Miscellaneous journal entry

[at_anchor]

Right back down even more

Life played out terribly. Education is impossible,  regular sleep and healthy lifestyle are a luxury. The western world I don't feel I can go there, but I don't feel like staying here either. There is no country or place on earth to move to make a living, heal, find love. Life's just suffering, fap and food addiction for me. This suffering will lead nowhere good, because it's not the one that grows you. Sorry for showering you with more negativity, but I like a bit of connection when I have to wait for my death for years to come, feeling robbed of hope or desperate. 

(I saw a video of hungry gees and it was, well, lol. I think I'm like those gees but instead of peas, I go hungry for posts.)

Edited October 26, 2022 by at_anchor

[at_anchor]

Stage of development and culture misfit

I feel too underdeveloped to move to the west, but also to stay here. 

Although I could maybe learn Italian, I don't want it. I want my third language to be Latin because it improves my intuitive understanding of English and native tongue using left brain processes, not right brain. Latin makes you better educated and sharper, not Italian. Sweden is a no and so is Germany, because of the languages which feel so, I don't know, but lately kind of ugly and hard. Spanish is the easiest of all languages, but I prefer Italy over Spain. So I'm left kind of hopeless. New Zealand is the best one, but it's gonna be impossible.

All in all I am very underdeveloped and don't think that west is where I should be. On the other hand, I really want security and health so I know no better place than the west for that.

I'm also underdeveloped for my own country so this might not be a developmental problem, rather I don't feel strong enough to move anywhere anymore.  I feel I should just die after what people have done to my name, privcy, dignity, body, crucial time when I should have been getting an education or building a business. It's like I want to stop, go back in time, make sure none of this happens and keep my health, body, time, privacy, dignity, and name in tact. Now I just feel like going to the far east and dying there is the only right move to take. I am sick of these people and this life. I wish I never got in contact with them. Life would be amazing if I didn't. Now it's terrible because I did.

You're gonna say I'm lucky and had everything I need to develop so it's actually just my genes that are the problem. I don't think that's the case. 

You're gonna say that I have life in front of me, but no. The world is a dangerous place full of people who don't want you in it. And once you fall so low in life you might just as well die.

But this is also a language/cultural issue here to a significant degree. I don't want to change. I don't feel sophisticated and enough to move to the west. I don't want to move there for health and security. I don't want to live anymore. I don't know where and how to work. 

Edited October 26, 2022 by at_anchor

[Tyler Robinson]

Hydrogenated oil is bad for your health you know. 

[at_anchor]

@Tyler Robinson <3