Why did I feel so weak?

[Tyler Robinson]

Weirdly enough, I don't feel that lonely and I don't care about approval anymore. 

I don't feel that weak or ignored or hated. It feels weirdly calm if nobody likes me here. I just accept it now versus constantly feeling like I needed people to like me, accept me. It used to drive me nuts if I wasn't included in something. I used to feel like an outcast and that used to drive me mad with anger thinking how I could be treated like I don't exist. Like everyone cares about each other but not me? I don't know what kind of personal transformation I went through but I no longer care about it anymore. Emotional independence? 

I seriously don't know what caused this tremendous transformation in me that I no longer care if someone cares about me. 

Going through this experience has also taught me that everything is perception and feeling. If you change your perception towards something, everything you thought about it automatically changes. 

And how you feel in the moment is not a dictation of how you will feel forever. You can feel completely different in another time slot of your life. It's that fickle. 

I'm trying to dig into my past and find clues to why I felt so weak back then, why did I crave company and approval so badly. Like if someone didn't pay me attention in a group, it used to make me intensely uncomfortable and ignored. It used to make me angry. 

And now it doesn't matter at all. 

[integral]

Fantastic im happy for you . Im not sure why but ive seen this exact thing happen before. If you where in a loving relationship when this happened it likely would of destroyed it. Now that your in this new independent stage it comes with its own strengths and weaknesses like all the stages before it. What ive seen from this stage is it doesn't want to receive anymore and doesn't want to give. Its happy alone and doing its own thing with out the noise of the world getting in the way. Its a important stage we all get to, to transition away from communion and into agency. Then later on we transition back to communion (more consciously) and back to agency (even more consciously) until we find a balance.

ANIMUS development stage 4 and a part of the ego is in the spiral stage orange transition. Relationship development applies to all connections we have with people in general.

A deficiency need has been healed. 

I know this stage very well because I lived the independent wolf stage in my 20s. Its the orange way of relating to people. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by integral