Is a dirty past a deal breaker?

[ivankiss]

So let's say you're dating someone for a few weeks or so... Things are going pretty good, you're getting along and all that... And then you guys start opening op to each-other a bit more and you end up hearing stuff that you really wished you did not hear. Some dark shit from their past. Like, truly dark. Sucking dick for coke, or something along those lines.

Would that be a deal breaker for you? Or would you play it cool and be able to look past it? Would it change how you see the person and the relationship?

Could you continue?

[Osaid]

My main concern would really just be this: how much of the mindset from that past experience has carried into the present moment? Like, who the person is right now compared to the person before. They very well could have completely burned through that phase of their life, in that case, doesn't matter much anymore. So I would pry into that. Like, oh why did you do that? Do you still feel similar now? What did you learn? How did you grow from that? etc. And then from that I would gauge if I should associate with that.

Me personally, I'm a very open-minded and empathetic person. And I don't like the idea of someone being permanently punished for something they did previously, which they might even currently look back on and agree that it is completely stupid. I wanna be able to have a more nuanced perspective and see past something like that. Like, if someone said some stupid racist remark when they were 10 years old, I probably wont hold it to them today.

[Raze]

The biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[Tyler Robinson]

Yea. It's a deal breaker. Mostly it's an indication of loose morals. A guy who cheated on his ex etc. These are red flags to never ignore. 

And if I were a guy, I wouldn't want a woman who did questionable things as mentioned. 

I would dump immediately in both situations. Nobody got time to deal with trash.

Dating is a cruel game. It's a place where your survival is important. You can't take chances with someone who will screw you squarely in your face. The most common problem in dating is not lack of compassion, that's abundant and most people are way more forgiving when they like the person they are dating. The most common problem is rather the opposite of lack of compassion — lack of wisdom, lack of strictness causing people to ignore blatant red flags. Most abusive and toxic relationships have a common starting point - the ignoring and forgiving of red flags. Once you are unable to enforce strict moral standards and boundaries, your relationship becomes a gateway for abuse and toxicity. It's often too late to get out of the dirty pond you find yourself in,because you get attached.. 

Your moral boundaries need to be clear. Also you need to follow through yourself if you expect others to stand up to those standards. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Thought Art]

Some parts of your past can just be let go

[NoSelfSelf]

If shes doing what shes suppose to be doing, then its not a problem, she is a reflection of the man shes with so you just need to see if she can follow your program...

Edited October 29, 2022 by NoSelfSelf

[LordFall]

I like girls like that, as long as they've healed from it and are able now to act in their own best interest. Life isn't always simple and I admire those who manage to get through. Not everyone has a rosy peachy life and I see the women that get through that without losing their sanity as warrior princesses. 

[mr_engineer]

The first thing I'd look into is whether their solution is surface-level or root-level. Cuz my biggest personal concern would be their potential relapse. 

There are really amazing people with dark pasts who solved their problems at the root-level and bettered their lives. So, I definitely wouldn't consider it a deal-breaker as it is. 

[Roy]

It would certainly shake me up a bit, but it's an opportunity to reflect on your own past and any judgements you may be casting. Also you should have an intuition if that's who they are anymore, if that was just a different time and they are not the same person at the present moment.

People do change, if you give them the chance.

Edited October 29, 2022 by Roy

[soos_mite_ah]

Depends on what it is, what they learned from the experience, how they can ensure this won't happen again, if they can reflect on their past motivations and learned from them, and how they healed from the situation. I would be looking for accountibility and growth to ensure the past is just in the past. 

Now if it's something super serious, like for example they physically or sexually assaulted someone, I'm out. 

Edited October 29, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[ivankiss]

If it's truly in the past and they've grown and learned from the experience, then I might be able to look past it. If they're not showing any signs of possibly repeating the same "mistakes". But even then, I cannot deny that it would always kinda bug me in the background. I'd have a very difficult time digesting and truly accepting it. It would be painful, for whatever reason. So I guess I'm leaning more towards it being a deal breaker.

[actuallyenlightened]

Probably a very bad idea. The vast majority of people are incapable of changing much beyond the surface level once they reach their 20s (ok if they do something stupid as teenager). Even if they kick the coke habit through willpower they still have basically the same ego with same tendencies. This basically boils down to a combination of upbringing and certain predispositions unfortunately. An exception would be people who embarked on a hardcore spiritual journey for a couple of years; which isn't even a guaranteed way of totally overcoming these things

[tessus]

19 hours ago, Raze said:

The biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Don't forget about black swans... 

[Loba]

It depends on what they have done, and if they have moved on from that behaviour.  I don't have the cleanest past for sure, and so I don't discount people who aren't perfect or who have flaws they are working on.  The key is to be working on them.  It shows a lot of trust and bravery to tell you about her past, you know?  Do you know if she is over it or still working through it?

Sometimes people who aren't perfect, who aren't squeaky clean can make a decent partner if you give them a chance.  People who know the lowest depths can reach great heights.  Jesus took on a woman that no one wanted and exalted her through his teachings and Love.  She became an emblem of divinity in her own right.  This is, oddly enough, how God works.

When you work with God, you will find that it is the things that are most "dirty", "corrupt", "impure", or just "small" that are the things you can fill with a genuine essence of truth.  Something that's already outwardly worthy in terms of what society thinks doesn't even have to move towards anything to make much out of it.  There's no pressure to change, to grow, to allow a better way to move through you if the outside world is signaling that you're good enough.  But what about those who are not viewed this way?  These are the ones that karmically, are supposed to, in an ideal world, be brought back "up" into good graces.

What is this person's history?  How did they end up doing such things?  Why?  What is the whole story?  If you're judging them, you don't have the full picture.  What if, at the end of your line, you are brought back up to experience how things could have played out in your life, and that this person could have been someone important to you if you just allowed it to happen that way?

It's your call.  It all comes down to - did she change?  Is she willing to change?  The name of the game is redemption.  That is the purpose of this Work, to redeem yourself and others.