My Ego Is Blind

[Vytas]

Hmm where should I start.

Well my main question will be how to wake up? But first things first.

Intro

I am 20 years old student, discovered actualized.org and spirituality about a year ago.

I was VERY interested in this topic since the beginning of my discovery. I started to meditate, do some sort of self inquiry and self help habits. During this year all these things were not consistent, meaning I am still doing meditation and other things not daily, generally a few times per week, as it is very hard for me to commit to this fully. Anyways.

Dreaming

One of the most fascinating topics for me were dreams and OBE (red all three Robert Monroe books). I tried to lucid dream and recall my dreams. The following explanation might not meet the reality as it is hard to put in words. So in my dreams, as well as lucid ones, when I realize I am dreaming the reality at the time is very dim, sort of like 360p quality or 0.5 frames per second, its sort of like I am very low aware. When I notice this, I try to be very mindful and aware, but its just to dreamy and hard to make it real. Now the main issue!

DMT

Today I tried DMT, and man, this was sort of stupid. Because I supposed to do it with my friend, but it happened so that we were 5 in the room, I was not in the mood and etc. This was first psychedelic in my life btw. Anyways, I took the pipe and was waiting for dmt to be vaporized, my heart was beating really fast, I was nervous (I really wanted to stay relaxed but it was hard). I took the hit, somehow I took the second and partly third, and the journey started. I closed my eyes and shit started to happen. For the record I can tell you it was light dose, as I didn’t approached infinity and all there were these "infinite" fractals and patterns. IT FELT LIKE MIRACLES WERE HAPPENING IN FRONT OF ME BUT I COUDNT CATCH THEM. the same as in my dream. I was very little aware, it is hard to describe. I am awake, I see the patterns but at the same time, everything is sort of reduced in reality, its like I am dreaming. It was very weird, its like I was watching this magnificent movie, but half of the film was jumping and I couldn’t notice it properly. Okay I have the metaphor- when you try to draw an apple, you clearly see it in your head, but at the same time not at all, because when you try to go into details, its impossible, and so drawing is unrealistic whereas in reality if you would look into the apple you could see the details of it. And so this hole trip felt real and beautiful at the same time I wasn’t able to watch i fully. Sort of like the' glasses were muddy'. Its so sad. I know that I am not ready, I need to solve this dream like perception issue

Okay to conclude. Trip was nice, it was very interesting and all. But two things. It was light so I wasn’t able to really go deep into myself, second it so sad its like flower is in front of me and I cant see it properly, maybe I am ADHD or something  lol. Because its like I cant watch it calmly and see it clearly. Man I cant see it!. I see the potential of what can be seen, but how. I get the idea of the infinity being in front of me and the only thing that is holding me is my perception. 

Back to the question finally - what was wrong? why I am unable to feel it as real? Maybe it is my low awareness, if so how can I raise it? Cause it really feels like life is just so magnificent and I am blind.

[Guivs]

@Vytas Hey No easy trick that can fix everything, but just being aware troughout the day is the answer.

It will have a positive impact on the clarity of your dreams. Just be open to your environment during the day and recognize your thoughts as soon as they arise. Just try to be dilligent.

You might want to set one day where your only goal will be to be aware all day, a day when you do not have anything to do (a mini retreat). Then you will see in your sleep the dramatic difference.

But for the DMT part, I am not knowledgeable, unfortunately.

[Azrael]

13 hours ago, Vytas said:

Back to the question finally - what was wrong?

Pro Tip: Don't do DMT with 5 ppl in the room. Do it alone or with one sitter max. Vaporize it (that's a art of itself) and then take 3 big hits and keep 'em at least 7-10 second inside. Put enough in your pipe because especially in the beginning you'll waste a lot by not knowing how to vaporize it rightly. So, if you take 70mg instead of 50mg let's say, you'll get to the other side. And you can't overshoot with DMT. So you're all safe.