone you don't know if you can handle giving them the love and help that they need? How do you tell someone that you need more support from them when the whole problem in the first place is that they can't even support their self? 

I just feel so stuck. I don't want to leave her, I see us having an amazing future together on the good days. When we work together things feel like they are good and can turn out great in the end. She is my best friend in life after all. But I don't feel like she has been supporting me to do better, it is impossible for her to see or for me to tell her how much she holds me back sometimes. 

I feel like I'm in a vicious circle where I get away from this when I go back to work but even at work I feel depressed because then I am stuck there and I still can't do what I really want to be doing. There is no mental trick I can do for myself to get out of this. I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to better myself and get to a good place where I can be happy and start to think about a new job or a new career doing something I love, but I feel so held back by the person who is supposed to be pushing me along. 

We haven't had a sexual relationship at all in almost a year now. We have had sex here and there, but it was unfulfilling for both of us. We have talked about it many times and that has become another thing I am not sure if we will ever be able to get through and fix. I want to have sex. I crave sexual intimacy and love from a women so fucking deeply that it hurts and its become something that I just indulge in porn to hide from. To the point where I feel like if any women were to throw herself at me it would just be irresistible. I feel disgusting for that because I pride myself on not being like my father or my stepdad and never cheating or hurting my loved one in that way. But it is times like this that I understand them and where they were coming from. They were hurt too. They felt unloved probably longer then I can even imagine. They were stuck too. There is only so much love a man can give without receiving anything in return before he starts to feel sick, used and unlovable. 

At the same time as feeling bad for myself and feeling like I deserve more, I feel guilty for it. I feel like a real man is strong enough to handle this and that Is all that motivates me to keep going most days. I feel like I'm wrong to feel this way, she isn’t purposefully withholding love or wanting me to feel this way and she does want the best for me, I know she believes in me. So how can I blame her for making me feel the way I do. It's not her fault she is so broken and needs the amount of love and attention from me as she does. She has had a hard life and part of the reason why I love her is because she has been strong enough to make it this far and I think we could go way further and really do something amazing together. But without her to blame I can only blame myself and frame it in a way where it's my own mental creating this depression for myself. 

How can I blame her for my own jerking off and wasting the rest of my day once she's gone to work? Half of me says I'm unsupported and unloved and I don't get the sex that I desire so I do what I have to in order to keep going. But the other half of me says I am only doing this to spite her to try to get her to see how hurt I am with actions and get her to change without even telling her it's something I need to change in the first place. She knows easily when I have had a day where I did a lot vs a day where I did nothing. That part of me thinks I shouldn't even be hurt in the first place and I'm just making excuses to not do the work I need to in the little time I have. 

I know being a random person reading this it might not make much sense as I have left out so many details. This Is just a journal I have written to get these feelings out into words that I have been holding in for awhile. I know posting this isn't going to solve anything but maybe someone here can shed a little light for me and show me where I might be thinking in a fucked up way. I don't know what to do other then keep it pushing and trying to be better at navigating all of this regardless if I think I've only gotten worse as time goes on.

[Raze]

Both of you try getting ifs therapy and seeing a couples counselor, and read beyond mars and Venus