Moving out soon.. I am terrified...

[Illusory Self]

For the past 2 weeks I have been experimenting being by myself, working on myself and what I WANT in life. I have spent far to long under the influence of family and doing things to make them happy. 

I am viewing this property for the second time today do to measurements for it as I am moving out from living with my grandmother (26 btw).  I have lived with my grandmother for the past 5 years or so, being really unhappy most of the time. My whole life my family has basically done everything for me, to the point where I have little confidence to do things by myself. My Dad has his own business so he will probably help me out financially with the new place but I want to slowly drift away from talking to my parents all the time. I find it is very toxic for me. Even though they are great people and love me, when I talk to them it is more of a sense of obligation more than anything. 

I have bad finances and no job, well working for my Dad somewhat but I am just so scared of living on my own, I don't know if I will be able to cope. 

My parents have always done everything for me.. to such an excessive amount which has impacted my ability to do anything myself. So maybe this is giving me anxiety and panic attacks soon.

I need to drift away from my parents/family, it is to damn suffocating. 

Well, anyway of course I am terrified of moving out to live on my own. My Mum is coming to to view the property with me and all of a sudden I am starting to feel very tense within my stomach and feeling of huge anxiety is arising. It brings me back to school where I had to drop out of school due to severe panic attacks. Couldn't walk etc.. 

Moving into this place means I will probably even go into debt financially but I do think I will grow from it, should be moving into the place this week 

I don't understand why it is arising now when I am about to view this property with my Mum... maybe I am scared of the whole thing of being independant. 

Distancing myself from my parents feels so hard because I don't want to upset them.. but I do think this is a good first step to take 

I think it has gotten to the point where I have really had enough of my own unhappiness and always pleasing my parents that I know I need to change/grow

I still feel like a boy inside a mans body

Edited October 31, 2022 by Illusory Self

[something_else]

Moving into my own place a year and a half ago has been the single biggest decision that drove personal growth for me in my life thus far.

I was also quite reliant on family and close to them. It helped a lot.

However, I was financially stable. I don't know how good of an idea it is to go into debt just to move out. I would maybe focus on building up some finances and getting a job first...

[Yarco]

The only way to stop being a boy inside a man's body is to do things that are scary, uncomfortable, and make you grow as a person. Our society doesn't have any coming-of-age ceremonies any more, like dads taking their kids out for their first hunt. So you have to do it for yourself or you'll stay a child forever.

It's understandable that it's scary. You're going from complete safety and security, to putting all of the burden on your own shoulders.

This is the same feeling your ancestors had when they set out on boats looking for new land, not sure of what they would find, or if they'd make it there alive. They're watching over you now and smiling down on you, watching you finally become a man.

If it seems overwhelming, break it down into smaller steps. Just worry about going to see the apartment. Then filling out a rental application. Then paying your first month's rent. Then picking up your keys and moving in. Then buying the basics like a few pots and pans and a mattress to sleep on.
Once you're moved in, just take it day by day. Have daily and weekly to-do lists like making dinner, buying groceries, doing your laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc.

[Illusory Self]

40 minutes ago, something_else said:

Moving into my own place a year and a half ago has been the single biggest decision that drove personal growth for me in my life thus far.

I was also quite reliant on family and close to them. It helped a lot.

However, I was financially stable. I don't know how good of an idea it is to go into debt just to move out. I would maybe focus on building up some finances and getting a job first...

@something_elseI can do work for my Dad's business but obviously I would rather be independant from my family as I want to rely on them as little as possible.

I guess I can do that as a starting point. 

@Yarco Well I should be moving in either Weds or Thurs... I did get a really bad anxiety attack today when I viewed the place, I could barely walk. This is very much out of the realm of my comfort zone. I also feel like I am being a nuisance towards my Dad as he is helping me financially with this place to begin with as I cannot afford it. I am going to do work for him to begin with but I don't want to long term. 

The amount of uncertainity is terrifying.. been living under my family's finances for so long. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by Illusory Self

[Yarco]

8 minutes ago, Illusory Self said:

I did get a really bad anxiety attack today when I viewed the place, I could barely walk. This is very much out of the realm of my comfort zone.

Yeah, it's normal. I had a big panic attack the night I moved from Canada to England and it finally hit me that it was real and I was actually there, and that was my life now, no going back. Just let yourself freak out for a little bit and get it out of your system, and then try to keep moving forward.

[Leo Gura]

@Illusory Self Good for you. Stay strong. You are long overdue for independence.

If you have doubts in the future, consult with people here.

Don't be a quitter.

Edited October 31, 2022 by Leo Gura

[something_else]

43 minutes ago, Illusory Self said:

I can do work for my Dad's business but obviously I would rather be independant from my family as I want to rely on them as little as possible.

I guess I can do that as a starting point. 

As long as you have some income, you will be fine. Don't feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty about accepting help from family. But yes, obviously work towards your independence too.

I see you post a lot of stuff in the dating section too. Moving into my own place has helped me with dating and girls an insane amount. It is such a big step. I'm almost a different person than the little boy I felt like when I moved out of my parents house. It's been such a big step in my development. It was scary but god was it worth it.

[Illusory Self]

@Leo Gura Thanks man, appreciate all the work you do 

 

@Yarco I think the most challenging part will be distancing myself from my parents. I am lucky my Dad has his own business so can work for him for the time being but I really want to live my own life. Been under the influence of my parents for far to long now. I got lazy and complacent, wanting everyone to do things for me. But again living with my 93 year old grandmother who has dementia has definitely been the most challenging thing I have ever had to endure in my whole life. Really put me in a bad place mentally, so that is why I chose to move out. Just got to the point where I could not take it anymore. Was with her for 5 years. I do run into the issue of beating myself up for my past complacency sometimes and for wasting my life but again I am only 26 so I have time to fix it right. 

 

@something_else The problem was I was focusing on women and sex because I had internal struggles I had to deal with, it was a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I think right now I want to work on myself and turn myself into a high value man. 

I have spent years of my life chasing sex and it has gotten me nowhere, as a result I neglected my own personal development. I guess there are healthy and unhealthy ways you can go about pursuing the opposite sex. I was doing it as a distraction from my problems. 

I will want to develop game in the future but I think right now it is more important to sort my self out and love myself more before delving into it. 

[Ethan1]

Let go & surrender. You can handle it.

You're good, you can do it with the right mindset and attitude. 
Believe in yourself. Sit down with a blank piece of paper and clear your mind.

Get clear on your direction. Be realistic with what you can accomplish. Baby steps. Focus on one step at at time.
Focus on what is right in front of you. Face your fears with confidence. You can overcome this. Learn from your mistakes.
Focus on the possibilities and be realistic.

Create some space from your dad and the judgement.
Focus on your self-talk. Speak compassionate words to yourself. 
You are responsible. You can take your own steps.
One step at a time. Next thing you know you will be running. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by Ethan1

[Asayake]

It's ok to be scared, it's a big change. But this is the only way you can start your next phase of life and grow into a more independent and developed person. Don't let the feeling of being scared control your behaviour too much, walk into the fire. 

I can relate in some way. I moved from home when I was 22 and I was very spoiled by my mom so I struggled a lot in the beginning. Not only did I enjoy the freedom too much and clean too little at first, but quite quickly I went from having done no drugs to becoming the stereotypical 24/7 stoner who's apartment is a complete mess with snacks and dirty clothes decorating the floor. 

I also had to learn a lot of things that I didn't do much while I lived with my parents like cooking and chores around the house was exhausting in the beginning and I was quite sloppy with my nutrition and sleep schedule and caused myself unnecessary suffering by decaying my health. But on the other side of pain is growth, I'm 26 now and now I find chores mostly relaxing and I enjoy the feeling of self respect that arises knowing I'm taking care of myself.

It is likely going to be a bit turbulent and stressful at first. But you'll shed your skin and grow into a stronger more beautiful person with more depth. I didn't know how to put up curtains or how to put up a shelf on the wall or how to use a drill machine or a stud finder and I had never even put up a lightbulb. Thank God for Google or learning the handyman stuff would have been like inventing fire for the first time.

My advice to you would be to put up a painting or a few posters or a plant or something decorative early on when you move in. It will give your place something that you become familiar with and will it make your place feel like home quicker. When your place finally feels like home it makes it easier to relax and feel safe, and then you can start connecting with yourself more easily on a deep level when you're alone. I always put up a painting on the wall as one of the first things I do when I move to a new place(I'm living at my 5th place right now).

You can do it!