I'm Beautiful

[Tyler Robinson]

Yea gotta tell myself that.... 

[Tyler Robinson]

Today I felt ugly inside. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Today was a sad day. All past memories came up. 

It was hard. Still trying to heal.. Survive. Get by 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

One good news is that I don't care about this forum anymore. Especially the journal section. 

Weirdly enough, I don't feel that lonely and I don't care about approval anymore. 

I don't feel that weak or ignored or hated. It feels weirdly calm if nobody likes me here. I just accept it now versus constantly feeling like I needed people to like me, accept me. It used to drive me nuts if I wasn't included in something. I used to feel like an outcast and that used to drive me mad with anger thinking how I could be treated like I don't exist. Like everyone cares about each other but not me? I don't know what kind of personal transformation I went through but I no longer care about it anymore. Emotional independence? 

I seriously don't know what caused this tremendous transformation in me that I no longer care if someone cares about me. 

Going through this experience has also taught me that everything is perception and feeling. If you change your perception towards something, everything you thought about it automatically changes. 

And how you feel in the moment is not a dictation of how you will feel forever. You can feel completely different in another time slot of your life. It's that fickle. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I need to drink something that will give me energy right now..

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist Emory. 

 

 

 

I have to clean up stuff. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I have to watch this documentary. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Gouchee

 

Winnie 

I'm thinking of a modern day version of Puerevirden. I'll call him Kiyle.. He has king energy. 

I see myself splitting into two personalities 

 

One personality is called Gouchee and the other is called Winnie. 

Gouchee is where I'm more child like 

 

Winnie is where I'm more responsible. More involved. More independent. More savvy. More proactive and more inclined. 

The other is Jayke 

 

Jayke has the muted masculine energy different from Kiyle 

For the rest of my life I'll be switching between Gouchee and Winnie. 

And my imaginary lover will switch between Kiyle and Jayke. 

 

................ 

Special larkas 

... 

• Larka 1 - mercy and provider, charity, generosity, abundance, god
• Larka 2 - Protector, guard, protection 
• Larka 3 - love, caring, service, maternal, feminine, giving, dog 
• Larka 4 - healing, wisdom, space, strength, encouragement, support 
• Larka 5 - Masculine, leader, guide, coach, order, Intellectual
• Larka 6 - Understanding 
• Larka 7 - surrender. Giving you power and dominion when you need it making you in charge. 

 

 

1. Mercy
2. Protection
3. Love and acceptance (how you are) 
4. Healing 
5. Leadership 
6. Understanding 
7. Surrender 

 

Edited November 3, 2022 by Tyler Robinson