How you develop a secure attachment style?

[Manny]

Things i do :

Mindfulness practice/self Compassion

Exercise 

Reading books about it

Therapy

 

[universe]

Self-Love

Enlightenment experience

And also just growing out of your previous attachment styles.

Letting go of the need to be with a partner.

Or letting go of the need to be separated from your partner.

 

Around 59 minute mark.

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[docs20]

Check out Daniel P. Brown work.

 

The Travelbum dating coach focuses his work now entirely on that and he is very good

[King Merk]

I think the core of having a healthy attachment style is coming from a place of genuine self worth and confidence.

If you genuinely love yourself then you won’t have a problem if you partner leaves you.

However if you’re insecure you’ll get needy and become overly attached if they try to leave or you’ll become overly distanced and push them away any time things get difficult 

[UnbornTao]

@lxlichael Just curious: Where did you take all that from?

Edited December 9, 2022 by UnbornTao

[thisintegrated]

4 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

@lxlichael Just curious: Where did you take all that from? In a book? 

*ass

[Raze]

Get ifs therapy 

[UnbornTao]

@thisintegrated ?

@lxlichael OK

Edited December 9, 2022 by UnbornTao

[Carl-Richard]

Find out which type of insecure attachment style you have and work on assessing those specific problems.

[thisintegrated]

25 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

@thisintegrated ?

You asked where he go it from, nvm

[Leo Gura]

Provide yourself the love you crave.

[Tyler Robinson]

1 hour ago, lxlichael said:

What are the pillars for an insecure attachment style?

1. Low-ego-awareness
2. Low trauma awareness
3. Low emotional literacy
4. Low emotional self-regulation
5. Higher in neuroticism and rumination
6. Higher in disagreeableness
7. Higher in submissiveness or extremes in either end  
8. Higher in conformity, so give in to peer pressure, others manipulations, what another may say about your relationship, etc
9. Low in communication ability 
10. Low in dispute resolution ability 
11. Low in desire for peace
12. Low in desire to resolve conflict 
13. Ego areas: low in self-honesty, self-connectedness and self-acceptance and a final interesting one, the ability to control and be controlled, as relationships require the health of this to some degree 
14. Higher in selfishness 
15. Higher in codependence
16. Lower in impulse control 
17. Higher in sex drive but lower impulse control
18. Higher in trust issues especially around love
19. Lower in sentimentality
20. Lower in openness to experience
21. Lower in conscientiousness
22. Lower in honesty-humility 
23. Lower in extroversion of inner world 
24. Less educated, poorer diet and exercise
25. Lower in existential alignments from life purpose to otherwise
26. Have any pre-existing mental illness, not that you’re wrong or bad for having it but as a minimum it’ll be difficult for someone to open up about it
27. Have less good friends 
28. Lower in critical thinking 
29. Lower in long term planning
30. Higher in drug and alcohol use (generally speaking)
31. Lower in empathy - a person won’t even be able to properly empathize with why they need to change for another person and they won’t even choose the right person to help them through that 
32. Unsupportive partner
33. Unsupportive family/parents 
34. Fixed mindset as opposed to a growth mindset 
35. Live in a third world country or an area with either a higher crime rate or where lower social standards are tolerated 
36. Have an addiction of some kind
37. Use social media especially the more you use it - it’s designed after all to make someone feel insecure so they then use it more
38. Be a caffeine drinker as opposed to say green teas 
39. Be higher in interpersonal aggression, so in your close relationships. That needs to be changed if you got that by any degree. 
40. Lower in patience or easily frustrated —- take up an activity that is going to train you here and in other points 
41. You against the world. Be more antisocial, the more antisocial you try to be the more trust issues will manifest and the more safe insecurities will feel but the more imprisoned you’ll be by them. 
42. Make excuses for either why you don’t have problems or why you do but can’t do anything about them 
43. Blame other people more than simply appraising situations accurately, candidly and without the need to gain something in return outside of the knowledge of reality to those ends 
44. Avoid responsibility including of your own emotions and the effect potential negative ones have on your personal well-being 
45. Feel the need to be the victim in the relationship, for example the victim vs rescuer dynamic. Eventually for things to become secure, reality appraisal needs to occur where things become increasingly more interdependent with a natural symmetry in the masculine and feminine. This makes me think of Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne. Insecure dynamics and transactional styles that mirror this are repeated in the underlying fear of abandonment or dissolving of the relationship I.e if there is nothing to “fix”.
46. A lack of awareness over what healthy relational styles and relationships actually look like. This lack of exposure makes you think your default is automatically right perhaps say simply because it’s given you results in the past but perhaps the partner doesn’t know how to carefully confront you about it because they know you or neither of you are equipped to handle the conflict that would result 
47. Being secretive. In a relationship this just doesn’t really make sense, it means there’s other reasons why you’re in the relationship outside of interfacing with another like being to aid one another of say the progression of each other’s consciousness. For most it’s just bang each other and then mediation in between banging where there isn’t conflict as there isn’t very deep value discernment. Being secretive also points to the previous “antisocial”, trust issues and lack of healthy communication or at a minimum the space for it. Secretiveness equals a need to hide underlying insecurities by definition. At least I guess that’s what it seems like most of the time.
48. Attention and validation seeking where it isn’t in a trusted, healing, growth oriented relationship. So many people are like that, they’ll treat the validation and approval of some random stranger just as valuable sometimes even more valuable than their intimate connection. It’s a massive red flag. The opinions of people outside of a  well trusted context shouldn’t matter. That’s the whole purpose of building a trusted context so that you can trust the person and not have to worry about other people especially randoms… or fandoms sometimes it’s them ha. If you’re attention and validation seeking at all it means you’re unable to self love and if you’re unable to seek that in the intimate connection that’s built on many healthy pillars it means you have an insecure attachment. For many people they may know they’re insecure and do this but they’re so insecure they’d rather not change and instead stick to that unhealthy dynamic even though the seeking of validation from the external like that undermines the basis for any genuine connection. Many pickup artists for example base their entire “game” around their ability to undermine a woman’s integrity in this way by figuring out how to get her to win the guys approval. Many pickup artists as well are playing the same game of trying to win approval by getting the attention of a woman they deem “hot”. This is what creates unhealthy dynamics for the women as well because then they treat themselves in that objectified way. Somewhere along the line they all forget they were just kids once playing around without a care in the world.
49. Having online relationships but not able to convert those online relationships into real life connections as a part of keeping people at a healthy distance. 
50. Insecure attachment style means that a person is going to do everything under the sun they care to that falls outside what looks like a healthy attachment. From manipulation to gaslighting to irrational fears and more and because it’s within their normality it’s what you have to put up with. If a person isn’t serious about working on their attachment style and becoming emotionally mature where they are able to recognise you in the same way you recognise their sovereignty you need to start questioning your own attachment style. So this one is two-fold. Low emotional maturity on the one hand and or you’re entertaining relationships with others where low emotional maturity is tolerated. We can have relationships of all kinds but the boundaries need to be clear and the discernment for those boundaries so they’re done in a healthy and introspective way are done intelligently.

This is a gem. I can write this in my journal. 

Thanks Mike. 

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Matt23]

Going through difficult things with others and taking leaps of faith with them. Trust. Honesty. Courage. Togetherness. Faith (in each other). Love. 

 

AEDP therapy (Diana Fosha) = recommend checking her out. 

Basically, this therapy's POV is, if I understand it, to create a secure attachment with your therapist in order to adequately process emotions to completion and what comes next are transformational "Strivings" (specific emotions) that come online.  So it's not just about healing old wounds, but about flipping the story (and emotions that run you) to positive and motivational ones. 

To create the foundation of a secure attachment is through going through difficult things with others.  Basically.  Taking "leaps of faith" with others and coming out on the other side together.