Accept failure?

[Meditationdude]

6 months ago I left my home, business and everything I’ve ever known and loved to pursue my dream and purpose. After about a month my motivation and confidence started to decline and things started getting really bad. I was alone (literally - I lived in my van) for months, I old patterns of anxiety started to creep back in. Fast forward 4 months to present time and things have gotten significantly worse. I haven’t gotten a single client or made a single dollar off of my life purpose. I am completely out of money - at 36 yes old I am broke, no savings, nothing! All of my mental Illnesses are coming back full force!  I have regressed to who I was 10 years ago, panicked, depressed and hopeless. 
I thought I did everything right - I did the work, I had the courage, I made the leap of faith - only to fall flat on my face! No one who knows me understands me or my purpose. Everyone wants me to give up, grow up and get a normal job and stop chasing dreams. My gf doesn’t trust me any longer bc I’m not confident in my pursuits any more.

I’m stuck! And I mean like for real stuck! I can’t move; I sit inside all day thinking up ways to move forward and then dont take action. I feel too fucked up and depressed to do anything. 
 

I don’t have a home or know where I will stay but that’s not even enough motivation to get a job. I have a college education and am capable I’d rather die in the street than go backwards.

I blow up over the smallest shit - my gf probably hates me at this point. I used to be so chill and now I’m a nervous wreck! 
 

I am mad at the world, my mentors, every self help author and my self. “Just surrender and accept bro” Go fuck yourself! I never should have started self actualizing or following my “path.” It’s way to difficult! Worst of all there’s no turning back - I’m stuck watching my depression and anxiety with full awareness. Stuck watching the disgusting world . And if you think that’s all it takes to release you of them then you’re just as stupid as I am. 
 

As someone who’s been at this work for over 7 years and tried to do the right thing - don’t! Do what everyone else is doing! Trust me you will be happier. The little moments of bliss are bullshit! They will disappear faster than our democracy is about to. The advice gurus and experts give you are WRONG! They got lucky as fuck or are trying to make a buck.

I truly so hate this world and the people in it. I didn’t always but I do now. Not bc of my own situation but because I can see with eyes wide open. It’s discussing- I can’t wait for it to be over 

[universe]

I feel you. Getting your Life Purpose to work can be tough.

But it also seems you are exactly where you want to be.

1 hour ago, Meditationdude said:

I have a college education and am capable I’d rather die in the street than go backwards.

 

What is your LP?

In general, if there is someone out there who could make it a profitable business and you are currently not able to do it, it means you do not see reality clearly enough.

So saying you already see it all very clearly might be the number one thing holding you back.

 

All that aside, congratulations for your hard commitment to your LP.

Not anyone can do that.

 

[Danioover9000]

@Meditationdude

   Yes, but don't stop yourself there at just accepting those failures and doing nothing else. Accept those failures and learn from them, contemplate why you fail at this or that, and if you can seek feedback. You're actually doing better than half the people that face those failure points and don't accept those failures and are in denial that they failed, so really you are 50% ahead of most people, you just need to pull yourself together for the remaining 50%. GL..

[Meditationdude]

@universe of course my LP is just like everyone else’s who tries to self actualize - life coaching/mentoring. Just typing and saying that in my mind feels like a joke! Why do we all think we are so intelligent and after some progress want to “uplift the world.”

It’s a cosmic troll - another way life will let you down and crush your soul. 
 

Yeah others can make it as a coach or mentor and I can’t. I cannot get anything done. It’s not that I’m not seeing reality clearly enough - I’m frozen!  I try but nothing happens. I sit to write a blog or work on finding clients and I end up down some other rabbit hole. Rinse and repeat day after day living in a sea of stress, disappointment and depression. I have no doubt I’d be incredible at this job and in this work but I struggle big time with building a business. I despise being on my computer doing “work.” All I want to do is coach and talk to people but all I’ve done the past 6 months is busy work, administrative garbage and all the shit I hate. I even started writing! I fucking hate writing! The entire time I’m putting together blogs I am in hell! It takes way too long and nobody even reads them. Same with filming YT videos. It takes forever and it’s just not worth it. I am not interesting or fun or willing to be fake. I’m not going to play the game, period. Spirituality is not sexy or cool or fun - Nobody gives a shit! I am spinning my wheels trying to make something of myself just to end up broke again. I left behind my entire life for this - started over and fell flat on my face! Im embarrassed, ashamed and disappointed in myself. Im guilty of taking money from loved ones and wasting it on a fantasy - a failure. Getting to the point where I was able to even try this was unbearable. Closing my business, leaving my friends, family, support, everything I knew. Building my van, planning everything, selling all my belongings or moving it to storage - all for nothing! Literally over 100k spent - for what? More depression and anxiety and failure. I’ve never been more embarrassed. Everyone was right, this isn’t possible - I’m a fucking idiot! Another spiritual loser!

What’s the point? To continue to move even further away from my family and friends? To continue “surrendering” myself so I can maybe be one of the luckiest .000000001% of people who awaken? Then what? No one will resonate with you, and you can’t resonate without anyone. 
 

So yeah, let’s spend two decades transforming yourself to just end up alone.

I think I’m better off joining in on the insanity than this route. At least I will be somewhat happy instead of whatever the fuck this shit is.

All I want to do is help other people but I can’t. Im too fucked up to follow my purpose and too invested to quit. 
 

So fuck you reality, suck all of my balls! 
 

I give up - for real. I’m going to embrace homelessness. I’m going to snowboard everyday and live in the parking lot. In the summer I’ll surf and live in a parking lot. I’m going to just be a bum. That’s all there is for me anyway, so I must embrace. I will give nothing and only take - just like everyone else. When I give, all I receive is pain. Maybe if I take I will be accepted and happy-ish like the rest of the world. 
 

Anything but this!

[Phil King]

9 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

my LP is just like everyone else’s who tries to self actualize - life coaching/mentoring.

 

10 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

eah others can make it as a coach or mentor and I can’t. I cannot get anything done. It’s not that I’m not seeing reality clearly enough - I’m frozen!  I try but nothing happens. I sit to write a blog or work on finding clients and I end up down some other rabbit hole

 

13 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

I even started writing! I fucking hate writing! The entire time I’m putting together blogs I am in hell! It takes way too long and nobody even reads them. Same with filming YT videos. It takes forever and it’s just not worth it. I am not interesting or fun or willing to be fake. I’m not going to play the game, period. Spirituality is not sexy or cool or fun - Nobody gives a shit!

4 hours ago, Meditationdude said:

I was alone (literally - I lived in my van) for months

I dont mean to sound like an asshole but what at all makes you qualified to be a life coach. I personally would not want to be coached by a depressed, mentally ill guy who is homeless and cant sit down to do any work.

[Meditationdude]

@Danioover9000 what if the reason I’m failing isn’t something I can overcome? I’m 36 and still struggling. I’ve tried it all; medication, therapy, solo retreats, cleaning up my diet, exercise, I don’t drink, smoke or party, I don’t have social media or watch TV. All I do is work on myself, and it doesn’t matter. It’s doesn’t work. 
I did everything right and nothing is happening. 
Do I feel sorry for myself? Fuck yes I do! How would you feel if you spent the last decade doing intense work on yourself to find out it made you feel worse? How would you feel if you deliberately went against the status quo to pursue something you felt was going to benefit yourself and mankind - to find out it was bullshit, a waste of time? 
 

My life hasn’t even started yet. Since I was in my early teens I was a drug addict (Thanks Mom), then once I got sober-ish I discovered many mental illnesses. Most I cannot overcome. So I’ve been dealing with those. 
I get so overwhelmed that I can’t/wont do most things. I can’t have children or do anything with large amounts of responsibility- I can’t handle it. I won’t marry my gf bc the thought of a wedding is so overwhelming I’d rather die alone. Buying a house is a joke! I can’t handle the stress’s of owning a home, no way! 
 

I honestly just want to be left alone 

[Meditationdude]

@Phil King nothing - nothing does. I’m a loser bro 

[Phil King]

 

[Meditationdude]

@Phil King did you just quote the unabomber? Ty for reminding me why I should have never come to this forum for help. Fucking prick 

[Phil King]

@Meditationdude you seem to have a terrible case of a victim mindset. Idk how you’ve worked on yourself for 7 years and haven’t lost that. Also the source of the quote doesn’t make it any less true. Be more openminded 

[Meditationdude]

On 11/6/2022 at 0:25 PM, Phil King said:

I dont mean to sound like an asshole but what at all makes you qualified to be a life coach. I personally would not want to be coached by a depressed, mentally ill guy who is homeless and cant sit down to do any work.

On 11/6/2022 at 0:33 PM, Meditationdude said:

@Phil King nothing - nothing does. I’m a loser bro 

Hold up, @Phil King I want to change my answer now that I am feeling a bit better. 

What I 'should' have said but couldn't see at the time was that; 

First and foremost, any practitioner worth a fuck would have noticed the obvious signs of an ego backlash occurring. But you, instead of noticing, and over all other options, chose to take action and lead with negativity. That paints the loveliest portrait of your character, maturity and emotional impulse control - well done. See, if roles were reversed – you were me, hurting. I was you, browsing A.org bored with nothing better to do with my life; or actually I do, I just take the easy route in life any chance I get so I distract myself from my own pain by helping to solves the source of others. At least thats what I tell myself. In reality I'm here to feel good – to feel self righteous, intelligent and better than. But shh, don't tell @Leo Gura

If roles were reversed – when I am feeling ok I chose kindness, empathy, and do whatever I can to help others. 

To recap;

You = dick face who kicks people when they are down

Me = picks people up

So yeah, there's one reason why I'm qualified to be a coach – here are 10 more

1. I used to eat 10-20 Vicodin a day – for years. Now I don't. I haven't touched opiates in over a decade and I never went to rehab or received help of any kind. 

2. I use to be 50lbs overweight my entire youth into early adulthood. Now and for the last 8 years I have maintained being ripped, strong, and flexible. 

3. I don't drink alcohol, eat fast food or anything like that. Because I don't poison myself anymore

4. I have over 3,000 hours of meditation, have done multiple month long solo retreats, and one 3 1/2 month solo retreat.  A few awakenings and peak experiences. 

5.  I put my family back together – My estranged brother of 8 years and parents. I orchestrated and did all the difficult emotional work to make it happen; and it worked. I'm a youngest in the family. I did that!

6. I have extremely high levels of integrity – to a fault I hear

7. I have already been coaching people for over 6 years, just in a different role (personal trainer)

8. I escaped corporate America and achieved financial independence (once) – I can and will do it again. I have also been self employed 8 years. 

9. I have the respect of my partner, family, friends and acquaintances. Even the ones who don't like or agree with me. I am the first person people in my circle come to for help, support or life advice. Friends, uncles, even my older brother. From all walks of life; doctors, lawyers, CEOs and entrepreneurs. 

10. I am actually going for it. Everyone else talks, no one takes action. But not me, I take action. I am going through the fear, pain and suffering of doing whatever it takes. I am taking a shot at my dream.

 

I like my resume! 

 

But it doesn't even matter if I 'make it' doing coaching or whatever. I will be ok regardless because I will make it eventually – that's just the type of person I am. 

And don't think I don't appreciate your comments; I do. I am grateful. Grateful that now, when I am feeling down, I can remind myself that at least I am not you. Miserable fuck!

 

 

 

[Phil King]

23 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

any practitioner worth a fuck would have noticed the obvious signs of an ego backlash occurring

I am not a practicioner nor ever claimed to be a practicioner. I am a 20 year old with little life experience

 

24 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

That paints the loveliest portrait of your character, maturity and emotional impulse control - well done. See, if roles were reversed – you were me, hurting. I was you, browsing A.org bored with nothing better to do with my life; or actually I do, I just take the easy route in life any chance I get so I distract myself from my own pain by helping to solves the source of others.

I guess thats a fair critique however if you genuinely actually were me, and had gone through my exact life experiences, you would have done nothing differently than me.

 

25 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

You = dick face who kicks people when they are down

Me = picks people up

This made me laugh

26 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

I like my resume!

Wonderful, I wish you best of luck on all your future endeavors. And dont forget that Ted Kazcynski quote

[Phil King]

37 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

I am grateful. Grateful that now, when I am feeling down, I can remind myself that at least I am not you. Miserable fuck!

This was rude lol

 

[Roy]

Sorry for what you're going through @Meditationdude. You know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it's not necessarily going "backwards" getting a job or some sort of career again. I'm sure you are qualified and can find something that will give you some level of fulfilment. It sounds like what you need is some stability in your life. You don't have to go all-in with a job. Find something to give you some balance, keep your van for travelling and enjoying life.

36 is not "old". Think about it, you have another 30 years before the classic retirement age of 65! That's basically your entire lifetime all over again, except now you've got all your experiences and wisdom to guide you now 

It's ok that you took the dive and it didn't work the way you thought it would. Be proud of yourself for going for it, most people never do. There are no guarantees so don't beat yourself up alright? Even for the people that are psychotically hard workers and sacrifice everything, it sometimes doesn't work out. It also takes a lot of luck, and being in the right place for opportunity.

It does sound somewhat like you lost yourself trying to pursue an idea of who you were supposed to be, at least from this post. A perfect "actualized" version of yourself. Forgive me if I'm wrong. It's just something I've noticed in this community and in myself from my own life. Being too hasty and pressured and not realizing you have an entire lifetime to develop. Your journey will take whatever pace it needs to.