Is it too late?

[Emrie]

Like I'll be turning 27 in a few months and it just feels like I'm a good 10 years behind.

I was watching this video and it was a girl talking about topics to bring up on your dates to scan for potential red flags. And like the first thing she says is "Tell me about your best friend!" ... and I don't have any friends!!!! She was saying like "if they can't keep any real good friendships and talk highly of their friends, that's a red flag".

So then I started thinking like .. okay well if I want to date I gotta make friends first, I guess. But then who would want to be friends with me if I don't already have friends, they'll think I'm a shit person... which yeah I don't really have any social skills so...

And then I started thinking like, if I look at my whole life, there's just a general lack of experience EVERYWHERE. I don't really know what my Life Purpose is, I can probably intuit that it's something to do with music but I just don't know, I certainly don't have any real big skills that can dramatically help people.

I've only started exercising like 9 months ago and I'm still not perfect with my diet. I still have a lot of trauma I endured when I was growing up that I just haven't healed from. And I have absolutely ZERO spiritual development.

And like from all this, I'm genuinely afraid that I'm never going to really be able to build a strong life because like who would want to associate with someone like me who's never had friends at 27, who tries to be cool by playing guitar when they work in IT and they're a giant nerd (you'd honestly be shocked by the number of people who discriminate against us just for working in IT), who's lack of social skills is so apparent you don't want to have a conversation with them...

And before you come at me with your "I know guys in their 50's pulling girls in their 20's", take several seats, okay, I have several arguments:
1) There are different cultures around the world alright, I may shock you with this but that's a bit cringe to a lot of people around the planet, and especially where I live.
2) I don't really care about "pulling girls in their 20's" (I actually quite dislike that verb, feels very objectifying to me), I care more about emotional intimacy and cultivating loving interdependent relationships... and like those require really mature people. And honestly I think many of those mature people won't want to build said relationships with me because I'm so far behind.

-- Of course yes I realize 27 is actually quite young and if I just give myself 10 years and work hard on this stuff, I'll be radically transformed and probably be more developed as a human than the average first-world human, though tbh I don't care about the average human, I care about the best humans.

And of course I realize that these negative thoughts aren't helping in any way and are in fact counter-productive, they do nothing but shoot myself in the foot. But I think it's also a legitimate concern and something I absolutely ought to be aware of because I might have to deal with it in some way. Like how do you deal with someone asking you about past relationships when you've had none!

So yeah anyways... I just wanted to express my feelings I don't really care about fixing the damn problem, just talking about it already helps. But anyways you may try and fix my problem or whatever.

[tessus]

Hey Emrie,

Sometimes an empty page is easier to work with than long chapters written in the wrong direction

32 minutes ago, Emrie said:

I've only started exercising like 9 months ago and I'm still not perfect with my diet. I still have a lot of trauma I endured when I was growing up that I just haven't healed from. And I have absolutely ZERO spiritual development.

Zero is a label... Zero is a lie... Labels sometimes stand in the way of reflection...

Edit: Do you agree? 

Edited October 26, 2022 by tessus

[hoodrow trillson]

It's wild to me,

how the internet has made people go into 'comparison mode' with other people--at a crazy rate.  Comparing yourself to others by watching youtube videos (designed for clicks, views and $$$), social media like Instagram, Twitter, etc and one of the worst offenders, Facebook... is designed to make you jump even deeper with the thought 'what's wrong with me.. i need to fix this and blah blah blah'.  Perfect, hook line and sinker.

Older generations had something similar like TV, movies, magazines, etc - but nothing at this level.

The comparisons are on a surface level too.  What "red flags" do those girls have themselves, who put up these personal 'red flags' that they're looking for?  This is all designed to make you dive into that channel, watch more videos, buy more products, get you self conscious, buy services, look at more ads, etc.  

Just be yourself.  As in unapologetically yourself, "flaws" and all.  If you think you deserve a best friend then go look for one.  Looking for a best friend, because you think this is a necessary step to find a woman to avoid their 'red flags' that you saw in a youtube video is absolute insanity.  You'd be living your life by the content you take in.

You can find a woman who's into nerdy IT guitar playing guys like you.  Some may be hot and some not so much but everyone's preferences are so different and weird that is it foolish to say 'this is what works, this is what doesn't'.  Those guys who are on PUA forums and shit actually don't get pussy like you think they do.  Nor do they find a good ride or die woman.  They're all shells of who they used to be, thinking they're happy but in reality they're not the genuine self.  What you must do though, is PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE.  INCREASE YOUR ODDS BY TALKING TO A LOT OF WOMEN.  Don't do it to get pussy because then you'll be fixated on outcome.  Get rejected, become successful.

Props on you for drawing a line in the sand and standing for what your preferences are and that you don't want to be a 50 year old guy slaying 20 year olds.  Don't be judgmental of them though, that's what floats their boat.  

If you're anxious about this at 27, I would hate to be you at 35.  It is an extremely toxic thinking pattern to dive into and I highly suggest you nip it in the bud right now if you don't want to turn into some creepy crazy guy into his 30s always looking for a wife.

[Thought Art]

Not too late at all

[Osaid]

Never too late. What's the alternative? Not working on yourself?

2 hours ago, Emrie said:

"if they can't keep any real good friendships and talk highly of their friends, that's a red flag".

This is not really a red flag, it's only a red flag if you assume a bunch of things about the person:

1. Their previous friendships involved friends that weren't toxic

2. They had many previous friendships, if any at all

3. Their reason for not having friends is because they eventually broke up due to their own fault, and not anyone else's fault

Honestly I don't have anyone I would consider a "best" friend. My mind doesn't even operate that way. My friends are unique, I can't really categorize one as "best". It's like asking which is better, pizza or cake, both are unique and have different flavors. So I would immediately fail that test lmao.

You gotta realize that this type of stuff works both ways. I personally wouldn't wanna be with someone who assumes so many things about me off the cuff. If you genuinely think there's nothing wrong with this aspect of you, then it's actually a good thing that they cut themselves off, because they are unaligned with a deep aspect of you. Have some standards for yourself as well. You become sloppy with standards when you're too dependent on validation from others. Similar to how your standards for food decrease when you haven't eaten in a week. Stop starving yourself of love.

2 hours ago, Emrie said:

who's never had friends at 27, who tries to be cool by playing guitar when they work in IT and they're a giant nerd (you'd honestly be shocked by the number of people who discriminate against us just for working in IT), who's lack of social skills is so apparent you don't want to have a conversation with them

These are all just excuses you've created in order to gaslight yourself into thinking you're worth less.

2 hours ago, Emrie said:

who would want to associate with someone like me

Someone that loves you. Start with being able to love yourself first, though.

[Tyler Robinson]

Don't compare yourself to others. Sometimes it helps you to chart your progress. But it shouldn't be used to impact your self esteem. That is counter productive.. 

Be like Andrew Tate in this regard. 

 

[Leo Gura]

Dude, you don't need any friends to date and sleep with girls.

Stop listening to dating advice from women.

[Hafiz]

Are your friends going to help you go out and talk to girls? No, they know it’s your responsibility to handle yourself and your business.

[tessus]

38 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Dude, you don't need any friends to date and sleep with girls.

Stop listening to dating advice from women.

Paint the man a picture instead of giving him words... I know you can paint

[StarStruck]

The only thing you need is a dick and a set of balls. All else is smoke and mirrors.

[ThePoint]

8 hours ago, Osaid said:

Never too late. What's the alternative? Not working on yourself?

@Osaid So simple, yet so profound.

[ThePoint]

2 hours ago, lxlichael said:

If you’re stuck in an imaginary house of mirrors you will create the wrong house of cards for life to climb; dispel the illusions.

@lxlichael What does this mean? Can you elaborate?

[something_else]

It does help to have friends, but it isn't a requirement.

If you start going out at weekends a lot you will kill two birds with one stone. You'll make friends and you'll start talking to girls.

Usually most big cities will have at least one (if not multiple) "going out" or "party" groups on meetup.com which are a great starting point.