Losing interest in being a good person

[Fuku]

I don't want to progress anymore. I feel like I've spent all of my energy trying to ascend but I'm not built for this kind of society.

Is it a bad thing that I don't want to strive and follow all of those successful teachers I've been listening for years?

I've learned too much, I've seen what life can become, and I feel like a failure now, not being able to stand up and walk again.

I just want to be left here. But it also makes me sad seeing the train of life pass behind me as I fell from it and I don't feel like the energy radiating from people in it is for me anymore. It's not really about giving up. It's more like I know that I'm not one of the persons that will accomplish something. Sometimes I just want to numb myself with entertainement and tell myself it's gonna be ok and cosy, sometimes part of me is screaming and raging so hard that I'm not trying to get better at various things.

Maybe I've just been fighting as hard as I could to fit somewhere with a heavier weight that the average person do (heavy depression and anxiety, self diagnosed but probably obvious ADHD and/or autism...or maybe I'm just supposing those words will give me a reason to be a lazy, unorganized, bipolar person), and now it's time to give up. But I can't even rest and accept to be nobody, I'm stuck between 2 mentalities and it's the worst thing.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Don't know what else to do anymore.

[Javfly33]

How old are you? 

[Fuku]

5 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

How old are you? 

42.

(if my writing sounds childish or clumsy, it might be because english is not my first language)

Edited October 31, 2022 by Fuku

[Javfly33]

7 minutes ago, Fuku said:

42.

(if my writing sounds childish or clumsy, it might be because english is not my first language)

Oh ok, just asked to know from which perspective I should approach the problem you describe here.

So in my view you are in the classic "fuck everything, they suck" attitude, right? 

What's your diet/spiritual exercises/work balance looking like?

You say you haven't accomplished anything. What's really your vision? If you could have all the acceptance and Love that you could, what would you create/do as a passion? 

I would use this emotion/energy you are feeling to move in the direction you really want in life. If you are 42 it's a good timing. Most people when they get to 50-60 they just get very complacent and their lifes really become boring as fuck. You could take advantage of this "crisis" (to call it something)...

Edited October 31, 2022 by Javfly33

[Fuku]

29 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Oh ok, just asked to know from which perspective I should approach the problem you describe here.

So in my view you are in the classic "fuck everything, they suck" attitude, right? 

What's your diet/spiritual exercises/work balance looking like?

You say you haven't accomplished anything. What's really your vision? If you could have all the acceptance and Love that you could, what would you create/do as a passion? 

I would use this emotion/energy you are feeling to move in the direction you really want in life. If you are 42 it's a good timing. Most people when they get to 50-60 they just get very complacent and their lifes really become boring as fuck. You could take advantage of this "crisis" (to call it something)...

I was about to lie but what the hell, let's look at the actual reality. I probably stopped meditating regularly more than one year ago now. That was the only kind of spiritual exercise I was doing. Daily 20 mn meditation.

My diet is...ok I guess. Avoiding packaged stuff, bread, sugary drinks, alcool, not smoking...also a vegetarian if that matters. Formerly vegan but no more willpower left for this. Right now at least.

Sports : I've been doing muay thay a few years ago, but I stopped after ending in the hospital after a bad sparring incident. Thankfully nothing bad in the end, but I think I'm a bit scared now and finding reasons to avoid getting back at it. This was the only sport I actually liked (fighting sports in general), but getting older and having 2 cardiac problems doesn't help my medical anxiety,

I've had a few good streaks of training at home (light weight stuff/HIIT/running) but a few events in my life lead me to lose motivation and I haven't done anything serious for a bunch of months now.

My work's fine, always the same it's been for a dozen years now, night work that allows me to work or play on my laptop, read, or whatever I want for 6 hours out of 8.

Writing this makes me think that I've been neglecting basically everything that's recommanded to be healthy both physically and mentally lately. Maybe I should look any further if  I want to regain some mental strength.

Not sure it's gonna fix all of my problems but it can't kill me.

 

As for having a vision...I have none right now. I've  been doing music for the past years in the goal of doing it profesionnally, and I've been making progress, but even if I did, the fact that I naturally lost interest means I probably wasn't made for this anyway (not saying this in a pessimists/loser way, just that it doesn't go well for me doing this on the long run, having pressure making projects for other people)

But yeah, since I stopped, I can think of whatever I want, even if I had all the wealth and I support in the world, I sincerely wouldn't know what to do with my life.

Your last paragraph does make me think. I could try to turn the tables  by changind my point of view on this even and try to view it ad an exciting opportunity to reset. If only I knew which direction to go. I'm the only one that can think about it, so I better start doing it, but my brain is so fucking numb...

EDIT "fuck everything, they suck"

Not really...I mean, humanity has got me pretty depressed and I can't vibe with most people and feel like everyone is faking in a way, trying too hard to have fun (I know it sounds weird, not sure I can explain exactly).

But mostly, it's more like, I can't resonnate with basic human interactions anymore, I'm also faking in my own way.

I also feel like, despite the fact that I didn't experienced half of what the average human has in my life (for example, I started dating pretty late in my mid 30s), I've seen it all, I know how people and the work (not in details obviously, just...humans, in a kind of abstract way, I feel like I know them already and they're not interesting anymore to me)

Edited November 1, 2022 by Fuku

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6NAC6ajkH8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbQr70rfwQg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFbpXk_90CE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qocJp_jInHI

Try IFS therapy

Edited November 1, 2022 by Raze

[Tyler Robinson]

Sounds like a temporary bipolar depression mania episode. 

 

[Fuku]

17 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Sounds like a temporary bipolar depression mania episode. 

 

I do have some of the characterisics of bipolarity, but if this is an episode, this one is unusually long. I think it's been getting worse for months now.

@Raze Thanks, will watch as soon as I can.

[Yarco]

Just give into hedonism and the 7 deadly sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride) for a while. Lean into allowing yourself to be a loser and a nobody for as long as it takes to get it out of your system.

Allow yourself to takeout and junk food for a week straight. Watch TV, play video games, do nothing productive. Sleep and lay in bed for 15 hours a day.

Maybe you'll get so into it that you'll never get back out. But if you've ever been interested in personal development and self help stuff in the past, then my guess is there's some kind of innate drive inside of you. Eventually you'll get so bored of the numb, easy, cozy life that you'll naturally become motivated to start progressing and working on meaningful stuff again. You'll realize that doing something is better than nothing.

[Pudgey]

Or maybe it's a existential mid-life crisis and is triggering depression, bipolarity and obsessive negative-thoughts. 

Not having a sense of purpose, urgency, motivation and calling can heavily affect who you are, especially as we age. 

It can cause a lack of self-motivation and self-desire. And It appears that you may have the same negative-patterns and thought-loops for the last 10+ years. This can cause a lack of self-fulfillment and achievement. 

The only way to destroy these patterns may require you to change who you are as a person. But, because you don't know who you are, what you want to do, and how you want to do it, is causing immense depression and confusion - to the point where you feel like giving up? 

You've always been "late to the party," - done everything you should have done in your 20s, in your 30s and now it's happening in your 40s. Nothing particularly wrong with that, until you realize your pattern-behaviors have been the same for the last several years. Train of life passed you, but you refused to take the drivers seat? 

I think you are suffering from the lack of change and the self-effort to change. You have to realize how much bullshit your brain is and find a way out of these obsessive-negative-thought-loops and-self-criticizing-behaviors. If you could turn off your ego for 24-hours, you probably would feel your best, be your best and do as you wish with life. 

[Fuku]

21 minutes ago, Yarco said:

Just give into hedonism and the 7 deadly sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride) for a while. Lean into allowing yourself to be a loser and a nobody for as long as it takes to get it out of your system.

Allow yourself to takeout and junk food for a week straight. Watch TV, play video games, do nothing productive. Sleep and lay in bed for 15 hours a day.

Maybe you'll get so into it that you'll never get back out. But if you've ever been interested in personal development and self help stuff in the past, then my guess is there's some kind of innate drive inside of you. Eventually you'll get so bored of the numb, easy, cozy life that you'll naturally become motivated to start progressing and working on meaningful stuff again. You'll realize that doing something is better than nothing.

Good advice, I think. I've been naturaly doing this for whatever reason.

Actually, now that I think about it, fo the past 3 years while doing music full time, I have been craving for entertainement I didn't allow myself to have just because I was too old compared to the competition and needed to catch up. So...it might be the backlash. It's either this, or simply whatever part of me telling me to let go because this lifestyle didn't suit me despite my love for the art,

Anyway...I have kind of let go for a few months now...but I'm at a point where the "maybe you'll get so into it that you'll never get back out" part is getting more and more real.

But you're also right about the fact that if I was into self-development/spirituality for some time now, it's probably hard to kill.

I gotta try and strike a balance between letting to see what resurface, but at the same time not letting go while being depressed.

[Osaid]

Look, you don't have to really strive for anything if you don't want to. This is a self-imposed challenge to begin with, so take back your authority by realizing this. Instead of having life throw challenges at you, you make the challenges for yourself to pursue. It's up to you. Losing interest doesn't mean you're not a good person anymore. Not feeling motivated doesn't mean you're not a good person anymore. These are just stories you're projecting on top of your experience. Lack of motivation, failure, existential crises, confusion, these are all natural and basically inherent to the process of life. All of these emotions are meant to further hone your targets in life and make you realize what you want from life at a deeper level. These emotions and resistances are what will guide you towards what you want, you just have to sit and analyze and feel into them. You're not a "bad person" for feeling these things.

Sure, you can "give up" for a bit if you want. Go see how that makes you feel. Observe it. Do some reconnaissance. You don't really have to be financially free or have your desires met to feel fully fulfilled right now. You can easily go immerse yourself in a video game or go to some social event or listen to some music and you will feel happy. These are always available. The path of least resistance is always available. The main idea is finding a deeper meaning, a deeper value or principle that inspires you so much that you challenge yourself to create.

These videos are really good for grounding you in what you're currently experiencing:

 

Edited November 1, 2022 by Osaid

[Tyler Robinson]

@Fuku  I don't have great advice to offer. 

Usually my psychic energy (I was born with psychic wisdom), picks up an aura around a person, it shows me whether they're going wrong on their path and what solutions might actually make their life better. I guide people on the basis of the information downloaded by my psychic energy. 

In your case my psychic energy is not picking any clues. 

It's only telling me bits and pieces. 

You're going through a phase, a phase that I went through which is called "dissociation" in psychology and it lasted 1 full month for me. It depends. 

You're going through some exhaustion. My psychic energy is telling me that you need things to be sorted out and everything is either feeling useless or overwhelming. 

You're also feeling anxious or depressed about something. You are expecting things to really work out your way but it seems like you are suddenly losing interest. Beware that such periods can trigger substance abuse. 

For all I know this could be a mid life crisis. 

What I'm getting is "laziness energy" in you. 

One tip is to consume at least half a cup of coffee everyday to feel stimulated. At least for a week. 

Another tip is to journal regularly and see what thoughts arise and do shadow work, ask yourself questions and this will give you more clarity on what your exact mental process is. 

The other thing my psychic energy is telling me is that you should pick up some art related hobby like painting and that will get your creativity boosted up and you'll begin to get interested in living life once again. 

That's all my psychic energy told me. Godspeed. 

 

 

[Arcangelo]

Hi @Fuku  I am 43

[Consept]

@Fuku

Heres the issue as I see it, youre doing all these self improvement habits, or at least putting pressure on yourself to do them because you think there will be a desired outcome. In your case you believe you will 'ascend'. If you break this down, it basically means you dont believe you are good enough now and you need to do a, b and c so that you then become 'good enough'. It doesnt seem to matter whether you like doing the thing or not, youre just going to power through because it is a sacrifice youre willing to make to get where you want to be. 

This is an exhausting way to live life, its no wonder that youve had enough, if everyday youre thinking youre not good enough and either forcing yourself to do things or making yourself feel bad about not doing things. A better way to handle it is dont worry about what the outcome is going to be, take away the fantasy of ascending, imagine that never happens, wouldnt you want to just do stuff that you enjoy and that challenges you? This is what you should focus on. 

I like going to the gym for example but not a lot of people like it and they would have to force themselves to do it. I really dislike the exercise bike for example, if i had to do that every time I go to the gym it would be like torture for me, I'd be able to do it if is was feeling really motivated but otherwise it would be so hard. I youre only doing things you have to be really motivated for, its just not going to be sustainable. Pick things that actually get you motivated once you start doing them, or you just enjoy so much you dont need to be motivated to do. 

But overall i think youre just too outcome dependent and this is over shadowing everything. Someone suggested IFS which is a great therapy, you have to learn to accept and love yourself where you are now, not some mythical ascended version of you that will come into being if you do all your self-improvement habits.