ex-girlfriend thinks the breakup is a mistake

[Fadious]

I started dating this girl 6 months ago, our shared passion for metal music brought us together, we had fun hanging out together both at home and outside. She's completely infatuated by me. The sexual chemistry is amazing and kept getting better and better. 

But since the beginning I felt like there was something missing, a certain lack of a deeper connection. I don't know if it's her personality, lack of maturity, maybe some insecurities she has, or something about my own preferences and priorities, but I just couldn't develop deeper affection towards her. She's like a friend who I hang out and have great sex with, rather than a romantic partner.

She is also a jealous person, she had previous relationships where people blatantly cheated on her, so I understand where the extra sensitivity comes from. She got upset last week when I told her that I'm still friends with an ex that I broke up with more than a year ago. I explained the situation to her, was honest and transparent with her about everything, that I'm not interested in going back to my ex, and that she already has a new boyfriend. She calmed down, but her jealousy flared up again a couple of days after, that's when I decided to finally reveal to her about how I don't have deeper emotions towards her, and that I don't think it's best to continue the relationship.

At first, she got angry, then calmed down, and started apologizing for behaving the way she did. She was surprised to learn that my feelings towards her are not as strong, since my actions conveyed otherwise. This is a problem from my side, I didn't say anything earlier, I liked her so much and I was hoping for my emotions to catch-up with time, but they didn't.

I explained to her that I don't judge or blame her for her jealous emotions, she realized what she did and apologized which is what matters to me. I told her the main reason for the breakup is my lagging feelings of deeper connection towards her. I also mentioned to her that her fascination with me may have given me the notion that she "needs" the relationship, which is not a healthy basis. It is better if two people want to "share" each other rather than be dependent on one another.

She told me that that was not the case, that she is not dependent on me, and that she would be okay if the relationship goes on or not. She is just struggling to understand why the relationship has to end now. She wants us to give it more time, to see how it goes, and keep enjoying each other's company as we did before. I told her I needed some time to think about it, so now I'm debating whether to give this another shot.

I'm not in a place where I want to date anyone else, right now I'm focusing on my work as I'm changing my career path. I won't lose anything by giving the relationship a bit more time, it's enjoyable and rather easy and comfortable. I'm just worried she will get hurt even more when we (more than likely) breakup again in the future. 

Maybe there's a problem with my definition of a successful relationship. Maybe it doesn't have to last forever, and I should just let the relationship run its course, enjoy our time and learn all the lessons we can from each other.

[Gesundheit2]

The longer you stay with her, the more attached to you she will get, and the harder the fallout will be, for her at least.

That being said, I don't think the decision you make right now will affect your life that much later down the road, as you can still break up at any point in the future without much consequences. But perhaps the deeper issue that needs to be addressed here is the lack of decisiveness on your part, and the tendency to be swayed by emotions in the moment rather than following what's right for you in the long run.

[Snader]

Just be careful not to deceive yourself by using that ''I can always leave later'' rationalization as an escape from the hurt that would come from the breakup. Breakups are painful and that is an appealing alternative, especially if the relationship doesn't totally suck.

You know the best whether you should keep on or not. Listen to your intuition. I've also struggled with relationships while having business and career changes going on, and as a guy who have high standards for relationships I can say that those big changes will eat your time and energy so that you might not have enough for the relationships. It could work if you are totally on the same page and respect each other's boundaries, assuming you have the necessary feelings towards each other.

[petar8p]

Don't get back into a relationship. If something deeper lacks it is a 100% a sign that you shouldn't. 

 

If sexual chemistry is great, you can offer her a fwb relationship, but know that she's ok with it and it won't have a net negative effect on your life.