Of what I have at my disposal, what's best for confronting crutches (alcohol) & traum

[EmergentUniverse]

Hey All, 

     So I've had a bunch of anxiety about coming back to this forum and reading responses to some recent posts. Not necessarily because I didn't mean them...I certainly meant them at the time and was cognizant if what I was saying. No excuses. I simply hate myself anytime in using a crutch, because I know it's not my purer self. 

     I've been caring for my mother through some very difficult health battles, including some that left her in a psychotic state mostly due to lack of sleep and falling asleep in very dangerous positions/situations leading to head-trauma. This had lead to a couple of ER stays of the 7-to-10 day variety in the past few months alone. She's the most loving thing I've ever known, and it breaks my heart. 

     Having confronted my relationship with alcohol in the past and having remained sober through many of her trials, I eventually caved-in one particularly bad night during one of her more challenging experiences. My alcohol use has managed to reestablish itself since then. This is very disappointing to me, and I'm worried that some past health issues that were indeed terrible experiences resulting from my alcohol use might come back and be worse if I continue down this path. Simply knowing this fact and having those bad experiences (however effective they might have once been as teachers) do not seem to serve the same purpose now as a distant memory. 

     I found Actualized and psychedelics in my search to improve myself, and offer a clearer prism and version of myself that I know well and know is there from past experience. I'd also like to push beyond any past experiences and enter a new way of relating to my own consciousness, and to everything else (I see the irony there.)

     I have limited experience with mushrooms (3x-times), dpt (1x-time), and lsd (7x-times.) I'm currently in possession of mushrooms, 4-aco-dmt, 1p-lsd, eth-lad, dpt, 5-meo-malt, and should have some al-lad here tomorrow(ish.) My most intense experience so far include 4g of relatively potent mushrooms, and also one occasion where I combined 2g-mushrooms with 100ug-1p_lsd.

     My question is as the title suggest and that I'll ask as follows for anyone willing to offer insight:  What is in anyone's opinion - understanding that everyone is different - as to how I might put my best foot forward into any kind of experience, given what I have at my disposal, and to addressing these concerns?

     I'll end by saying that I do appreciate the regular members here as I've come to read many of your comments regarding a variety of subjects. I was never more proud to have found myself here after seeing how you all handled a particularly racist thread recently. You all managed it beautifully and by offering great insight. I feel certain that your efforts will go on to offer positive consequences like a stone tossed in water creating concentric circles.

     I appreciate you all.

@Leo Gura

     

Edited November 2, 2022 by EmergentUniverse

[EmergentUniverse]

I'm a male in his mid 30s.... only saying this to reassure to the extent possible that noone is responsible for any choices I make, nor what I take. I've done plenty of research, which is why I own what I do and nothing else. It's noones responsibility to tell me to take what or not take what. Let me be clear....I will try each in the end. Just curious about what others might call a decent starting point based on their own experience, and based on what I've shared.

[Breakingthewall]

Pity that you haven't 5 meo DMT, it's the most direct, clean. I ve tried a bit of 5 meo malt, and in my opinion it's much stronger, and not so direct to the ego death. Let's see how it works for you 

[Thought Art]

@EmergentUniverse Why not take a look and engage with your previous thread.